Jump for a Joke!

[monique_minx]

Hello all! OPEN THREAD

The combined power of Yeishia's little fun threads and my father's rather...hmmm...shall we say horridly dirty mind?! Not to mention my Aussie heritage! All of this gave me the idea to start a joke thread since I hear about a million of them everyday!

So leave your offense at the door because as usual, I promise to offend ALOT!


So make me laugh people and I hope I return the favour!​

 

[monique_minx]

Okay my first! Heard this from a butcher down the street; one of his clean jokes...I was truly amazed he actually knew any!

"What's the difference between a battery and a woman?"

Answer - "A battery has a positive side"​

 

[yeishia]

Good Idea !

My Eclectic Thread contains lots of wonderful jokes, now that you have opened this I guess I'll post them here now; so we do not duplicate

I shall add one later today.

 

[dragonrazor]

Is this open to post to? If so, I have one you might like..


How do you keep a celebrity busy for weeks?

Give them a can of orange juice and tell them the instructions are on the can.

 

[Apollion]

What do you get when you have two oranges and a banana?

One of the world's stupidest penis jokes just waiting to happen.

 

[monique_minx]

Warning! Majorly disgusting dirty joke!




"How do you have sex and get head at the same time?"

Answer - "Fuck a pregnant chic!"

~ Thanks and praise must go to my former RL Master for sharing that with me! ~​

And yes, this is an open thread!
Oh Yeishia, I wasn't aware of that! Hope you don't mind sharing

 

[dragonrazor]

How do you stop an argument? Shove the man's head into your tits.

 

[Kiwikitty]

A little girl is on the playground with her friends when they dare her to look at her mom's driver's liscence.

When the girl gets home she goes and steals into her moms purse and looks at it. Then, she goes to her mom and says, "Mommy mommy guess what? I learned how much you weigh!"

The woman was a bit flustered but said, "Um, how much do I weigh sweetie?"

The girl goes, "130 lbs.! And mommy I know how tall you are!"

The woman was a bit confused at the accuracy but goes, "OK how tall am I?"

"5'5"!! And mommy I figured out why you and dad divorced!"

She raises her eyebrow and goes, "Why honey?"

"Cause you got an F in sex!"

 

[Last_Rider]

A woman goes to a priest, "Bless me father for I have sinned."

"Tell me your sins my child."

"I called a man a son of a bitch."

The priest thinks about this for a moment, "That isn't a very good thing, but hardly the worst thing ever done."

"Oh, but I had a good reason."

The priest smiles softly, "Well then my child, tell me what happened."

"First, he came up to me and we were talking."

"Rather like you and I are talking now?"

"I know, that's not a very good reason. Then he reached over and touched me on the shoulder."

"Like this?"

"Yep, exactly like that. I know I know, still not a good reason. Then he slid his hand down and touched my breasts."

"Like this?"

"Yeah, just like that."

"Still not a very good reason my child."

"I know, but then he had sex with me."

After a few minutes, a rather out of breath priest, "Like that?"

"Yeah, like that."

"Still not a real reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

"Then he told me he had AIDS."

"That son of a bitch!"

 

[monique_minx]

Howls with laughter at Kitty's and Rider's jokes!

Noice you two! Here's one of my long ones!

There's a plane in the air and it's about to go down but there's only three parachutes so the flight attendant doesn't want to choose which three live. She tells all the passengers that the first three to the front get the parachutes.
There's a huge scuffle and in the end; a social worker, a business man and a priest are at the front, the flight attendant hands them the parachutes.

The Social Worker says, "Think of the children!"

The Business Man says, "Fuck the children!"

The Priest says, "We don't have time!"

Terrible right? ​

 

[dragonrazor]

o.o *facepalm* not saying it, not saying it, not saying it....


How do you stop rabbits from multiplying? You take away their calculators.

 

[Apollion]

Okay, serial killer joke...



A woman's father dies and a funeral is held. At the funeral, she meets the most amazing man in the world and neglects to get his number. Months later, the woman kills her sister. Why?


She wanted another funeral to occur so she could meet the man again.

 

[monique_minx]

http://i298.photobucket.com/albums/mm246/cynical_barbidoll/Stickers/151319.jpg​

Thought you lot would get a laugh out of this one!​

 

[Apollion]

What's the hottest part of the jungle?

Jane. Just make sure Tarzan's not around before you decided to beat off at her.

 

[Last_Rider]

An 8 year old kid is talking with his grandfather on the porch.

"Bet you 5 bucks I can get a worm back into it's hole."

The granpa doesn't really want to take money from the kid, but can't think of a single way to force a worm back through it's hole.

"Alright, you're on."

The kid goes inside and comes back with a bottle of hairspray. The two dig up a worm, and the kid sprays it with the hair spray. As it gets stick and dry, the worm stretches out, eventually into one long line. The kid then picks up the worm and pushes it back into it's hole.

Amazed, the old man pays the kid and goes inside while the kid plays in the yard. 10 minutes later, he comes back out and gives the kid a 20 dollar bill.

"Grandpa, we only bet 5 dollars."

"I know, that's from your grandmother."


***********

An undertaker comes home from work one day with his left eye nearly swollen shut. His understandably distressed wife asks what happened to him.

"I had the worst day. I got called to a hotel when some man died in his sleep. Apparently they couldn't get him in the body bag because he had this huge erection. I went up to the room and sure enough, there's this big guy on his back, not moving, with a huge erection. Knowing how to handle this, I grabbed it with both hands to break it in half."

"Well, how did you get the black eye?"

"Wrong room."

 

[yeishia]

Warning! Majorly disgusting dirty joke!

Oh Yeishia, I wasn't aware of that! Hope you don't mind sharing ​

Of course not! mine as I said is an eclectic collection


A man and his beautiful wife were driving to meet their cruise ship, they thought by driving overnight they could save some money. However after many mishaps the husband realized they would have to stop at a hotel and make an early start in the morning.

The only one they could find was indeed a five star hotel and soon they were asleep in their room exhausted. The next morning upon while his wife stowed their over night bag in their car he went down to the reception to settle his bill

"$350.00 for one night this cannot be correct," he told the desk clerk irate.

The clerk then explained that they had a renowned chef that came especially each Saturday evening, a Las Vegas caliber floor show and a fully equiped health club all of which were included in the nightly fee.

The man explained, "We only checked in at 10.OOp.m. we were exhausted, we went straight to sleep, we have a ship to catch; we even skipped breakfast to get this early start!"

The clerk in his calm tones replied, " Ah but Sir! the services were offered, you could have used them if you wished, I must insist that you pay your bill"

At that point his gorgeous sexy wife joined him at the desk and resigned the man wrote out a check and passed it to the clerk.

The clerks eyes popped open "But Sir this is only for $50.00

"Oh! no worries I deducted the cost of you sleeping with my wife last night"

"b bbut I didn't sleep with her," the young clerk stammered out blushing


"Ah! but she was willing, she was available , and you could have!!!!!" the man explained smiling.​

 

[Last_Rider]

Nice one yeishia.

 

[Bsquad]

What's the difference between Net Weight and Gross weight?

About a hundred pounds.

*laughs*
Sorry...gotta be a night stocker to get the joke.

 

[monique_minx]

Cheers partner! And Rider you totally crack me up! Yeishia I loved that one!

Here's another lil funny sticker one

http://i298.photobucket.com/albums/mm246/cynical_barbidoll/Stickers/145781.jpg​

 

[Last_Rider]

Always happy to be of service Minx.

 

[Noon_Shadow]

Here's kind of an old one:

A cucumber, an olive and a penis are talking.

The cucumber says "I hate my life, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in salad."

The olive says "That's nothing, when I get big fat and juicy they cut me up and put me on pizza."

The penis says "You think you have it bad, when I get big fat and juicy they put me in a bag, throw me in a cave, shut the door and leave me there till I throw up"

 

[monique_minx]

Funny and adorable, had to post it! Anything that can make me laugh and go 'Awwww' is worth it!

http://i298.photobucket.com/albums/mm246/cynical_barbidoll/Stickers/140701.jpg​

 

[Apollion]

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/funny-pictures-one-cat-is-mad.jpg​

 

[Last_Rider]

I hope Mistress wont take this personally.

One evening a gnome was busily destroying bushes and humming to himself when a house cat appears, curious as to the creature he asks, "What are you?"

"A gnome," the gnome replies, "I steam food from humans, I kill their plants, I make annoying music at night to drive them crazy and I love mischief. Now, what are you?"

The cat thinks about if for a moment, "Um, I'm a gnome."

 

[Fira]

Q: What is the mating call of a blonde?

A: "I think I'm drunk!"

Q: What is the mating call of a brunette?

A: "Thank God the damn blonde left!"