Vampire - Non-Human/ Erotic Horror - HELP?

[Trudy_Antone]

*****

 

[Trudy_Antone]

*****

 

[_Lynn_]

Damn... still no feedback.

I really am seeking honest comments and suggestions re: style, characters, story. I have a problem with cliches and editing doesn't always catch them all. The parts are short, less than two pages...

Here is the third chapter anyway: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=447417

For the next instalments I will be engaging a wonderful editor!

This is not a category I know at all, so I would be useless in making suggestions.

Let's hope someone with a better grip of the cat comes along and offers their feedback real soon.

 

[Skorpion49]

Sex and death

It's a great shame you aren't getting more attention - your chosen genre is not one that I thought would appeal but it is brimming with suspense and the classic elements that define or destroy any relationship. Imminent death is a powerful aphrodisiac and the eternal sexual power struggle between a physically stronger man and a cunning woman is a thread you manage to weave well. I've just had time to read a small part of your first story but felt compelled to encourage you - and hopefully other readers or authors will give you some deserved attention now.

 

[Skorpion49]

Children

I am a father. The child in the story is protected. There is a moral to the story - do not judge harshly or swiftly. Or you will live to regret. This is quite OK with me. Respect the mother and father instinct - this is a fine message to send to all your readers. No controversy here as far as I can see.

 

[Trudy_Antone]

Hi Skorpion,
Thanks so much for your kind words and I really appreciate your analysis and insight. You know, I never thought about the child in those terms, my only concern was to keep her well away from the sex. Nor did I consider the themes you mentioned re: sex and death, although I was aiming for conflict and plenty of it! I started out with two characters, one who is expected to be good but is losing his moral compass, and the other, who is expected to be thoroughly evil yet surprises at every turn. I've always had a fascination with appearances and the truth that lies beneath. I've never written anything in this genre before and find it harder work in terms of not just constructing a story but an entire mythology to underline it. Of course, in this respect, I have stolen from the master - Stephen King, and various other influences I've read over the years. For once I know where this story is going and how it will end - all I have to do is get there!
Thanks again Skorpion!

 

[CopperSkink]

My browzing doesn't take me into either erotic horor or nonhuman very often (except to laugh at the bestiality loophole by putting horns on the horses), but just take a step back and look at people's thought processes when looking for a story. Rather than... well, for myself, rather than post a story blank and hope something happens, I get involved with readers (I do some editing) and share stories so there's a bunch of people I know who read what I put. Besides that if someone happens to bump into it, that's cool too.

 

[Skorpion49]

Paranoia

Great to hear that there is a plot... it's all about strength and weakness. Good and Evil. Stephen King was not an author I thought I would like either, until I started reading him. "There's someone in my head, but it's not me" sort of thing. Most of us have stuff within us we'd rather not talk about. Let it all out is my motto. And to hell with the consequences. "White heart" gives us a hint I think... good will prevail? Not that I want to spoil your plot! I remember a John Lennon quote - "Any loving is good loving". When he heard that Brian Epstein was homosexual. It's the same for BDSM or vampire sex or whatever - it's human nature and suppress it at your peril...

 

[Skorpion49]

Alien

Anyone remember the last scene from the 1st Alien movie where Sigourny Weaver is alone onboard in the escape capsule and she realises the Beast is with her? Even though we all knew she could die horribly - didn't we all think SEX as she removed her clothes and stepped into her spacesuit?

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Easy. You need a total rewrite with a good editor. You writing is imprecise, your images are confused and you pay no attention to the connotation of the words you chose.

Grammatically the story is essentially correct, but there is no empathy. Try naming your characters. Who gives a rats ass about "he", "me" "you" or "her"? After pages and pages I still have no idea who the hell these people are.

Even in your first paragraph there are two major errors. "Bundle"? Did this come from the dry cleaners or something? Be precise in your writing and tell us exactly. Don't make us guess or have to read on to find out. BACK CLICK! Then you used the word "procure". Okay, that means gained by some action. Fine, except that it also carries the connotation of prostitution (See "procurer" - that means PIMP). You make the same mistakes throughout the piece.

In it's present form I doubt you will gain much of a following.

Sorry.

 

[Trudy_Antone]

Anyone remember the last scene from the 1st Alien movie where Sigourny Weaver is alone onboard in the escape capsule and she realises the Beast is with her? Even though we all knew she could die horribly - didn't we all think SEX as she removed her clothes and stepped into her spacesuit?

I wasn't thinking SEX at all, I was thinking gruesome, horrible death and Geiger babies ripping their way out of her chest cavity! But the thought of sex in zero gravity does strange things to my juices... Ooh, Skorpion, I'm feeling a sci-fi coming on!

 

[Skorpion49]

Fear

Well you are a girl. Even though you have written about sex with other girls - I promise you - every male in the cinema should have had a hard-on at that moment. It is a natural instinct after all. If I am to die, then I should make sure there is a baby or two after me...

 

[Skorpion49]

SciFi

I wasn't thinking SEX at all, I was thinking gruesome, horrible death and Geiger babies ripping their way out of her chest cavity! But the thought of sex in zero gravity does strange things to my juices... Ooh, Skorpion, I'm feeling a sci-fi coming on!

Well go on then. The sky is the limit, after all!

 

[Trudy_Antone]

*****

 

[Trudy_Antone]

Well you are a girl. Even though you have written about sex with other girls - I promise you - every male in the cinema should have had a hard-on at that moment. It is a natural instinct after all. If I am to die, then I should make sure there is a baby or two after me...

You crack me up!

 

[Trudy_Antone]

*****

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Um, asking for honest feedback and then blasting someone when they do give you honest feedback is considered a little impolite in some quarters. Jenny can be brutally frank, but there's usually merit in what she says.

I happen to disagree on the 'bundle' and 'procure' thing. I thought that paragraph was fine as it was.

In fact I thought the whole opening section was very strong. The vampire hunter catching up with their quarry only to find them gruesomely feeding on what appears to be a baby is a strong hook. The twist that follows as the vampire is revealed to be not quite as expected really sets up the rest of the story nicely.

But then you don't deliver. The rest of the chapter is completely flat.

Beginning with just 'he' and 'she' is fine when you have a strong initial scene, but after then the 'he' alone isn't strong enough to provide focus for the story. Even when his name arrives it feels more like an afterthought. The second half of the first chapter really does need a rewrite. I'm not sure if it's the style or a weakness in the protagonist's characterisation, but I found the bottom half of that page really difficult to get through and by the end of the first chapter I saw nothing that made me want to click on the link for the next chapter.

Also, you mention you're inspired by the awfulness of Twilight, but what are you doing here that's any different other than changing the gender of the vampire? You still have the same sexy-and-reluctant-to-kill-for-blood vampire character that has been polluting vampire fiction ever since Anne Rice wrote 'Interview...'

You'll do okay, because there's a large enough audience that will lap up anything vampire related, but trying to get any kind of interest outside of that niche is really hard because there are thousands and thousands of mediocre vampire stories that have the same characters and the same plots. The opening scene is strong, but the same scene was equally as strong when Van Helsing's original scooby gang came across a transformed Lucy Westenra in Bram Stoker's Dracula.

In that vein, bashing an author that has made millions while you're contributing nothing especially interesting to an already crowded genre is not just presumptious, it's plain stupid. But go right ahead.

As to the query over Erotic Horror vs Non Numan you're probably better with Non Human. Erotic Horror gets even less reads than Non Human usually.

Good luck with the rest of the series.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Dear Jenny,

While I appreciate you pushing my numbers up by one, I'm afraid I can't credit your opinion other than the obvious - I need an Editor - as stated already, by me. Based on your post it's obvious you didn't read the first chapter fully or you would have found his name on the FIRST page, the woman and the child named on the THIRD page, the FIRST page of the second chapter. Hardly pages and pages. I remember a fight between you and Sir Pit on another thread re: names up front. That seems to be one of your pet peeves. Is it possible you're so biased your eyes just skate over names? Would you like a bra size and earning status posted in the first paragraph as well? (Now I'm sounding bitchy). Based on your advice to other new authors I admit to being underwhelmed by your opinion.

"He caught her at the edge of town, feeding.

Disgust clawed at his stomach as he watched her devour the tiny bundle, teeth ripping at flesh, blood flowing from the corners of her mouth. How could he have allowed this to happen? Stopping to rest during the long chase, he'd taken his eyes off her for only the briefest matter of time; time enough for her to procure a baby."

Ok, it might be a little unwieldy and I might wear your definition of bundle but procured is definitely correct. As to connotations of prostitution... where is that in the Oxford dictionary? Even if that definition is widely known (in whatever country you live in) that suits me fine. He considers her to be the epitome of evil, note that in his mind, prostitution isn't much of a step down from baby killing.

Maybe Sir Pit could weigh in with his definitions of 'bundle' and 'procure'. I'd be very interested in his opinion!

"Don't make us guess or have to read on to find out"?????? Sorry??? Do you want to be told the story or shown the story? Do you prefer to have everything boxed and labelled for you rather than thinking for yourself and later discovering the answer? That whole premise seems anathema to writing fiction IMHO. Why would the reader go on when everything is laid out bare with no surprises? As far as suspense goes, that's a plot killer.

As to 'No Empathy', are you talking about me for my characters, them for each other, or you for my story? I think you've sadly missed the themes of guilt, forbidden lust, protection of the weak and innocent, the blurring of the lines between good and evil, dangerous obsession, and isolation. Here comes the divide between the writer's intent and the reader's interpretation. I think I've managed to depict Liam as a hard man governed by a conflicted conscience. I think, I hope... with you I've failed miserably. Then again, I don't believe you actually read it as you claim.

As to not gaining much of a following... Are we here to express ourselves creatively, or to gain attention? Absolutely both. In those terms, I'm happy to stretch myself on something I've never attempted before, and as to popularity, I've been favourited 3 times as much since this story came out than I have since I joined in June, and I got your attention, didn't I? All my stories have a little red 'H' (and I hate writing that because I know it's inviting trolls), so overall my Lit experience has been awesome. Even receiving my first harsh critique from your's truly is awesome, although I would've had more respect for you if you'd picked out the glaring cliches or my terrible overuse of adverbs.

Cheers x

After reading and reviewing thousands of stories on Lit. It's my opinion. If you can't take it, get out of the firing line. BACK CLICK!

 

[Trudy_Antone]

*****

 

[Trudy_Antone]

*****

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Truant

I come late to this but I think you completely misunderstand literotica.

Taking potshots at published authors that few have read won't help your readership. Write stories for readers , not your ego.

Yes, bundle is inappropriate. It implies a bundle of sheets or blankets and when you reveal a lamb it is ridiculous.

OED:-
procure verb trans. c. 1600 Someone who obtains women for prostitution.

procurer n. A person who obtains women. . .

In the sense you use it, it's wrong.

You don't develop and flesh out your characters. Even when you finally give them names you don't use them, don't develop characters or create any tension. We, the readers, only get enjoyment from what you put in writing. To berate a reader for not having an intuition into the mind of the writer is arrogance of the highest order.

You have a flowery style and there is little plot and , as you say, you are desperately in need of an editor - try the Editor's Forum here.

manyeyedhydra was kind, most of what you write after the first para is an incoherent ramble.

Get an editor, define your characters, and tell an exciting story. Jenny was right, you limp through without creating any tension.

Sorry, but

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Yes, bundle is inappropriate. It implies a bundle of sheets or blankets and when you reveal a lamb it is ridiculous.

OED:-
procure verb trans. c. 1600 Someone who obtains women for prostitution.

procurer n. A person who obtains women. . .

In the sense you use it, it's wrong.

Here's the definition I found:

Verb

to procure

1. To acquire or obtain an item or service, sometimes rare, usually by extra effort.

Usage seems perfectly acceptable here.

'Bundle' is also fine. It's a neat shortcut to describe what it looks like from the POV of the hunter character.

I agree with the 'incoherent ramble' comment.

 

[sr71plt]

Do you want to be told the story or shown the story? Do you prefer to have everything boxed and labelled for you rather than thinking for yourself and later discovering the answer? That whole premise seems anathema to writing fiction IMHO. Why would the reader go on when everything is laid out bare with no surprises? As far as suspense goes, that's a plot killer.

Well, yes, I think you may have put your finger on a major issue in this room. Apparently some here think you have to go through a "Dick and Jane went up the hill" simplistic storytelling phase that just lays it all out in the first paragraph until some unspecified time when you will have learned the secret Lit. handshake and can join the elite who don't post stories here often but who are self-annointed experts in the "only" way a newbie Lit. contributor can write--'cause they know what's popular and what isn't.

Having come from a military family, my first understanding of the definition of "procure" matches the first definition in Webster's: "to get possession of: to obtain by particular care and effort." Now I think it would be delicious if you can give the concept its double meaning in a Lit. story, but that probably would be too much compexity for some of our resident self-annointed critics and would explode their heads.

I don't see a particular problem with jumping on Stephanie Meyer's writing ability. Just about every adult writer seems to be doing that these days. And if it's your opinion, it's your opinion.

Welcome to the Lit. club.

But who is this Sir Pit you refer to?

 

[Trudy_Antone]

*****

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

As to Jenny... there is a difference between offering constructive criticism and bashing people with a stick. For me personally, if I offer feedback on someone's work I a)Offer my opinion with the disclaimer that I am no expert writer (ie, on the same level as them, NOT above them), and b)Am very much aware that people's feelings are involved and try to find at least one positive to salve the smack. We treat others the way we want to be treated right? With humanity. I read five of your stories and think perhaps people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones?

As for you there is a difference between being a writer and being a childish, egotistic fuck. Now go play in your sandbox.