Women wanted

[JackLuis]

I just put up a three chapter story and all three chapters are up.

I'd like some women's feedback on how I did as a man writing a woman?

Is Karen too masculine?
Is Gwen too 'avid' to be believable?

I never tried this before and it's scary.

"Sexual Therapy"

Does it light you fire, make you laugh, cry, Puke?

 

[Guest]

Women Wanted

Sorry. the thread title made me go 'Me TOO!'

...

Then I read the request.

...

Dammit JackLuis. You tricked me.

 

[driphoney]

I only managed the first page, deranged feces-smelling primary characters (or at least those given so much room in the beginning of a story) do not appeal to me. How did Marsha all of sudden get tispy? Why? I was confused. I was also confused and had to re-read it 3 times the section saying that Mr. Kitrich was down the hall and she was going to have to visit Mr. Kitrich the next day. Never figured it out until I got to where it was obvious from the driver/guard's convo that the father was the one that needed visiting.

You have a serious formatting issue on the second Lit page which you need to fix. Every line of every paragraph is centered.

Karen seemed female enough on the first page. I never made it to Gwen.

Don't know if that helped much.

 

[JackLuis]

I only managed the first page, deranged feces-smelling primary characters (or at least those given so much room in the beginning of a story) do not appeal to me. How did Marsha all of sudden get tispy? Why? I was confused. I was also confused and had to re-read it 3 times the section saying that Mr. Kitrich was down the hall and she was going to have to visit Mr. Kitrich the next day. Never figured it out until I got to where it was obvious from the driver/guard's convo that the father was the one that needed visiting.

You have a serious formatting issue on the second Lit page which you need to fix. Every line of every paragraph is centered.

Karen seemed female enough on the first page. I never made it to Gwen.

Don't know if that helped much.

driphoney:
Thanks for the feedback. There are two Mr. Kitricks. Sr. and Jr. It seemed straight to me. Don't know about the formatting prob. I saw it but don't know why?

Oh shit, Derrick is just a supporting character Vile and nasty, but he fades early. I guess I messed that up. Poop.

I made a mistake, I guess in the sequence of introduction.

If you didn't make it to where Gwen shows up, then I've failed.

Anyway thanks.

 

[Caribbeanwoman]

Feedback re Women Wanted

Sorry guy

The feces thing just turned me off for an erotic story, then to page 2 and yo-yoing between bi-guys, pretense of brother, etc. I got bored and gave up.

In response to your query on whether it could be a female writing, I guess, voice seemed neutral enough to be female.

 

[JackLuis]

Sorry guy

The feces thing just turned me off for an erotic story, then to page 2 and yo-yoing between bi-guys, pretense of brother, etc. I got bored and gave up.

In response to your query on whether it could be a female writing, I guess, voice seemed neutral enough to be female.

Too descriptive hunh?

Thanks for your input though.

 

[JackLuis]

To those of you who happen on to this thread. The character the women find objectionable is not, NOT a major part of the story. Derrick is an example of how someone can be crazy about sex, you know, in a Crazy way.

All the characters in the story are a little screwy but most of them in a good way.

I guess I should rewrite Derrick, give him a more acceptable complex, make him a poor confused boy who ... No, He's a sick dick, but maybe I can make him less vile.

The MC, Karen, is what I'm interested in. I wanted to know if she comes across as a sympathetic character.

Writing a woman is hard. I'd like to know if she seems believable?

 

[Verdad]

Hi, JL,

I wasn't put off by Derrick—that is, I was put off by him, but he didn't put me off the story. Up to almost the end of the interview with him, the story held my attention. The promise of a mysterious patient, the revealing of his unexpected and over-the-top condition, that worked well for me. Some details could be polished, and Honey is right about two Mr. Kitriches—that confused me as well. As far as the overall concept goes, though, I figured after throwing something as bold as that at the reader, you'd continue pulling us in with more unexpected developments.

According to the formula, Derrick would have been likable and only trivially screwy, and he and the Dr. would be shagging by the end of the session. Since that didn't happen, I was intrigued and wondered what kind of story you had up your sleeve. However, by the end of the interview, you got stuck and I gave up.

I forget who it was that said "enter the scene as late as possible and exit as early as possible", but it seems like you could benefit from that advice. You set a good tension by introducing Derrick, and in my opinion, once you've done that and had him and the Dr. go through the main points of the convo, you should have dropped the curtain and reopened at a new scene, with a next hook. Instead, you had the scene drag on indefinitely, and somewhere in that the story seemed to lose focus, and with it, this reader.

As to your main question, Karen seems quite believable so far. Hope some of this helps!

Best of luck,
Verdad

 

[JackLuis]

Hi, JL,

I wasn't put off by Derrick—that is, I was put off by him, but he didn't put me off the story. Up to almost the end of the interview with him, the story held my attention. The promise of a mysterious patient, the revealing of his unexpected and over-the-top condition, that worked well for me. Some details could be polished, and Honey is right about two Mr. Kitriches—that confused me as well. As far as the overall concept goes, though, I figured after throwing something as bold as that at the reader, you'd continue pulling us in with more unexpected developments.

According to the formula, Derrick would have been likable and only trivially screwy, and he and the Dr. would be shagging by the end of the session. Since that didn't happen, I was intrigued and wondered what kind of story you had up your sleeve. However, by the end of the interview, you got stuck and I gave up.

I forget who it was that said "enter the scene as late as possible and exit as early as possible", but it seems like you could benefit from that advice. You set a good tension by introducing Derrick, and in my opinion, once you've done that and had him and the Dr. go through the main points of the convo, you should have dropped the curtain and reopened at a new scene, with a next hook. Instead, you had the scene drag on indefinitely, and somewhere in that the story seemed to lose focus, and with it, this reader.

As to your main question, Karen seems quite believable so far. Hope some of this helps!

Best of luck,
Verdad

Thanks Verdad:
This was the start of a much longer story and I cut it off so as not to drag a "shagging dog" out too long. I guess introducing Derrick so early gives the idea that he is going to be a major character, When it is Albert that becomes an MC, although his is a bit part at that point. Yet setting Albert up doesn't seem to be working because Derrick gets in the way?

Hummm.

Thanks for the help V.
Jack

 

[JackLuis]

Well so much for women helping me. My thanks to the three that did.

I was worried that the story wouldn't get read, but over 9,000 read the first chapter and the other two a little over 4,000. Combined score is barely over 4.0 so I'm moderately happy. Not one comment.

Still I have the question for those who read the whole thing, are the women believable? Did the Pirate scene work?

I guess I'll never know and will have to conclude that my women are only 80%.

 

[starscape]

I meant to reply to this a couple of days ago, but real life got me sidetracked...

Like Verdad, the segment with Derrick didn't put me off the story, though I might have changed my mind if his exploits had become central to the story (if it were presented in an erotic context). Actually, I found him, disgusting as he was, to be the most interesting character.

I really didn't like your protagonist or her colleague. Were they "womanly" enough? They came across to me as exploitative and predatory, and since there are women like that in the world, then yes. Still, something about their behavior didn't ring true for me. On the other hand, I found the way they took advantage of their patients (and did so so cavalierly) pretty distasteful, and that it made it difficult to care about what would happen to them. So it could just be an inability to identify with your protagonist(s) on my part.

I stopped reading near the end of the second page when I realized I didn't care enough about what would happen next to justify reading further. I already didn't like the female characters. The only male character who exhibited any complexity was, as you noted, a one-off to give the reader an idea of the kind of fucked-up people this shrink would be working with. But the story seemed to drop that idea (which I found intriguing and original) in favor of something more "typical", and, to me, less interesting.

Anyway, for what it's worth, here's another woman's opinion for ya.

 

[Rubyswallows]

You definitely have a better "female" voice than other male authors I've read here on Literotica.

One thing bugged me right away -

A group of females talking or gossiping together would never be referenced to as womanly by another woman. Obviously it's womanly ... there's no need to say it. By the mere fact of saying "womanly" leads me to believe the narrator isn't a she (just like reading a man described as having "manly hands" would lead me to believe the narrator is female).

Of course, I'm speaking for myself, but I don't tend to think of myself in gendered terms unless comparing the sexes.

 

[JackLuis]

Thank you ladies for the comments.

Yes, the Dr.s are "not nice" but I tended to gloss over that in my own mind. I will have to rewrite the first Chapter.

I forgot/overlooked the readers reaction to Karen and Marsha in my zeal to conclude the introductions. I confess stupidity and will use this information to temper "Charlotte" who is the main squeeze of my MC in "Spreading Seeds".

Charlotte is harder to write because she is from a different culture and trying to define the culture is always a problem in SF/Future stuff. I need her to be loving but with her own agenda and somehow just slightly subversive to the other power structures in the story, including the MC's.

I wonder if anybody got to the Pirate scene? It looks like Chapter 2 is doing a lot better than 1 or 3.

Writing women is difficult because they think differently than men, of course I don't know if that is urban legend or not. I think it may be a reasonable "sweeping generalization."

 

[Tonguemeister]

Sorry ... I know you're looking for comments from women - but I started reading, and have to say that it's simply not my cup of tea either - as a dominant male that is!

 

[JackLuis]

Thanks Tonguemeister.

I hang my head in shame.

I'm no better than a third rate Hack it seems. Poop!