My first submission

[JenniferMidnight]

Hi,
this is my first submission to Lit. Would love to hear what you think about it.... it's called Presence.

 

[markyoni]

Wow!

Incredibly sensual...keep up the good work!

 

[WickedEve]

Hi,
this is my first submission to Lit. Would love to hear what you think about it.... it's called Presence.

Hi
What is the link to the poem? I don't see on the new poems list for today.

 

[markyoni]

I found it here.....http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=126067

 

[JenniferMidnight]

Thanks MarkYoni (smile) for posting the link. (such a newbie)

 

[Machiavellian]

Hi,
this is my first submission to Lit. Would love to hear what you think about it.... it's called Presence.

Very good work
(not much for detailed replies so tiz all I can say..)

 

[Senna Jawa]

Hi,
this is my first submission to Lit. Would love to hear what you think about it.... it's called Presence.

It's harmless. Just routine porno. A bit long and awfully boring but harmless.

 

[JenniferMidnight]

looking back

Been such a long time since I've visited Lit. Love slipping back to the innocence of writing this poem after so many years.

 

[irishwoody]

I dont want to be negative, or discourage anyone - but hope you dont take offence if I provide honest feedback...

Jenifier, I liked the start, but found myself wanting it to finish long before it finally did. My opinion is that it wold be better ending earlier and letting the reader finish the mental pictures off. Leave something to the imagination perhaps ?

 

[lorencino]

Five years later

I would be fascinated to read what you think of your poem five years after you wrote it.

 

[johnnieblue44]

Been such a long time since I've visited Lit. Love slipping back to the innocence of writing this poem after so many years.

write more, beautiful Jen..

for me, puh-leeze!?!?!

xo

 

[butters]

what changes would you make to it now, Jennifer, to make it catch up to how you write today (presuming you still do)?

 

[JenniferMidnight]

I would be fascinated to read what you think of your poem five years after you wrote it.

what changes would you make to it now, Jennifer, to make it catch up to how you write today (presuming you still do)?

write more, beautiful Jen..
for me, puh-leeze!?!?!
xo

I see I must go back and give it a read...
confession: After posting a story/poem on Lit. (and being so intimate with every word, phrase and sensual swell) I've never gone back and read one again...

 

[JenniferMidnight]

I dont want to be negative, or discourage anyone - but hope you dont take offence if I provide honest feedback...

Jenifier, I liked the start, but found myself wanting it to finish long before it finally did. My opinion is that it wold be better ending earlier and letting the reader finish the mental pictures off. Leave something to the imagination perhaps ?

How's this...
Oh you're in my blood like holy wine
You taste so bitter and so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you darling
And I would still be on my feet
Oh I would still be on my feet

That kind of sums it up...but unfortunately, Joni Mitchell wrote these lines *smile*

 

[butters]

How's this...
Oh you're in my blood like holy wine
You taste so bitter and so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you darling
And I would still be on my feet
Oh I would still be on my feet

That kind of sums it up...but unfortunately, Joni Mitchell wrote these lines *smile*

and what lines they are. *nods*

 

[JenniferMidnight]

I would be fascinated to read what you think of your poem five years after you wrote it.

The memory of that fantasy washed over my body like a gentle current as I reread these thoughts from another time. Oh sure, there’s lots I’d ‘correct’, like a school teacher might, but those words are exactly how it happened...or should have.

 

[dxmuk]

I liked your poem quite a bit, but I found it led me to a question...

If you were to try to convey the same thoughts but in a much shorter form, (say, 10-20 lines), how would you go about it- what would you take out, what would you add - in short, how would you crystallize it?

I think you have real talent, and would be curious to see what you came up with. If you ever do such a thing, repost! I'd love to see...

 

[JenniferMidnight]

I liked your poem quite a bit, but I found it led me to a question...

If you were to try to convey the same thoughts but in a much shorter form, (say, 10-20 lines), how would you go about it- what would you take out, what would you add - in short, how would you crystallize it?

I think you have real talent, and would be curious to see what you came up with. If you ever do such a thing, repost! I'd love to see...

I like this challenge and wonder if I'll end up writing a brand new poem altogether, dxmuk.
...to be swept away in 20 lines or less.

 

[mikesaysno]

It's harmless. Just routine porno. A bit long and awfully boring but harmless.

you could make a similar critique about this kind of comment:

It's harmful. Just routine bile. A bit short and awfully non-constructive but harmful.

 

[JenniferMidnight]

you could make a similar critique about this kind of comment:

It's harmful. Just routine bile. A bit short and awfully non-constructive but harmful.

Mike - you just brightened my day. I've left her humbling comment on the thread for years (as you know, I can remove it) wondering why, if someone had such a mundane comment to make, they either didn’t keep it to themselves or if they truly felt it was constructive criticism they were offering, send me a private message to discuss their thoughts and suggestions.
Love your creative, but on-the-money, comment. Thanks.

 

[dxmuk]

I like this challenge and wonder if I'll end up writing a brand new poem altogether, dxmuk.
...to be swept away in 20 lines or less.

Awesome. I can't wait...

 

[twelveoone]

you could make a similar critique about this kind of comment:

It's harmful. Just routine bile. A bit short and awfully non-constructive but harmful.

Really? One of rare times I agree with Senna Jawa.
"It's harmless. Just routine porno. A bit long and awfully boring but harmless."

Now how do you find this critique "harmful"? It is a bit long, and in bad need of weeding.

If her goal now is

"...to be swept away in 20 lines or less."

That does look like a constructive push.

 

[mikesaysno]

Really? One of rare times I agree with Senna Jawa.
"It's harmless. Just routine porno. A bit long and awfully boring but harmless."

Now how do you find this critique "harmful"? It is a bit long, and in bad need of weeding.

If her goal now is

"...to be swept away in 20 lines or less."

That does look like a constructive push.

harmful was the appropriate antonym in the sense that I was reversing her statement.

Perhaps i'm just and old softy with a glass jaw but I think a constructive crit should be more than just a string of negatives. I highly doubt you would accept a similar statement as the basis for improving your own work

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Senna is a grumpy old man with a bitter tongue who does happen to know what he's talking about poetry wise though I hate to say so because he's got up my nose more than once

 

[butters]

Really? One of rare times I agree with Senna Jawa.
"It's harmless. Just routine porno. A bit long and awfully boring but harmless."

Now how do you find this critique "harmful"? It is a bit long, and in bad need of weeding.

If her goal now is

"...to be swept away in 20 lines or less."

That does look like a constructive push.

well first of all, i wouldn't call that a critique, let alone a constructive critique. what i would call it, is an opinion that is fairly bland in and of itself; having said that, if i got a opinion like that on one of my pieces, it would certainly push me into looking at how things might be changed or, at the very least, if they really did need to be changed. it would have to depend on the source of the opinion, of course. the very fact the writer got a reply at all is, to be fair, something to be appreciated as it gives some insight as to how even one individual is receiving their writing.

a constructive critique offers a well-balanced view of a work, highlighting its strengths as well as its weaknesses and pointing out where/how improvements might be made, giving the writer that insight as to how their piece affects the reader so they know if something works in the way they'd intended it to. too many 'critters' offer only jaundiced, throw-away comments which are more about making themselves look smart/witty/jaded with those not at the same lofty cloud of literary achievement as themselves than about the piece of writing they should be addressing. a well-balanced crit can make all of the points that SJ's post did, but offer encouragement for the aspiring writer.