First Story

[SydNancy]

Feedback on my first story, please

Hello! I had my first story posted here a few weeks ago, and I have since done a bit of editing at the suggestion of one of the sites volunteer editors. It took a while for the changes to post, but now I am asking for feedback from the forums. I am working on another, and I would like to hear what people think about the first. In a site this vast, its easy for a story to get sucked into the vortex and disappear.

This is a "erotic encounters" story, originally written as a for my wife. She liked it and suggested I post it. I was going to put it in "loving wives" but after reading what some of the women in those stories get up to, I decided it didnt fit.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=466943

feedback is appreciated

Thanks

Syd

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Welcome sydnancy

LadyPineRose was right; it is a good erotic tale with marital emotion – although I thought her, “Keep it up!” a touch ambiguous.

Starting a story is very difficult. The wise heads advise jumping straight into the action and letting the details emerge gradually. We want to set the scene and explain the characters but it is a bit dull to give chapter and verse before getting going and, with a first person POV, it can seem like talking to the reader.

Just my opinion, but I thought you could have opened with dialogue. Perhaps something like;

“Darling, that was a fantastic dinner.” I pushed my empty plate away and looked across the table at the adorable blonde with sparkling blue eyes sitting opposite. My fantasy girl for over twenty years is not only a gourmet cook, she’s my sexy wife.


As she came round to collect my plate, I slid my arm round her waist and stroked her fantastic ass.

“What’s for dessert?”

She smiled wickedly. “Well, as the kids are at my parents for the weekend, I thought we’d have a rather special dessert. Meet me upstairs in ten minutes.”

Then you can describe the ‘beautiful breasts' and being more turned than ever to launch the scene when you see your wife naked in the bedroom.

I’m not a fan of this way of describing excitement;

“Ohhhhhh god! Uhhhhhh...Oh god, Oh godohgodohgod.....FUCK!”

I think real words are better and more effective.

A good start and, as Lady PR said, “Keep it up!”

 

[SydNancy]

Thank you

Thanks for taking the time to read and critique my story, Elfin. I like you suggestion for the opening, I will keep it in mind for my next one.

As for the dialogue / description, well, that's what she said at that moment- I know, I was there...

But I understand what you mean.

Thank you again.


Anyone else?

 

[PacoFear]

A solid first effort

Howdy SydNancy,

I read over your story and second e_o's endorsement. This is a respectable first offering; you should be proud. The mechanics are all there: grammar, punctation, dialogue, exposition.

As you shrewdly pointed out though, stories on Lit have a way of disappearing into the void. I'm afraid that may be this story's fate too. It's a tad vanilla.

S'ok, I happen to like vanilla.

As a practical matter, a Lit writer's first post is usually their most autobiographical one. Your case is no exception. I point this out only to say that I suspect you're not all that likely to make changes to this story; I get the sense that you're attached to it and for what seem very good reasons.

So, here are some polite suggestions for your next offering:

More romance
For a story whose apparent motivator was your own lifelong love, there could have been a bit more sentiment. One empty spot for me was when you described following her up to the bedroom and finding her waiting for you in bed. A pause at the doorway to admire her and (even better) to reflect on a quick and tender old memory would have sweetened this up a bit. Look for the little chances to do this. Done well, it can elevate your story considerably.

More emotion
It's an unfortunate state of affairs but merely saying that you traded "I love you's" just doesn't carry that much emotional weight. Consider digging into the underlying elements of your love that can still resonate for the readers: trust, respect, admiration, comfort, etc.

In the meantime, kudos to you on your first piece. And for your spouse, a is in order. A wife that not only tolerates but endorses our odd little pasttime is a treasure. I'm sure you treat her accordingly.

-PF

 

[SydNancy]

Thank you. Paco

Thanks for your praise and well thought out suggestions for "next time". Although I may take your advice and rewrite the doorway scene as well as adding some of the elements e_o suggested. This story has changed a fair amount since she first read it, and I think she would appreciate the changes. Thanks for taking the time to write!

Perhaps to keep it out of the literotica vortex, I should add a muscular poolboy with a 10 inch cock and an ex-stripper sister in law with a self lubricating anus to the mix...

Thanks

Syd

 

[jjaysonn42]

Thanks for your praise and well thought out suggestions ..
______________________________________
Office Furniture

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Perhaps to keep it out of the literotica vortex, I should add a muscular poolboy with a 10 inch cock and an ex-stripper sister in law with a self lubricating anus to the mix...

Thanks

Syd

No, Syd, that's what paco writes and he's cornered the market.

Seriously, I thought I'd gone on too long but I agree with him. You write good sex but the little things to turn it into 'special' need a bit of work. Some more dialogue interplay between the couple - hell, she's really going the whole nine yards so his tongue should be hanging out, his eyes should be bulging, he's in danger of a seizure and his co.. You know what I mean. Some conversation would make the wife more real.

You misunderstand lit. As a rule, we're a cut above the porn vids. We are saps that go for story. Not Updike or Hemingway, just a nice erotic tale where we are longing for the climax to be full of shivers as well as shudders. Paco put it more professorly and I think he is quite right.

The problem we have as writers (one of our probs) is that we see our puppets inside our heads and not as our readers see them on the page. Without going overboard, some time developing character is usually worthwhile.

We're getting way beyond 101 here and that's a reflection on the quality of your story/writing.