Feedback and comments please

[poetedge5455]

Hi. First poem for critique.

I welcome all comments, and please don't hold back. I take feedback as comments about the piece and not me, so am not going to be offended.

Besides the obvious comments on gaffes, structure, etc., I would like you to tell me what you think the situation is that exists in the poem. I mean the why that is not explicit. That is my concern. Does it work without explanation? And if it does, please tell me what you think the explanation would be.

There IS a real situation here, but I am not challenging you to get it 'right'. I am interested in what you think it might be. Sort of like a trippy abstract painting where I see Brahma on a lotus, and you see a '69 corvette. And we're both right. :>

HARSH REVISION

Our children are no longer friends.
Three poems ago
It surfaced in my writing.
It's unhealthy for us to talk about.

Three poems ago,
That's how I measure time.
It's unhealthy for us to talk about
Though we do, when it comes up.

That's how I measure time,
Hoping we will not stumble,
Though we do when it comes up
Bringing the hurt that separates us.

Hoping we will not stunble
Upon that loss of friendship
Bringing the hurt that separates us.
We tease around the subject, not touching

Upon that loss of friendship.
Agreeing about the loss, not the hope
We tease around the subject. not touching.
Did it really shake their faith forever?

Agreeing about the loss, not the hope
I tried to write it from your side.
Did it really shake their faith forever?
I'm sure you think it's overdue, but

I tried to write it from your side:
The effect it has on their love and ours.
I'm sure you think it's overdue, but
These lines didn't make the final draft.

The effect it has on their love and ours?
Perhaps we think of it more than them.
These lines didn't make the final draft:
That my love for your girls changes nothing.

Perhaps we think of it more than them.
It surfaced in my writing
That my love for your girls changes nothing.
Our children are no longer friends.

***

 

[arielsgoddess]

It is sad and touching--but of course, because it's about loss..

I have seen the situation you described. Sometimes as we get older we lose what connected us, and the people losing don't notice until it can't be puzzled out and matter to them anymore why--it just doesn't exist.

 

[PandoraGlitters]

Your use of repetition is outstanding. Well done. I'd look at the abstractions though (the hurt, for example, isn't really descriptive). Quite movingly told.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

The repetition reminds me of a pantoum but without the rhymes and longer if that makes sense! It's the second variation on a form that I have seen this week and well done to both. I've got enough bother doing all the ones set out already in Survivor. One thing you could try is not beginning every line with a capital letter just new sentences. Keep 'em coming

 

[poetedge5455]

Ariel, thank you. I am glad it evoked that statement (that is true btw). I am encouraged that it may be more universal than I thought.

Pandora, nice insight! It is the constriction of the form that makes me reach for abstracts, since I have to use the line twice. I don't like hurt either. Needs work. Glad you confirmed.

U.R Spell. I wrote it from my phone. It automatically capitalizes. Grrr. I know it is distracting. I was a proofreader for years and struggle to turn off my inner editor when reading other's work.

This is my version of a pantoum. I never rhyme them. I think the repetitive lines are quite enough. The addition of the a/b rhyme is overkill. Most of the 'real' pantoums I've read have been monotonous train wrecks where the form becomes the focus and not the thoughts.
I love the (hybrid) form. I use it a lot when I have an idea that seems to go off on many tangents. Trying to conform to the structure focuses what I really want to say. Then iif it becomes ytoo restrictive, I discard the form.

I haven't seen a line limit for the form that I can remember, but it's been awhile since I learned it. I think the structure is self limiting. How. Long can you keep it going and still tie the 3,1 first stanza to the end? Lol.

When I am not using it as a focus tool, as in this one, and just trying to 'pantoum', lol, I just wait for the moment that seems to be the snake biting its tail and go for it.

Thanks again everyone.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

The Black Russian is one I did for Survivor ...... see what you think

 

[poetedge5455]

The Black Russian is one I did for Survivor ...... see what you think

I realized that comment about train wrecks was a bit harsh. You know how to use rhyme to advantage. I have become jaded with rhyme because it is so easily, and so frequently abused that it has literally narrowed the market for rhyming verse. Many mags guidelines have NO RHYMING POETRY in bold, bc editors have been inundated with moon/June/spoon babble. It
Puts poets who can be subtle and inventive at a disadvantage. Of course, it also makes them like diamonds among coal.

Black Russian was wonderful. Oh brave soul to have such lengthy lines. I don't think I have written one with meter that long. How long did it take you? Or was it a rush of inspiration. It certainly doesn't feel worked. You know, those poems that are well written, but feel like they have been honed to the expense of some life? Yours flows like it just came out like that. And isn't that the key? To hide the agonizing revisions? And make it seem like we dashed it off, and are perpetually spewing brilliance, even when ordering pizza. :>

I had a pantoum published that involved a cat. One of my favorite subjects. In your hands the rhyme is not obtrusive at all. Your usage of different sounds interwoven with the repeating lines was very good. You have a good ear. Coming from a music background, I admire writers who are aware of the sonic component of poems.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I honestly couldn't say how long it took when I am happy with what I am writing then I just carry on. At a rough estimate I would say 3 or 4 hours max I suppose maybe less. If they don't just flow and I leave them then have to go back and struggle I worry and most times abandon!

 

[poetedge5455]

I know what you mean. If I. Had to charge by the hour, I probably would be cheating either the buyer or myself. When it feels like it is flowing, I think it took a few minutes, though I have ten pages, and dawn is breaking. When the muse is petulant, it seems like hours and my coffe isn't cold yet.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I know what you mean. If I. Had to charge by the hour, I probably would be cheating either the buyer or myself. When it feels like it is flowing, I think it took a few minutes, though I have ten pages, and dawn is breaking. When the muse is petulant, it seems like hours and my coffe isn't cold yet.

damn muse has gone on holiday either that or I was never meant to finish 'Marriage is like a cauliflower'!! Don't mind me I like to do these scatty little ditties occasionally it's the child in me

 

[poetedge5455]

damn muse has gone on holiday either that or I was never meant to finish 'Marriage is like a cauliflower'!! Don't mind me I like to do these scatty little ditties occasionally it's the child in me

I love that title, lol.

Do you read Taylor mali? I do a lot of spoken word readings, an when I read that, I flashed on Falling in love is like owning a dog by Mali. Prob completlry irrevalent except for the simile title.

I have to post Crunchy Words. I have a feeling you would like it. It's useless now because it's dated by a ( then) current political reference, and I haven't found a way yet to update it.

The child in me pokes pins in a voodoo doll of me when I give him time outs.