new to the submissive world?

[paintmeskylines]

I've been curious about the submissive world since I was about sixteen, but now that I am eighteen I have more actual questions about it. It seems that the whole thing seems to be a kink-fest [not bashing, just seems that way] with whips, nipple clamps, and all other kinds of the things that make me cringe.


So am I getting the terminolgy wrong? Is what I want, not a submissive?

I've also enjoyed sex with dominant men, being commanded, spanked, and sometimes even calling my lover "master" or "sir". I enjoy pleasing, rough play [such as being forced against a wall, hands held "bonadage']and sometimes even mind torment [not being let to come]. I also enjoy obeying my "master", as to whatever he wishes except those things.

Though things like being tied up, hit [with actual bruise potiential], rope bondage, and nipple clamps make me want to become physically ill.

Can someone clear up this confusion for me?

 

[BiBunny]

Some people are into S&M and bondage. Some people are into D/s. Some people are into both. But lots of people confuse the different aspects, even though they're NOT the same.

 

[paintmeskylines]

So where would that put me?

 

[ecstaticsub]

So where would that put me?

Most likely a submissive, but try really hard not to get too caught up with labels. The important part is to find a partner who shares your viewpoint on power exchange relationships.

I am not really masochistic. I am very much a submissive to my Dominant. Fortunately he gets off mostly on the power he had over me, rather than the S&M aspects. (though we both get into S&M to a certain degree).

Like every other kind of relationship find someone with similar interests and the label you put on yourself won't matter.

 

[paintmeskylines]

oh, Okay. I just find it incredibly hard to find someone like that, all my lovers have been to into the bondage and stuff for my taste. So i find it hard to describe to a potiential master what im looking for so i dont get in over my head, and possibly hurt.

 

[ecstaticsub]

oh, Okay. I just find it incredibly hard to find someone like that, all my lovers have been to into the bondage and stuff for my taste. So i find it hard to describe to a potiential master what im looking for so i dont get in over my head, and possibly hurt.

Look for key phrases like "Loving Domination" or "BDSM-lite" Even some Daddy Doms are not so much into the Daddy/little girl dynamic as they are into simply being obeyed and getting what they want.

Don't settle for less than what you want. Try to be patient, there are plenty of who you are looking for out there.

 

[paintmeskylines]

thank you.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Skip any personals ads you think might be from me. You're not ready for my brand of fun... and may never be.


But that's okay. What's important is that you figure out what *your* brand of fun is and take the time to find someone whose brand of fun matches yours as closely as possible (from the reciprocal viewpoint).

Good luck...



And welcome to the Forum!

 

[joehmpsd]

I have to agree with the advice already given. Don't get caught up in labels or "categories'.

My wife and I have been involved in a Dom/Sub relationship for years that started before we were married. It does not consume our lives and every time we have sex it does not revolve around D/S play but we enjoy it frequently. She enjoys being dominated, held down or against a wall, loves to be restrained with leather or rope but does not want to be hurt. Although she rarely turns down a good spanking.

What I am getting at is it is the partner that is important and exploring each others limits together to create a trusting scene you both will enjoy. Watch carefully for abusive relationships, I do not care how submissive you are there is no room for abuse.

Take your time, be careful, educate yourself and have fun.

Good Luck.

 

[jane_said]

Awesome advice. Exploring is so much of the fun.

I didn't start this until my mid-40's!! I never thought I'd be in to pain, implact play, humiliation. I'm a good girl...

When I started, I was more about pleasing and service and what I'd call sensation play.

That was 5 years ago. Now, I've realized how much I like intense impact. I hate to say pain - that has such a negative connotation. Yet I do appreciate pain as well. I don't like being hurt because, well, fuck, it hurts. But you know how, after you've had a really really good cry and you feel so different? You feel open, sort of new, you've cried out the old, icky feelings. That's where pain and humiliation can take me.

(sidebar: it's not like any guy can come up and slap me in the face, spit on me and tell me i'm a cum pig and i'm all gooey and new.... it has to be done in a really trusting relationship... sidebar to the sidebar: although the face slap does seem to have a weird universal instant slut appeal...)

I've rambled long enough.

Hope you take your time, find trustworthy people to help you explore in order to learn new things!

 

[reneemyrenee]

clear it up a submissive does NOT have to be a pain freak!

I found that understanding to be under-noted in the world of dom and sub understandings.

You are confused for a reason.
Just because your true nature is to please your Master doesn't mean you HAVE to enjoy pain or desire pain or whatever a pain slut does and feels.

The two have nothing to do with each other. The key is to find a Master who is not a sadist. Then he wont be full of a desire to hurt you. That does not mean he wont take you into the realm of pain to explore you submissive or not.

 

[jane_said]

I found that understanding to be under-noted in the world of dom and sub understandings.

You are confused for a reason.
Just because your true nature is to please your Master doesn't mean you HAVE to enjoy pain or desire pain or whatever a pain slut does and feels.

The two have nothing to do with each other. The key is to find a Master who is not a sadist. Then he wont be full of a desire to hurt you. That does not mean he wont take you into the realm of pain to explore you submissive or not.

This is a good point; Bi-bunny stated this earlier. On another thread, I talked about labels & terminology. This is where understanding what stuff means comes in handy. Submissive/slave does not equal masochist. Dominant/Master does not equal sadist.

As reneemyrenee points out, being submissive doesn't = liking pain. Being submissive is whatever you want it to be.

I have friends who are submissive without being sexual. To them, submission = service and their kink is serving others.

That's part of the exploration. It sounds like you're on your way.

 

[Trudy_Antone]

*****

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

It seems that the whole thing seems to be a kink-fest [not bashing, just seems that way] with whips, nipple clamps, and all other kinds of the things that make me cringe.

These kinds of perceptions make me a bit sad. There's so much more. So much love, caring, devotion. A connection. Something deeper that seems to open up when your soul is laid utterly bare before a set of probing eyes. Eyes that hold all the promise in the world, that draw you in, that make you feel like you're the centre of the universe, that your sole purpose is to make that person's life easier, happier. And that in return, you'll be loved. Taken care of. Kept safe. Cherished.

 

[00Syd]

These kinds of perceptions make me a bit sad. There's so much more. So much love, caring, devotion. A connection. Something deeper that seems to open up when your soul is laid utterly bare before a set of probing eyes. Eyes that hold all the promise in the world, that draw you in, that make you feel like you're the centre of the universe, that your sole purpose is to make that person's life easier, happier. And that in return, you'll be loved. Taken care of. Kept safe. Cherished.

Yeah, but that's not as shiny as nipple clamps.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Yeah, but that's not as shiny as nipple clamps.

They're not all shiny!

 

[Trudy_Antone]

They're not all shiny!

Mm, have always wondered about those, they look VERY interesting, something I would probably try on my own because I'm so repressed

Cool site Lizzie

 

[paintmeskylines]

This is what I honestly thought too! From my other thread re: Spanking, I thought, "if he wants to spank me does that mean whips and handcuffs and being roped to strange contraptions and actual welts and not being able to sit down for a week?" Frankly, it scared the bejesus out of me. I was in an abusive marriage for years and physical pain and arousal are at opposite ends of the spectrum for me. However, I kind of thrive on emotional pain. Crying is awesome!

Hehe, thats one way to describe my anxiety...perhaps. Whips and handcuffs are enough to make me want to faint ><

I do, unfourantely, have some minor heart issues. So that also hurts my chances of even meeting someone, let alone someone who I can trust with my body and feelings.

Perhaps this type of thing just isn't for me? Than again, I've noticed, or imagined, that is a very deep loving aspect of these types of reletionships, which makes me hopeful. Maybe I could be loved by someone, despite my health issues and submissive attitude.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Maybe I could be loved by someone, despite my health issues and submissive attitude.

You should be loved *because* of those things. They are what makes you, you.

 

[Skorpion49]

Exactly. The right dom will love you because you wish to please him, and he should want to please you the way you want to be pleased. He may want to stretch those limits, however. The sub decides when to stop, remember, with the safe word. I have had the great pleasure of being in a relationship with someone who would do anything for me, and became so fond of her that I sometimes struggled to complete the whipping she and I loved so much...things can become very confused in any relationship. Just keep talking - she was sure she had done something wrong when I stopped whipping her. I found other ways to please us that night, and she was definitively submissive - and in a way I was torturing her by not giving her the whipping she craved...

What I am trying to say is that you will find someone at the right level for you, if you communicate your boundaries and needs. This is a great turn-on for most men. Nothing we hate more than guessing games...good luck!

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Skip any personals ads you think might be from me. You're not ready for my brand of fun... and may never be.

I missed this before

/me signs up