New Story.

[Guest]

Hello all I have a new story up, and it is nothing like my last one. I was wondering if I could get feedback on it and see where I can improve for the next time I publish a story.

The link is here: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=457590

 

[Guest]

Well, it looks like I got my answer.
I got 6000+ views in the first 12 hours and a steadily dropping vote of 4.5 to 2.93

Tells me people aren't enjoying it or clicking 'back' instead of finishing it.

At least I got a positive comment. My first, really.

 

[JackLuis]

Hey Sgt.

I read the story and about half way down the page (~ 2,000 words?) I got bored with it. Not that 3 lookers with big tits bored me, I was dealing with my own angst over my own story.

I came back and finished it and think that it is a good story. I gave it a four.

That is to say that the first chapter is Okay. One thing though, when the girls get her to agree to "buy" the boots it isn't clear what they are asking her to do. Or, did I miss that part in my skimming?

I don't know if you 'soft pedaled" that to add mystery or ...? If the act they were asking for had been more precisely described, it would have been better. That would have set the hook and I would have read past the point I did, the first time.

Happy NY.

 

[driphoney]

Sorry, Sgt. Too many girls, not enough men. This is a guy's fantasy. When you write a m/f type story of any kind (sans lw,) pm me and I'll read it front to back, comment and vote.

Besides, last time I gave comment, the writer was highly upset.

 

[Guest]

Hey Sgt.

I read the story and about half way down the page (~ 2,000 words?) I got bored with it. Not that 3 lookers with big tits bored me, I was dealing with my own angst over my own story.

I came back and finished it and think that it is a good story. I gave it a four.

That is to say that the first chapter is Okay. One thing though, when the girls get her to agree to "buy" the boots it isn't clear what they are asking her to do. Or, did I miss that part in my skimming?

I don't know if you 'soft pedaled" that to add mystery or ...? If the act they were asking for had been more precisely described, it would have been better. That would have set the hook and I would have read past the point I did, the first time.

Happy NY.

JackLuis: I think you missed that part in your skimming. I did cut the story down considerably though, so maybe I wasn't clear enough. I'll go through and reread it myself now too. Thank you for a four. I'll take any vote I can get to let me know where I stand.

Sorry, Sgt. Too many girls, not enough men. This is a guy's fantasy. When you write a m/f type story of any kind (sans lw,) pm me and I'll read it front to back, comment and vote.

Besides, last time I gave comment, the writer was highly upset.

DH: thank you anyway. I appreciate the fact that you went through and read it. And no worries, I will never post in LW. I started a plain 'ol vanilla man and woman short last night on 24 hour duty. When it is done, I will let you know.

Thank you both for reading.

~Paul

ETA: damn typos

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

This is the problem, Sgt. the first paragraph if flat, fucking boring to anyone except a very small percentage of women who would even look at those boots. Second you drivel on with another 6 or 7 paragraphs of boring discription, then at p paragraph eleven or soemthing your character actually says something, but she reads either like a complet idiot or a drunk.

NEVER llaunch your story with discription - BACK CLICK. Launch your story by jumping into the plot. Maybe hat's your problem here - Way too much discription and not enough plot to hold an interst.

 

[Guest]

This is the problem, Sgt. the first paragraph if flat, fucking boring to anyone except a very small percentage of women who would even look at those boots. Second you drivel on with another 6 or 7 paragraphs of boring discription, then at p paragraph eleven or soemthing your character actually says something, but she reads either like a complet idiot or a drunk.

NEVER llaunch your story with discription - BACK CLICK. Launch your story by jumping into the plot. Maybe hat's your problem here - Way too much discription and not enough plot to hold an interst.

I appreciate the comments. These are things I need to know to get better. It was a bit if a tossup.

I knew I was long on description in the first draft and I condensed it to explain a lot of stuff with a flashback. I thought I pulled it off okay. Apparently I did not. I'm going to try and keep it simpler next time.

Also, I knew that the boots were kind of a niche thing. I took a risk there. I actually cut a lot of dialogue out in the interest of shortening it. Bad call, I guess.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Sgt, this is the example I always give to new writers and the one I always keep in mind.

Which is more interesting...

Gwendolyn had long blonde hair down to the middle of her back, 42DD tits, bright blue eyes and an ass that she knew would stop the bus.

Or...

Gwendolyn pushed the hair away from her face and, with a wiggle of her tits and ass waved to stop the bus.

The second has a lot less infor, but does the same thing. The reader has a mind and his/her own fantasies. Let them fill in the blanks. That draws them into your story and makes them (in a way) apart of the story.

You'll catch on. Just remember, people who read a lot, write well. So read and see how the other people are doing it.

 

[Guest]

You'll catch on. Just remember, people who read a lot, write well. So read and see how the other people are doing it.

Thank you. . I will take any help I can get.

 

[Rubyswallows]

You so channeled Carrie Bradshaw

Hello all I have a new story up, and it is nothing like my last one. I was wondering if I could get feedback on it and see where I can improve for the next time I publish a story.

The link is here: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=457590

You can write arousing fantasies, but I didn't like Claire. So the story was half-successful for me. (I wrote a more detailed explanation at the end of the story).

 

[CopperSkink]

Extreme Skink! EXTREME!

 

[Guest]

Thank you Copper and Ruby. I appreciate the feedback. I honestly do. I was thinking the story was a flop completely, but I see that I am doing something right (a little) You two made a bad day better.

~Paul