Feedback Wanted: Gilmore Girls Story

[lex33]

Hey there, Lex33 here and the Gilmore Girls Spring Break story is the first piece I've posted on Literotica. The link is here:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=451169

Love any feedback and constructive criticism.

 

[mia_erotica]

While I thought your writing was fine I just wasn't comfortable with your decisions with the characters. Lorelei would never go on spring break with her daughter. And the great thing about the Gilmore Girls was that their dialogue was always super fast paced. Each episode's script was nearly double that of other 1 hour shows. Your dialogue didn't seem remotely similar.

Are you a fan of the show? I just wonder why you picked those characters.

Just an opinion.

 

[lex33]

While I thought your writing was fine I just wasn't comfortable with your decisions with the characters. Lorelei would never go on spring break with her daughter. And the great thing about the Gilmore Girls was that their dialogue was always super fast paced. Each episode's script was nearly double that of other 1 hour shows. Your dialogue didn't seem remotely similar.

Are you a fan of the show? I just wonder why you picked those characters.

Just an opinion.

Hey, thanks for the feedback. I am a big fan of the show and knowing the dialogue and the pace I tried to incoporate it in a way that made sense. I have to disagree and say that I could totally see Lorelai wanting to do Spring Break with Rory and I could totally see Rory being wary of that. I will admit I've made Rory more prudish then she may appear on the show but that will change as the story goes on. I don't think I can duplicate the flair of the Gilmore Girl scripts (I am after all not that great a writer ;-) but I'll try to keep that in mind for the next chapter. Thanks again!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hey, thanks for the feedback. I am a big fan of the show and knowing the dialogue and the pace I tried to incoporate it in a way that made sense. I have to disagree and say that I could totally see Lorelai wanting to do Spring Break with Rory and I could totally see Rory being wary of that. I will admit I've made Rory more prudish then she may appear on the show but that will change as the story goes on. I don't think I can duplicate the flair of the Gilmore Girl scripts (I am after all not that great a writer ;-) but I'll try to keep that in mind for the next chapter. Thanks again!

The exchange with mia illustrates my problem with the celebs category.

The author is staight-jacketed into fully fledged characters that he can't develop and that most readers have pre-conceived views about.

If you had taken a single mom and two Yale students and let your imagination flow whilst borrowing from the Gilmore theme, none of us could say, 'Rory wouldn't do that'.

That said, I like your writing, but the pace is incredibly slow. You have taken the best part of 9,000 words to get them three hours down a thirty hour drive. Then Spring Break will happen. The dialogue and narrative you give us takes about 15 minutes or more to read but would be about four minutes of screen time - and then the editors would cut a lot. And nothing happens. I don't mean sex - until the McDonalds stop you go back and forwards over the same ground and then, like a flash of lightning, Rory has an unbelievable condom conversion (not because she's Rory).

Forget aping the TV dialogue structure, work your chapters into a beginning middle and end, and move the plot more quickly.

BTW, 'Chilten' is really 'Chilton' - see what I mean.

All in all though, a pretty impressive start - good stuff.

 

[_Lynn_]

The exchange with mia illustrates my problem with the celebs category.

The author is staight-jacketed into fully fledged characters that he can't develop and that most readers have pre-conceived views about.

If you had taken a single mom and two Yale students and let your imagination flow whilst borrowing from the Gilmore theme, none of us could say, 'Rory wouldn't do that'.

I've edited many celebrity pieces. The first few I found difficult because I didn't know anything about the people. Later stories based on the same celebrities became easier. The author spent hours on research to get details correct and still received negative comments.

There's a lot to be said about using fictional characters in my opinion.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I've edited many celebrity pieces. The first few I found difficult because I didn't know anything about the people. Later stories based on the same celebrities became easier. The author spent hours on research to get details correct and still received negative comments.

There's a lot to be said about using fictional characters in my opinion.

Why do you always say things more succintly and graciously than me?

Totally agree.

 

[_Lynn_]

Why do you always say things more succintly and graciously than me?

Totally agree.

Dunno??

 

[driphoney]

I've edited many celebrity pieces. The first few I found difficult because I didn't know anything about the people. Later stories based on the same celebrities became easier. The author spent hours on research to get details correct and still received negative comments.

There's a lot to be said about using fictional characters in my opinion.

It would be interesting if a writer took a celebrity story down and renamed the characters and rebadged the locations, then posted it in EC or some appropriate genre, how it would compare.

And I can't remember the specific How To, but someone suggested doing just that: write it as a fanfic, if it's what you enjoy, but don't post it that way.

I have to say, however, when someone suggested doing a Monk erotica piece, that totally amused me.

 

[Epmd607]

While I thought your writing was fine I just wasn't comfortable with your decisions with the characters. Lorelei would never go on spring break with her daughter. And the great thing about the Gilmore Girls was that their dialogue was always super fast paced. Each episode's script was nearly double that of other 1 hour shows. Your dialogue didn't seem remotely similar.

Are you a fan of the show? I just wonder why you picked those characters.

Just an opinion.

Remember when Lorelei kept referencing a backpacking through Europe trip, staying at student hostels, then they actually did the trip one summer? That was weird to me, not unlike Lorelei going with Rory on Spring Break. But Lorelei isn't meant to be traditional mother role. However, I agree about the fast pace, and think this story wasn't quite close enough to the characters. Then again, how would you put the Gilmore Girls in an erotic story?

 

[mia_erotica]

Gilmore Fuck

Lorelei, Luke and Kirk are stuck in the meat freezer at the grocery store. The store is closed because the owner has died and since he was an important part of the community no one will be in for days.

Kirk is prone to night terrors so they must keep him awake and since he is very thin Lorelei and Luke try to keep him warm. There is a lot of banter and punning until a threesome ensues. They think they are going to die. Lorelei goes down on Luke and Kirk pushes her out of the way because he thinks she's doing a lousy job. Then he takes over. Lorelei and Luke kiss and then...more fucking, etc. Finally Rory and her father find the freezing fuckers.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

lex33, we haven't forgotten you.

Reading the comments by Epmd and mia shows they are already way beyond the characters you have written about so far. Even if you were Dan Brown, you will struggle to meet expectations.

Take the premise of Gilmore Girls and make your own fanfic as drip and Lynn suggest. Your story works well in this respect as you get into dialogue quickly without the suffocating explanation and history often found here. This has the makings of a good story - modern single mom goes on Spring break with daughter and girlfriend. Try developing your own plot rather than worrying about the TV series.

 

[HoneyFortune]

edited

 

[mia_erotica]

Luke-mmmmmm

My absolute favorite scene in all the Gilmore Girls episodes is when Sally Struthers runs across the street in one take and then, all out of breath gives the tiniest bit of information that wasn't even relevant. Do you remember that?

GG can work as fan fiction, I mean, different writers wrote episodes of the show and kept true to the characters so it makes sense that it can be done porn style.