My poetry...

[frontfetish]

in our thoughts I see it glowing
on your eyes I see it burning
your arms wrapped around
like a mystic bound

inseparable we may seem
although sins we should redeem
nothing is easy at is seem
in this frozen bed of streams

on your body I lay
through this winters grail
even though we seem to fail
this holy cross we need to obey

 

[butters]

in our thoughts I see it glowing
on your eyes I see it burning
your arms wrapped around
like a mystic bound

inseparable we may seem
although sins we should redeem
nothing is easy at is seem
in this frozen bed of streams

on your body I lay
through this winters grail
even though we seem to fail
this holy cross we need to obey

hello. frontfetish

I think perhaps this is suffering a little from the limits you've set it by trying to make those end-rhymes happen. Try not to force a line to fit a rhyme-scheme - each poem needs to be able to express itself in its own way, and unless you are a skilled writer then using end-rhymes can make a poem less appealing to the reader.

As you work through each thought, write it as you feel it - it's only when you have those initial thoughts down in front of you that you can then work out the best way to say them. Some writers manage to do both at the same time, but they tend to be the minority, and even they go back to edit and re-edit a work till satisfied.

Seems to me you're about half-way there already, with some interesting phrases such as 'winter's grail' and 'frozen bed'.

Keep writing!

 

[frontfetish]

@chipbutty

thanks for the feedback.. it's my passion to write something even though it seems that its not liking me argh, anyway I'll work and find my way through poetry.. I might give something good the next time around

cheers~

 

[butters]

@chipbutty

thanks for the feedback.. it's my passion to write something even though it seems that its not liking me argh, anyway I'll work and find my way through poetry.. I might give something good the next time around

cheers~

hey, the only way to learn is to write and write and write - oh, and read too, don't forget the reading None of us starts off writing the way we do 5, 10, or more years later. And we grow with each piece we write and rewrite. If it's under your skin, an itch you gotta scratch, then go for it