My Kinkiness Going One Way and My Wife’s the Other. Anyone Else?

[Mr. Briggs]

I’ve noticed in the past 5 years or so my kinkiness is moving in one direction and my wife’s in the other. A little background info. We are in our 30s and have a young family. We have never been an overly sexual couple (by lit standards I would imagine us to be very tame). 5 years or so ago when we were dating we’d have sex more frequently. She used to use our strap-on on me (only a few times but did use it), talk dirty in bed and exchange dirty stories by email. Nothing over the top but I was very happy. It was good enough for me. I never felt she was overly into any of it but at least she tried. Now I’m lucky if I get any sex once or twice a month. A few months ago she was cleaning up our drawers and didn’t like having all the toys we had so she threw out everything except two of our vibrators. I was sad to see our strap-on gone. Despite not being able to enjoy it together I did have some fun time alone with it. I’ll be honest that was a sad day it felt like a blow to the sex life I always held out hope for us having.

Obviously the less sex we have the more I seek to please myself online (note I’d never cheat on her. I could go the rest of my life without sex before I’d cheat on her). Which has me coming to literotica and other sites more often. Which in turn gets my mind going to deviant places I never dreamed it would go to. I never thought I’d be searching for creampie, strapon, shemale, big cock videos and stories to get off to. Yet here I am doing just that. Meanwhile I get the feeling that the less sexual activity my wife has the happier she is. So while I’m heading towards kinkier sexual thoughts and fantasies my wife is moving in completely the opposite direction.

Anyhow I hate to feel alone so I figured why not ask if anyone else is in the same situation. How do you make the best of it? From a few of my pm’s I get the feeling that there are quite a few of us. Hopefully this is a fun, comforting and hot thread

 

[Mr. Briggs]

As a side note I have to say The one thing I love about lit , besides the hot stories and posts, is the ability to hear from other like minded people and get confirmation that I’m not crazy. The best example is my Men who Love Cock Thread http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=569635 I knew there were a few guys out there that thought like me. I never thought that thread would get over 100,000 page views. It’s reassuring and let’s me know I’m not alone and I’m not a freak. Hopefully today’s thread gets some decent replies.

 

[Gavionn]

I'm happy to be the first to reply, Mr. Briggs.

What it is, and why it is that women's sex drive seems to disappear after marriage and kids is a mystery to me. A mystery made all the deeper by their behavior early in the relationship. And extended by their judgemental and sacrimonious attitude toward the randiness of men. When you factor in the reality that they have zero interest in sex, yet are also adamantly against the husband going elsewhere for satisfaction - the mystery only gets murkier.

I hate to say this (especially about my own wife, who I love and adore and would never cheat on) - but most of them seem to have pulled the old "bait-and-switch" on us poor bastards. I know I'm not the only married man who's gone from having mind-numbing sex on a regular basis to virtually none at all.

And the excuse that "when we have it, it's awesome" only holds water for so long.

I've talked to many married women that I know, and most of them seem to feel the same way as my wife. And are frustrated by their husbands wanting sex all the time.

What irks me to no end is the demand that her lack of interest in sex should mean the same for me.

Sorry. Nope. Ain't gonna happen. Three of the reasons I fell in love with you are that you're hot, you're great in the sack and you do the things I like. I haven't changed, nor have my desires.

So, okay... fine. You've lost interest in sex. Then I should be given permission to get it from somewhere else, right? Only seems fair. If the local grocery store closes down, I'm not expected to starve. I just go to the next-closest store.

But in my experience, women don't see sex in a logical way as I've described. Which is odd, because in general they tend to be the more thoughtful of the species.

My wife has been known to get severely territorial when she even SUSPECTS that another woman might have an interest in me. Which is a great feeling at first... but is quickly followed by "... what the hell do you care? You seem content to go to your grave without ever having sex again... at least not with me."

And it is also true for me that the reason I come to Lit and other sites is in an effort to keep myself in check. And yes, doing so causes me to "deviate" a bit. If my sex life were fulfilling me, I never would've discovered shemales and such. I take full responsibility for what turns me on... but if I'd had my way I would've never had to look elsewhere.

The ironic thing for most of us is, if our wives were to discover our Lit Lives - we'd probably be better off if we'd cheated on them.

Just another layer to the fucked-up cake that is the sex life of the married-yet-horny American male.

The thing that pisses me off the most is that the women have absolutely no qualms about denying us sex for months (yes, in my case - months) at a time... but would absolutely lose it if they were to learn that we had strayed.

Add to all of this the fact that their fantasies are just as nasty (if not moreso) than ours, but they won't share them with us - and the frustration level only gets higher.

 

[Mr. Briggs]

We've talk a few times. Our thoughts and lives are so close it's scary. Thanks for the great reply.

You are right about Lit Lives being discovered. I think reading and seeing some of the things I've posted here would probably upset my wife more than if I was flirting with a hottie. It's sad because it's a cause and reaction. I'd not be here if I had the sex. When I have regular sex I never even think about looking for extra stimulation online (ie lit stories). But when I'm being starved I have to keep myself satisfied somehow.

The other sad part is if my wife knew about what or when I jerk off she'd condemn it and look down upon it. Instead of encouraging me to cum on my own time and get out of her hair she'd frown upon it and make me feel bad about it.

 

[Shadowann2]

Wow...just wow. I have no idea what you guys are dealing with!

I'm engaged again after 2 failed marriages, but never did my marriages have a problem with sex. We didn't have less sex after we were married (with the exception of the first few months after having a baby!), and in my current relationship, I'm the one who wants it more. My sex drive is at the same level it was when I was a teenager. If I could have it 3 times a day, I would! The current problem isn't lack of desire, it's lack of time! I am open to trying almost any kink, and frankly, I've already tried most things.

Not every woman out there is like your wives, and honestly, I think they need to see a doctor. For women, especially women in their 30's, when we're supposed to be at our sexual peak, to have no sex drive at all, indicates a problem, in my opinion. Their testosterone levels may be too low, causing them to have no sex drive. She should talk to her GYN about her complete lack of sexual desire so they can run some tests. If there is nothing medically wrong with them, then I would look into a counselor for both of you. Lack of sex in a marriage will inevitably lead to other problems in the relationship. You guys need to talk to your wives and take a proactive approach to dealing with this problem!

This is a thread along the same lines as yours.

Here is what I said in it:

I can understand your pain. The problem with giving up is that your sex life together doesn't only have ramifications inside the bedroom. Frustration, resentment, and depression over a lack of sexual satisfaction will bleed into other elements of your relationship. Not to mention the lack of closeness and intimacy, and not just in the physical sense, that will become pervasive in your relationship. Even the rigid, ultra-sexually-conservative Catholic Church finally came out and admitted that sex, inside a marriage, is necessary for a healthy relationship; not just for the purpose of procreation.

I would strongly suggest that the two of you seek counseling about this and not just give up and try to forget about it. I sincerely doubt that will work in the long run. I don't know how old either of you are, but I doubt you are old enough that your sex drive will fall off the map soon, so this will be a constantly repressed urge that isn't being fulfilled (even a little bit), and that will inevitably lead to major issues for each of you as an individual, and as a couple. You two need to talk about things with a professional and try to find SOME sort of middle ground. If she is self-proclaimed "sexually repressed", one-on-one counseling very well could help her to open her mind to at least some of the things you like. Just make sure you don't put the onus all on her. She is the way she is, through no fault of her own, and as someone who loves her, it is your job to stand by her side and work TOGETHER on this issue.

I wish you both the best of luck. Try to stay positive and look for solutions. One rule I live my life by is: Never give up, and never give in!

Seriously, if this is affecting you this much...do something about it! Your wives obviously still love you, so don't just give up! Make them realize how important this is to you and communicate that you want to make a joint effort to improve things!

 

[Gavionn]

Wow...just wow. I have no idea what you guys are dealing with!

I'm engaged again after 2 failed marriages, but never did my marriages have a problem with sex. We didn't have less sex after we were married (with the exception of the first few months after having a baby!), and in my current relationship, I'm the one who wants it more. My sex drive is at the same level it was when I was a teenager. If I could have it 3 times a day, I would! The current problem isn't lack of desire, it's lack of time! I am open to trying almost any kink, and frankly, I've already tried most things.

Not every woman out there is like your wives, and honestly, I think they need to see a doctor. For women, especially women in their 30's, when we're supposed to be at our sexual peak, to have no sex drive at all, indicates a problem, in my opinion. Their testosterone levels may be too low, causing them to have no sex drive. She should talk to her GYN about her complete lack of sexual desire so they can run some tests. If there is nothing medically wrong with them, then I would look into a counselor for both of you. Lack of sex in a marriage will inevitably lead to other problems in the relationship. You guys need to talk to your wives and take a proactive approach to dealing with this problem!

This is a thread along the same lines as yours.

Here is what I said in it:



Seriously, if this is affecting you this much...do something about it! Your wives obviously still love you, so don't just give up! Make them realize how important this is to you and communicate that you want to make a joint effort to improve things!

Sorry, Biggs - I have to respond to this one first.

Shadowann ~ Are you serious? You're embarking on marriage number 3, and you presume to educate me on my only marriage? I appreciate the sentiment, truly I do - but if there has ever been a case for the idea that there is more to marriage than sex - you just made it.

I've been with my wife for 16 years. Married for 14.

Not every woman is like my wife, that's true. Which is exactly why I married her.

I'm interested to know how old you are; how many children you have, with how many men; and how long each of your marriages have lasted.

No offense intended, but I'm not prepared to take relationship advice from someone with 2 failed marriages under their belt while mine is alive and well.

Your suggestion of counseling is well-taken. But I can't help but think that you have no idea what a real marriage involves. It's difficult to take advice from someone with less experience, if you get my meaning.

 

[Gavionn]

We've talk a few times. Our thoughts and lives are so close it's scary. Thanks for the great reply.

You are right about Lit Lives being discovered. I think reading and seeing some of the things I've posted here would probably upset my wife more than if I was flirting with a hottie. It's sad because it's a cause and reaction. I'd not be here if I had the sex. When I have regular sex I never even think about looking for extra stimulation online (ie lit stories). But when I'm being starved I have to keep myself satisfied somehow.

The other sad part is if my wife knew about what or when I jerk off she'd condemn it and look down upon it. Instead of encouraging me to cum on my own time and get out of her hair she'd frown upon it and make me feel bad about it.

I agree. Scary-similar.

The only defense I've been able to come up with is that they know they can have whatever they want (sexually) whenever they want it - which virtually eliminates the sense of desire that we endure.

Just imagine; you want a cock in your mouth... you point out the owner of said cock and it's yours. You want to taste a pussy? Book a weekend with your friends. You want multiple cocks and pussies at the same time? Tell your man about it while sucking his dick, he'll agree to anything.

It is a completely different world that they live in.

Have you ever noticed? The moment there is even a perceived threat - women become VERY territorial.

I've seen my wife kiss other men on the mouth (not something that I like) and she doesn't understand to this day why it bothered me... but when she heard a rumor that another woman MIGHT have designs on me (with no action on my part) she was FURIOUS. At ME!!

No sex for months at a time, yet she hates the idea of another woman coming on to me. I don't get it. And I doubt we'll find a woman on Lit who can explain it.

Any who are getting ready to try: I've done it all. The flowers, the gifts, the foot-rubs, making her cum and asking nothing in return, I'm good at sex - very attentive, and my cock is above average.

It's her... okay? I'm not leaving - I just want to find a way to snap her out of this BS. It's stupid. She's causing both of us to waste the prime years of our lives.

 

[sgettoit]

I am in the same position as 2 out of three here so far. Although I suppose if I had kicked my wife to the curb at the first chance, blazed through another wife on the way to number three I wouldn't have this issue. Sadly, I can't afford the payments and actually still love her.

Life is busy seems to be the catchall problem. Not the one cited as I am turned down again but they kind of all fall into that category. This is extremely frustrating, and really does make me feel bad about myself at times. Not only can I count on never being approached for it but to be turned down pretty much all the time. Hell, I feel worse now that I've typed it out. LOL The toys went out a long time ago, and when you have sex once a month or less you never really get beyond the basics. Having sex would be a great start, but us having a "sex life" is what I want with her.

Sometimes I think I'd be thrilled to know she was having sex with someone else. At least I'd know there's fish in the pond, just need a bigger lure. Well, maybe not a bigger lure, but - "so you're telling me there's a chance" - you get my drift.

I can't really tell you a different way to deal with it. We seem to be going about it the same way. But I guarantee you that there's more than a few of us around. Every married guy I know was dating a hot in the sack woman that was never gonna slow down. Then they married her and will be along here shortly to tell their tale of the lost libido.

Mr. Briggs, if you though your other club was big, wait till the "have you seen my wife's sex drive" thread takes hold!

 

[BicuriousMJaxFL]

No offense intended, but I'm not prepared to take relationship advice from someone with 2 failed marriages under their belt while mine is alive and well.

For someone who apparently intends no offense, your response to someone who is only trying to help is pretty rude. Your marriage may be alive, but from your own descriptions, it cannot be considered well by any stretch. It may be that besides the sex, your marriage is perfect, but that's a pretty big exception, not to mention the fact that you apparently can't be honest with your wife.

 

[foothillsncm]

riht there with you guys ...mid 30s mine actually gets mad atme if i even try to ask about it.i try to joke and carryon but to no evail shes says no way..seems a "quickie" is all she wants and i mean quickie..i know we still love each other more than anyone could and just dont understand it....dont think i ever will..i would do anything she wanted ANYTHING but she wont even go there....hopes and dreams maybeall i know

 

[FasrEddie]

I'm happy to be the first to reply, Mr. Briggs.

What it is, and why it is that women's sex drive seems to disappear after marriage and kids is a mystery to me. A mystery made all the deeper by their behavior early in the relationship. And extended by their judgemental and sacrimonious attitude toward the randiness of men. When you factor in the reality that they have zero interest in sex, yet are also adamantly against the husband going elsewhere for satisfaction - the mystery only gets murkier.

I hate to say this (especially about my own wife, who I love and adore and would never cheat on) - but most of them seem to have pulled the old "bait-and-switch" on us poor bastards. I know I'm not the only married man who's gone from having mind-numbing sex on a regular basis to virtually none at all.

And the excuse that "when we have it, it's awesome" only holds water for so long.

I've talked to many married women that I know, and most of them seem to feel the same way as my wife. And are frustrated by their husbands wanting sex all the time.

What irks me to no end is the demand that her lack of interest in sex should mean the same for me.

Sorry. Nope. Ain't gonna happen. Three of the reasons I fell in love with you are that you're hot, you're great in the sack and you do the things I like. I haven't changed, nor have my desires.

So, okay... fine. You've lost interest in sex. Then I should be given permission to get it from somewhere else, right? Only seems fair. If the local grocery store closes down, I'm not expected to starve. I just go to the next-closest store.

But in my experience, women don't see sex in a logical way as I've described. Which is odd, because in general they tend to be the more thoughtful of the species.

My wife has been known to get severely territorial when she even SUSPECTS that another woman might have an interest in me. Which is a great feeling at first... but is quickly followed by "... what the hell do you care? You seem content to go to your grave without ever having sex again... at least not with me."

And it is also true for me that the reason I come to Lit and other sites is in an effort to keep myself in check. And yes, doing so causes me to "deviate" a bit. If my sex life were fulfilling me, I never would've discovered shemales and such. I take full responsibility for what turns me on... but if I'd had my way I would've never had to look elsewhere.

The ironic thing for most of us is, if our wives were to discover our Lit Lives - we'd probably be better off if we'd cheated on them.

Just another layer to the fucked-up cake that is the sex life of the married-yet-horny American male.

The thing that pisses me off the most is that the women have absolutely no qualms about denying us sex for months (yes, in my case - months) at a time... but would absolutely lose it if they were to learn that we had strayed.

Add to all of this the fact that their fantasies are just as nasty (if not moreso) than ours, but they won't share them with us - and the frustration level only gets higher.

Brother... We gotta get YOU your own "Talk Show"
Let's give Oprah & Dr. Phil the boot cause they don't know shit anyway!


You just described not only My Married Life...
But the Married Life of every man that I know.

I believe what you have described is very common in a LOT of marriges.
I also believe that all of the things that you have described are a large part of
"Why Men Cheat"
The only thing that you left out is when the Wife finally gives it up.
Not because she is into it ( Or Me )... But because it's her "Duty"
Which leaves me totally unsatisfied!

I think every married woman needs to read this thread!

BTW... My Wife & I are both in our late 40's,
Have only been married once,
And have been married for almost 30 years.

 

[Fyreguy2006]

Mr. Biggs and Gavionn,

First of all let me ask you this question. IF you are so happy with your wives why are you here seeking a surogate sex life on Literotica? It seems to me if you are happy with your wives, and your marriages, you wouldn't need to seek a sexual outlet that you must HIDE from your wives.

Secondly, I was married to the same woman for 26 years and after about 5 years of marriage our sex life declined to the point that we had problems in the marriage. We went to counseling over and over from then until the marriage ended. Always with the same results, a short time change for the better and them the slide back to the same old shit. Granted sex was not the only problem and it may have been made more prominent by those other problems.

My point is simply this, you really have 2 choices: 1) Stop fooling yourself that you are happy EXCEPT for the sex life, and either get counseling to see if it can be changed, or sit down with your spouse and see what the real problem is. 2) Move on, end the relationship and seek a new love that has your same sex drive.

The fact that you both are here sharing your sad stories, and seeking a sexual outlet through Literotica, shows you are NOT happy. Admit it and fix the problem.

By the way, my current girlfriend and I read literotica together. I don't have to hide this from her.

 

[FasrEddie]

Bumping this back to the top.
( I would still like to hear other peoples comments)

 

[silver_eyes]

"A woman hits her sexual peak about 30 or so and then it falls off a cliff" - Dan, the philosepher garbage man

Here's the thing I don't get. The conventional wisdom is that women hit heir sexual peak in their 30's, but the vast majority of women I've talked to about it said their desire started going south in their late twenties or early thirties and was pretty much gone by their mid thirties.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Gentlemen, let a vagina-carrying person interject here. Women's sexual preferences change once in a while.

Silver eyes mentioned the thirties. Right about my thirties it seemed that my sexual desires were changing-- like, I couldn't stand to be touched on the ass, and I wanted my partner to look at my face, and I wanted to hear some talk during fucking.

Trying to get my husband to change his habits in relation to my needs was one of the most frustrating experiences of my life. Believe me when I tell you it took some real determination-- and also, it took me deciding that the marriage was more important than my sexual fulfillment-- to get through it.

The process of convincing him to listen and trust me when i was talking about myself-- and not get his big old male ego all riled up about it-- took us two years.

With, I might add, limited success. It's still very difficult to communicate with the guy when it comes to altering something we have been doing but maybe doesn't work now. Like, nowadays I crave being spanked.

And it took a yelling fight to get him to understand that I meant it when I said "I want to be spanked." Because you know-- twenty years ago, I didn't want hm near my butt.
These.
Things.
Change.
Seriously, they do.

It would have been much easier for me to claim my sex drive had disappeared, honestly. But I have too much testosterone, as it happens, to let it go that easily.

Just something for you guys to think about. As for me-- I will marry a woman, if I ever marry again.

 

[mmb]

(evolutionary) biology

First, I'm married and happily get sex reliably about once a week. Could I stand more? Sure. Am I kinkier than my wife? I think so. And sometimes I'm pretty sure she suggests sex more because she knows I need it than her actually wanting it. Obviously it's better when she's into it, but I respect the effort.

Second, there have been some nasty comments about people's marriages here. Judging someone's relationship based on a single post ... really? And, aren't we supposed to be nice and understanding here?

Anyway, I don't think it's hard to understand/explain the difference between men and women's sex drives when you think about it biologically. The fundamental difference is the (minimum biological) time/effort commitment between a man and a woman for reproduction. And you have to think about this over long evolutionary amounts of time where societal pressures weren't what they are now.

The difference is that, in principle, a man can maximize reproductive success by "quantity over quality". He can go around having sex all over the place with multiple partners, and he is only increasing his chance of passing on his genes. Not that this is what happens now, but it seems to be a "strategy" that men have evolved over time. Of course, men can increase reproductive success by "quality" too (stable home, investing in child's success), but this appears to be less important to us. Or, at some subconcious level, we think about both routes: stable home and children and maybe something else on the side.

By the way, I'm not advocating this or saying it's ethical/moral or whatever. I'm just saying that when you think in evolutionary terms, it should not be surprising that men have these thoughts.

The woman's situation is totally different. She has to carry a baby for 9 months and then take care of it for quite a while. Remember, we're thinking over evolutionary time where there was no formula, baby food, etc ... breast feeding was required. The simple fact is that she will never get as many chances to reproduce as a really sexually active man could. She has to go for "quality over quantity". Part of this means getting a good man to be father and stay committed to the family. This also means getting him focused on *her* children (explains a lot of the jealousy comments here). It also means that it makes perfect sense for a woman to be more sexually interested early in a relationship: if she thinks she has a good man and no children yet, she's thinking "time to cash in". (Ok, I know she is not conciously thinking that ... I'm talking about deep subconcious biological drives here). Once she has kids, it also makes sense that she's now focused on their success rather than "spreading herself too thin" by having more kids and sex. I have heard that, post-menopause, many women get more interested in sex again. This is consistent with the fact that they feel like they can have it and not endanger their current children by "spreading herself too thin". Maybe many of women's changing sexual interests are linked to these factors.

From an ethical standpoint, not much of this is really all that relevant. I think the main conclusion here is that we should not be surprised that (on average) there are different sex drives in men and women. Also, it means that we should all be understanding of our partners (probably different) view of sex. They're not doing anything "wrong". They're doing what biology programmed them to do.

Now, we're all concious and hopefully ethical beings, so we don't have to be slaves to our DNA. I don't think that going more than a month between sex is reasonable for men. I agree with the poster who said that the guys in this sad situation should be more proactive about expressing this need to their wives. Even if they don't want more sex, a little compromise is in order (I think) - the women should humor the men (to a point). If that conversation doesn't go well, counseling is probably a good idea. And, it's certainly possible that the women are "withholding" because they have some unfulfilled need or some unexpressed grievance. The men should bring it up but should be ready to listen very carefully to the response.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Oh my god, here comes the evolutionary biology argument again.

Richard Dawkins is going to hell for the lies and half-truths and simplistic answers he promulgated in his book "The Selfish Gene."

Listen people, forget about evolutionary biology. There are thousands of things we do that go against biology. Human sexuality is one of them-- actually, human sexuality is hundreds of them.

A little learning is a dangerous thing.

 

[silver_eyes]

Did a quick survey of some of my female friends and coworkers. Very unscientific, very statistically unreliable, but still interesting. I asked 10 women that I knew (or at least strongly suspected) wouldn't freak out the following 2 questions:
When do you think your sex drive was at it's strongest?
If you think your sex drive has diminished, when do you think it started to diminish?
All 10 women were between 35 and 53.
Seven women said their sex drive had decreased, six of them specifically said their sex drive started going south after they had children. Six of the women who had decreased sex drives had not gone through menapause yet, one had. One woman said her sex drive peaked about 30 and hadn't gone up or down since (she's currently 37). Two women said that their sex drive was never higher than it was now, one is going through menapause now the other is post menapausal.
Hmmmm......

 

[TallOne]

Possible medical problems aside, a lot more has changed since you were dating than just getting older. May not recognize it at a conscious level but you're probably not putting in the effort you did earlier in the relationship. Plus it's Psych 101 that in 90% of couples marital happiness declines once kids show up then climbs when they leave. Both partners need to spend time on each other(date nights or whatever). There will only be time for each other if you make it and that healthy relationship naturally leads to more sex.

Some of the kinkier stuff can become difficult. It's one thing to be doing your boyfriend/husband up the butt with a strap-on and calling him submissive names. It's another when that becomes the father of her children and provider/protector of the family. Need to weasel out and confront any concerns.

Best solution, just don't have any crumb snatchers.

 

[Stella_Omega]

TallOne

it also goes the other way-- Once a woman is responsible for the well-being of her children, she will find herself fighting for respect and responsibility. It is much harder to enjoy being submissive in the bedroom when you have become hyper-aware of the ways in which you are expected to acquiesce in daily life-- especially since so many men try to win arguments by SHOUTING LOUDER THAN SHE CAN.

Even if your relationship escapes that problem-- and many do-- having young people in the house surely puts a crimp in sex, especially when you like your sex loud.

 

[PrettyBiBBW]

If I'm reading correctly, you've been married a while and have more than one young child. You don't say whether your wife works outside the home or is at home with the children all day. In either scenario, that woman is tired and has a LOT on her plate. In no way does that diminish your feelings or needs, but you have got to remember that at this point in her life she's being pulled in several different directions all day long.

One thing that struck me is that you are hiding your online porn and other activities from her, which is a dangerous road to start down. It may be that she not very sexual at this point in her life, but that doesn't mean that she deserves to be in the dark about what your fantasies and thoughts are. Even if it's just a whispered conversation in the dark before you both fall asleep, she's included. She may roll over and go to sleep while you jack off thinking about what you just talked about, but she at least knows that you are meeting your needs this way.

When I had small children (and trust me, it gets worse when they're teenagers) my sex drive was dramatically different and what I found erotic was far far more vanilla than it is now. Like Stella Omega says, people change and what they might have found odd or repulsive before could one day be the hottest thing ever to them. If my husband had told me about his bi fantasies back then, I don't know how I would have reacted. Now I find it incredibly arousing and want to make them happen for him. One thing that has changed is that 3 out of 4 kids are grown and gone out of the house and that makes a big difference in how sexual a woman feels. It's hard to switch gears from mommy to sex goddess of the blow job in the 30 minutes you have after you wrestle the kids into bed and before you have to go to sleep to start it all over again in the morning.

 

[bi golly]

I was married to a woman who seemed to lose interest in sex. I was wrong. She was screwing around and not having sex with me. I couldn't understand it then and I don't understand it now. She didn't have to marry me. She had been married before and she came from a very dysfunctional family. I assumed that she wanted to get better.

Not.

She is a serial marrier and is now on the next husband. She started screwing around in earnest when our son was two. I caught her and she showed no signs of shame or remorse. She had checked out of our marriage and had moved on. I was the only one of us who wasn't clued in.

I don't know if your wife is anything like mine was, but it seems that some women check out of marriages. I don't understand it.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I don't know if your wife is anything like mine was, but mine checked out of our marriage. I don't understand it.

Fixed it for you.

 

[FasrEddie]

you're probably not putting in the effort you did earlier in the relationship

I understand that line of thought.
I admit that due to her lack of desire in Me...
I sometimes find myself trying to decide if it's worth the half an hour of "Foreplay"
( Which means I pet, Stroke & Fondle HER )
just to try to get her in the mood.

I could count on one hand in the last ten years of how many times that she went out of her way to try to get me in the mood.
( And it doesn't take much )

You don't say whether your wife works outside the home or is at home with the children all day. In either scenario, that woman is tired and has a LOT on her plate. In no way does that diminish your feelings or needs, but you have got to remember that at this point in her life she's being pulled in several different directions all day long.

The only problem I have with this point of view is...
I also have a Hard Day.
I work 8-10 hours a day, Lot's of heavy lifting, With a 70 mile round trip comute.
When I get home... I also have all of my chores that have to be done before I can even sit down in my Lazyboy.
So at the end of the day... I'm also Tired, Sore & Stressed out.
But never so tired or sore that I dont want Sex!

 

[MichaelK1]

I’ve noticed in the past 5 years or so my kinkiness is moving in one direction and my wife’s in the other. A little background info. We are in our 30s and have a young family. We have never been an overly sexual couple (by lit standards I would imagine us to be very tame). 5 years or so ago when we were dating we’d have sex more frequently. She used to use our strap-on on me (only a few times but did use it), talk dirty in bed and exchange dirty stories by email. Nothing over the top but I was very happy. It was good enough for me. I never felt she was overly into any of it but at least she tried. Now I’m lucky if I get any sex once or twice a month. A few months ago she was cleaning up our drawers and didn’t like having all the toys we had so she threw out everything except two of our vibrators. I was sad to see our strap-on gone. Despite not being able to enjoy it together I did have some fun time alone with it. I’ll be honest that was a sad day it felt like a blow to the sex life I always held out hope for us having.

Obviously the less sex we have the more I seek to please myself online (note I’d never cheat on her. I could go the rest of my life without sex before I’d cheat on her). Which has me coming to literotica and other sites more often. Which in turn gets my mind going to deviant places I never dreamed it would go to. I never thought I’d be searching for creampie, strapon, shemale, big cock videos and stories to get off to. Yet here I am doing just that. Meanwhile I get the feeling that the less sexual activity my wife has the happier she is. So while I’m heading towards kinkier sexual thoughts and fantasies my wife is moving in completely the opposite direction.

Anyhow I hate to feel alone so I figured why not ask if anyone else is in the same situation. How do you make the best of it? From a few of my pm’s I get the feeling that there are quite a few of us. Hopefully this is a fun, comforting and hot thread

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