Bad Pun, Anyone?

[Tio_Narratore]

Pay homage to that grand editor in the sky, Bennet Cerf, and do your best to make us groan!

Here's one to start...


Once, some time ago, the was a quartet of slatternly women who purchased a male slave for their amusement. They demanded, of course, that he be ready to please them at a moment's notice, and so they required he purse his mouth to be ready for a kiss whenever he was in their presence. They brought him along on their travels through city and countryside, where he soon became known as...

The Four Whore's Man of the Puckered Lips.

Bad, eh? Now do worse to get back at me.

 

[Liar]

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

[midwestyankee]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.

 

[mynameisben]

Pay homage to that grand editor in the sky, Bennet Cerf, and do your best to make us groan!

Here's one to start...


Once, some time ago, the was a quartet of slatternly women who purchased a male slave for their amusement. They demanded, of course, that he be ready to please them at a moment's notice, and so they required he purse his mouth to be ready for a kiss whenever he was in their presence. They brought him along on their travels through city and countryside, where he soon became known as...

The Four Whore's Man of the Puckered Lips.

Bad, eh? Now do worse to get back at me.

I guess I would tweak the one you just gave, as follows:

Once, some time ago, the was a quartet of slatternly senoritas who purchased a male slave in Acapulco for their amusement. They handed him a list of the fanciest hotels in the city and demanded he be ready to delight and arouse them at each and every one of them. where he soon became known as...

The Four Whore's Man of the Acapulco list.

 

[TE999]

Alexander the Great is known for his conquest of the known world, but few know he was also an inventor. To determine the optimum moment for his armies to advance and attack, when he awakened he would dip a cloth in a concoction of his own devising that would change colors as it dried. He tied this about his wrist and knew what time of day it was at a given moment.

It was called Alexander's Rag Time Band.

 

[bronzeage]

Leonard Bernstein was directing the New York Symphony for a special outdoor concert in Central Park of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. He was worried about the open air acoustics, so he hired three extra bass players, just to play a soft passage in the last movement. The musicians had nothing to do until their part came up, so they sneaked away to a Tavern and were drinking, while listening to the music. The wind began to blow the sheet music around. so the musicians took extra violin strings and lashed it to the stands. The bass players heard the last movement began and hurried back to the orchestra. They so drunk and clumsy that they bumped into the other players and knocked over chairs.

There he was, in the bottom of the ninth, the score tied and the basses loaded.

 

[MzDeviancy]

Leonard Bernstein was directing the New York Symphony for a special outdoor concert in Central Park of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. He was worried about the open air acoustics, so he hired three extra bass players, just to play a soft passage in the last movement. The musicians had nothing to do until their part came up, so they sneaked away to a Tavern and were drinking, while listening to the music. The wind began to blow the sheet music around. so the musicians took extra violin strings and lashed it to the stands. The bass players heard the last movement began and hurried back to the orchestra. They so drunk and clumsy that they bumped into the other players and knocked over chairs.

There he was, in the bottom of the ninth, the score tied and the basses loaded.

LMAO I love it!

 

[MzDeviancy]

Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

 

[MzDeviancy]

Oh yeah, and did you hear about the vertically-challenged fortune teller who escaped from prison? The press just reported that there's a small medium at large.

And one more (two part-er):

A budhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "make me one with everything"

He gives the vendor twenty bucks and says "hey, where's my change?"
The hot dog vendor says "change must come from within"

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Leonard Bernstein was directing the New York Symphony for a special outdoor concert in Central Park of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. He was worried about the open air acoustics, so he hired three extra bass players, just to play a soft passage in the last movement. The musicians had nothing to do until their part came up, so they sneaked away to a Tavern and were drinking, while listening to the music. The wind began to blow the sheet music around. so the musicians took extra violin strings and lashed it to the stands. The bass players heard the last movement began and hurried back to the orchestra. They so drunk and clumsy that they bumped into the other players and knocked over chairs.

There he was, in the bottom of the ninth, the score tied and the basses loaded.

Thanks, Bronzeage; that's a Classic!

 

[TE999]

Two women go to a carnival, see a fortune tellers tent and go in to have their fortunes told. When the fortune teller predicts the first woman's fortune, she becomes very excited.

"Oh my, such a wonderful life you have before you, I'm so pleased."

Whereupon the woman slaps the fortune teller across the face.

"Why did you do that?" exclaims her horrified friend.

"My mother always told me to strike a happy medium."

 

[midwestyankee]

Taken from Bennett Cerf's Treasury of Atrocious Puns:

Fish Story

The prettiest she-fish in the whole aquarium was Bess Porgy. Young John Haddock's gills fluttered with suppressed poisson every time she, and her chubby friend Mazie Angelfish slithered down the pike. To kipper in comfort was his consuming obsession.

Trouble loomed, however, when the two girls worked out a sister act and opened at the Globe under the management of Salmon & Schuster. An interested member of the audience was Rufus Goldfish, who sat in the second roe (he was slightly hard of herring) and viewed the performance with a sardinic smile. "Confidentially," he told a grouper friends later, "the girls' act smelt, but they're pretty cute tricks. I found the one who was barracuda."

John Haddock's sole shriveled at those words. "Only an act of cod will keep my Bess out of his clutches." he muttered shadly. Mazie Angelfish tried to rally him. "Don't be blue," she counseled. "You are no common weakfish. You are a Haddock. Remember Dorothy Vernon of Haddock Hall. Get in there and put that bass sailfish old flouder t'rout!"

John squared what passes for shoulders in a fish. "Thanks, Mazie," he spluttered. "By gum and bivalve, I'll get out of this pickerel yet. If that shrimp expects to mackerel have me to reckon with."

Suiting the action to his words, he knocked his rival off his perch so effishently that poor Mr. Goldfish whaled for the carps - and a sturgeon to get the bones out of his mouth.

"I did it on porpoise," cried the exultant John Haddock, clasping Bess, who looked prettier than Marlin Dietrich, to his slippery chest.

It was all such a shark to Mr. Goldfish that he's been eel to this very day.

The Haddocks had a tarpon time of it ever after.

Finny

 

[trysail]

Taken from Bennett Cerf's Treasury of Atrocious Puns...

Boy, does that bring back memories. That book was given to me as a small child; I still have the damn thing.


Buy sheep, sell deer.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

Boy, does that bring back memories. That book was given to me as a small child; I still have the damn thing.


Buy sheep, sell deer.

Ah! The classic Neolithic tale of animal domestication!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

A hangover is the Wrath of Grapes

 

[midwestyankee]

A few more for the discerning among us:

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quatro cinco.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

 

[glynndah]

I once had a friend who was disheartened and planning to drop out of law school.

"I'm going to get rid of all my things and move into that little cabin by the pond."

My reply? "It's not that bad. No need to Thoreau it all away."

 

[mynameisben]

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.

One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. He successfully raided a nest of hatchlings, but on the way back his path was blocked by two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. No sooner had he hurdled the beasts he was arrested and charged with:

Transporting underaged gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

 

[Dianthus]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ''Amal.'' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him ''Juan.''

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''Sweetheart, they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal!''

 

[oggbashan]

Many years ago, before mobile phones and easy inter-country telephone calls, my wife Gloria drove her women's group to France for the weekend using our old Ford Transit minibus. Their husbands had dropped them off at our house very early on Saturday morning so that Gloria could catch an early cross-Channel ferry to Calais. They intended to return on Sunday evening, leaving France about 7pm French time to be back at our house by about 9.30pm.

We had arranged a telephone tree in case there was a delay to the ferry. Gloria would send me a telegram from the ferry, advising the likely time of their return to my house, I would telephone a couple of the husbands, who would telephone a couple more, so that all the husbands would meet up at the right time to collect their wives.

But what I didn't expect was this telegram:

Sic Transit Gloria Mundi

 

[TE999]

An elderly woodcarver named Chan made a meager living whittling figures of animals from teakwood and selling them in the marketplace. When he returned to his hut one afternoon, he saw several of his carvings were missing. In the soft sand below an open window he saw tracks of what appeared to be the bare feet of a young man. Determined to catch the thief, the next day he concealed himself in the woods nearby to see if the thief appeared. Sure enough, a small bear appeared, climbed through the window and emerged minutes later carrying several carvings. The woodcarver sprang from his hiding place and cried

"I have caught you, boyfoot bear with teaks of Chan."

 

[SeaCat]

Did you know that when the artificial insemination of cows was first experimented with it was called a No-Bull Endeavor.

Cat

 

[YoursSINSerely]

This is a sick thread--keep it going. I think everyone has been very punny so far.

 

[MzDeviancy]

A pun is a word that is pregnant with meaning, aka a pun in the oven.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

One Sunday morning, the first Sunday after Easter, to be precise, Quasimodo was busy in the campanile, discharging his usual duties. It being his official birthday, he rang the bells quite enthusiastically, racing from one side of the bell floor to the other and back again as fast as he could.

Too fast, perhaps, for on one pass he overran the ledge and plumetted into the river below. As he bobbed up to the surface, he discovered, much to his pleasure, that he still held the rope in his hands. He immediately resumed pulling on the bells as he burst into a joyous refrain:

"I'm ringing in the Seine, Just ringing in the Seine..."