In Need of Some Advice ...

[DaisyJayne0407]

I'm new here, and I'm not entirely sure if this where I need to be posting this kind of question. If I'm erroneously taking up space on your board, I apologize in advance!

I'm married, and my husband has been suggesting a little that he'd like me to take charge, order him around a little, and call him some ''bad names''. I don't think he's interested in any sort of permanent arrangement or changing the dynamics of our relationship. However, my last relationship was very abusive -- physically, verbally, all the way around -- and its a little hard for me to reconcile this behavior with a healthy relationship. Don't get me wrong, I don't look down on what anyone else chooses to do, but for me ... its hard. I have asked him for some specifics as to what he is looking for, and I think he's not even sure exactly how he wants this to play out, he just knows he wants it to.

So I guess what I'm asking is, can anyone give me some advice to adding this element to our relationship? I want to give my husband what he wants, but I don't want to cross any lines either. Any help at all would be appreciated. Thanks for your time.

 

[FloggingMolly]

Does he mean just in the bedroom, or around the house, in the grocery store etc?

 

[DaisyJayne0407]

Just the bedroom.

 

[BLoved]

I'm new here, and I'm not entirely sure if this where I need to be posting this kind of question. If I'm erroneously taking up space on your board, I apologize in advance!

I'm married, and my husband has been suggesting a little that he'd like me to take charge, order him around a little, and call him some ''bad names''. I don't think he's interested in any sort of permanent arrangement or changing the dynamics of our relationship. However, my last relationship was very abusive -- physically, verbally, all the way around -- and its a little hard for me to reconcile this behavior with a healthy relationship. Don't get me wrong, I don't look down on what anyone else chooses to do, but for me ... its hard. I have asked him for some specifics as to what he is looking for, and I think he's not even sure exactly how he wants this to play out, he just knows he wants it to.

So I guess what I'm asking is, can anyone give me some advice to adding this element to our relationship? I want to give my husband what he wants, but I don't want to cross any lines either. Any help at all would be appreciated. Thanks for your time.

I suggest you worry less about what we think, and focus more on what your husband thinks.

Talk to him. Keep talking to him until you both understand each other. He needs to understand your concerns, you need to understand his desires.

Be patient. It can be difficult to discuss feelings that have been kept in the closet for years.

Be persistant. You will never understand each other unless you keep trying to communicate.

Between the two of you you have all the answers you need, and in this those are the only answers that matter.

Good luck.

 

[Stella_Omega]

it is difficult to think about consensual 'abuse' as sexy or fun or anything but fearful and nervous-making if you have been abused yourself.

The thing you want to remember (easy to say, I know) is that you will in no way be abusing him, but, instead, adding to his pleasure-- and, if he is any kind of gentleman at all-- he will make sure your pleasure is enlarged upon in return.

If I can recommend a book-- or three-- the triumvirate would be these;

The Sexually Dominant Woman: A Workbook for Nervous Beginners by Lady Green
The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Female Dominance by Mistress Lorelei
The Art Of Sensual Female Dominance: A Guide for Women by Claudia Varrin

 

[Netzach]

Don't let him put it all on you then. Hold his wrists down in bed and say "bad names like what? You tell me."

Make him tell you what he is. Watch him get embarrassed and excited.

 

[radepor]

Daisy Jayne

I'm male.

I suggest you tread carefully.

I haven't read any succeeding posts and don't want to "contaminate" my response by doing so.

I was married, once; I also had a point, well into the marriage, where I wanted to change things. Those things were not entirely healthy, but I wanted them nevertheless.

I suspect you love your husband or you wouldn't be asking for advice. I suggest you try to accommodate his desires within boundaries you feel comfortable with and which may be very "fluid".

You will have a "sixth" sense about things that aren't healthy; heed them.

I'm new here, and I'm not entirely sure if this where I need to be posting this kind of question. If I'm erroneously taking up space on your board, I apologize in advance!

I'm married, and my husband has been suggesting a little that he'd like me to take charge, order him around a little, and call him some ''bad names''. I don't think he's interested in any sort of permanent arrangement or changing the dynamics of our relationship. However, my last relationship was very abusive -- physically, verbally, all the way around -- and its a little hard for me to reconcile this behavior with a healthy relationship. Don't get me wrong, I don't look down on what anyone else chooses to do, but for me ... its hard. I have asked him for some specifics as to what he is looking for, and I think he's not even sure exactly how he wants this to play out, he just knows he wants it to.

So I guess what I'm asking is, can anyone give me some advice to adding this element to our relationship? I want to give my husband what he wants, but I don't want to cross any lines either. Any help at all would be appreciated. Thanks for your time.

 

[Essene]

Consent

Hi,

I agree with both Netzach and Stella, and for the record, they always have some of the best; most insightful posts I've seen...well, sometimes Stella likes to talk about her baby opossums, but they're super cute so it's all well and good.


Here's the thing though - consent.

Your husband clearly wants, and consents to this. If you're interested too, clarify what it is exactly that he wants. Like Netzach said, clarify what kinds of names he has in mind.

Around here you'll hear "Safe, Sane, Consensual" in terms of scening. Discuss, and make a plan of how this "scene" is going to go. Come up with a safeword, so that you know when you should stop.

Lastly though, if you're uncomfortable with this, and you absolutely do not want to do it, don't do it.

 

[radepor]

Clearly, Essene disagrees with me

Apparently, Netzach and Stella are good sources of advice according to Essene.

I don't disagree.

On the other hand, I vote for you.

If you and your husband arrive at a common place -- wonderful. If you don't, I vote for you.

Hi,

I agree with both Netzach and Stella, and for the record, they always have some of the best; most insightful posts I've seen...well, sometimes Stella likes to talk about her baby opossums, but they're super cute so it's all well and good.

I have been in abusive relationships in the past. Right now I volunteer as a DV victim advocate. I Top, and sometimes I have a difficult time resolving my Dominant/Sadistic side because I'm afraid of losing myself and becoming an abuser.

Here's the thing though, and it was even key when I took classes to obtain my certification - consent.

Your husband clearly wants, and consents to this. If you're interested too, clarify what it is exactly that he wants. Like Netzach said, clarify what kinds of names he has in mind.

Around here you'll hear "Safe, Sane, Consensual" in terms of scening. Discuss, and make a plan of how this "scene" is going to go. Come up with a safeword, so that you know when you should stop.

Lastly though, if you're uncomfortable with this, and you absolutely do not want to do it, don't do it.

 

[Essene]

Apparently, Netzach and Stella are good sources of advice according to Essene.

I don't disagree.

On the other hand, I vote for you.

If you and your husband arrive at a common place -- wonderful. If you don't, I vote for you.

How exactly are we disagreeing? And what's with the passive-aggressive response to my post?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Radepor, are you thinking that her discomfort with what he's asking for could possibly destroy the relationship?

Did something like that happen to you?

It is of course a very real danger. I thought DaisyJayne's post showed that she was aware of that possibility, too. It's always a struggle to balance the necessities of the marriage partnership and the desires of the lovers...

and feeding the baby possums, that takes up a lot of my day!

 

[Essene]

and feeding the baby possums, that takes up a lot of my day!

Yeah, but I bet it doesn't take that long to actually feed them. I have a feeling that the majority of that time spent "feeding" is due to you "ooohing" and "aaahhhing" over how cute they are.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Yeah, but I bet it doesn't take that long to actually feed them. I have a feeling that the majority of that time spent "feeding" is due to you "ooohing" and "aaahhhing" over how cute they are.

And trying to trap them long enough to pet their soft fur. Cat food makes VERY silky possums.

They have black paws with white fingers-- like hobo gloves. And big ears like oiled black paper fans. And they open their mouths and show you their eentsy teeth, trying to scare you off. But they are also quite nearsighted, and they tend to ignore things like human feet, until they trip right over your toes...

 

[bunny bondage]

DaisyJane, does the thought of Dominating your husband excite you? i'm sure there's a mixture of feelings, but is eroticism in there?

 

[subwannabe]

I think you should have him search stories on Lit or elsewhere and pick them out for you to read to give you a better idea of what turns him on. Everyone has their own lines to cross which are different from person to person. He needs to give you an idea of which lines he doesn't want to cross and establish a safeword between the two of you if you stray into an area that wasn't discussed.

 

[Kikori]

Hi,

I agree with both Netzach and Stella, and for the record, they always have some of the best; most insightful posts I've seen

When Netzach isn't making making fun of a person / party related to the subject at hand, anyway.

You pretty much need to remember one enormous difference between your past relationship and what your husband is asking for. He's asking for it. That means, somewhere in his mind, he either knows he enjoys it, or thinks he does and wants to test it. Therefore, if you can make the distinction while going through with it, that's one important thing to remember. "It's for him. I'm not actually seeking to insult him and inflict that pain on him."

And if there's a boundary of not understanding how he could enjoy the same types of actions that hurt you before, there's always simply talking with him and trying to understand it. It helps if you know why he may like it, and if he knows why you may be iffy about doing it.

 

[shamegirl]

Firstly, Your husband should give you no end of treats for showing willing to go along with what must be a very difficult fantasy for you. He's a lucky man.
If your not sure what he wants, why don't you ask him to show you some porn that he likes? A visual of what he's after could prove useful?

 

[fuckmeat]

The thing about being submissive is that telling the potential dominant party exactly what you want feels too much like being in control for a lot of people. It kind of defeats the object. The age old joke is:

When a masochist begs 'beat me!' a true sadist says 'no.'

It's a little unfair of your guy to expect you to metamorphosise into domme incarnate without a bit of guidance but I can see where he's coming from. I'll bet though that he has favourite porn clips that might enlighten you, or some stories here if he also frequents lit. You should also get clear direction from him on what kind of domination he'd like. He may or may not be looking for control, pain or humiliation. You can also google for a BDSM checklist that covers a wide range of kinky activities that he can green-light or veto.

You can also agree a safeword unrelated to sex like 'red' that he can say if things get too much. That way there won't be mixed signals about what he's consenting to.

Have a look through the blank manual here for ideas.

 

[satindesire]

Ahem. *stands up on soapbox*

See, what this thread is going to tell you in the end is...the best information and help you can get is from your husband. Not from us.

Only -he- can tell you what he wants. And none of that "I don't know, just tell me what to do." shit can fly. You need him to be specific, so ask him, or better yet, TELL him to be specific. I suggest a nice sit-down with just the two of you in a comfortable and private place, with a glass of wine or a light snack, no TV and no cell phones on, and talk about it.

I know that in the Utopian ideal society, no one would have trouble talking about sex with the people they have sex with, but I understand realistically, that doesn't always fly. It can be hard, and embarrassing, to talk about sex and specifically about something that many people consider "deviant" or "perverted", but you ultimately need to be able to go against your comfort zone and discuss this difficult subject openly and honestly with him.

All the BDSM websites and books in the whole world can't teach you how to be a good Domme to your husband, all it can give you is some ideas and creative inspiration. What's really going to teach you how to be a good bedroom Domme is talking with your husband, and discovering what he wants from you, and what you want from him.

 

[Netzach]

DaisyJane, does the thought of Dominating your husband excite you? i'm sure there's a mixture of feelings, but is eroticism in there?

This is an incredibly important point. Which is why I suggested going about it as I did, because getting him worked up seems a bit more potentially fun and light than having deep hardnosed negotiations about it - but that may be more your style.

Bottom line, if you are doing something that does nothing for you, sexually, JUST to get your partner off, you at least deserve some serious indulgence on your part. Or this will become work. Unpaid professional dominatrixlike work. Uncool.