newbie

[levidebacker]

hello,
i'm a thirty one year old bisexual(like actually OUT, not closeted) male that has lead a mostly homosexual life, but am now seperated from my partner of eight years. i've always topped with men, but found few who wanted to be dominated. the closest we came to bdsm with my former partner was holding him down while havnig sex, consensual power struggle, but pretty damn vanilla, but i loved him enough that it was ok until the last two years of our relationship, where we barely had sex at all. with other partners, male, female and transgendered, i was able to top them, tie them up, ball gagging, etc, but with my partner i always felt like kind of a pervert compared to him, as he never masturbated or looked at porn, even when we weren't sexually active.
i'm a pretty shy, sensitive guy who does not appear dominant at all, and so have had problems finding partners that like what i like. i'm interested in having relationships with women again, after 10 years of sleeping with men or trans(FTM), and miss the 'feminine' touch. there is something sexy about being dominated by a woman, but only if there is also a deep love and trust involved in it, or we occasionally switched roles. but like i said women aren't really attracted to me for the most part, although i'm masculine, i'm not a 'man's man', which most women seem to want and are attracted to. and if women are hitting on me, which occasionally happens, i have no idea what to do without feeling like some 'creep'. i know that not all men that date women are jerks, and in my circle it's quite the oposite, but i can't get that stereotype of the ahole 'straight' guy out of my head whenever a woman is interested in me. i don't know what to say that would make me seem more interested besides being 'nice and friendly' which usually throws me into 'gay best friend' land, which is fine because i value my female friendships, but maybe i don't know how to flirt properly? with men i do so easily, but with women i'm more intimidated for some reason.
but now that my 'vanilla' existance with my partner has ended, i'm looking to get back to the 'pervert' i used to be, which includes B and D, S and M, power play, and role playing. i have no idea how to meet local 'queer' men and women who would be interested in this sort of thing, i live in a small town in nebraska for god's sake, so i'm not really sure what the hell i'm supposed to do. i know this post is totally all over the place, and i'm sure most of you have stopped reading by now, but i'm kind of all over the place myself, so maybe this is just me being me.
any advise to a newbie(the s and m stuff i had with other folks would fall into the 'tame' realm) who can't find a date?

 

[newtoplease]

Hey
I'm not expert at anything by any means
but just wanted to tell you to hang in their
if dating or flirting with women intimidates you - consider internet dating, or at least that at a starting point... as when and if you meet someone (from experience) you both vaguely know that you are already half interested in the other person and just need to see if you click in real life, and hell im not a major flirt but its hard not to be when you know you already have your foot half way in the door

hope that helps somewhat
regardless
keep you head up
enjoy and relish in what you realise you now want (a harder bdsm side)
x

 

[Sir_Winston54]

hello,
i'm a thirty one year old bisexual(like actually OUT, not closeted) male that has lead a mostly homosexual life, but am now seperated from my partner of eight years. i've always topped with men, but found few who wanted to be dominated. the closest we came to bdsm with my former partner was holding him down while havnig sex, consensual power struggle, but pretty damn vanilla, but i loved him enough that it was ok until the last two years of our relationship, where we barely had sex at all. with other partners, male, female and transgendered, i was able to top them, tie them up, ball gagging, etc, but with my partner i always felt like kind of a pervert compared to him, as he never masturbated or looked at porn, even when we weren't sexually active.

i'm a pretty shy, sensitive guy who does not appear dominant at all, and so have had problems finding partners that like what i like. i'm interested in having relationships with women again, after 10 years of sleeping with men or trans(FTM), and miss the 'feminine' touch. there is something sexy about being dominated by a woman, but only if there is also a deep love and trust involved in it, or we occasionally switched roles. but like i said women aren't really attracted to me for the most part, although i'm masculine, i'm not a 'man's man', which most women seem to want and are attracted to. and if women are hitting on me, which occasionally happens, i have no idea what to do without feeling like some 'creep'.

i know that not all men that date women are jerks, and in my circle it's quite the oposite, but i can't get that stereotype of the ahole 'straight' guy out of my head whenever a woman is interested in me. i don't know what to say that would make me seem more interested besides being 'nice and friendly' which usually throws me into 'gay best friend' land, which is fine because i value my female friendships, but maybe i don't know how to flirt properly? with men i do so easily, but with women i'm more intimidated for some reason.
but now that my 'vanilla' existance with my partner has ended, i'm looking to get back to the 'pervert' i used to be, which includes B and D, S and M, power play, and role playing.

i have no idea how to meet local 'queer' men and women who would be interested in this sort of thing, i live in a small town in nebraska for god's sake, so i'm not really sure what the hell i'm supposed to do. i know this post is totally all over the place, and i'm sure most of you have stopped reading by now, but i'm kind of all over the place myself, so maybe this is just me being me.

any advise to a newbie(the s and m stuff i had with other folks would fall into the 'tame' realm) who can't find a date?

First, welcome to Lit, and to the BDSM Talk/Café fora, where you'll meet some of the nicest - and some of the weirdest - folks online.

Regarding your post: To begin with, composing your post(s) with a bit more organization, as well as standard punctuation and capitalization (unless you have a physical issue that prevents you from using the Shift key - then explain that, perhaps in your sig line), etc., would help in communicating online with potential dates/partners. "Me being me" isn't much of a valid excuse for laziness in an intelligent person, which (despite the 'flaws' noted above in your post) you strike me as being. Presuming that you wish for your potential dates/partners to be reasonably intelligent and educated, the best first way to attract their attention is to show that *you* are reasonably intelligent and educated.

As far as your attraction to - and from - women goes, it seems to me that you're stereotyping *them* (women)! For almost any hetero-interested male I've ever met (in 60 years of life), there's a potential female mate... or more than one. Believe me, I've known men I wouldn't want on a bowling team - for hygiene reasons, intelligent idiocy (e.g., rabid racists who can present cogent and reasoned arguments for apartheid; alcoholics; fervent religionists who espouse - intelligently! - some of the stupidest social/religious concepts I've ever heard; etc.), yet they were able to find a female who was willing to tolerate/ignore those issues for the sake of their other compatibilities. So don't wrap all hetero women into the blanket description of desiring only a "man's man." Actually, I understand that in the world of today's metrosexual man, women seem to *desire* some feminine characteristics in their men.

As for not knowing "what to do without feeling like some 'creep'" if a woman hits on you, try just being yourself. That's usually the best policy in any interpersonal relationship, because you don't have to try to remember the persona you're trying to be.

Good luck in your search. And remember, just because you live in BFE, Nebraska, that doesn't mean that your potential life-mate doesn't live right around the corner, unnoticed all these years...

 

[DVS]

Hi. I agree with both of the posters that have already given you advice. I also agree with Sir_Winston54 that formatting or organizing your post is important.

In an on line situation, that's what someone will see first and if you choose to go that route, you will be judged on punctuation, spelling and grammar. That might seem harsh because you have more to give than what's written in your post. But that's one way people will single someone out.

Women (in my experience...submissive women), and maybe it's the same with submissive men, get a LOT of messages from their on line site profiles. And unfortunately, a lot of those messages are from creeps, wannabes, fakers and just plain duds. So, because they get so many messages, they need creative ways to cancel some of them out. There's just no way they can begin to read all of them, let alone respond to them all. So, how your message looks to them will be your first hurdle.

Now, maybe I'm the wrong guy to coach someone on these things, because my on line search has been little more than disaster. I've never been able to get many women to reply to any profile I've set up on line, although I will say that the few that did follow through with me came out to be winners.

But, it might be a total hit and miss affair so be prepared for those who will judge you for things you have no control over and for things that you'd never think to be a problem. And don't get discouraged at that, because it's probably just someone's method of canceling out a few messages, because of sheer volume.

Sure it's sad that you get dropped for stupid reasons. Sure it doesn't seem fair that they don't even take the time to get to know you. But, you just have to have a bit of a thick skin, and know you are worth more than how you're being treated by some of these people. Also remember that it's their loss when they don't try harder to get to know you.

And you might do very well in the on line system. It seems you are not only bi-sexual but also maybe a switch in some cases, too. I'm a hetro-male Dom and that limits me to who I want and who wants me. You could do quite a bit better, just because you have more options.

As to your fear that women are looking for that "man's man" thing, I can relate. Although I'm very dominant in my sex life (as you might be able to tell from the links in my signature), I come off as a very vanilla and somewhat timid guy until I get to know someone. The key is to be yourself and let them understand and get to know the person you are inside.

Women are feeling creatures and if you let them know the real you, your passion and your desires, you might be surprised at how well you'll attract the opposite sex.

Good luck in your journey. It won't always be easy, but you seem to be an intelligent and feeling guy. And with your sexual desires, there's more than a few out there that find that combination attractive.

 

[Etoile]

Regarding your post: To begin with, composing your post(s) with a bit more organization, as well as standard punctuation and capitalization (unless you have a physical issue that prevents you from using the Shift key - then explain that, perhaps in your sig line), etc., would help in communicating online with potential dates/partners. "Me being me" isn't much of a valid excuse for laziness in an intelligent person, which (despite the 'flaws' noted above in your post) you strike me as being. Presuming that you wish for your potential dates/partners to be reasonably intelligent and educated, the best first way to attract their attention is to show that *you* are reasonably intelligent and educated.

Oh my god, can we hand this to ALL posters? It should be part of the signup text. I agree with EVERYTHING here.

 

[intothewoods]

hello,
i'm a thirty one year old bisexual(like actually OUT, not closeted) male that has lead a mostly homosexual life, but am now seperated from my partner of eight years. i've always topped with men, but found few who wanted to be dominated. the closest we came to bdsm with my former partner was holding him down while havnig sex, consensual power struggle, but pretty damn vanilla, but i loved him enough that it was ok until the last two years of our relationship, where we barely had sex at all. with other partners, male, female and transgendered, i was able to top them, tie them up, ball gagging, etc, but with my partner i always felt like kind of a pervert compared to him, as he never masturbated or looked at porn, even when we weren't sexually active.
i'm a pretty shy, sensitive guy who does not appear dominant at all, and so have had problems finding partners that like what i like. i'm interested in having relationships with women again, after 10 years of sleeping with men or trans(FTM), and miss the 'feminine' touch. there is something sexy about being dominated by a woman, but only if there is also a deep love and trust involved in it, or we occasionally switched roles. but like i said women aren't really attracted to me for the most part, although i'm masculine, i'm not a 'man's man', which most women seem to want and are attracted to. and if women are hitting on me, which occasionally happens, i have no idea what to do without feeling like some 'creep'. i know that not all men that date women are jerks, and in my circle it's quite the oposite, but i can't get that stereotype of the ahole 'straight' guy out of my head whenever a woman is interested in me. i don't know what to say that would make me seem more interested besides being 'nice and friendly' which usually throws me into 'gay best friend' land, which is fine because i value my female friendships, but maybe i don't know how to flirt properly? with men i do so easily, but with women i'm more intimidated for some reason.
but now that my 'vanilla' existance with my partner has ended, i'm looking to get back to the 'pervert' i used to be, which includes B and D, S and M, power play, and role playing. i have no idea how to meet local 'queer' men and women who would be interested in this sort of thing, i live in a small town in nebraska for god's sake, so i'm not really sure what the hell i'm supposed to do. i know this post is totally all over the place, and i'm sure most of you have stopped reading by now, but i'm kind of all over the place myself, so maybe this is just me being me.
any advise to a newbie(the s and m stuff i had with other folks would fall into the 'tame' realm) who can't find a date?

Welcome! Sorry about the small town in Nebraska. I mean, I'm sure it's lovely, but in larger cities, you can find a big bdsm scene with a significant queer presence. Is there a bdsm group near you? I googled and found this in Lincoln.

 

[Netzach]

Dude, Omaha is full of gay and gayish perverts. I know it's a drive but life could be worse. Go to the Max and make some contacts, and don't rule anyone out - everyone has friends.

 

[graceanne]

Oh my god, can we hand this to ALL posters? It should be part of the signup text. I agree with EVERYTHING here.

Yup. I'd say put it in the library, but . . .

 

[chy_girl]

Yup. I'd say put it in the library, but . . .

What library?

*bats lashes and looks innocent*


And for the OP:

People have already said it but it's worth repeating - just be yourself. Not all woman are looking for the 'bad boy' or the 'manly man.' Some of us actually get annoyed with them letting their dicks get in the way so much.

I understand how hard it is to put yourself out there. Really I do (hence chy_girl). Try going to munchs or something with the intention of just making friends. It's amazing what can find you when you aren't busy looking for it.

 

[subish2009]

<snip>Try going to munchs or something with the intention of just making friends. It's amazing what can find you when you aren't busy looking for it.

QFT, yo.