Please Review

[DeParjure]

Hello:

I'm new here and would like some feedback on my first entry:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=469998

Don't hold back, I need all the help I can get.

Thanks,

Jackie

 

[geronimo_appleby]

the start was a little confusing for me and didn't really grab my attention because of the confusion. whose home were they in?

you drifted a lttle with the tenses mid-flow - or it seemed like it to me.

the characters were a little bland. not many differing personalities. mebbe add a few quirks, etc?

keep writing though, and keep submitting, it's the only way to develop. i hope you get some more constructive comments.

 

[DeParjure]

Geronimo:

Thanks.

Jackie

 

[Sanichi]

Hello Jackie,

I read your story a few times. It shows enthusiasm, so you probably want to carry on with others as well as work on this?

To improve your writing I would agree with geronimo_appleby that the introduction is confusing, and tense changes distracting. Just stick to past tense (he said/she went/they walked and talked, etc.) I can probably help more with writing style if you PM me. The most obvious thing is to separate any spoken lines that can get buried in a long paragraph, especially where two characters speak in the same paragraph. As well, you need a little help with punctuation, most often to the end of a speech where a comma should be used with no following capital e.g. ["Not at all." He replied.] should be: "Not at all," he replied. That comes with experience and doesn't affect the story.

For the story, I was wondering why your main character suddenly gave in to her urges after twenty years? Cash for a games console doesn't seem a good enough reason - it will be collecting dust in a year or two but her virtue is gone forever. I'd accept her decision to service Jim if he were perhaps a widower, and she felt sorry for him. Wife Kathy plays no part in the story anyway. The female protagonist is still very involved with her husband, and that's a good scene where she drags him upstairs for the slutty display. However, next thing she is insatiable, bagging not only her brother-in-law but her nephew, and his best friend almost in a postscript. Each encounter reduces the impact of the last; I'd focus just on Brian, perhaps with some increasing attraction and passionate flirting, with the forbidden nature of their actions to the fore, until she is compelled to surrender on discovery of the camera. It's your story, but sometimes less really can be more.

Still, I enjoyed the read, short and eventful. I hope this is constructive, and I hope you write more.

 

[DeParjure]

Hello Jackie,

I read your story a few times. It shows enthusiasm, so you probably want to carry on with others as well as work on this?

To improve your writing I would agree with geronimo_appleby that the introduction is confusing, and tense changes distracting. Just stick to past tense (he said/she went/they walked and talked, etc.) I can probably help more with writing style if you PM me. The most obvious thing is to separate any spoken lines that can get buried in a long paragraph, especially where two characters speak in the same paragraph. As well, you need a little help with punctuation, most often to the end of a speech where a comma should be used with no following capital e.g. ["Not at all." He replied.] should be: "Not at all," he replied. That comes with experience and doesn't affect the story.

For the story, I was wondering why your main character suddenly gave in to her urges after twenty years? Cash for a games console doesn't seem a good enough reason - it will be collecting dust in a year or two but her virtue is gone forever. I'd accept her decision to service Jim if he were perhaps a widower, and she felt sorry for him. Wife Kathy plays no part in the story anyway. The female protagonist is still very involved with her husband, and that's a good scene where she drags him upstairs for the slutty display. However, next thing she is insatiable, bagging not only her brother-in-law but her nephew, and his best friend almost in a postscript. Each encounter reduces the impact of the last; I'd focus just on Brian, perhaps with some increasing attraction and passionate flirting, with the forbidden nature of their actions to the fore, until she is compelled to surrender on discovery of the camera. It's your story, but sometimes less really can be more.

Still, I enjoyed the read, short and eventful. I hope this is constructive, and I hope you write more.

Sanichi:

Thanks for the tips. My word processor automatically capitalizes the "He said." I'll have to override it somehow.

I never gave her motivation much thought. Isn't widowhood a bit cliche? Who hasn't heard of the horny spinster?

I thought the incidences built upon each other, but I appreciate your "less is more" idea anyway.

Thanks,

Jackie