First Story - The Game

[KevinSir]

hey all,

I've been writing since High School and have started writing erotica in the past year. This is my first story that I've submitted to Literotica and would love to hear some feedback.

The story can be find here : http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=464887

Thank you for your time and your comments.

enjoy,
Kevin

 

[PacoFear]

quick 'n dirty

Hi Kevin,

I just read your story and liked it. Everybody loves a little office nooky fantasy. You do a decent job of narrating from a girl's perspective too and I know how tough that can be.

As far as feedback/suggestions go, I've got a couple you can think on, then promptly ignore as you see fit.

1) Even though your story is short, there's room to weasel in some more character development. We don't know much about McIntyre. To hijack some folksy wisdom for our mutual, devious ends: an ounce of character development is worth a pound of hotness.

2) The peril of "narrating with a skirt on" (as someone here described male writers switching genders) is that it's tough to ditch the man brain. There were parts of McIntyre's narration that rang a little male to me: "I about lost it when "; "making me gently pound my balled fist into the desk"; and to a slightly lesser extent, the reference to Hoyle.

Still, overall I thought it was a well-executed little vignette with a good mix of dialogue and description. And, of course, hot too. For a first post here on Lit, you're doing super.

Welcome to the party!

-PF

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Kevin, Welcome, and I enjoyed your vignette.

The play between the phone call and the action was nicely done.

I agree with Paco, you do a pretty good job writing from a female POV but, from the other side of the chromosome divide, I do think you’re too caught up with getting the final release and not concentrating on the gentle winding up to ecstasy. What’s happening in her body and her brain throughout the call is just as important as the ‘big bang’.

Perhaps just me, but I really think you can seriously cut the opening 3 paras. If you write from 1st person you don’t have to describe people to us, or working late. Just let her talk to herself, eg: 'I hate workin late when no-one is here and this pile of stuff is driving me mad'.

An elephant trap that 1st person writers often fall into is addressing the readers. This ;

And his dimples, did I mention his dimples?

kills a lot of your tension. We were with ‘I’ and you suddenly put us back with the voyeurs. Readers want to be one on one with the characters. The writer should meld into the background.

Also, you are good with dialogue so you could bring out her hard working points out in conversation with the janitor. It’s late – first time they haven’t had flapping ears in the cube farm – and he could say, ‘You always seem to work so hard, I've never been able to...’

What you do write gets some muddled tenses.

I had prided myself on being a fairly good worker, I paid attention to the details and I wasn't some 'Barbie' who put white out on her computer screen.

I pride myself on being a good worker: I pay attention to detail and I’m not some bimbo who continually whites out her...

I’m probably simple, but this line confused me;

"Do you know where the information on the staff meeting this morning is?"

She’s working late and this reads like it’s the morning. Isn’t she surprised her boss is working this late?

To put the timeline clear, does this work?

“Have you sent me the reports of this morning’s staff meeting yet?”

The idiot who said it wasn’t entertaining probably meant he didn’t cream his pants. It is entertaining and I sympathize, as I write what I think of as erotic stories and often get criticized for not being stroke. You’s doing good. Write some more.

Elle

 

[PacoFear]

[F]rom the other side of the chromosome divide, I do think you’re too caught up with getting the final release and not concentrating on the gentle winding up to ecstasy. What’s happening in her body and her brain throughout the call is just as important as the ‘big bang’.

Elfin's right on the money here, I couldn't put my finger on the broader concept she articulated so nicely.

Frankly, writing from a girl's point of view is the chance to get a bit more prosaic about thoughts and feelings and that's why I do it. The following passage would just sound weird from a guy's POV:

****
My heart thuds once and it brings a tiny moment of stillness that stretches out like warm taffy.

I can smell her sweat and my sweat and the fabric softener in her sheets. I can hear us both panting. The steady smack of her hips meeting my ass. The nasty squelching noises of good, uninhibited sex. Pleasure for pleasure's sake. There’s the trickle of a bead of sweat rolling down my back. And her fingernails sinking into the soft skin of my ass. Dana says something like, “Good girl,” but it sounds far away, like she’s down a long hallway.

My heart thuds again and the moment of stillness is over.

Ecstasy rushes in to fill the void. I’m already jerking and bucking and twisting when the orgasm ignites the ecstasy oozing from my pores like gasoline. I’m liquid fire and for several long, glorious seconds, I swear I’ll burn forever – a blazing beacon of joy to light the way for others so they can find this unbelievable place I’ve reached. This way everyone, I’ve found Eden!
****

Tap into your girlie side. S'fun.

-PF

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Ecstasy rushes in to fill the void. I’m already jerking and bucking and twisting when the orgasm ignites the ecstasy oozing from my pores like gasoline. I’m liquid fire and for several long, glorious seconds, I swear I’ll burn forever – a blazing beacon of joy to light the way for others so they can find this unbelievable place I’ve reached. This way everyone, I’ve found Eden!

Sounds more like you've found the eternal bonfire. Purr-leez Paco, or we'll have to confiscate your Harlequin romance reader's card.

The late, and sorely missed, Colleen Thomas wrote an incisive piece about the mistakes guys make writing lesbian stories which is worth reading:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=146282

It works for guys writing hetero from a female POV, I think. (She wrote great stories too. Worth a peruse if you aren't put off by lesbian fiction.).

Being nerdy, I find that the word 'climax' is misunderstood generally by erotica readers/writers and it's all because Dr Marie Stopes, birth control pioneer, was too clever for us.

She argued that women didn't relate to 'orgasm' (organs swelling!) and proposed 'climax' as a better description of female sexual enjoyment - 'climax' meaning 'through a series of steps by which a goal is achieved'. The OED credits the false 'climax' meaning of'high point' to 'popular ignorance'.

So, girlies climax and guys have orgasms (according to my field studies).

Sorry if I've strayed from the thread a bit, but it was meant to show the nuances when Tab A and Slot B engage.

 

[KevinSir]

hey Elle and Paco,
thank you both very much for your input. I've written a few things and for some reason end up writing for the female point of view, to be honest, not sure why... but I do really appreciate the pointers to further accomplish this and help for the sloppy tenses, it just creeps in. I need to be a better editor.

Thank you both again,

Kevin

 

[PacoFear]

Sounds more like you've found the eternal bonfire. Purr-leez Paco, or we'll have to confiscate your Harlequin romance reader's card.

The late, and sorely missed, Colleen Thomas wrote an incisive piece about the mistakes guys make writing lesbian stories which is worth reading... .

Okay yeah, I may have laid it on a bit thick, but it was for point-proving purposes. As absurd as it may have sounded coming from a woman's POV it would have been downright laughable from a fella's. As a male author, that extra room to play in is fun.

Thanks for the steer towards Colleen's piece, too. Your direction and her how-to were both quite thoughtful.

Kevin: I'd do as the nice lady says.

Elfin: read my Peaches and Honey and let me know if you think I went overboard there as well?

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Any story that can contain this line;

During the normal work week, Samantha, the miniature "Ice Queen" of marketing was already dressed to kill. That night, she was dressed for genocide.

deserves to be at number 10 in the toplist! Brilliant.

Seriously, I really enjoyed 'Peaches and Honey' and would advise any guy trying to write from a female POV to check it out.

Rather than hijack Kevin's thread, I will send you a mail through feedback.

 

[PacoFear]

Thanks Elfin.