Take the above post wayyyyy too seriously

[drewxcore]

Simple.

I will post a far-out statement, whoever posts after me must take it overly seriously, and post something of their own.

Got that?

Good.

I smoked a kitten last night

 

[Tio_Narratore]

They really need about 48 hours to become properly smoked, though. I find that adding some mesquite to the oak gives them a more earthy flavour, and I've even heard of some connoiseurs who soak them in brandy before smoking them.

I started off the new year with an orgy in an aluminum weather balloon.

 

[oggbashan]

I started off the new year with an orgy in an aluminum weather balloon.

I'd have real safety issues with an orgy in an aluminium (The British spelling) weather balloon. I mean, how can you have a real orgy without smoking some weed? And aluminium can catch fire, so having a spliff could be life-threatening, you know?

And then there's the shape of the balloon. How can you have a proper orgy if all the participants keep sliding to the pointed base? You might have a pleasant ride on naked bodies if you are at the top of the heap, but those at the bottom will be squashed under sweaty flesh. Eugh!

Where do you put the beer? If you put a drink down it would fall over, so the pile of bodies, apart from being sweaty, would be drenched in beer...

There are better places to have orgies.

***

Yesterday we went for a New Year's Day Swim, stark naked. The water temperature was 3 C so we didn't stay in the water long, just long enough for a quickie...

Og

 

[drewxcore]

You went in the water naked at that tmperature!?

What the FUCK is wrong with you !?

One of your nipples could've taken a fish's eye out!

You heartless fool!

I just stole a library book.

 

[Guest]

I just stole a library book.

You heartless bastard. Some child is never going to be able to read now because you took that opportunity from her. You are a horrible, horrible person and I hope that you fry a miserable smoking kitten death in an aluminium weather balloon.

I smuggle pop-tarts in my boxers.

 

[michchick98]

You heartless bastard. Some child is never going to be able to read now because you took that opportunity from her. You are a horrible, horrible person and I hope that you fry a miserable smoking kitten death in an aluminium weather balloon.

I smuggle pop-tarts in my boxers.

Didn't you hear that pop-tarts may contain radioactive ingredients? What the hell were you thinking? You know what radiation can do to a person...*ahem*

----

I stood up and sang the theme song to "Beaches" at a showing of the movie 2012.

 

[Liar]

I stood up and sang the theme song to "Beaches" at a showing of the movie 2012.

Your civil courage is humbling and an inspiration to us all.

...


I think I'm gonna go out and masturbate in the snow now.

 

[BlackShanglan]

Your civil courage is humbling and an inspiration to us all.

...


I think I'm gonna go out and masturbate in the snow now.

Ah, that's a beautiful image, Liar. It puts me to mind of a passage in D'Canard's Ouvre le Fenetre pour Deface la Neige in which he alludes to Derrida's theory of the trascendental signified through the patterns of urine on the Alsace ice crust. Wonderful homage to Dante's allegorical architecture.

But enough reminiscing. I must be off - it's time to go oil the ostrich.

 

[oggbashan]

... I must be off - it's time to go oil the ostrich.

Oiling the ostrich?

What are you thinking of? Don't you realise that oiling the ostrich's feathers will stop them being waterproof!

Next time the ostrich takes to the water in a beautiful swan-like dive it will sink to the bottom before flapping in a most inelegant manner to regain the shore.

Leave your ostrich un-oiled and watch it glide like a swan.



I'm about to install my wave generator at low tide. If it works, it will generate beautiful music when the tide ebbs and flows.

Og

 

[lance gt]

Oiling the ostrich?

What are you thinking of? Don't you realise that oiling the ostrich's feathers will stop them being waterproof!

Next time the ostrich takes to the water in a beautiful swan-like dive it will sink to the bottom before flapping in a most inelegant manner to regain the shore.

Leave your ostrich un-oiled and watch it glide like a swan.



I'm about to install my wave generator at low tide. If it works, it will generate beautiful music when the tide ebbs and flows.

Og

But really, what kind of music are you going to get out of a bathtub, Og? And farting in the tub, doesn't constitute it as being a wave generator.

I have to paint over the Sistine Chapel ceiling, Some gang-banger went in and painted graffiti all over the ceiling.

 

[CharleyH]

But really, what kind of music are you going to get out of a bathtub, Og? And farting in the tub, doesn't constitute it as being a wave generator.

I have to paint over the Sistine Chapel ceiling, Some gang-banger went in and painted graffiti all over the ceiling.

There is a genre of BATHTUB MUSIC, if you didn't know. I think it's American (as most dumb-ass things are). As for farting, I think only English-speaking people are so uncivilized as to giggle constantly at gas. As for the Sistine Chapel, it's hardly a work of art. Jack Black ... now he is a work!

 

[lance gt]

There is a genre of BATHTUB MUSIC, if you didn't know. I think it's American (as most dumb-ass things are). As for farting, I think only English-speaking people are so uncivilized as to giggle constantly at gas. As for the Sistine Chapel, it's hardly a work of art. Jack Black ... now he is a work!

Slide back to the start of the thread Charley, this is all spoof.

 

[CharleyH]

Slide back to the start of the thread Charley, this is all spoof.

DUH! I nominate you for the DUNCE of the year.

 

[lance gt]

DUH! I nominate you for the DUNCE of the year.

I can't take your place Charley, you've held it for so long. Where is your exaggerated statement?

 

[glynndah]

There is a genre of BATHTUB MUSIC, if you didn't know. I think it's American (as most dumb-ass things are). As for farting, I think only English-speaking people are so uncivilized as to giggle constantly at gas. As for the Sistine Chapel, it's hardly a work of art. Jack Black ... now he is a work!

Jack Black? Oh, yes. I hear the academy has his lifetime achievement Oscar ready for this year's ceremony.

Literotica's been hired to script the festivities.

 

[CharleyH]

Jack Black? Oh, yes. I hear the academy has his lifetime achievement Oscar ready for this year's ceremony.

Literotica's been hired to script the festivities.

Mwah!

 

[Handley_Page]

Jack Black? Oh, yes. I hear the academy has his lifetime achievement Oscar ready for this year's ceremony.

Literotica's been hired to script the festivities.

Yes. Reports are coming in showing that all Lit Authors are forming a "Committee" to raise awareness of the plight of Erotic Authors, starving in their garrets. The Committee will be augmented by representatives from the World Wildlife Fund, the Pets organisation (like the RSPCA), the various Churches and some guy from politics called Bill Clinton. The script is due in about 5 years.


I went shooting Elephants in the local Park this afternoon.

 

[jomar]

I went shooting Elephants in the local Park this afternoon.

Again, squirrels are NOT elephants. And throwing rocks is NOT shooting. How many times must we go through this. Besides, you annoy the pigeons when you throw stones.

Enough of this silliness. I have more important things to do. I have to break in a snuffleupagus so I can ride him in the sky parade.

 

[TE999]

Again, squirrels are NOT elephants. And throwing rocks is NOT shooting. How many times must we go through this. Besides, you annoy the pigeons when you throw stones.

Enough of this silliness. I have more important things to do. I have to break in a snuffleupagus so I can ride him in the sky parade.

Ride a snuffleupagus in a parade? Have you taken leave of your senses? You evidently don't realize that those creatures are notoriously incontinent and the stench of it's dung can knock a buzzard off a shit wagon. It also farts like a Gatling gun, thus adding a gaseous problem. Find a nice rhinoceros instead.

Now I must be about giving a buzz cut to the wolverines.

 

[Guest]

Buzz cut? Wolverines? good God, have you not read the latest issue of Style? They'll get laughed out of their den and move in with you. Do you really want to put your family through that? Stick them with four or five unwanted guests because you're a poor stylist who doesn't keep with the trends? That is not only selfish, but unwarranted.

Now, I am off to go make Kiwi and Grape Jelly omelets for my coworkers.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

What hubris! Exposing your coworkers to the dangerous acidulousness of actinidia, amplified by the calorized must of grape skins! Or do you see them all as competitors, and this as an opportunity to eliminate potential rivals for raises and promotion?

Enough of this; it's time to look at my class enrolment lists and assign final grades before classes begin.

 

[TE999]

What hubris! Exposing your coworkers to the dangerous acidulousness of actinidia, amplified by the calorized must of grape skins! Or do you see them all as competitors, and this as an opportunity to eliminate potential rivals for raises and promotion?

Enough of this; it's time to look at my class enrolment lists and assign final grades before classes begin.

Assigning grades so readily? Perish the thought. Haven't you read the Uni faculty manual entitled 'Grades: Using Them For Your Benefit'? You must first meet with your class, then choose the most attractive Men or Women (or both depending on your proclivities) and counsel them individually as to how they may earn a high grade assisting you on nights and weekends in your flat.

Now I must join the other playing cards in painting the roses red.

 

[Katyusha]

Now I must join the other playing cards in painting the roses red.

Painting flowers is a good way to kill them. They need to be able to breathe, just like every other living thing. So if I were you, and I didn't want to kill my entire rose garden, I'd leave the roses the way they are. Otherwise you'll be spending an awful lot of time and money replacing them.

Time for me to crawl under the bed and curl up around the kittens.

 

[Handley_Page]

Assigning grades so readily? Perish the thought. Haven't you read the Uni faculty manual entitled 'Grades: Using Them For Your Benefit'? You must first meet with your class, then choose the most attractive Men or Women (or both depending on your proclivities) and counsel them individually as to how they may earn a high grade assisting you on nights and weekends in your flat.

Now I must join the other playing cards in painting the roses red.

Red? RED ?? Have you not seen the latest broadsheet on painting ?
My good god, lad, you'll have us all minus our heads if you are not careful. The paint is now called "Rouge" and it is to be applied gently using a No14 steel brush. Now get bloody on with it!

And now I have to speak to the Duty Executioner. He's not registered his latest cleaning or sharpening his axe.

 

[Katyusha]

Red? RED ?? Have you not seen the latest broadsheet on painting ?
My good god, lad, you'll have us all minus our heads if you are not careful. The paint is now called "Rouge" and it is to be applied gently using a No14 steel brush. Now get bloody on with it!

And now I have to speak to the Duty Executioner. He's not registered his latest cleaning or sharpening his axe.

Are you sure that's all he hasn't registered? It sounds to me like you don't make sure accurate records are kept, which means you don't actually know how many heads are in the incinerator and how many are still rolling around on the floor. And how much blood gets on those axes? Do you even know the answer to that? Record-keeping 101, I can't believe you don't know this. And on the off-chance you do, I can't believe you don't make sure all your executioners keep their records up-to-date.

I'm hungry now. Think I'll go eat a coaster.