My First Story

[heather88xxx]

First of all, I'd like to thank people here for all the wonderful advice and great stories. I decided to write my own stories about personal experiences. I am not sure what to title this but I was thinking about "Watching and Being Watched." This is first time I have ever written anything so I appreciate any advice you might have. Thanks again.

 

[heather88xxx]

It was the middle of summer and I had just traveled to California to visit my friend Jennifer who had just moved there with her husband, Michael. The two seemed like the perfect couple. They were always in each other arms and he was very affectionate. I only wished that my boyfriend was the same he with her.

One amusing thing I did notice was that his hands were almost always on her ass and it wasn't difficult to see why. She had the perfect hourglass figure but was a little smaller on top. But her hips and butt definitely made up for that as far as most guys were concerned. The two of us were almost the complete opposites. No matter how hard I tried, my backside would just not get any bigger. It was nice and round but no where near her level. She had long blonde hair and I was a shoulder length brunette. But the biggest difference was our bust size. I could easily fit into a 38DD bra and she wasn't any bigger than a 34C.

My first day visiting was so much fun. Michael took us to the beach and other attractions in the area. But even though we were having a good time, I was a little big jealous seeing the two of them together. It only made me wish that I had someone there with me even it was was my loser boyfriend.

That night all three of us decided to go to the jacuzzi at their apartment complex to relax. We had walked for hours through all the shopping centers that day and my feet were definitely sore. But as we were getting dressed, I realized that I had not packed any bathing suits with me. I walked into Jennifer's room and asked if I could borrow one of hers. She started laughing and then I realized what I was asking. "Do you really think you could fit into one of my bikini's with those things Katelyn?" I looked down at my boobs and giggled, "Well I could try."

It was a little difficult to get the top to fit just right but after adjusting the straps it did cover up what needed to be covered. When Michael came in, he just looked and smiled which is one thing that I really grew to like about him. He always made me feel comfortable around him and never gawked at me like most guys would.

When we got to the jacuzzi, a few guys showed up right after we did. The three of them looked much older than us and I quickly sank under the water trying to hide my boobs. Jennifer was sitting on Michael's lap, as always, as we all talked. One of the guys went to get some beers for us while the other two asked me a million questions. They made fun at my southern accent for a while and handed me a beer when they finally arrived.

All of a sudden I saw Michael get up. "I have to get up early tomorrow so I'm going to call it a night," he said. "You girls can stay if you want." As he stood up I could clearly see a bulge under his trunks from all that rubbing Jennifer was doing with her ass. She responded, "No, no. I want to go with you." I was going to go with them but one of the guys said that I should stay and finish my beer. I felt a little guilty for only taking a few sips so I sat back down.

As the two walked away, one of the guys was pretty abrupt and said, "Look at that ass on that broad." I looked at them and could see her pink bathing suit was barely covering her.

I tried to hurry and finish my beer but as soon as I did I was handed another. Our conversation turned for the worse and they made me feel really nervous when they asked questions like, "Have you ever fucked any guys with those tits of yours?" "And have you ever fucked an older man?" I finally got the courage to stand up when one of the guys reached up and squeezed my right boob.

The other two just laughed as he declared, "Those titties are real all right!" With that, I just stepped out of the jacuzzi and walked back to the apartment. I heard them laughing as I made my way back wishing that I had brought a towel to cover up since they were probably commenting on my ass like they did with Jennifer's.

I opened the door to the apartment and started walking to the room where I was staying at and instantly heard Jennifer's voice coming from their bedroom. I noticed that the door was opened half way as I crept to their room. My mouth dropped to see what was happening on their bed

Michael was laying down on his back while Jennifer was straddling him. She was still wearing her pink bikini but you could tell that it was off to one side. That's when I noticed Michael's enormous dick going in and out of her as she bounced up and down. I felt the urge to leave because I didn't want to be caught but I just couldn't help but stare at them. I had never had any sexual encounters with guys besides giving them hand jobs or letting them touch me but seeing them was turning me on like never before.

The hallway was dark and I didn't think that they could see me especially since Jennifer's back was towards me. My right hand instantly slide in between my legs as I watched her back arch backwards. Her hands reached behind grabbing his balls as she was grinding up against the biggest dick I had ever seen. I couldn't tell how long it was but it was definitly thicker than my boyfriend's. The way she moaned really made my pussy wet.

As I stood there with my eyes closed leaning against the wall as I pleasured myself. Suddenly I opened my eyes and I saw Michael staring right at me biting his lip as he fucked Jennifer. She was getting louder and louder as he thrust his dick into her. I felt so ashamed at being caught but I just couldn't walk away. Then I heard her scream, "OH MY GOD I'M CUMMING!" I slide my fingers deep into my pussy as I watched her ass bounce up and down his cock. I started feeling myself climaxing as he slapped her ass. I stared at Michael as he mouthed the words, "Take them out." Immediately, with my left hand, I pulled Jennifer's tiny bikini top to the sides exposing my tits to him. The bikini was so tight that it pushed my boobs together giving me more cleavage than any bra I've ever worn.

My legs trembled as I was getting closer to my very first orgasm. My knees buckled as I slide to the ground with my fingers still inside of and my thumb rubbing my swollen clit. Jennifer had just finished when Michael said to Jennifer, "Daddy wants to cum in your mouth." Hearing those words instantly made me cum. She quickly got down and that's when I finally got to see exactly how big his cock really was. She struggled to fit what looked like a ten inch dick into her mouth. We locked eyes as he said to her, "Swallow all of it!!" He held the back of her head as she bobbed up and down. When he finally finished, she turned and laid down on her side still facing away from me. I heard her ask him,"Was I a good girl Daddy?"

I was still kneeling in the hallway with my legs spread as I tried to recover from my very first orgasm. As I got up and walked to my room, that's when I realized that he waiting to cum at the same time as me. I started wondering how long it would be until I was Daddy's girl too.

 

[whalee]

Very nice first start. Could feel your heat watching and being watched. Good end.
You might review it for typos. "Slide" should be slid. I hope you don't mind my commenting on the grammar.

 

[sethp]

Very nice! Just a couple of grammatical errors like missing a "to" etc. You will want to make any new dialogue it's own paragraph though. You can't have two people speaking in the same paragraph. Other then that you're good to go!

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Read this from writers resources

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=8982

 

[Sweet_Carolina]

Nice job

 

[shockwaver]

wow! this is really hot! any more?

 

[ericahope]

Heather,
The positive thing about this beginning is that there aren't a lot of grammatical problems that infect so many other first time stories. So that's good

The plot, however, left me wanting way more. I feel like you're way to quick to jump into the sex. I can understand why a bunch of the people commenting above thought the sex was hot, because it reads like a porn movie. I want more from my erotic writing. But that's just me. I'm sure you'll get a lot of people saying this is hot.

To make it better I'd build the tension up a little. Make them wait a little for the sex. Give the reader some character development so we have a reason to care about these people. I have a hard time getting aroused by a sex scene if I can't relate or care about any of the characters.

Anyway, those are my quick thoughts.

Erica

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

A guy walked into a bar... That's what way jokes are told. That's what you've done with your story - you've TOLD he story. You need to let your characters tell their own story and SHOW the reader what is going on. As it ist, this is Chapter 1. No one will ever get to Chapter 2.

All thiis, "Wow... Wonderful Story" crap is just massage for your ego. When you finsh the story the same people will comment, "What a wast of time." Never listen to those who massage your ego. Listen to the people who are most critical. They are telling you the truth.

 

[CWatson]

Never listen to those who massage your ego. Listen to the people who are most critical. They are telling you the truth.

I disagree. This one time I told a writer the truth, and she didn't have enough ego to take it. She was so hurt that, to my knowledge, she never wrote again.

So, do listen to the people who massage your ego... but only enough that you have one. Then start listening to real editors, like Jenny Jackson and myself. We won't tell you what you want to hear, but we'll tell you what you need to hear, which is worth all the more. And you'll be strong enough to take it and run with it, because of the ego-buffing you got earlier.

 

[sr71plt]

Agree with your initial paragraph, CW. That's the Jenny that Scouries is pointing to. She starts from the premise that it's crap and makes it force itself up from there. A lot of critics to that, of course. Especially since this is a volunteered-story Web site, though, a valid critique would start in neutral--even, since it's a voluteer site, start in the affirmative and work down, as necessary.

As for Jenny being a "real editor." Sorry, but that's a load of Jenny. You look like you might be one, but not Jenny. And that's my, started from the neutral, professional editor observation. Jenny's in it for the cheap ego boost.

 

[sr71plt]

Heather:

First (and I don't think this disagrees with what anyone else has posted here--so I'm not jabbing at them, just seeing some of the same issues in what you wrote), I think what you wrote would be twice as strong if you just dropped the second paragraph altogether.

If you look in the fourth paragraph, you'll see where you did a nice job on the contrast in the boob sizes--and Katelyn's obsession with that--without going into more detailed description. This is developed as well in the sixth paragraph, and the reader is given all they need to know about Katelyn's ass issue in the eighth pargraph.

As far as story arc, I think you are giving mixed signals and you might want to separate and pin those down better. In your writing, you make clear both that Katelyn is self-conscious about her physical attributes and how they compare in "getting a guy." OK, that's fine. But then you also write enough about the guys' reactions to her physical attitributes (tongues hanging out on the boob size that she's self-conscious about and quite open "trying to make her" teasing) to show that they don't view these physical attributes as negatives.

So, you have dilemma and tension, and you even have partial resolution (Katelyn being shown enough in his action that she is desired by Michael that it sinks in that she is). Full and cleaner story resolution, though, would be the signal that she understands that all that written preparation you've done of the other guys wanting her too (and at the end, even Michael) on the basis of what she's self-conscious about, means she realizes what she's seen as negative physical attributes are actually positive ones in terms of her own goals. You just let that aspect hang unresolved at the end.

Possible ways of completing the story arc? (but these are just examples. The fun part of writing is developing those in your own imagination):

(A) part of her recognition that Michael wants her is providing her revelation that she doesn't just want a guy like Michael--she wants Michael himself (which would give you a lead-in to a larger, more complex story: how she resolves with her friend Jennifer--or doesn't--that they want the same man, who seems quite willing to do them both.)

(B) After seeing that Michael wants her, she marks him for use later, but also has the revelation that the guys at the jacuzzi weren't seeing her as any less desirable than they were seeing Jennifer--and decides in the meantime, while waiting for Michael to switch rides, to pick out the best of the lot of the guys at the jacuzzi and have it on with him. You spent a lot of storytelling developing that Katelyn's negatives were actually positives with the guys, and you really should ride that wave more than you do.

As others have posted, there is a story here--at least the base of one, but it needs some cleaning up and focusing in.

The style is loose, breezy and depicts shallow characters and motivations and the language tends toward the bald and crude. If this is what you are going for, fine, there's an audience for that here.

If you want to make it a meatier, more literary, "bigger picture" work, you could write in Katelyn's emotions more--and reflect those of the others by showing more in what they say and how they react--and you could be less direct and bald, a bit more subtle, in revealing the characters through their dialogue and their described actions.

You write clearly, though, with some grammar and punctuation issues, but not all that many for a claimed first story--and you have created the base for a pretty good story for a slice of the readership at Lit.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Heather, welcome and I would say you need to make your writing more of a story and less of a report.

CW and JJ are both right - hard criticism can be hard to take but you really need to get dialogue into your writing.

You have achieved a first, in that sr has finally read a story - albeit just on the forum. What he said was insulting and disparaging crap. Story arcs and rude comments about their being 'an audience for that kind of story' just prove the arrogance of the man.

I think you have a good story but you rush it and using first person makes you give up on dialogue. Hemingway loved first person but lived on dialogue.

sr writes like the Washington Post dishing dirt on a regional paper.

You haven't quite got the 3-act base of a good story but you are on the way.

If you wan't any help, mail me or PM - I'm sure CW or JJ would give a hand - but sr is too busy with restrictive clauses for pulitzer winners. Funny he's not nominated for 'Most Helpful Editor'.

Sorry I'm angry but I think he does serious harm to aspiring writers here.

 

[sr71plt]

You never give up your pettiness (or your lies), do you, Elfin? Quite a bit of an inferiority complex you have going there.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

You never give up your pettiness (or your lies), do you, Elfin? Quite a bit of an inferiority complex you have going there.

What pettiness, what lies?

I just tell it as it is.

Perhaps your ego is not as impervious as you claim.

And you are not honest here.

 

[sr71plt]

foaming at the mouth much?

Planning on writing an erotica story one of these years--or is just pretending you are a superior writer/critic good enough for you? It certainly doesn't take much effort on your part.

Have you heard of "show" not "tell"?

Anyone tracing back on this forum can find a few detailed edits I've done here. True I don't do a lot. I'm actually writing, and the edits I do are in private for people who have asked directly for them--which includes some of the stellar writers on Lit.

And none of this is the point, anyway. The point is that when I weigh in here it's usually to challenge some inanity of yours or Jenny's. You don't have to read the story to be able to tell someone that your advice to only write in 3rd person is a pile of crap.

 

[sr71plt]

Basically, what I perceive you want, Elfin, is to fight over the story being entered for help--and thus confuse and embarrass and upset the one asking for help--all because what's important to you (and Jenny) is not the writer and his/her story at all, but in reigning cheaply (because you contribute little or no erotica to the Web site yourselves in the way of modeling or substantiating your expertise) as queens of the Feedback Board. It's really just a cheap ego trip for you two.

I'm not going to do that. There are readers here at Lit. for the whole range of writers--they don't all have to fit into the box of expectation of a self-annointed "expert" who has provided nothing to evidence that expertise.

The point you always brush aside, which is the central point: If I see you making an inane generalization, I will comment on it so the writer doesn't have to stumble down your half-baked path and at least has a choice to consider. I don't have to jerk the specific writer of the day into that conversation if I'm focused on a sweeping generalization you have made about writing.

"Show" us your expertise, Elfin. Don't just "tell" us what a realitively new writer has to do because "everyone else" does it. (Apparently not you, though, as you haven't posted anything here in almost four years following your victorious essay on bra sizes.)

 

[LaRocha]

"Words paint coloured pictures in your mind. There, I've revealed my Englishness. If American, I would have written 'colored'; but it is a case of "you say tomato and I say . . ." Did you know that nice Mr Bill Gates offers us sixteen different versions of an English spell check program?"

Elfin's a humourist.

 

[sr71plt]

"Words paint coloured pictures in your mind. There, I've revealed my Englishness. If American, I would have written 'colored'; but it is a case of "you say tomato and I say . . ." Did you know that nice Mr Bill Gates offers us sixteen different versions of an English spell check program?"

Elfin's a humourist.

Yep, because if she were American she'd have to be a humorist. Right?

You can get a lot of humour out of an essay on bra sizes.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Then start listening to real editors, like Jenny Jackson and myself. We won't tell you what you want to hear, but we'll tell you what you need to hear, which is worth all the more.

When did I become an editor? I never said I was. I can write well when I want too because of the things I've learned reading this board for years. My advice is always the same advice I was given and the advice I've seen give to hundreds of others who write better than I.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

As for Jenny being a "real editor." Sorry, but that's a load of Jenny. You look like you might be one, but not Jenny. And that's my, started from the neutral, professional editor observation. Jenny's in it for the cheap ego boost.

Sorry, SR, the only over inflated ego here is yours. And yes I've struggled through your stuff and found it... I'd rather not say.

 

[sr71plt]

Sorry, SR, the only over inflated ego here is yours. And yes I've struggled through your stuff and found it... I'd rather not say.

It's hilarious when you (and others) say that to me, Jenny. Like I'd be wounded or something that you use that in an argument? Let's just compare eXcessica paydays, shall we? Nuff said.

But I think it's great that you and Elfin post what you do here. It helps my arguments a lot.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

It's hilarious when you (and others) say that to me, Jenny. Like I'd be wounded or something that you use that in an argument? Let's just compare eXcessica paydays, shall we? Nuff said.

But I think it's great that you and Elfin post what you do here. It helps my arguments a lot.

No it doesn't. It actually demeans you as someone who has to try and justify themselves in some way.

I'm pretty lousy but Lynn, CW, Jenny and others do a simple task that you are too arrogant to understand. They help people - a concept that you fail to grasp.

Criticism of literary efforts doesn't need to be limited to those second string writers like you who think - despite little reputation - that they are the successors to Shakespeare.

The basic rules apply and you deliberately mislead new creative writers by pretending none of the basic structure matters.

 

[sr71plt]

Oh, ouch, ouch, ouch.

So, do you want to compare sales figures with me on what works in erotica?

Or compare editorial credentials, for that matter.

Who do you edit for? PM me and we'll compare.

Short of that, you just continue to be blow/no go hot air.

 

[Auden James]

My advice + critique

Hey heather,

I want to be honest: the story is not a good story, it's not "wow" (not in the good sense of the word) and it's definitely nowhere near being "hot". Why do I write these harsh words? Well, simply because it's the truth. I really don't see any point in not giving honest feedback since this forum is opened for just that.

But with the ego lashing out of the way, I also want to put my two cents into the 'critique' of your story.

First of all, sr71plt's comment is quiet right, though his wording is somewhat mild, in fact, your story is just another poorly executed and generic take on the 'innocent but fortunately soon to be nymphoniac-turned big-breasted fuck doll ... thing'. Of course, there's an audience for, I say it as it is, crap like this, so for sure there'll be some pervs complimenting on your 'hot story'. Well, if you aim for that, though it's not my cup of tea, just do it.

But on a critical view, i.e. filled with some literary and aestethic demands, that's not what any writer should aim for.

You see, there exist enough stories like yours: The world doesn't need just one more story. That's why there's no need to publish something like what you've written here, not even on lit, as there are already enough stories like yours available here. (The hard part is to acknowledge it to oneself, I know.)

Furthermore I disagree with sr71plt's conclusion that there would be a story hidden that you could work on and eventually improve. I don't see that. In fact, I don't see anything to work on and that's why I think you're in need of someone telling you this (that's also why I think it'd be pointless to try to 'improve' it, you know, cut glass stays cheap glass and does not turn into diamonds). The best would be to shelve it as your first attempt at (porn) writing and leave it there. Later you'll probably laugh about it as everybody does about his first writing attempts, me included -- God, I'd still blush showing it to anyone!

But how to escape this dilemma? Well, it's actually quiet simple (at least the beginning): read, read, read -- preferably 'good written' stories (later you're also be able to learn from bad written stories but therefore you first need to able to identify it as such). There are enough of them here on lit, so you'll don't have to spend money on books or things alike. You could also attempt some Creative Writing Class as I don't think, you're naturally gifted with intuition or knowlegde of the basics of writing (which to explain here, apart from the fact that I'm not a published author, would take too much space). Then read more. And write again and again. It's all practice. And don't forget to reflect about what you write by yourself. It's not helpful to only rely on the judgement of others since you need to develop a sense, some kind of an inner editor that enables you to differentiate between more good and less good passages of what you've written.

After all that's the only way to get a feeling of what's good and what's not, a feeling of the greater picture of literature in itself, which you're utterly missing at the moment. And, sorry to say, if you don't get this 'feeling' then you'll probably never be writing any great stories, not even in lit-terms (I don't speak of becoming a 2nd Shakespeare that would be insulting), but you know: not everyone is born to write. Don't see it as such a big loss if you don't grasp it, as you'll probalbly not missing out much money and besides you can spend the lonely hours you'd have wrote some crappy pieces instead with more social acitivies, simply having more fun.

That's my advice for you. And, honestly, it's the best advice anyone can give you: writing isnt' all, there's so much more*.

greets
AJ


(* Sorry to further discourage you, but this sentence is some kind of a test: it does only apply to those you aren't 'born to write' as I use to say. If you agree with the statement above, then you're not one of the one's who cannot help it, the one's who share a lonesome passion, the one's who simply have to (and also must and need to, the triad of motive) write! They don't write because they want fame, or want to become rich, or want to have something to brag about, or want to achieve a red H's with every piece on lit, or ... -- they only want to be able to write. Quiet simple, isn't it?)