Byron's Five-Point Palm Exploding Save The Planet Plan

[Byron In Exile]

(The title is enhanced a bit for marketing purposes.)


It is my belief that the only way to save the planet is to subject it to strict planning by experts. This will require participation by all experts in the fields of meteorology, geology, climatology, and other related fields, who may have some contribution to make, however seemingly small, toward this great task.


Here's my five-point plan:

1. We send all the experts to the bottom of the ocean to see if there are any clues there which might be of use in saving the planet.

2. After realizing that the experts have been sent to the bottom of the ocean without having first been equipped with some sort of steel enclosure which would (a) have provided them air, and (b) have prevented them from being crushed by the tremendous pressures there, we make an announcement to the effect that more studies need to be made before we proceed.

3. State funeral for the experts.

4. An announcement that as a result of our studies, it has been decided that the planet is too big to fail, and a bailout will be arranged.

5. We dump $800 billion into the sea, and call it a day.


Some might balk at the cost of this plan. I say to them: if Wall Street is worth saving for this kind of cash, do you think the planet isn't? Others might mourn the loss of so many experts. But, once the planet is saved, there won't be any more need for them; and if the planet hadn't been saved, they'd have died anyway. Besides, I'm sure it's what they would have wanted, and there'll be a kickass memorial to their heroic sacrifice on behalf of the planet.

But we must act quickly. Failure to act quickly will have even more dire consequences in this case than in the cases of TARP I & II, Stimulus, Son of Stimulus, and Obamacare (so-called, even though Obama didn't really care what was in it). This isn't a question of a mere economic crisis, collapsing economies, and a return to the stone age. The planet itself could explode, implode, melt, freeze... Basically, anything catastrophically awful which one could imagine most likely will happen if we don't act RIGHT NOW! So please, for the sake of the planet, sign this petition. "Yes, you can!" And on the back, you'll find a certification that you're not an expert. Sign that too, and stay dry.

Experts may sign the petition, but are not allowed to sign the certification.

The planet thanks you for your support.

 

[butters]

I know I'm ill but the cool crazy logic of this frightens me.
it's nightmare time.

or maybe that was last night after Blade Runner and Solaris

 

[Ishmael]

I'd much prefer transporting them to the Sun where they could get to the root of the problem, but I have to admit that your idea is cheaper.

Ishmael

 

[butters]

I'd much prefer transporting them to the Sun where they could get to the root of the problem, but I have to admit that your idea is cheaper.

Ishmael

think of all the bread they could toast

 

[Byron In Exile]

I know I'm ill but the cool crazy logic of this frightens me.
it's nightmare time.

or maybe that was last night after Blade Runner and Solaris

Soderbergh or Tarkovsky?

 

[Batch]

I am poised or rather torn between the polls options.

 

[Byron In Exile]

I'd much prefer transporting them to the Sun where they could get to the root of the problem, but I have to admit that your idea is cheaper.

Hell, yes, it is! How much more expensive is a rocket that can take all those experts to the sun (especially when nothing of the sort has even been designed, yet) versus a big iron cage?

Also, if you tell experts they're being sent to the sun to do research, they're going to figure it out. They're experts, so they know the temperatures that metals melt at and how hot the sun is. You need to exploit their greatest weakness, which is their utter lack of common sense.

Tell them that they're going to explore the ocean floor, and they'll be so excited that they'll just assume you mean in a submarine or something. So then you tell them to get in the cage, in order to be transported to the submarine. Once in the cage, you inform them that the submarine is already on the ocean floor, instructions for gaining access are written on the hatch, and push the cage off the back of the ship. It's not being entirely honest, but it's close enough.

 

[Ishmael]

Hell, yes, it is! How much more expensive is a rocket that can take all those experts to the sun (especially when nothing of the sort has even been designed, yet) versus a big iron cage?

Also, if you tell experts they're being sent to the sun to do research, they're going to figure it out. They're experts, so they know the temperatures that metals melt at and how hot the sun is. You need to exploit their greatest weakness, which is their utter lack of common sense.

Tell them that they're going to explore the ocean floor, and they'll be so excited that they'll just assume you mean in a submarine or something. So then you tell them to get in the cage, in order to be transported to the submarine. Once in the cage, you inform them that the submarine is already on the ocean floor, instructions for gaining access are written on the hatch, and push the cage off the back of the ship. It's not being entirely honest, but it's close enough.

Too damn complicated. Just tell them that there's $53 billion in research grants up for grabs. They'll do anything you ask.

Ishmael

 

[butters]

Soderbergh or Tarkovsky?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ZGlJ4l0iZA

so that's Tarkovsky


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3vWid1xAYw
this is the earliest, 1968 - Nirenburg's. not seen this one before though it's dialogue-rich according to the gumpf

 

[Byron In Exile]

I am poised or rather torn between the polls options.

Pity-signature, then?

I only have two signatures so far and one of them is mine.

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

I voted...I like it and makes about as much sense as the bullshit I have heard from the gov't in the past year.

Get to it....

 

[Batch]

Pity-signature, then?

I only have two signatures so far and one of them is mine.

Gods forbid the only feelings be pity.

 

[Tungwagger]

I'd much prefer transporting them to the Sun where they could get to the root of the problem, but I have to admit that your idea is cheaper.

Ishmael

A cheap man pays twice....

 

[Byron In Exile]

Too damn complicated. Just tell them that there's $53 billion in research grants up for grabs. They'll do anything you ask.

My method is more scientific.

 

[Ishmael]

My method is more scientific.

Mine more closely resembles reality.

Ishmael

 

[thirty]

(The title is enhanced a bit for marketing purposes.)


It is my belief that the only way to save the planet is to subject it to strict planning by experts. This will require participation by all experts in the fields of meteorology, geology, climatology, and other related fields, who may have some contribution to make, however seemingly small, toward this great task.


Here's my five-point plan:

1. We send all the experts to the bottom of the ocean to see if there are any clues there which might be of use in saving the planet.

2. After realizing that the experts have been sent to the bottom of the ocean without having first been equipped with some sort of steel enclosure which would (a) have provided them air, and (b) have prevented them from being crushed by the tremendous pressures there, we make an announcement to the effect that more studies need to be made before we proceed.

3. State funeral for the experts.

4. An announcement that as a result of our studies, it has been decided that the planet is too big to fail, and a bailout will be arranged.

5. We dump $800 billion into the sea, and call it a day.


Some might balk at the cost of this plan. I say to them: if Wall Street is worth saving for this kind of cash, do you think the planet isn't? Others might mourn the loss of so many experts. But, once the planet is saved, there won't be any more need for them; and if the planet hadn't been saved, they'd have died anyway. Besides, I'm sure it's what they would have wanted, and there'll be a kickass memorial to their heroic sacrifice on behalf of the planet.

But we must act quickly. Failure to act quickly will have even more dire consequences in this case than in the cases of TARP I & II, Stimulus, Son of Stimulus, and Obamacare (so-called, even though Obama didn't really care what was in it). This isn't a question of a mere economic crisis, collapsing economies, and a return to the stone age. The planet itself could explode, implode, melt, freeze... Basically, anything catastrophically awful which one could imagine most likely will happen if we don't act RIGHT NOW! So please, for the sake of the planet, sign this petition. "Yes, you can!" And on the back, you'll find a certification that you're not an expert. Sign that too, and stay dry.

Experts may sign the petition, but are not allowed to sign the certification.

The planet thanks you for your support.

I approve it on behalf of Chinese people.


Personally, how much will you pay for the plan?

 

[Byron In Exile]

Mine more closely resembles reality.

No, because, like your idea of shooting them into the sun, the experts are going to figure it out. They aren't going to just dive into the ocean and swim to the bottom for $53 billion dollars. As experts, they'll know how long they can hold their breath, and how deep the ocean is.

My plan is the only practical one.

 

[Byron In Exile]

so that's Tarkovsky

What did you think of it?

 

[Byron In Exile]

I voted...I like it and makes about as much sense as the bullshit I have heard from the gov't in the past year.

Get to it....

Yes! Saving the planet, one signature at a time.

This activism stuff is invigorating.

 

[Frisco_Slug_Esq]

I'll vote for any plan that I had input on...





Of course, upon passage, I reserve the right to take to the streets, rail against it, and build barricades.

 

[Byron In Exile]

I'll vote for any plan that I had input on...

Well, approval of it after I posted it isn't exactly "input," but, like any good activist, I'll take a signature any way I can get it.

Of course, upon passage, I reserve the right to take to the streets, rail against it, and build barricades.

Of course. And set cars on fire. Sort of a tradition, really...

 

[Frisco_Slug_Esq]

Don't make me quote from the other thread; the certification part was all mine



YOU


BIG


LIB LOON


DUMMY!!!!!!

 

[Frisco_Slug_Esq]

... I'm fixing cocktails now.





Molotov!

 

[Byron In Exile]

Don't make me quote from the other thread; the certification part was all mine

The "waiver of expertise" was your idea, definitely.

But it's not actually part of the plan. It's on the back of the petition for the plan.

And it's only for your own protection. You don't have to sign it if you're not aquaphobic.

Now, that might sound like a technicality, but where I come from, "technicality" means the murderer walks.

 

[Frisco_Slug_Esq]

OFF you go to

IGGY!!!!​