Thinking about transitioning...

[Stella_Omega]

yeah. FTM.

Or at least, taking enough testosterone to become more androgynous.

Every morning of my life, I wake up, grab for that morning wood-- and it isn't there.

Then I lay in bed for a while, wishing for a visit from the penis fairy.

 

[CNYCarol]

How sad, although a life long lesbian I have never had penis envy.

While I have played with strapons, both giving and receiving, I can not imagine having a real one.

Personally I could never trade my pussy for a penis.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I've been a lifelong bisexual-- and then some-- all around queer

What I feel is not "penis envy." It is the desire to regain my own penis, which is missing for some damn reason.

When I strap one on, it's actually worse for me-- I hate the feeling of deadness-- I should be able to feel through it, and I can't.... so I usually prefer to use my fingers, or hold the toy in my hand...

 

[Night_Jasmine]

I've been a lifelong bisexual-- and then some-- all around queer

What I feel is not "penis envy." It is the desire to regain my own penis, which is missing for some damn reason.

When I strap one on, it's actually worse for me-- I hate the feeling of deadness-- I should be able to feel through it, and I can't.... so I usually prefer to use my fingers, or hold the toy in my hand...

Stella, you need to do what feels right to you. If you want to transition, you'll have plenty of support here. In the end, the only one to make you happy is yourself..and if taking the hormones and possibly more helps you to feel more complete as a person, I'll grab pompoms and cheer you on.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Thank you, Jaz

 

[Night_Jasmine]

*Huggles* you are welcome!

 

[lightsaver]

yeah. FTM.

Or at least, taking enough testosterone to become more androgynous.

Every morning of my life, I wake up, grab for that morning wood-- and it isn't there.

Then I lay in bed for a while, wishing for a visit from the penis fairy.

Dear Stella,
Years ago, perhaps an entire decade..
My cousin told me, "I want to be a man. I wish I was a man. I would be so happy. I would finally feel like me."

I was with her in a shopping mall, inside of a clothing store and I did not know what to say...
Because I saw her facial expression when she said it.

(At the time, she knew I was bisexual and I knew she was a lesbian in the closet way before she came out to me years prior to this moment.)

I did not comprehend her need but knew enough to know, she did not need me to relate to it, she needed my support and so I gave it to her.
Sure, yes - she was my concept as well as, my sterotype of:
A Butch Lesbian.

Within that moment in time,
I was confused as to what this had to do with wanting and needing and yearning to be male??!

Current time,
What you said, broke my heart. Because I remembered what my cousin said during one of the many discussions we had on the topic of F to M transitioning.

There is so much I take for granted. I am grateful for those brief moments, wherein I am aware...as best as I am capable of being in that moment.

What you said here, in particular:

What I feel is not "penis envy." It is the desire to regain my own penis, which is missing for some damn reason.

When I strap one on, it's actually worse for me-- I hate the feeling of deadness-- I should be able to feel through it, and I can't.... so I usually prefer to use my fingers, or hold the toy in my hand...

reminds me of my cousin and her agony, her yearning to be....
her true self.

I strap it on with my male partner. I do not relate to wanting to feel through it as you articulated so well.
My feeling is, thank you for being so true to form in this thread.
Your self is being true to you.
Perhaps it is the right time for you to be true to your....
Self.


P.S. Thanks for the Mozilla tip and I always loved the name, Stella - female or male or transitioning.

 

[Night_Jasmine]

Stella, question...since you are seeming more eager for this..how would you prefer to being addressed? Most of the MtF trans we have here online, we refer to as she. Would it be more comfortable for you if we began using the masculine terms for you?

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

yeah. FTM.

Or at least, taking enough testosterone to become more androgynous.

Every morning of my life, I wake up, grab for that morning wood-- and it isn't there.

Then I lay in bed for a while, wishing for a visit from the penis fairy.

Stella,

I can't fathom it, what it must be like. I found your words hauntingly painful, and sympathize, but it's difficult to empathize because I don't have that desire. How can one truly understand this sort of discomfort if it isn't present in your being? It's tough for me to wrap my brain around and perhaps I don't explain it well.

If I were the real faerie in my avi, I'd grant that penis for you. One that works with all the beauty that you deserve. In the meantime, I offer you a kind heart that seeks to understand.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Stella, question...since you are seeming more eager for this..how would you prefer to being addressed? Most of the MtF trans we have here online, we refer to as she. Would it be more comfortable for you if we began using the masculine terms for you?

Huh! that would be very gratifying, and also tickle my funnybone when I get all militant about women's rights and refer to my lifetime as such...

But I don't mind, honestly-- either way, or both. I'm confused, let's spread it around

Esperanza_Hidalgo and lightsaver, I thank you from the bottom of my heart-- thank you both.

You know, for most of my life, this desire has been truly impossible to obtain. There have never been operative procedures that were even halfway as succesful as the MTF-- and those are still not so great.

So when I would think about this in my younger days, it was like a romantic yearning, you know? And i could cultivate a sense of humor and some satisfying drama to keep it at bay.

But-- medicine is further along. I could never have a big he-man dick-- but with testosterone, the clitoris will enlarge like you wouldn't believe
And more innovations are coming along.

So, my newly reignited desire is mostly because it's a little less impossible now...

 

[Safe_Bet]

I can dig what you're saying Stella because I occasionally think about it myself. I would have loved to have been able to make love to Suzy with my own dick. The connection from that would have been amazing.

The thing was that if I'd have transitioned it would have destroyed or badly hurt our relationship. I would no longer have been the woman that she had married because there also would have been corresponding attitude, character and personality changes that would have made ma a "different person". I wasn't willing to even think about risking that.

Now that she's gone, I am so deep into "who gives a fuck anymore land" that I guess I'm thinking why bother... I'm never going to make love to anybody else anyways.

Huh! that would be very gratifying, and also tickle my funnybone when I get all militant about women's rights and refer to my lifetime as such...

But I don't mind, honestly-- either way, or both. I'm confused, let's spread it around

Esperanza_Hidalgo and lightsaver, I thank you from the bottom of my heart-- thank you both.

You know, for most of my life, this desire has been truly impossible to obtain. There have never been operative procedures that were even halfway as succesful as the MTF-- and those are still not so great.

So when I would think about this in my younger days, it was like a romantic yearning, you know? And i could cultivate a sense of humor and some satisfying drama to keep it at bay.

But-- medicine is further along. I could never have a big he-man dick-- but with testosterone, the clitoris will enlarge like you wouldn't believe
And more innovations are coming along.

So, my newly reignited desire is mostly because it's a little less impossible now...

 

[HarlotMinx]

But-- medicine is further along. I could never have a big he-man dick-- but with testosterone, the clitoris will enlarge like you wouldn't believe
And more innovations are coming along.

Keep your eyes on cellular scaffolding. Their have been a number of patents going through the PTO which deal with growing entire organs from scaffolds that don't reject because they are composed from the recipient's own cells. Recently the were able to successfully grow very complex organs, like a patent came through for a new scaffold that was used to grow cervix's and sections of vagina's for women with genital defects. The part that really caught my eye was they weren't using cells from the vagina but similar cells from other parts of the body. Realistically the technology already exists to grow a penis or a vagina or rather the structure of one (penises are a bit more complex than vaginas due to the plumbing) but just haven't really hit the medical field in the form of sex change and as a whole aren't commonly used and still has some problems they're working to fix.

Here is a picture of a cell scaffold.
http://www.reinnervate.com/img_uploads/thin%20membrane.gif
An example of early cellular engineering to grow a human ear on a rat. I know it's a bit Frankensteinish but a awesome example of the potential.
http://biomed.brown.edu/Courses/BI108/BI108_2007_Groups/group12/Development_clip_image003.jpg
This was a pig heart they were able to grow from a cellular scaffold.
http://www.mirm.pitt.edu/news/images/whole_heartB_x220.jpg

 

[Stella_Omega]

HM, you KNEW I would love that kind of tech info, didn't you!

Aside from the possibilities, the scaffold image is so entrancing... and the mouse so nauseating. I love it, thanks!

 

[Etoile]

I can dig what you're saying Stella because I occasionally think about it myself. I would have loved to have been able to make love to Suzy with my own dick. The connection from that would have been amazing.

The thing was that if I'd have transitioned it would have destroyed or badly hurt our relationship. I would no longer have been the woman that she had married because there also would have been corresponding attitude, character and personality changes that would have made ma a "different person". I wasn't willing to even think about risking that.

Now that she's gone, I am so deep into "who gives a fuck anymore land" that I guess I'm thinking why bother... I'm never going to make love to anybody else anyways.

FWIW, a good friend of mine is FTM and his wife had no such issues when he transitioned. She still considers herself a lesbian, too. They've been together 14 years.

 

[Stella_Omega]

FWIW, a good friend of mine is FTM and his wife had no such issues when he transitioned. She still considers herself a lesbian, too. They've been together 14 years.

heh, a freind of mine ended up in the same situation-- a lifelong Fem Lib Sep dyke, and her GF went into transition. Kriss has been just fine with it.

Her family though... Mom tells her; "see, I knew this lesbian thing was a phase, and you'd end up marrying a man." WTF.

On that note, my aged parents have said that they will support me in any decision I make. This despite some abysmal ignorance that I wasn't expecting. My mother; "Your girlfriend should be really happy, huh?"
Me; "No mom, she's a lesbian. She likes women."
Mom; "Oh, really? I would have thought they'd like that!"



And this one;
"Mom, I am trying to get up my courage to talk to doctor about this, because I need a baseline for my hormone count, and I just don't have the patience to listen to explanations of the things I've researched better than he ever has. Alot of times, the doctors will want proof that you're serious, and make you wait two years because it's the first time they've heard about it from you,. So, I want to know, if you and dad would write some kind of letter saying that I've been like this my whole life?"
Mom; "Well, honey, you'll have to ask him, and he'll decide if it's okay or safe for you..."
Me omifuckingfreakinggod... *Stella, do NOT PICK UP THAT BASEBALL BAT!*

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

heh, a freind of mine ended up in the same situation-- a lifelong Fem Lib Sep dyke, and her GF went into transition. Kriss has been just fine with it.

Her family though... Mom tells her; "see, I knew this lesbian thing was a phase, and you'd end up marrying a man." WTF.

On that note, my aged parents have said that they will support me in any decision I make. This despite some abysmal ignorance that I wasn't expecting. My mother; "Your girlfriend should be really happy, huh?"
Me; "No mom, she's a lesbian. She likes women."
Mom; "Oh, really? I would have thought they'd like that!"



And this one;
"Mom, I am trying to get up my courage to talk to doctor about this, because I need a baseline for my hormone count, and I just don't have the patience to listen to explanations of the things I've researched better than he ever has. Alot of times, the doctors will want proof that you're serious, and make you wait two years because it's the first time they've heard about it from you,. So, I want to know, if you and dad would write some kind of letter saying that I've been like this my whole life?"
Mom; "Well, honey, you'll have to ask him, and he'll decide if it's okay or safe for you..."
Me omifuckingfreakinggod... *Stella, do NOT PICK UP THAT BASEBALL BAT!*

I laughed and cried at this Stella.

 

[playwithlezli]

Best of luck with whatever you decide Stella. You will find support here, especially at the Vibe. Please don't be afraid to take your time with your decision. It is one thing to say "wouldn't it be nice" and another to look at it with a view to making it happen.

hugs in the meantime

 

[lightsaver]

Stella,
Oh goodness, you are most welcome.

I have a few questions (as usual) :
Are you a lingerie assistant or, a lingering, lingerie assistant?

How about stud or, studette? Instead of male or female?

All silly questions aside, I think it would be great if large clits got the same attention large dicks get. Cuz I dunno why they (large dicks) get so much spotlight anyways.

And your convo w/the parents....
I do agree with Espie, in that it is simultaneously, sad and humourous. If you find solace in the PREDICTABILITY of your parents and their behaviour/reactions - it is wise and less of a strain on you. No reward in knowing what they will say or not say, ahead of time. I just think its the most we can get from unsupportive and/or unknowing parents.
Peace,
light

 

[Stella_Omega]

Best of luck with whatever you decide Stella. You will find support here, especially at the Vibe. Please don't be afraid to take your time with your decision. It is one thing to say "wouldn't it be nice" and another to look at it with a view to making it happen.

hugs in the meantime

SO TROOOO!

And I do keep waffling back and forth. Someone just this morning told me about a real live face-to-face support group for androgynes, and offered to go with me-- s/he's in much the same position as myself.

So I am going to explore that.

Stella,
Oh goodness, you are most welcome.

I have a few questions (as usual) :
Are you a lingerie assistant or, a lingering, lingerie assistant?

How about stud or, studette? Instead of male or female?

All silly questions aside, I think it would be great if large clits got the same attention large dicks get. Cuz I dunno why they (large dicks) get so much spotlight anyways.

And your convo w/the parents....
I do agree with Espie, in that it is simultaneously, sad and humourous. If you find solace in the PREDICTABILITY of your parents and their behaviour/reactions - it is wise and less of a strain on you. No reward in knowing what they will say or not say, ahead of time. I just think its the most we can get from unsupportive and/or unknowing parents.
Peace,
light

Hee, I like stud!

When you google testosterone for women, everyone parrots the same damn things; "unwanted side effects can include hirsuitness, a deeper voice, less body fat, an enlarged clitoris."

I keep saying; "How is a larger clit a bad thing?"

My mother... i dunno. My parents were part of the Hollywood swinging crowd, back in the day. And it's amazing to realise that they lived such an open life, and so little slipped in. And my mother has shed interests as she's gotten older.

 

[lightsaver]

SO TROOOO!

And I do keep waffling back and forth. Someone just this morning told me about a real live face-to-face support group for androgynes, and offered to go with me-- s/he's in much the same position as myself.

So I am going to explore that.

Hee, I like stud!

When you google testosterone for women, everyone parrots the same damn things; "unwanted side effects can include hirsuitness, a deeper voice, less body fat, an enlarged clitoris."

I keep saying; "How is a larger clit a bad thing?"

My mother... i dunno. My parents were part of the Hollywood swinging crowd, back in the day. And it's amazing to realise that they lived such an open life, and so little slipped in. And my mother has shed interests as she's gotten older.

You like stud! Yay!
Stella stud,
Wha?! -
If I had to choose between being fucked by a large penis or a large clit:
I choose the mondo clit. Now is the clit leaner, yet larger? Or, is the person with the large clit.. leaner?
(totally kidding.)

Double Wha?! -
Your parents had a ball doing whatevah, whenevah, howevah and then..
forgot?
I dunno...sometimes, I think parents (mine incl.) are just into having the spotlight on them. Punto Finale.
Some parents, choose their battles - perfectly legal.
Perhaps, if you were at an age that they were more comfortable with, it would have been easier for them to support you in a way that was effective?
Either way stud Stella,
Best of luck, thanks for keeping us posted.
*hugs*
light

 

[HarlotMinx]

My mother... i dunno. My parents were part of the Hollywood swinging crowd, back in the day. And it's amazing to realise that they lived such an open life, and so little slipped in. And my mother has shed interests as she's gotten older.

Actually testosterone doesn't REALLY decrease your fat content so much as change the locations it builds, you'd still have to burn it off naturally and whats worse is muscle develops under the fat, which tends to make trans men look a tad chubby.

 

[playwithlezli]

SO TROOOO!

And I do keep waffling back and forth. Someone just this morning told me about a real live face-to-face support group for androgynes, and offered to go with me-- s/he's in much the same position as myself.

So I am going to explore that.

Hee, I like stud!

When you google testosterone for women, everyone parrots the same damn things; "unwanted side effects can include hirsuitness, a deeper voice, less body fat, an enlarged clitoris."

I keep saying; "How is a larger clit a bad thing?"

My mother... i dunno. My parents were part of the Hollywood swinging crowd, back in the day. And it's amazing to realise that they lived such an open life, and so little slipped in. And my mother has shed interests as she's gotten older.

Good idea going to meet others doing what you are contemplating. Having access to the "culture" and meeting potential new friends is very important. This could not only be challenging but maybe a bit lonely. You'll always have us, but there is the physical world out there that we have to navigate everyday.

How is a larger clit a bad thing? If you are used to going commando, and your new and improved clit gets caught in the zipper, that would be a bad thing.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Actually testosterone doesn't REALLY decrease your fat content so much as change the locations it builds, you'd still have to burn it off naturally and whats worse is muscle develops under the fat, which tends to make trans men look a tad chubby.

That, and the wide hips.

And I am vain-- enough to not want to deal with that-- one reason why I might not go all the way.

 

[Stella_Omega]

So;

Someone else who is similarly gendered to me, found a genderqueer support meetup in the area, and we've made tentative arrangements to check it out together.

We've talked about androgyny, and whether we could be happy in a middle state--

I want to say one thing, though, and it's something I have to remind myself of every once in a while. I KNOW my gender identity, I'm queer. I am queer, and I was born with the wrong set of genitals. If I had a penis and balls I would still be queer. A bit happier generally, but it would not change my orientation.

I would probably be the same kind of mommy to my kids-- although they wouldn't have come out of my womb!And by the way, that is how I know that hormones are right for me. I got a dose of T, cross-placenta, while I was carrying my son. It wasn't much, but it kinda turbocharged my personality and I was happier in my skin. The effects took a long time to dwindle down -- very subtle. So that alone would be worth the price of admission.

Oh, and because i get my notifications on gmail, this link popped up;
http://www.satoriworldmedical.com/transgender/index.htm

"use your travel points and save on your op bills!"

 

[HarlotMinx]

So;

Someone else who is similarly gendered to me, found a genderqueer support meetup in the area, and we've made tentative arrangements to check it out together.

We've talked about androgyny, and whether we could be happy in a middle state--

I want to say one thing, though, and it's something I have to remind myself of every once in a while. I KNOW my gender identity, I'm queer. I am queer, and I was born with the wrong set of genitals. If I had a penis and balls I would still be queer. A bit happier generally, but it would not change my orientation.

I would probably be the same kind of mommy to my kids-- although they wouldn't have come out of my womb!And by the way, that is how I know that hormones are right for me. I got a dose of T, cross-placenta, while I was carrying my son. It wasn't much, but it kinda turbocharged my personality and I was happier in my skin. The effects took a long time to dwindle down -- very subtle. So that alone would be worth the price of admission.

Oh, and because i get my notifications on gmail, this link popped up;
http://www.satoriworldmedical.com/transgender/index.htm

"use your travel points and save on your op bills!"

That's actually a good point I think a lot of the trans community misses. Even if someone transitions into another gender they don't have to fit into the far end of the spectrum of their chosen gender. It's perfectly acceptable to transition into a different gender and still be somewhere on the middle.