What's your take on forgiveness, kindness and such other crap?

[newinmke]

Serious thoughts welcome, smartass/funny comments welcome as well...

So, having been through conflicts both in personal and professional life, I think being calm, collected and forgiving is the best way to go. This way, your detractors can't attack you, since they are expecting a harsh reaction, but only get a kind smile. This, in a way, makes you stronger, and your kindness softens people and they are confused.

Don't confuse this with being a doormat where you will do whatever the other person says. You are still assertive, just not aggressive.

Any thoughts on how people handle aggressive behavior or others, especially when someone tries to hurt you (an ex GF/BF)? Do you try to be kind to them back?

 

[DeeZire]

... Do you try to be kind to them back?

Civil might be a better word - if it was an unamicable split.

As part of our stage patter in a local band I perform with, the leader asks each member "so, what did you do last night?"

My reply: "I was pleading the fifth. Pleading the fifth means you drink a fifth of bourbon, call your ex-girlfriends, and plead with them to let you come over 'just to talk'". It's always good for a laugh. Little do they know how close to the truth it really is.

On the other hand, I can hold a grudge longer than anyone I know. But civility always wins out. I mean, I was raised in California in the 60's. Now, if I had been raised in Texas, it would be a whole different story.

 

[Katyusha]

Any thoughts on how people handle aggressive behavior or others, especially when someone tries to hurt you (an ex GF/BF)? Do you try to be kind to them back?

I always thought taking the high road was the best thing to do. I find it either makes them go away or softens their general opinion of me. Distribution likes to get upset when our manager picks a bad time to send us down there and they get short and snippy, and after we're finished getting whatever we need to get I flash a (not sarcastic) bright smile and wave and say thank you. Actually, I do that all the time whether they're snippy with us or not. The guys think I'm weird but I tend to get treated a lot better than they do down there.

When it comes to exes, I'll be civil at worst, but usually polite and kind and friendly no matter what they try and do. If I want them to go away, that usually does it because it shows them that I'm above doing whatever they did to me, and that I won't intentionally hurt someone no matter how badly they've hurt me.

 

[newinmke]

I always thought taking the high road was the best thing to do. I find it either makes them go away or softens their general opinion of me. Distribution likes to get upset when our manager picks a bad time to send us down there and they get short and snippy, and after we're finished getting whatever we need to get I flash a (not sarcastic) bright smile and wave and say thank you. Actually, I do that all the time whether they're snippy with us or not. The guys think I'm weird but I tend to get treated a lot better than they do down there.

When it comes to exes, I'll be civil at worst, but usually polite and kind and friendly no matter what they try and do. If I want them to go away, that usually does it because it shows them that I'm above doing whatever they did to me, and that I won't intentionally hurt someone no matter how badly they've hurt me.

Love your answer - and adds to my feeling that this is exactly what is needed. I have also found that being kind is almost a weapon, because you are unperturbed by anger and hurt others hurl at you.

 

[cloudy]

As far as forgiveness goes, forgiveness is a gift to yourself, not to those you feel have wronged you.

 

[Dragonlipz]

Serious thoughts welcome, smartass/funny comments welcome as well...

Any thoughts on how people handle aggressive behavior or others, especially when someone tries to hurt you (an ex GF/BF)? Do you try to be kind to them back?

I agree that a measured, calm, and cool response is preferable but not always possible - like when the ex or their s/o tries to: maim/kill/assault you.....then ya gotta kick ass and take names.....

 

[oggbashan]

I have ex-fiancées and ex-girlfriends but am still with my only wife.

As far as the ex-whatevers are concerned, I prefer to remember that they were once an important part of my life and except for the ending the relationships were good.

I remember them with affection for what we shared and prefer to try to forget any bitterness at the end - but they remain ex-whatevers.

Og

 

[vrosej10]

Serious thoughts welcome, smartass/funny comments welcome as well...

So, having been through conflicts both in personal and professional life, I think being calm, collected and forgiving is the best way to go. This way, your detractors can't attack you, since they are expecting a harsh reaction, but only get a kind smile. This, in a way, makes you stronger, and your kindness softens people and they are confused.

Don't confuse this with being a doormat where you will do whatever the other person says. You are still assertive, just not aggressive.

Any thoughts on how people handle aggressive behavior or others, especially when someone tries to hurt you (an ex GF/BF)? Do you try to be kind to them back?

I am kind but assertive. I know my boundaries and I defend them. There is no point being rude to people. It doesn't solve anything and tends to escalate things. Unless your intent is drama, losing your temper won't help -- up to a point. The only situation I have found getting monterously pissed of helps, is those involving the infernal telephone help lines. And then only when every rational path has been explored.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

My attitude about forgiveness is maybe different from most.

Forgiveness is a transaction between victim and villain. That is, the villain isnt owed forgivess until he owns the transgression publicly, does penance to repair the injury, and feels remorse for what he did. Then (and only then) is the victim obligated to forgive and let the anger, etc. go. Otherwise the victim is a fool and a chump.

 

[vrosej10]

My attitude about forgiveness is maybe different from most.

Forgiveness is a transaction between victim and villain. That is, the villain isnt owed forgivess until he owns the transgression publicly, does penance to repair the injury, and feels remorse for what he did. Then (and only then) is the victim obligated to forgive and let the anger, etc. go. Otherwise the victim is a fool and a chump.

For me, only a high level of transgression requires forgiveness. I let most shit go and don't think of myself as a victim, but if you have got to that point, the point of me needing to forgive you over something, you better be fucking ready to show remorse or I'll tend to hold a grudge till the end of time. I forgave my ex for leaving me for my father because he showed regret. My father never did and that old fucker can rot in hell or wherever he is right now. I am hoping it's not nice.

 

[VeritasMaximus]

I have no set reaction to anything, whether it be aggression or anything else. I react as the situation warrants.

 

[cherrybl0ss0m]

Their is always a fine line, immediate family is usually easily to let slide, but friends and your partner could be easily rubbed the wrong, there is a time to forgive yourself and others, there is a time to stand your ground, but remembering being true to yourself is what counts, no1 which is you always comes first, in otherwise, don't take any other necessary nonesense if its not good for you.

 

[newinmke]

Great answers - I am also amazed by how much was achieved by kindness and peace (MLK, Gandhi, Mandela). If those things would change and transform nations, they ought to transform people as well.

 

[Recidiva]

I don't think my choice has so much to do with the idea that I must always come out ahead in a social interaction.

My strategy is about trying to achieve the best outcome and the most probability to avoid harming a good person when I meet them.

To give people the benefit of the doubt until they've essentially proven they can't be trusted. I'll take the first hit freely and as a strategic choice. Then if necessary, avoid that person in the future. Not blame them or "make them pay" for hurting me. When I choose to be hurt on purpose as a bit of a life choice, it's not their fault, I don't blame them, I put myself out there on purpose with that possibility in mind.

But you'll never have good friends or good company if you wander about smacking everyone and everything and proving how right you are all the time. Giving other people the opportunity and space to be right and kind and generous means there's room for those things in my life. If I treat them like myths...they are. I'll never see them.

I try to be kind and forgiving because I think it's the only way that love, forgiveness and all those things I think life worth living, can thrive.

 

[_Lynn_]

As far as forgiveness goes, forgiveness is a gift to yourself, not to those you feel have wronged you.

Agreed.

 

[newinmke]

Agreed.

Double agreed - it is such a great feeling when you forgive someone. I used to harbor a lot of revenge thoughts, but that only led to playing games, and a lot of heartburn!

 

[_Lynn_]

Double agreed - it is such a great feeling when you forgive someone. I used to harbor a lot of revenge thoughts, but that only led to playing games, and a lot of heartburn!

I am a stronger and better person for letting go of the anger, resentment, and even hate toward those who wronged me.

 

[Boota]

I never forgive and I never forget. That's not to say I stew over everything and hold deep grudges, but if someone does something to me that would require an apology they shouldn't bother because they won't get forgiveness. There are billions of people in this world, writing a few off because they've earned it with their behavior is no big deal.

Now, if someone does something to me that is so bad that I can't just write them off and be done with it, that is a different story. There is no length too far to go for revenge and I will not rest until I get it. My version of revenge is that if a man sticks me with a needle I will run him through with a spear. It won't necessarily be something violent, but it will be extreme and much worse than what was done to me in the first place. I am a very bad enemy to make.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

For me, only a high level of transgression requires forgiveness. I let most shit go and don't think of myself as a victim, but if you have got to that point, the point of me needing to forgive you over something, you better be fucking ready to show remorse or I'll tend to hold a grudge till the end of time. I forgave my ex for leaving me for my father because he showed regret. My father never did and that old fucker can rot in hell or wherever he is right now. I am hoping it's not nice.

As I understand the concept of forgiveness, forgiveness restores the situation to how it was before the transgression happened.

So if a drunk kills your family or a friend steals your spouse, or someone's lies send you to prison, how do you forgive the deed? Youre not obligated to be angry forever, but youre daft if you forget.

 

[_Lynn_]

As I understand the concept of forgiveness, forgiveness restores the situation to how it was before the transgression happened.

So if a drunk kills your family or a friend steals your spouse, or someone's lies send you to prison, how do you forgive the deed? Youre not obligated to be angry forever, but youre daft if you forget.

For me, there are parts of my childhood that I will never forget. Not good things either. For years I held my anger inside, until it began to eat away the good I had in me. Never have I condoned what happened by forgiving those involved. But I let go of all the anger and hate.

Maybe forgiveness isn't quite the right word for it. Holding on to the anger gave them power over me. Forgiving, letting go, moving on, gives the power to me.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

ML

Yes, youre not obligated to stay angry and hurting. I broke my toe on a log the other day; my pain and anger went away after a few days, it happens. But I havent forgotten what that log did to me. They'll get you every time if you arent careful. And people are the same way. Until they make things right, you gotta be wary of them.

 

[_Lynn_]

ML

Yes, youre not obligated to stay angry and hurting. I broke my toe on a log the other day; my pain and anger went away after a few days, it happens. But I havent forgotten what that log did to me. They'll get you every time if you arent careful. And people are the same way. Until they make things right, you gotta be wary of them.

Or until they die without making it right.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

ML

Sometimes the memory goes on and on and echoes thru time.

 

[newinmke]

ML

Yes, youre not obligated to stay angry and hurting. I broke my toe on a log the other day; my pain and anger went away after a few days, it happens. But I havent forgotten what that log did to me. They'll get you every time if you arent careful. And people are the same way. Until they make things right, you gotta be wary of them.

Actually, you don't have to forget - but don't remember it as something vile, because the bad feelings towards the perpetrator will come back. It is something that happened, lessons learnt, move on, forgive. Forgiveness to me comes even without asking - it is as if saying - I am not hurt by what you did, or I have forgotten the hurt. If the perpetrator was not moved by this, then he/she is just heartless, and I hope they will come to their senses before they hurt more people.

Then, there is the act of kindness. Sometimes they go together, and sometimes apart. I also think both acts, when witnessed, has profound impact on others, in making these actions spread. I remember seeing a picture of Pope John Paul II with his would-be assasin (Mehmet Ali Agca) in a prison. That picture, still inspires me to do good to people who intended harm to me. Same with a scene in Gandhi where Gandhi urges a man, whose kid has been killed by muslims, to adopt an orphan who is a muslim.

 

[_Lynn_]

ML

Sometimes the memory goes on and on and echoes thru time.

The memories will be there, sure. But they have no affect on me now other than as something that happened to a little girl years ago.