Story Discussion: October 21, 2009. "Wildwood ch.01" By Jacks4u

[jacks4u]

Hi all!

This story, I hope to enter into the upcoming "Winter Holidays" contest.

I sent this story to one of the VE's quite some time ago, and Though I gave him plenty of leeway as far time goes, he still has not sent back my story.

I'm presenting an unedited version here, and hope there are no major detractors.

I've been told I'm a terrible conversationalist by some, and been called 'a man of few words' by others. I just don't talk to some people that much. Writing conversation is difficult for me. Emotion is another area I have problems articulating. Please pay attention to these areas, as you read.


Thanks in advance,

Jacks4u

 

[jacks4u]

Wildwood, Ch.01

Disclaimer: While this town actually exists, the author has never been there, and does not know anyone who has. Any resemblance to real people, places or things, other than the name of the town, is purely coincidental. This entire work is a product of the author's mind, and a map of the Northeastern United States.



It was a cool day in mid December, overcast with a chill north wind. The kind of wind that bites into you, creeping through your jacket and scarf, causing you to clutch these things around you tighter. The trees barren, their bony branches reaching silently skyward. The barest of rays from the sun cast diffuse shadows on the frozen ground.

A massive storm was expected to bring up to 4 feet of snow to this frozen community. The weather channel had explained that it should start snowing around 6:00 pm. Definitely not ideal weather for looking at new homes, but this only being a few minutes after noon, there should be plenty of time.

My wife, Erin and I were a few minutes late for the appointment that would change our lives for ever. We were to meet a new real estate agent, Tanya, to look at this one house, a two story red brick house with walk out basement, and a usable loft.

…

Thursday, two days ago, the phone rang unexpectedly, around 4:30 in the afternoon. I reluctantly answered, half expecting some cheesy salesman, but was pleasantly surprised.

“Mr. Fredrickson? I'm Tanya from the real estate office in Graniteville, up here in Vermont. I was reviewing our website, and found your request for a house in our area.” She added, “I have a house that was just listed with us today, in Foxville that I think matches perfectly what you were looking for.”

“Excellent,” I exclaimed, “When can we look at it? We're all the way down in Hartford.”

“How about Saturday? It's about a 4 hour drive, can you make it by noon?” Tanya went on to say, “I'll even open it up early, and turn on the heat.”

“Deal,” I replied, “We'll meet you there around noon.”

“Mr. Fredrickson, do you have a pen and paper?” Tanya asked.

“Please call me Tom, and can you just Email me the address, and perhaps a few photos?,” I replied, “I thought your Website asked for my Email address.”

“Oh, sure, Tom, let me verify that it's correct,” Tanya read my Email address out loud.

“Yes, that's it. Thanks, and We'll be seeing you around noon on Saturday!” I hung up the phone, and went to find Erin, to tell her the good news.

…

"29 East Watson road?” I asked Erin. “Yes, this is it. The one on the right with the little Honda car out front” she was telling me as we approached. I pulled into the drive right behind it, and reluctantly turned of the engine, not wanting to shut off the heater until we had to leave it behind.

We left the car, and went quickly, trying to avoid the chill wind.

Up the steps we went, to the front door, which opened quickly to let us in. “Mr. And Mrs. Fredrickson?” I heard, and looked up into the most gorgeous blue eyes I'd ever seen. Frozen on the spot, my mouth opened, but no sound escaped.

Erin spoke up “You can call me Erin, and you must be Tanya?”

Recovering somewhat, I managed to stammer out “Nice to meet you.” I still couldn't pry my eyes away from hers. When I did finally gain my composure, I noticed my spouse was having a similar problem, though she managed it much better, looking the real estate lady up and down, smiling all the while.

Tanya stood there another second, long enough for me to survey her ample breast and take in the pleasant curve of her hips and shapely legs leading up to her thigh length wool dress. “When this house first showed up on my desk, the first people I thought about were you two. Isn't it lovely?”

I gazed around the room, spying a lovely sunken fireplace and tiled family room, with rails all around, and a pleasing tan carpet on the floor of the entry way and hall. I couldn't help but steal short glances at Tanya, marveling at her fine hour glass figure and shoulder length blond hair framing those gorgeous blue eyes.

“It looks marvelous so far” I replied, while Erin examined the fireplace and glanced around the rest of the room. I could tell she was also stealing glances at our stunning host.

“I like it” stated Erin, direct and to the point..”You gotta show us the rest of the house!”

I could tell, by her voice Erin was excited about it. I also noticed, as she removed her coat and folded it over the railing,. that Erin's nipples were hard as stones, and I suspected, not from the cold outside. Erin had always enjoyed the company of other women, once in a while bringing one girlfriend or another home, where I often enjoyed making love with the two of them.

Did I see a smile on Tanya's lips as she replied “Why certainly! This way to the kitchen and dining area, I think you'll love it also!”?

There before us was a fully furnished dining area, with a cut glass chandelier and graceful Oak table. A large gas cook top sat in the island between the kitchen and dining areas. There were many cupboards and a large open door leading into an amply sized pantry. A large window in the dining room had what would, in the summer, be a fabulous view, but now showed a cold, frosty landscape, trees that had long since lost their leaves.

“Oh, what a nice kitchen,” Erin said, looking around, stealing small glances at Tanya whenever she thought the real estate agent wasn't looking.

I went to the large stainless steel sink, and examined the faucet and sink, then the nearby dishwasher. “Nice, and a garbage disposal!” I pushed the faucet on full blast, to see a generous stream of cold, clear water rush out and down the drain.

Tanya was saying, “This house is listed for $249,000, but I'll bet the seller would take a little less.”

Erin noted, “The pantry still has a lot of canned goods, are they still moving?”

“The sellers moved to the mid-west, and didn't think it prudent to ship the canned goods. They also left some cooking utensils and a few other things they didn't need,” the gorgeous blond replied, “let me show you the rest of the house. The master bedroom and bath are just to die for!”

My sexy wife was still absentmindedly opening cupboards, glancing inside, then back at our lovely host. Erin's long red hair tossed this way and that as she tried to simultaneously look at the cabinets and Tanya. The sight was, in some ways slightly amusing to me, as I'd never seen her this excited. I assume it was not the house she was excited about!

Turning back to glance around the kitchen one more time, I silently took in the scene before me. Erin, obviously attracted to this sexy real estate agent, I'm sure was trying to figure out how to get into her skirts. I was also more than a little aroused, as well, as I tried to guess where the day would take us all.

Through the large window in the dining area, I silently noted that it had started snowing, and we all heard the howl of the wind change pitch. I ignored the weather change, focusing instead in on Tanya's sexy ass, swaying side to side seductively, as she lead us down the hallway.

“Gawd,” I thought, watching Tanya and Erin move down the hallway in front of me. “How I'd love to bed these two beauties, right here and now.”

The master bedroom was not a disappointment. Plush carpeting, the color of rich dark chocolate covered the floor, contrasting somewhat the fine oak paneling. The center of the room was taken up by a huge canopy bed made from uncut logs and tree branches, the bark having been replaced with glossy lacquer. Along the sides, his and hers dressers, both with full length mirrors, matched the bed in every detail. A bay window at one end could be shelved for plants and flowers, or perhaps hold a bench seat.

Tanya stood near the foot of the bed, with a smile on her face, like the cat that ate the canary.

As I glanced at her, I noticed her nipples, like Erin's, hard bumps standing at full attention. She was apparently as aroused as my spouse and I, but seemed to keep her composure a little better.

“The dressers were built into the wall,” Tanya was saying, though I scarcely heard her, “and the sellers didn't want to break up such a well matched bedroom set, so they left the bed.”

Through the bay window, we all took note of the changed weather. The wind and snow had turned into a full fledged blizzard, almost six hours ahead of the weatherman's predictions.

“I thought this storm wasn't supposed to hit until this evening,” I said, voicing everyone's concern. I couldn't help but note the drifts piling up at the end of the drive, and around the cars. “Even now, I'm not sure we could safely drive home, and we haven't even seen the whole house,” I continued.

“Being snowbound here is not so bad, the heat's on, and there are plenty of supplies. There's even some firewood, in the basement, if it comes to that,” our lovely host volunteered.

With that, Erin's smile returned, and she moved to embrace Tanya.

“I think we'll all enjoy the time together,” My wife said, seeing no resistance from the gorgeous real estate agent.

With that, Erin kissed her, tentatively at first, then with more passion, as Tanya returned the kiss.

I stood in amazement, watching Erin and Tanya, as their tongues danced in and out of each other's mouths, locked in an erotic duel. Their hands roamed each other's sensitive spots, cupping a breast here, caressing a nipple there. Hands gripped and kneaded a firm, shapely bottom, then went on to caress and explore elsewhere.

“Tom,” Tanya asked, as they broke their kiss, “Can you be a dear and go down to the basement? There's a few bottles of wine, can you bring some up? I'll make it worth your while, if that's ok with Erin?”

My heart almost leapt out of my chest as she turned to kiss my wife again.

I left them there, locked in their embrace, and turned to explore enough of the house to find the door to the cellar. I heard one of the women moan in delight, as I groped for a light switch for the stairs and beyond. I descended the stairs, reflecting on my apparent good fortune, to be stranded by the untimely bad weather, in this house with my wife, and this stunningly beautiful real estate agent.

At the bottom of the stairs, I paused to glance around, trying to hurry, yet curious about what I would find down here. I could see two large beds, and three doors. A thick, light sandstone colored carpeting covered the floor. I moved around the room to the nearest door, and opened it to see a large bathroom, with a sunken tub or jacuzzi, I couldn't tell which, without inspecting further. The second door opened to what I considered a more traditional cellar, dim lighting and sparse furnishings. Exposed plumbing above, bare concrete on the floor, and unfinished block walls. A small stack of firewood sat there, next to a large wine rack, with about 20 bottles of wine, of various types. I found 3 bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon, and headed back up to the kitchen, to find glasses and a cork screw.

As I opened the door, at the top of the basement stairs, I could hear both women's sighs and moans of delight, interspersed here and there with a giggle or a soft instruction like “Oh, yes! There. Harder... Please?”

As I rifled through the kitchen for a cork screw, I couldn't help but think “I could get to really like this house, especially if the Real Estate lady came with it!”

I finally found both cork screw and glasses, in the dish washer. I turned and almost ran back to the master bedroom, trying hard not to look as though I was in a hurry, though my trousers were tenting slightly, and I definitely wanted to get a piece of that hottie, Tanya.

When I got to the door, I stopped in mid-stride, to behold the scene on the bed. Their cries of passion were more muffled now, though more urgent as each neared climax. The women were in a 69 position, pleasuring each other crossways on the bed. Erin was on top, with her cute little rose bud visible above Tanya's blond hair. Each was eagerly licking and sucking the other's pussy with wild abandon, and I just stood there and watched, my cock slowly stiffening.

In a few moments, Tanya paused in her efforts to pleasure my hot little redhead, her head fell back to the sheets, with her eyes closed. Her moans and sighs reached a fevered pitch as she neared climax, her unseeing eyes open and gazing directly at me. Suddenly, Tanya's whole body stiffened, and started trembling and twitching, dancing to Erin's tongue.

Recovering somewhat from her climax, Tanya attacked my wife's pussy and clit with some urgency, her tongue circled Erin's slick and glistening pussy, then moved down to suckle and lick at her clit. Tanya inserted a finger then two between Erin's pussy lips, and started slowly moving them in and out, in time with her tongue, and finally brought her other hand up and firmly pressed a finger into Erin's tight little rose bud. Erin began to orgasm, her pussy spasming around Tanya's tongue, the rest of her body tensed in her release, before totally collapsing onto our sexy real estate agent, spent for the moment.

I suddenly realised that I'd been staring, as if in a trance. I now had a full erection tenting my drawers, but ignored this and set to work opening a bottle of wine, pouring 3 glasses. As I turned to serve the two women, Erin slowly slid off of Tanya, and both turned and sat on the side of the bed.

I handed both fully naked women their drinks, then paused a moment, looking each up and down. Tanya sat there, her shoulder length blond hair framing those gorgeous blue eyes, a hint of Erin's juices evident on her chin and nose. Definitely more than enough firm, pale breast for any man, with rose red aureoles and nipples standing at full attention, like little erasers. Further down, her long shapely legs were slightly parted, showing me her smoothly shaved pussy, still glistening from their passion, her deep red pussy lips protruded slightly. But those eyes! Those awesome blue eyes called me back up her sexy torso, where I noticed a crinkle around each, as Tanya smiled broadly, inviting me to sample her passions.

Instinctively, I glanced over at Erin, taking stock of her as well while searching for permission and approval. Erin's long red hair complimented her sparsely freckled complexion, and contrasted nicely her emerald green eyes. Small brownish nipples, still erect from their recent lovemaking, sat atop crinkled aureoles and large erect tits, like two bullseyes inviting a lover to aim there. Further down, a small butterfly tattoo sat slightly above, and to the side of Erin's sparse red landing strip. She kept that landing strip, always, as proof to anyone that yes, her red hair was natural, and she was proud of it. Long, slender, though well muscled legs led from her immaculately groomed pussy, it's lips pink and swollen, shiny from Tanya's ministrations a few moments before. Erin winked at me, and smiled, as if to say “Go for it!”

This was heaven. Even as the weather outside had turned into a frozen hell, I was a happy man. Stranded in what hopefully would be out new house, with not one, but two gorgeous women, ready, willing, and able to satisfy any lover. The rest would take care of it's self, in time.

Tanya stood and sat her drink on the dresser, then embraced me, kissing me deeply. Her tongue caressed my lips, and I met it with my own. Our tongues danced this way and that, sometimes mine in her mouth, caressing or wrapping around her tongue. Other times it was her tongue in my mouth. I tasted her sweet breath, the wine, and just a hint of Erin's sex. Soon my hands were cupping and caressing Tanya's breasts and lightly pinching her nipples. She responded, her tongue dancing at a fevered pace, as she groped first for the buttons of my shirt, then palmed and caressed my now aching cock. I was so hard, it actually hurt.

Suddenly she pulled back from our kiss,and Tanya pushed me backwards, onto the bed and began unfastening my pants. Erin joined in, and soon I was laying there, cock standing at full attention. I closed my eyes, taking in the sensations of two sets of lips, two tongues kissing and licking my cock. Two sets of hands caressing my thighs and balls, squeezing now and again, but ever so softly.

I lifted my head to see Tanya's full lips engulf my cock and swallow it all the way to the base, those blue eyes looked at me and smiled the whole way down and back up. She then twirled her head a couple times and went back down. Erin was eagerly licking and kissing my balls, and chasing Tanya back up my pole with her tongue. My wife then licked around the head of my dick, and swallowed it. When it was almost out of her mouth, she bobbed her head a few times. Their mouths met in a kiss, with my cock between both sets of beautiful lips, and their tongues played over the head of my cock and each other's lips.

“Easy, Tanya, there's enough here for the both of us, Tom cums real quickly like this” Erin said, between slurps.

In fact, I was getting close, and silently thanked them both for slowing down a little bit. I tilted my head back, and closed my eyes.

Soon the weight on the bed shifted, and I opened my eyes to see the most beautiful shaved pussy being lowered to my face. The aroma of Tanya's sex was intoxicating. I lifted my head to lightly kiss her upper thighs, then lick and kiss closer and closer to her moist, inviting pussy. Both women were still enjoying my cock, licking, kissing and taking it into their mouths. I felt Tanya's large, firm breasts brush lightly on my stomach as she swallowed my cock to the hilt. She stiffened as I finally licked the outer folds of her pussy. I was rewarded with a gasp and a taste of her sweet, tangy sex.

Tanya gasped again, as I slid my tongue up and down her slit, lightly licking her clit, at the bottom, and circling the entrance to her pussy at the top. I buried my tongue in her sex, as far as I could, my chin pressed firmly to her little pink clit, and shook my head from side to side. Tanya let my cock slip from her mouth as she arched her back to more fully enjoy the face fucking I was giving her.

Erin slowly lowered her head onto my cock, as I shifted focus and sucked Tanya's clit into my mouth, firmly flicking it with my tongue. A few drops of Tanya's juices were making their way down from her open love tunnel. I licked upwards, circled her tunnel, and stabed inside, then went back to once again suck in her clit.

Tanya's moans of delight, and Erin's slurping at my cock were all I could hear, the howl of wind drowned out by our passionate lovemaking. The blizzard outside was all but forgotten as we three continued to pleasure each other.

Erin joined Tanya on the bed. She slowly lowered herself onto my hard cock and started riding it, slowly thrusting her hips back and forth. Her moans and coos joined Tanya's as I stabbed at Tanya's clit, and slowly traced the circle of her opening with a finger. I kept up my efforts on Tanya's clit, and inserted a finger, then two into her pussy, and slowly moved them in and out, in time with my tongue, and Erin's thrusts.

“Oh god, Oh god, I'm comeing,” Tanya cried out as she pressed her pussy more firmly into my face, and clamped her smooth legs around my head. My fingers had been forced out of her hot pussy, but I found her tight little rose bud, and pressed my thumb into it, strumming it like a guitar string. “Oh my god, I'm comeing, fuck my ass,” Tanya moaned. I pushed my thumb into her spasming pucker hole. She stiffened in her release and finally eased up enough that I could breathe. Our hot real estate agent collapsed into Erin's arms as I licked at her pussy slowly, from one end to the other.

Tanya lifted up onto her knees, allowing me a view, between her thighs, of the bottom of her large firm breasts and my wife's gorgeous face and tits.

Erin's eyes were closed, concentrating on her own pleasure, her generous tits bounced and giggled with every thrust, but were soon covered. Tanya's hands squeezed and caressed those firm globes, pausing only to flick or twist Erin's fully engorged nipples.

Soon Erin's thrusts reached a fevered pitch. Erin fucked herself faster and faster on my hard cock, and I met her every thrust, slamming our bodies together.

“Yes, Yes pinch 'em. Harder. Yes! Like that. Oh god! I'm ccumming! Fuck me! Faster! Yes! Pin... ,” Erin's cries of passion were silenced, as Tanya forced their mouths together. Soon Erin stiffened, and broke their kiss, shaking her head side to side, in the throes of a major orgasm. I kept pushing into her, though slowing down gradually as Erin's thrusts became erratic, then stopped altogether. Erin and Tanya both collapsed sideways, onto the bed, their passions spent for the moment.

I turned over and crawled around behind Tanya, and started kissing her neck and ears, caressing the side of her exposed tit and nipple. Our new lover turned her head and kissed me, pushing her tongue into my mouth. Her hand moved behind her, to my now glistening cock and gave it a squeeze, then moved to my ass, where she pulled me closer to her.

“Fuck me with that big cock of yours,” Tanya said, pulling me yet closer to her sex.

“Oh, right away, ma'am,” I replied, pretending to be some customer service flunkey. She raised her leg and wrapped it around my own, as I pushed slowly into her moist love tunnel. Tanya moaned softly as I pushed into her, more and more urgently. After more than a few full strokes, I re-positioned the sexy real estate agent on her back, missionary style. Her legs spread, inviting me to continue fucking her hot, juicy pussy.

I started out with long slow strokes, pulling back, until just the head of my cock was inside her, then slowly pushing all the way in. After a few strokes like that, I picked up the pace some.

Erin finally recovered, and positioned herself on her knees, over Tanya's eager mouth, her hands on Tanya's generous tits, with just the nipples poking out between her fingers.

The real estate agent lifted her head to lick and suck at my wife's exposed pussy, as Erin tenderly kissed me.

We continued our love making for a few minutes, until suddenly my need was upon me. I was ramming my cock into Tanya's pussy, and she met each stroke, thrusting her hips faster and more forcefully with each stroke. The room was filled with moans and sighs, punctuated with a new sound as our bodies met and my balls slapped against Tanya's finely sculpted ass.

“Oh, god I'm close,” I announced to my two lovers, as I added more and more force to my thrusts.

“Fuck my pussy, fuck it hard. Oh! Yea, that's it. Cum for me, Tom, fill my pussy with your cum” I heard, as if in a fog.

“Fuck her, Tom, fuck her with that big fat cock of yours. Feel her tight, wet pussy fucking you back.”

My eyes were closed in concentration as my cock rammed in and out of Tanya's shaved pussy.

“Oh god, Oh god, Yes!” Tanya's cries mixed with my wife's encouragements and my own cries of passion. “I'm cumming! I'm cumming! Oh god,” I heard as I shot load after load of hot cum deep inside Tanya's pussy. She was climaxing with me, tossing her head this way and that as her pussy spasmed around my cock, milking it for all it was worth.

I slowly collapsed into Tanya's bosom as Erin stroked my wet, sweaty hair. I kissed Tanya, and our tongues met weakly, as we lay there, spent for the moment.

“Tanya, darlin',” I broke my slumber, “you don't seem to be new to this, not at all.”

“Ummm, what 'this' are you talking about, lover?” she replied with a smile.

“Well, swtteie, you seem as comfortable between Erin's legs as you are between mine.”

Chuckling, The cute blond replied “Oh, that 'this'. Let me just say that when it gets really cold, many of our neighbors keep warm by friction and body heat.” She winked at me to punctuate her statement.

Erin raised up on one elbow, and lifted an eyebrow in a question, “You mean... .”

Smiling, Tanya replied “Yep, we get together at one house or another, and enjoy each other's company,” she grabbed both of her tits and squeezed lightly, “These make wonderful ear muffs.”

“To be sure!” I perked up, “I'd be glad to wear those, no matter what the weather.” I got an elbow in the side, from Erin, for my eagerness, I suppose.

“Earl and Jen, the sellers, had to move to Washington, because of his job. They just hated to leave all their friends and this wonderful house. We've had so many awesome parties here...,” Erin's voice trailed off, in remembrance of good times.

The light, for me, showed through the fog. “And the bedroom in the basement...,” I asked.

Tanya explained, “Earl called that his romper room, and you'll find one of the doors leads to a basement garage, that's just perfect for about ten snow mobiles.”

Erin piped in, asking again “You mean the whole town swings?” She just couldn't fathom what Tanya was telling us.

“Well, yea! In the dead of winter,” the real estate agent replied, “there's scarcely anything else to do. I mean, there's only about sixty people here, including 20 children,” Tanya smiled as she recited the demographics of this unincorporated town. “There's only three couples that I know of that keep to themselves.”

My wife asked, “But what about the kids, how does that work out?”

“Oh, we have volunteer sitters, those with children take turns. The kids think it's so cool, they all get to sleep over at one friend's house or another.” Tanya explained.

“I'll bet y'all have some awesome parties. I think Tom and I'd like it here, a lot,” My wife replied.

“And as long as there's a good internet connection, I only have to go to Hartford one day a week,” I added, “But if the roads are bad, I think I can beg off a week, now and again.”

“You may have to, often.” The real estate agent continued, “Dan, over at the liquor store is good buddies with the snow plow crews. Says they always leave our roads until last. I think he set it up that way, so that we could all play together longer. He's such a slut!”

“I'd like to meet 'em all,” I replied.

“Definitely, it sounds like we'd like it here,” Erin seconded.

“You want me to get a party going? I'll bet I could have seven or eight of your new neighbors here in fifteen minutes, and I'll bet they bring dinner too!” Tanya was way too eager, and I think the prospect of another romp was arousing her, her nipples were standing hard, at attention.

Erin replied for me, “Not yet, Tanya, I'd like to look around a little more.”

With that, My redhead got up and went to the bathroom. I gave Tanya a light kiss, and followed Erin.

The bathroom was big, tiled completely in beige or sandstone. With a floor drain near one corner, where a showerhead poked out the wall. Clearly, this shower could handle many people. There wasn't even a curtain to confine the shower! The other corner had a large, sunken bath, with jacuzzi jets all around.

Erin thought out loud “You could have a whole party in this bathroom! How wonderful.”

I could tell she was turned on by the possibilities.

Tanya walked in, just then. She'd put her top on, but hadn't buttoned it, the tails playing hide and seek with her bare pussy. “And we have! Oh Lordie, the parties we've had, right here in this shower!”

She paused a moment, then, “The controls for the tub are on that waterproof remote” she pointed to an eight inch long cylinder, with little bumps for buttons. Her breasts jiggled erotically as she talked.

“That looks just about right for... ,” my nude wife replied.

“Yep, and it even vibrates. I'll show you how it works later. Would you like a towel to wrap up in?” Tanya reached into a cabinet, and presented each of us with large white towels.

“Yea, thanks hun,” Erin replied, and we both wrapped up.

I opened a few cabinets. This bathroom wasn't fully stocked, but there were several towels and wash cloths, and other things you'd expect. Shampoos and soaps and the like.

“I wanna see the rest of the house,” Erin turned and we both followed, me bringing up the rear, eyes on Tanya's wonderfully firm ass swinging from side to side as she followed Erin.

I thought again, as we climbed the stairs, “If outside is a frozen hell, this must be heaven on earth.” I couldn't pry my eyes away from Tanya's shaved pussy, moist from our recent passions, only inches from my face, winking at me with every step.

We paused on the second floor, and looked inside each of two bedrooms, each with oak paneling and a plush, cream colored carpet. The unfurnished rooms shared a bathroom that was generous, but not nearly as large as the master bath.

Soon we climbed the stairs again, Erin leading the way to the loft

“Oh my god!” Erin exclaimed as she topped the stairs, and took in the scene before her. “Tom, you gotta see this! It's so...”

There, lining the walls on either side of the room were comfortable looking couches, but that wasn't where my wife was looking, a hand over her open mouth, her nipples fully erect and straining against the fabric of the towel.

There, between the couches, a window spanned the entire wall, We looked out at the raging blizzard that had stranded us here. The view was of the down hill side of the house, with tall trees, now completely covered in snow, framing the view.

“This is the most wonderful view,” the real estate agent told us, “there are no houses or roads down there, except a large meadow. In the summer, the windows can be opened up, Earl even had a barbecue up here.”

“This view makes me so... horney,” Tanya turned and embraced both of us, one hand on Tanya's now exposed breast.

She kissed me deeply, her tongue searching for mine, and finding suitable response, dallied there a short time. Her hand tugged at my towel, and let it drop to the floor. My wife then turned to Tanya, and kissed her deeply, their tongues darting in and out of each other's mouths. Erin's hand stroked my cock to life, as I turned sideways and cupped each gal's ass in a hand. I kissed and nipped at a neck here, an ear there, all the while kneading and caressing both women's firm ass cheeks and pussies.

Tanya was caressing Erin's tits, through her towel, when it came loose, and slowly slid down long, shapely legs, to the floor.

I couldn't help but notice the contrast between Erin's pale skin and deep red landing strip, and the cold dark of the outside. I felt like we were making love out doors, in a bubble, the blizzard raging all around us.

Tanya soon dropped to squat in front of me, caressing my thighs and cock. My tongue searched out Tanya's, my hands squeezing and caressing the sexy blond's tits and nipples. Soon, My wife took my suddenly engorged member into her mouth and ran her tongue around the swollen head a few times. My hands roamed over the real estate agent's breasts, stomach, and pussy.

I soon found the entrance to Tanya's pussy, and pushed in a finger, then two and slowly pushed them in and out several times. Erin took my cock deep into her mouth, then slowly withdrew it, again and again. Her tongue circled the head of my cock, then licked rapidly at the underside of it, before sucking me in again, to the hilt.

Suddenly, she stood, then bent over the arm of the nearest couch. “Fuck me, Tom. I need you in me. Now.”

Breaking my kiss with Tanya, I moved behind my wife, and easily pushed my cock all the way into her well lubricated pussy. Erin gasped at the suddenness of it, and was soon moaning in delight as I slowly moved in and out of her tight pussy.

Erin motioned Tanya to the couch, and the blond slid, on her back, so that Erin could lick and suck her pussy. With each thrust, I pushed Erin into Tanya's pussy, and both women were gasping and moaning with delight.

“Faster, Tom. Ohhaa...Yes! Fuck me! Oh god. Oh god. Oh yesss.” Erin moaned in cadence with my thrusts.

“Ohhh, suck...harder. Yea, yea, there. Ohgod ohgod ohgod.” Tanya gasped out, in response to Erin's tongue and fingers working magic on her pussy and clit.

I picked up the pace again, and thrust into Erin's pussy with wild abandon. Every thrust pushed Erin face first into Tanya's spread open pussy, where she licked and sucked the real estate agent's clit and slit, all the while pushing two or three fingers into Tanya's pussy.

“Oh God, I'm comeing, I'm comeing, Oh yes, Oh There it is” Tanya closed her eyes tightly, and shook her head from side to side, as her body tensed in climax.

I was, by now pounding into Erin's pussy with incredible force and speed. The sight of our blond real estate agent, overcome by her climax pushed me over the edge. I felt my balls tighten up. “I'm there. I'm comeing. Gawd, I'm comeing,” I gasped, my thrusts now were irregular, as my body took on a life of it's own. .

“Give it to me! Yes, that's it, Cum in my pussy, Cum in me, Oh yes!” Erin gasped as spurt after spurt of my hot cum filled her pussy, triggering her own orgasm.

We all laid there, Tanya stroking Erin's hair, and me slumped over my wife's back, for what seemed like a blissful eternity. The storm raged just a few feet away, snow swirling and streaking sideways into drifts that all but buried everything except the tallest trees.

After a while, I stood and retrieved my towel. Erin also stood and wrapped up, then sat down, near Tanya's head. I lifted the real estate agent's legs, and sat under them, slowly stroking the insides of her creamy white thighs.

A loud growl from the general direction of Erin's stomach, interrupting our reverie.

“You must both must be famished,” Tanya said, pointing out what was now obvious.

“Yea, we had a quick bite this morning before starting out,” I replied, “but that was a long time ago.”

“Unfortunately,” Tanya stated, “all that's here are the few canned goods you saw in the pantry, and some wine. While we could survive on that, I'll bet Sharon and Bill next door will have something better in mind.”

“But,” Erin asked, “isn't the weather a problem? I mean, they could freeze to death between there and here.”

“Noo, they've traveled farther in worse weather than this for a good party.” Tanya made it sound like the frozen hell outside was no big deal. “They have some very warm parkas, and I'll bet they could walk from their house to here, blind folded.”

“Well, at least, let us dress first, I'd feel funny meeting our new neighbors wrapped in a towel.” Erin was a little conservative in some things.

We all headed downstairs to the master bedroom, and dressed, while Tanya told us all about Sharon and Bill.

“Sharon's a cute little thing, barely over four feet tall, but she's got some knockers, damn nice tits, all natural too. She works out in their basement gym. Bill's pretty muscular, a big lumber jack type.” Tanya continued, “two of the nicest people you'll ever meet. Bill does something with computers, got a whole room full of the things, and a backup generator. He even sells internet to the rest of the town, at really good prices.”

About then, we finished dressing, then headed to the front room, where Tanya's purse was. I brought the rest of the wine, and handed each of the women their glass.

I set to work lighting a fire, while Tanya called the neighbors, and Erin looked through the kitchen and pantry for food.

“Hey Sharon,” Tanya spoke into her cell phone, “I'm over here at Earl and Jen's showing the house to Tom and Erin. Yea, they came up from Hartford this morning to see this one house, and all hell broke loose with the weather.” She paused, listening, “Supposed to blow over by morning, huh? Good. Sharon, what can you rustle up for a dinner? No, not since breakfast. About a half hour? Be sure to bring Bill, he'll really like these guys. Love ya too.”

Turning off the phone, Tanya explained, “They'll come in through the basement, in about a half hour.”

“So, we should go down and see what it's like,” Erin replied, “and greet our neighbors, when they arrive.”

 

[jacks4u]

Questions, Wildwood, ch.01

I won't argue that this story needs a good editor. When I look at it I don't see mis-matched quote marks and out of place commas. Instead I usually digress to rewriting portions, rehashing issues I have with the story it's self.

I plan to perhaps modify the story somewhat depending on comments here, then submit the whole shebang to another editor - any volunteers?

As you might have guessed from my initial post, dialog is something I'm concerned with:

1.) Is the dialog believable? ie: would similar people in similar situations actually say similar things?

2.) Is the narrator too quiet?​

Emotion and tension are some other things that seem to be important:

3.) Did I succeed in conveying an initial tension, in that both husband and wife were trying to figure out how to get in the real estate lady's pants?

4.) Did I succeed in conveying an initial nervousness about the weather?​

Some unrelated bits:

5.) Did I cop out, do the reader a disservice when the barriers broke down, and he was sent to the basement, while the good parts were just beginning?

6.) Were the sex scenes realistic? hot? or flat?
​

And finally overall quality:

7.) Were there any real deal breakers? things that pulled you out of it?

8.) What was one thing you liked? (I'd like to know if there's any redeeming quality to this work at all or if I should just aim for the circular file... ​

Anything else? please feel free to comment on areas I didn't specifically ask about - I'm on a learning adventure, and every little bit helps

This is only my second story, and I would hope that it's markedly better than the first...


Thanks,
Jacks4u

 

[ellabee]

Hey, jacks!

Congrats on writing your second story! While this wasn't my favorite, you definitely have natural talent as a writer. I've seen "unedited" versions of stories before, and they are atrocious with the spelling and grammar. So thanks!

Just a few little things I found: You spelling "coming" wrong, twice, and then spelled it as "ccuming" a while later. First the homeowners moved to the Midwest, and then to Washington. Tanya opens the door in a wool sweater dress, and then leaves her shirt unbuttoned in the bathroom. Etc. A few consistency errors you'll want to fix.

1.) Is the dialog believable? ie: would similar people in similar situations actually say similar things?

It is believable to an extent. I didn't notice anything wrong with the dialogue per se, but it lacks a certain snappiness. It's not boring, but not very interesting; it's a bit repetitive at times. I also found the premise to be weak, so perhaps strengthening the premise would give your characters more to say. More on the back story later.

2.) Is the narrator too quiet?

The narrator does not really contribute much to the conversation; then again, neither do the two females. He's a quiet guy, but I can't imagine a swinger husband would be quiet, you know? It seems like a task that requires an extrovert, especially if it is something he partakes in regularly.

So, I guess, yes, he's too quiet. Don't have him say more, though, if it isn't all that interesting

I'm going to answer the next two together:

3.) Did I succeed in conveying an initial tension, in that both husband and wife were trying to figure out how to get in the real estate lady's pants?
4.) Did I succeed in conveying an initial nervousness about the weather?

There was tension? What tension? I didn't sense any tension. The real estate lady and the wife wasted no time getting into the 69 position.

Seriously. Have you ever toured a house before? It takes about thirty minutes to an hour. To get through two rooms and a foyer takes maximum ten minutes. Ten minutes. And then the wife and the real estate agent are making out. That is not tension.

There needs to be a story here, at least if you'd like to become a better writer. At least give us some background on the people involved instead of "they are hot." Are the husband and wife newlyweds? Mid-thirties? High school sweethearts? Thrice divorced? Are they allergic to pickles? Did they take a vacation up in Vermont and that's why they want to move to this tiny town? Are they ski buffs? Do they have a dog? Cat? Four bratty kids? Did the wife experiment with chicks in college? Did the husband make her do it? How'd they get into swinging, anyways? Was it a thirtieth birthday present? A drunken evening at the bar? Is there tension in the marriage? Do the two argue all the time?

What about the real estate agent? Did she grow up in this town, or did she move there for the maple syrup? Does she wear flannel PJ pants or a lace nightie to bed? Does she have a husband?

Is there tension in the real estate agent's life? She's perfect looking and not insecure on the surface...but was she abused by an ex and now she can't keep serious with one person? Why'd she think the couple would be perfect for the house?

I've tried to give you a few ideas about adding some sexual background to the story. Thinking about the non-visual bits adds a lot more spice to the story. Have you ever heard the phrase "the mind is the body's largest sex organ?" Well, the mind houses all of the senses but touch. Try to stimulate as much of your reader's brain as you can - the ratings go up.


5.) Did I cop out, do the reader a disservice when the barriers broke down, and he was sent to the basement, while the good parts were just beginning?

Not really. It foreshadowed a bit of the town's erotic scene. Other than that, sending the husband down or keeping him in the bedroom does not alter the plot.

6.) Were the sex scenes realistic? hot? or flat?

You gave your readers three sex scenes with two very attractive women and a well-endowed man. They went to town and everybody came.

And I was bored.

Perhaps because there was no plot to the story, perhaps because I felt like I was reading a choreography script (Person A at position X, pirouettes to position Y, sticks flap P in slot V, etc.). I couldn't get into it very much.

Well, okay, a little.

For example, I really liked this line:
and pressed my thumb into it, strumming it like a guitar string.

But it was preceded by "tight little rose bud." As a woman, I can't think of something less sexy to call my ass hole. It is not a rose bud. It's my ass. Stick a finger up it, if you please, and I'll be quavering like Celine Dion singing the Titanic song, but don't call it anything cute. It's sexy...because it's not.

Pet peeve? Sorry. There's a fine line between "I've said pussy fifty-eight times" and "I'm Nora Roberts, writing a romance novel." There are many, many guides for the types of synonyms Rogets can't publish.


7.) Were there any real deal breakers? things that pulled you out of it?

I like how you tried to keep describing things, but it's better to show rather than tell. Don't tell me three times that the real estate agent has shoulder-length blonde hair and your wife has a deep-red landing strip. Tell me instead how the ends of those bottled platinum strands tickle your groin, or how all you can see when you look up is the curve of her ass and the sway of her honey-colored hair sashaying across the question marks of her shoulder blades as she sways to the music of your sex. You tweak her ass like a guitar string. Crescendo.

It's very early and this probably isn't helping much (sleep makes me more coherent, usually). Hopefully I've given you a few good ideas.

8.) What was one thing you liked? (I'd like to know if there's any redeeming quality to this work at all or if I should just aim for the circular file...

Never, never, never throw away a piece of writing! Writing is a work in progress. You have a solid sex story. Does it need work? Of course.

But most of the grammar is in place, except for a few stray typos. You have a solid idea of what is hot to many Literotica readers, and the setting has potential as a good multi-chapter group sex story. And since you're inviting over the new neighbors, were you thinking of switching narration for each chapter? Have Linda and whats-his-name give a play by play of the fun?

Potential, my dear Jacks. You have a solid start and enough good elements to make the story into something above average. And that's why you're here, right?

If you do need help editing, I'd be happy to clean up your draft grammatically for you. I can do it sometime today, if you'd like.

<3 Ella.

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Jacks,

Thanks for sharing your work with us again.

1.) Is the dialog believable? ie: would similar people in similar situations actually say similar things?
I found the dialog to be a little on the stiff side, but that's actually believable since they're looking at a prospective new home with a stranger they both have the hots for.

Even stiff dialog can be effective, if it's realistic.
“When this house first showed up on my desk, the first people I thought about were you two. Isn't it lovely?” This seems unlikely to be true, since they haven't even met, but I can so see a salesperson saying it. Did you mean to show her in this way?

2.) Is the narrator too quiet?
Not if he's simply a quiet person. I also believed him to be a trusting person based on this line: “Excellent,” I exclaimed, “When can we look at it? We're all the way down in Hartford.”From someone less trusting, I would have expected something like, "Really? Tell me more about it." So did you mean for him to be trusting and quiet?

3.) Did I succeed in conveying an initial tension, in that both husband and wife were trying to figure out how to get in the real estate lady's pants?
I never felt any tension, nor did I notice the couple actively trying to seduce the other woman. Ogling, yes. Seducing, no.

4.) Did I succeed in conveying an initial nervousness about the weather?
Instead of worrying about the weather when he first sees the snow, he's thinking about a threesome. There's nothing inherently unrealistic about that, but I certainly didn't get the impression he was nervous about the storm. For what it's worth, I've never heard of a forecast for four feet of snow. I thought they were silly traveling such a distance with a blizzard for the ages on the way.

7.) Were there any real deal breakers? things that pulled you out of it?
The lack of conflict limited my interest. I want more in a story than beautiful persons meeting and having sex.

8.) What was one thing you liked?
I appreciated how you attempted to foreshadow your plot devices.

Anything else?

Does that opening prologue really add anything? Is there any reason not just start with the phone call, or even the couple pulling up to look at the house? Why even attempt to establish the setting for one winter day, only to skip back a couple of days? There's no reason the characters couldn't cover the pending storm with a few lines of dialog when they meet at the house- it'd be a natural thing to discuss considering their long drive home.

Turning back to glance around the kitchen one more time, I silently took in the scene before me. Erin, obviously attracted to this sexy real estate agent, I'm sure was trying to figure out how to get into her skirts. I was also more than a little aroused, as well, as I tried to guess where the day would take us all.
For me, this is a little too telly. I think you can trust your reader a bit more. I'd like to simply see what Erin does, not be told how she feels.

This is only my second story...
Whether you succeeded with your second tale depends on your objective. If the goal is a simple stroke story, I think it works. While the characters didn't engage me, they are believable and the story is easy to follow. Sure, there are numerous minor editing issues, but that's to be expected with a first draft.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[jacks4u]

Ella,

Thanks so very much for your comments and suggestions. I don't see a need to edit right this second, as I'll just screw it all up with modifications, then have to fix it all again. I was actually asking about some time in the future - say a couple or 3 weeks out...

By your comments, you seem to indicate that I need to develop the characters more, turn them into flesh and blood, so to speak, complete with perhaps some emotional background? at least a little more history to add basis for their behavior. I'll have to think on that some - it's a non-trivial task, IMHO. But this is exactly the kind of feedback I need right now.

I have worked some on ch.2, there's some background that ummm Bill, Shirley er ummm Sharon (appologies ed. for accuracy...), and Tanya share with the others. basically, it goes something like this - back some years ago, when there was a major fuel shortage, price wars, etc... the townsfolk ran out of fuel and food, and survived a severe storm or three, via body head and cum. the necessities of keeping warm, and having 'something' to eat brought them all to the point of 'sharing', and surviving. I think I should develop this a little more, and somehow incorporate it into the first chap. Here, I think it would be more advantageous to have a 3rd person narrator... or perhaps a scene break, where Tanya was recalling this. hmmm lots to think about.

And the sex - Here I'll have to work harder at showing. I didn't intend this story to be a stroke story, but rather something else, entirely.

Certainly enough material for multiple chapters, though I only realized that after about 1500 words.


Thanks, Ella, for your thought provoking comments, Of course, I'll wait some for other comments, then 'go to town'


Jacks

 

[ellabee]

There's a back story that takes place to this story?

You might want to try to make this story written in third person omniscient or limited omniscient and lace in snippets of sex while in Tanya's head.

Sorry if my commentary came out a bit harsh; I was a little hopped up on energy supplements and I tend to focus on the "details" when I'm like that. I did think it had potential.

I'm not an official Lit editor (my app has been stuck in the "pending" file for over a year) but I do editing for fiction and non-fiction work for a living. I'd be willing to lend a hand...just holler.

<3 Ella

 

[jacks4u]

Ella,

There's a back story that takes place to this story?

Indeed, and as I ponder it further, I think it might have quite a lot of potential as a multi chapter story, as well.

Sorry if my commentary came out a bit harsh; I was a little hopped up on energy supplements and ...

Don't be! Direct, specific and to the point is actually what I expect in a good critique. I do appreciate your honesty without a sugar coating to get in the way.

I'd be willing to lend a hand...just holler.

I'll give you a pm, when I think it's ready, thanks for the offer.


Jacks

 

[jacks4u]

Even stiff dialog can be effective, if it's realistic.
“When this house first showed up on my desk, the first people I thought about were you two. Isn't it lovely?” This seems unlikely to be true, since they haven't even met, but I can so see a salesperson saying it. Did you mean to show her in this way?

I was actually visualizing a small town, perhaps 30 or 40 houses and a small number of shops. This is important, because a thriving real estate market there would be almost nonexistent. I'd pictured, in my mind, the narrator and his spouse shopping the web for a house, and filling out some sort of contact form. and perhaps "the first people I thought about..." were in fact, the only people showing any interest... Perhaps I need to expound upon that a bit...

Not if he's simply a quiet person. I also believed him to be a trusting person based on this line: “Excellent,” I exclaimed, “When can we look at it? We're all the way down in Hartford.”From someone less trusting, I would have expected something like, "Really? Tell me more about it." So did you mean for him to be trusting and quiet?

Perhaps you're right there. I envision him as kind of a geeky type, software developer or some other IT suit, but not an executive or manager type. So, yea trusting and quiet, to a point.

I never felt any tension, nor did I notice the couple actively trying to seduce the other woman. Ogling, yes. Seducing, no.

Obviously, more work is needed here. perhaps some dialog with Tanya, perhaps responses, as she notices both of them, obviously interested in her sexually. But 1st person here hurts me, in that I can only write about the narrator's POV

Instead of worrying about the weather when he first sees the snow, he's thinking about a threesome. There's nothing inherently unrealistic about that, but I certainly didn't get the impression he was nervous about the storm. For what it's worth, I've never heard of a forecast for four feet of snow. I thought they were silly traveling such a distance with a blizzard for the ages on the way.

More work here. The storm's important, When Erin realizes it hit early, and they are now 'stuck', she 'goes for it'. Here's where the back story would have some meaning, in Tanya's response to Erin, at the beginning of the first sex scene. Perhaps it is a bit imprudent for them to be traveling on such a day as this. I really do need to work on it a bit.

The lack of conflict limited my interest. I want more in a story than beautiful persons meeting and having sex

.
I was hoping for more than 'Porn in Prose', and will have to find a way...

I appreciated how you attempted to foreshadow your plot devices.

but, sadly, I did so, unintentionally...

Does that opening prologue really add anything? Is there any reason not just start with the phone call, or even the couple pulling up to look at the house? Why even attempt to establish the setting for one winter day, only to skip back a couple of days? There's no reason the characters couldn't cover the pending storm with a few lines of dialog when they meet at the house- it'd be a natural thing to discuss considering their long drive home.

My objective here was to put the reader in crappy day, with very inclement weather just over the horizon, but perhaps the phone conversation is actually the wrong backstory...

Whether you succeeded with your second tale depends on your objective. If the goal is a simple stroke story, I think it works. While the characters didn't engage me, they are believable and the story is easy to follow. Sure, there are numerous minor editing issues, but that's to be expected with a first draft.

Thanks, Penny, I really appreciate your thought provoking comments, and views.


Jacks

 

[Penelope Street]

I was actually visualizing a small town, perhaps 30 or 40 houses and a small number of shops. This is important, because a thriving real estate market there would be almost nonexistent. I'd pictured, in my mind, the narrator and his spouse shopping the web for a house, and filling out some sort of contact form. and perhaps "the first people I thought about..." were in fact, the only people showing any interest... Perhaps I need to expound upon that a bit...

Perhaps I need to expound upon my point: I think your dialog works the way it is.

Perhaps you're right there. I envision him as kind of a geeky type, software developer or some other IT suit, but not an executive or manager type. So, yea trusting and quiet, to a point.

Mission accomplished.

I never felt any tension, nor did I notice the couple actively trying to seduce the other woman. Ogling, yes. Seducing, no.

Obviously, more work is needed here. perhaps some dialog with Tanya, perhaps responses, as she notices both of them, obviously interested in her sexually. But 1st person here hurts me, in that I can only write about the narrator's POV

An ideal perspective choice is a minor issue compared to the overall lack of tension- at least for me. What happens if Erin gets it all wrong and then makes that first move and Tanya is so not interested? Nothing much, right? A trio of red faces and they all go about their lives. So Erin's not risking anything beyond a little embarrassment, and not much of that if she's confident Tanya is interested. In short, there are no obstacles for your characters to overcome to be together and they don't risk anything to initiate their liaison.

You've a married couple attracted to third person- there's so much natural drama in that situation, but it's like you want to avoid it all rather than exploit it. Making things easy for your characters generally makes for a dull story.

The storm's important, When Erin realizes it hit early, and they are now 'stuck', she 'goes for it'. Here's where the back story would have some meaning, in Tanya's response to Erin, at the beginning of the first sex scene. Perhaps it is a bit imprudent for them to be traveling on such a day as this. I really do need to work on it a bit.

So if not for the storm Erin would never have gone for it?

The lack of conflict limited my interest. I want more in a story than beautiful persons meeting and having sex.

I was hoping for more than 'Porn in Prose', and will have to find a way.

Porn films bore me too- for the same reason. Steamy R-rated movies are so much more arousing because of the drama surrounding the attraction. So I think you achieved your 'Porn in Prose' goal; I'm just not part of your target audience.

I appreciated how you attempted to foreshadow your plot devices.

but, sadly, I did so, unintentionally...

I can't believe you set the trio up for some quiet time alone- using the remote location, a storm, a handy bed, plenty of food, even a corkscrew- all by accident.

Thanks, Penny, I really appreciate your thought provoking comments, and views.

You're welcome. And thanks again for offering such a interesting story for everyone to discuss.

 

[jacks4u]

Penny,

You're forcing me to analyze my goals and motives for this story here! Thank you.

An ideal perspective choice is a minor issue compared to the overall lack of tension- at least for me. What happens if Erin gets it all wrong and then makes that first move and Tanya is so not interested? Nothing much, right? A trio of red faces and they all go about their lives. So Erin's not risking anything beyond a little embarrassment, and not much of that if she's confident Tanya is interested. In short, there are no obstacles for your characters to overcome to be together and they don't risk anything to initiate their liaison.

You've a married couple attracted to third person- there's so much natural drama in that situation, but it's like you want to avoid it all rather than exploit it. Making things easy for your characters generally makes for a dull story.

I hadn't thought about it that way - yet I'm also drawing a blank as to what sorts of conflict they might have, other than speculations and worries about rejection - is she a player? married to a jealous husband? If I make a move, will she scream 'rape'? these are the only things I can think of, but seem to be temporary in nature, as once they have sex, those questions, concerns disappear.

So if not for the storm Erin would never have gone for it?

I'm thinking, possibly, but perhaps after the full tour, and paperwork. Something I just thought of - perhaps, with so much of the town 'swingers' maybe Tanya feels she's a gatekeeper - If prospective buyers don't swing, then she can discourage them from moving in. just a stray thought, not likely to find it's way into print...

Porn films bore me too- for the same reason. Steamy R-rated movies are so much more arousing because of the drama surrounding the attraction. So I think you achieved your 'Porn in Prose' goal; I'm just not part of your target audience.

Here's where I really had to examine my own motives and goals, and have to admit, I really had no concrete goals, but instead created characters, placed them in a situation, and let them do what they would (which was damn near what I wanted them to do ) I do want something more than just stroke, but sadly, I'll still loose some readers with this one. Oh, I think I can make it better, but ...

I can't believe you set the trio up for some quiet time alone- using the remote location, a storm, a handy bed, plenty of food, even a corkscrew- all by accident.

I really hadn't thought all the details through, but instead wrote in some 'wiggle room', with the sellers leaving some things behind. (inexpensive wines, bed with mattress, some hygiene supplies, etc...) Perhaps that was 'over the edge' of believability?


Jacks

 

[Penelope Street]

You've a married couple attracted to third person- there's so much natural drama in that situation,

I hadn't thought about it that way - yet I'm also drawing a blank as to what sorts of conflict they might have, other than speculations and worries about rejection - is she a player? married to a jealous husband? If I make a move, will she scream 'rape'? these are the only things I can think of, but seem to be temporary in nature, as once they have sex, those questions, concerns disappear.

Just to offer a few arbitrary possibilities:

What if the couple sees the home with Tanya and the showing goes more of less as planned, but later, when the couple is alone, Erin could tell Tom that she noticed him staring at Tanya. This could lead to a discussion wherein they admit their mutual attraction and decide to attempt to seduce Tanya- only to discover that Tanya doesn't swing both ways and is only interested in one of them.

Even if they have a mutually pleasing threesome, the problems could be just beginning.

Never underestimate good old jealousy! Tanya's jealous husband is a fine idea. If Tanya's not married, I can so see Erin imagining Tanya to be a threat, especially if Tom immediately expresses a desire for additional action with the other woman.

If that's not enough, what if Tanya really is a threat? Suppose Erin discovers a few discarded paper scraps with a string of signatures like one would expect from a lovesick school girl: Tanya Fredrickson, Tanya Fredrickson, Tanya Fredrickson, Tanya Fredrickson... Wouldn't that be a little creepy?

Those are just a few examples. There are so many interesting places to take a threesome because of all the emotions involved, especially the insecurities.

 

[jacks4u]

Hmmm,

Personally, I'm not fond of that sort of drama, especially based on jealousy, possessiveness, or greed. Now, the stalking axe murdering over possessive psycho bitch turned real estate agent *might* be a possibility, but I was interested in Love, not war...

 

[jacks4u]

But I could see, If the married couple were straight, Tanya and the rest of the town swing, and she sees it as swing or find another house/town to live in...

 

[Penelope Street]

If the married couple were straight, Tanya and the rest of the town swing, and she sees it as swing or find another house/town to live in...

If really you want to inject tension into your story, there are endless possibilities and variations.

... but I was interested in Love, not war...

On the other hand, if "Love not, war" essentially means sex without conflict, the story's fine the way it is.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Some free time at last.

I had a read through this. As a story it does exactly what it intends to do, but what it's intending to do isn't very ambitious.

It works fine as a stroke story. Nice couple check out nice house in nice town, get snowed in, have hot threesome with hot Real Estate Lady, find out the town they're moving to is a swinger's paradise. If that's what you're aiming for, it works. The sex scenes are good and hot.

I think ella and Penny are spot on with the lack of tension comments.

I couldn't really find anything that stuck out as glaringly wrong (I don't have an editor's eye for these things though), but there was nothing that made me think 'wow' either.

The dialogue seemed a little too functional. It didn't really make any aspects of their character stand out. I'm wondering if maybe you need more flirty comments between Tanya and Erin.

It's clear from the narrator's comments that his wife swings that way, but then we head off into alternate Pornoverse, where it's obvious they're all going to end up in bed together because we're in Pornoverse. This is not necessarily a bad criticism; I'm fairly sure the majority of the readers come here because they want to escape to Pornoverse

It depends what you want from the story. In the real world a swinger's paradise like you've got here could all too easily be a powderkeg of jealousy and other emotions waiting to explode. That would have tension, but it wouldn't be much fun to read for people looking to get off on tales of hot threesomes.

I think the story could do with more interplay between Erin and Tanya during the tour so it feels like the characters are coming together because they've sounded each other out and realised everybody wants the same thing, rather than coming together for the threesome because the story calls for it.

I see at the start you mention you're thinking about entering this for the Winter Holiday contest. Multi-chapter stories aren't allowed in the contests any more. In this case it's not a big issue as the story stands alone anyway, but you'll need to remove the ch.01 from the title.

 

[jacks4u]

Hydra,

Thanks for taking the time to read my story, and for the wonderful comments and suggestions. I do appreciate that effort, and hope to grow as a writer - gain experience, so to speak.

The dialogue seemed a little too functional. It didn't really make any aspects of their character stand out. I'm wondering if maybe you need more flirty comments between Tanya and Erin.
​

Functional, yea. Dialog is hard for me, as much of my own conversations are also functional, that's what I know. I'm having an especially hard time with the female characters. I have a friend that I think can help me out with some of the dialog...

I think the story could do with more interplay between Erin and Tanya during the tour so it feels like the characters are coming together because they've sounded each other out and realised everybody wants the same thing, rather than coming together for the threesome because the story calls for it.​

Interesting turn of phrase, yet, easily worked into what already exists.

In the real world a swinger's paradise like you've got here could all too easily be a powderkeg of jealousy and other emotions waiting to explode. That would have tension, but it wouldn't be much fun to read for people looking to get off on tales of hot threesomes.​

I was actually trying to figure out what subsequent chapters would be like. You, Penny, and Ella all have good suggestions for drama and tension. But I'm not sure how much of that I can re-write into this story - kind of like asking for a 3rd door on a Corvette, but I'll try to do something here, and keep it as priority for subsequent chapters.

Maybe someone here knows - is drama, jealousy, possessiveness common among swingers? I think in gay and lesbian relationships, there is, but...


And thanks for the heads up on the contest rules!

Jacks

 

[_Lynn_]

1.) Is the dialog believable? ie: would similar people in similar situations actually say similar things?

2.) Is the narrator too quiet?​

Emotion and tension are some other things that seem to be important:

3.) Did I succeed in conveying an initial tension, in that both husband and wife were trying to figure out how to get in the real estate lady's pants?

4.) Did I succeed in conveying an initial nervousness about the weather?​

Some unrelated bits:

5.) Did I cop out, do the reader a disservice when the barriers broke down, and he was sent to the basement, while the good parts were just beginning?

6.) Were the sex scenes realistic? hot? or flat?
​

And finally overall quality:

7.) Were there any real deal breakers? things that pulled you out of it?

8.) What was one thing you liked? (I'd like to know if there's any redeeming quality to this work at all or if I should just aim for the circular file... ​

Anything else? please feel free to comment on areas I didn't specifically ask about - I'm on a learning adventure, and every little bit helps

This is only my second story, and I would hope that it's markedly better than the first...


Thanks,
Jacks4u

I read this when you first posted it, but homework was a priority. This morning I have a few minutes, so here I am. Since you've had several replies, I'm not sure I have anything fresh to add.

1. I'm a huge fan of dialogue. Telling a story through the character's words holds my attention. In one of your posts you mentioned you had trouble with dialogue. I could tell that throughout the entire piece.

2. He comes across as one who isn't very outgoing. A watcher, not a joiner, maybe. But I must say that I never got a true feel for who he is.

3. Tension is missing in my opinion. The couple see her, talk a few minutes, and then they're naked. Before reading your questions, I assumed this was supposed to be a stroker and nothing more.

4. Nervousness about the weather is missing as well. The real estate agent mentions food, wood, etc., and the couple forgets all about the blizzard.

5. This one depends on what your goal was. Did you want the two in bed without him? Then having him leave the room worked. Did you want him to feel as if they were kicking him out to be alone? Then I didn't get that feeling at all.

6. To be honest, I don't remember the sex scenes at all. Then again, I don't write erotica anymore, and I don't read strokers. So without going back to your story, I have no other reply here.

7/8. I'll put these two together. This is where it depends on your goal. If this wasn't a quick reading stroke piece, then you lacked plot. If it was, then it's fine. This is the type story I would click out of. Without emotion or tension, I find myself bored. That's my opinion of stories, and has nothing to do with the authors themselves.

 

[jacks4u]

Lynn,

Thank you so much for the wonderful comments! I do appreciate the time you took, and apologize for putting you through such torture


I didn't exactly put pen to paper, so to speak, for readers to wack off to my story. But would still be flattered if a reader commented 'read your story, loved it, came 3 times myself...'.

It is what it is, though, but that's why I'm here, to try to figure out how to reach new heights, etc...

It's clear to me, from all the comments thus far, that I need to work on the dialog. give some depth to the characters, I'm not sure how much tension I can add, but I'll try to do that as well.

5. This one depends on what your goal was. Did you want the two in bed without him? Then having him leave the room worked. Did you want him to feel as if they were kicking him out to be alone? Then I didn't get that feeling at all.​

While I was writing this part, I couldn't, in my mind picture him just standing there, watching the two women make out, and I didn't really want him to join into a 3 way group hug/kiss/makeout session. And I didn't want him to make a move first on her, he is married, after all! I had supposed it would be alright with the wife, if she/they invited him to join in - which would be similar to the history "Erin had always enjoyed the company of other women, once in a while bringing one girlfriend or another home, where I often enjoyed making love with the two of them." I didn't really picture Tom and Erin as total swingers, and as I envision the two of them, I picture her as the more outgoing/adventurous/sexually active partner, but willing to 'share' on occasion. I think I can build on this, perhaps some internal dialog, as he wrestles with the idea of making a first move.


Again,
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment, It has helped me to visualize the task ahead.


Jacks

 

[_Lynn_]

Lynn,

Thank you so much for the wonderful comments! I do appreciate the time you took, and apologize for putting you through such torture


I didn't exactly put pen to paper, so to speak, for readers to wack off to my story. But would still be flattered if a reader commented 'read your story, loved it, came 3 times myself...'.

It is what it is, though, but that's why I'm here, to try to figure out how to reach new heights, etc...

It's clear to me, from all the comments thus far, that I need to work on the dialog. give some depth to the characters, I'm not sure how much tension I can add, but I'll try to do that as well.

5. This one depends on what your goal was. Did you want the two in bed without him? Then having him leave the room worked. Did you want him to feel as if they were kicking him out to be alone? Then I didn't get that feeling at all.​

While I was writing this part, I couldn't, in my mind picture him just standing there, watching the two women make out, and I didn't really want him to join into a 3 way group hug/kiss/makeout session. And I didn't want him to make a move first on her, he is married, after all! I had supposed it would be alright with the wife, if she/they invited him to join in - which would be similar to the history "Erin had always enjoyed the company of other women, once in a while bringing one girlfriend or another home, where I often enjoyed making love with the two of them." I didn't really picture Tom and Erin as total swingers, and as I envision the two of them, I picture her as the more outgoing/adventurous/sexually active partner, but willing to 'share' on occasion. I think I can build on this, perhaps some internal dialog, as he wrestles with the idea of making a first move.


Again,
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment, It has helped me to visualize the task ahead.


Jacks

We all have to start somewhere in our writing. I know when I put my first pieces out, I had no clue about plot, tension, or emotion. They were pure stroke stories, period. The writing was horrible, full of errors that make me cringe when I see them today.

Learning how to improve isn't easy. Regardless of how determined a writer is, it doesn't happen overnight. You've received a lot of useful tips here. Take them back with you and incorporate what you can into your work.

A suggestion I give when I edit for a newer writer is this: For each edit you get back, remember one suggestion/correction, and use it in your next story. Each time you should have less errors, improving as you go.

 

[ellabee]

One of the best ways to improve dialogue is to become a connoisseur of sorts. Go to a bar, restaurant, sporting event, etc. and listen to those around you. YOU don't have to be a world-class conversationalist, but listening to natural rhythm and flow of those speaking around you will help. Take a notebook and jot down phrases - refer to the rhythm and content when you write.

It will help.

And, hey, you may even become a better conversationalist yourself!

 

[jacks4u]

We all have to start somewhere in our writing. I know when I put my first pieces out, I had no clue about plot, tension, or emotion. They were pure stroke stories, period. The writing was horrible, full of errors that make me cringe when I see them today.

Learning how to improve isn't easy. Regardless of how determined a writer is, it doesn't happen overnight. You've received a lot of useful tips here. Take them back with you and incorporate what you can into your work.

A suggestion I give when I edit for a newer writer is this: For each edit you get back, remember one suggestion/correction, and use it in your next story. Each time you should have less errors, improving as you go.

Lynn,

This is one reason I hang out in the SDC... trying to learn - not just from my own mistakes, but from others' as well. Yea, it'll take a while, and I do expect mixed results with even this story. Also it helps me get in touch with what I really like as a reader - with hopes that I can emulate those things as a writer...

I don't think I've done that bad, considering. no one said "It stinks", and that's a positive, and gives me hope, as well as many good suggestions for enhancing this story, and others to follow...

Thank you!

Jacks

 

[jacks4u]

One of the best ways to improve dialogue is to become a connoisseur of sorts. Go to a bar, restaurant, sporting event, etc. and listen to those around you. YOU don't have to be a world-class conversationalist, but listening to natural rhythm and flow of those speaking around you will help. Take a notebook and jot down phrases - refer to the rhythm and content when you write.

It will help.

And, hey, you may even become a better conversationalist yourself!

What an interesting idea. I was intending to interrogate a biker chick friend, see if she could help me work out some of the dialog for this story. Your suggestion, though a much longer process should have lasting effects.

Thanks for the suggestion

Jacks

 

[driphoney]

Maybe someone here knows - is drama, jealousy, possessiveness common among swingers? I think in gay and lesbian relationships, there is, but...

Jacks

Hi,
This story seemed to shoot past me while I was gone. Sorry, Jacks, I didn't give you an opinion. You're always so good to do it for others.

To answer your question (having negative zero experience myself, if that's possible!) If you believe British dramas--and swinging seems to be a recurring theme in Brit telly if BBCAmerica is to be believed--drama and all the jealous interplay, possessiveness, insecurities, greed, hell, even murder comes out!



Who knows? You master that dialogue to the point of being able to spin it Brit and you might just have the next version of the Brit "Dallas" on your hands! We'll all go, "Man, I remember that dude, back when he was a struggling newbie ...." You'll be getting phone calls, "Say Jack! 'Member me? Your ol' buddy, Drip, from Lit? ... What? ... You don't?! Aw, c'mon Jack."

 

[jacks4u]

Hi,
This story seemed to shoot past me while I was gone. Sorry, Jacks, I didn't give you an opinion. You're always so good to do it for others.

Too be honest, I did miss your comments, but that's the way it goes

To answer your question (having negative zero experience myself, if that's possible!) If you believe British dramas--and swinging seems to be a recurring theme in Brit telly if BBCAmerica is to be believed--drama and all the jealous interplay, possessiveness, insecurities, greed, hell, even murder comes out!

I thought, perhaps it was like in the porns - folks meet, have a short chat, get it on, then when the sun comes up, some cutie fixes breakfast for all, and everyone fades into the background...

Who knows? You master that dialogue to the point of being able to spin it Brit and you might just have the next version of the Brit "Dallas" on your hands! We'll all go, "Man, I remember that dude, back when he was a struggling newbie ...." You'll be getting phone calls, "Say Jack! 'Member me? Your ol' buddy, Drip, from Lit? ... What? ... You don't?! Aw, c'mon Jack."

I'll remember, if it happens THAT way...


Jacks