New Writer

[LongTung4You]

Hi All..I just posted my first in what I hope to be many stories here on Literotica. I look forward to hearing your comments and/or suggestions

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=437595

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Well... you have done a pretty good job. These are the things I found that you need to work on.

1) The ellipsis... you are using it incorrectly. You wrote -
"It's just... I..."
It should be - "It's just...I..." No spaces.

2) There is a continuity problem. You wrote -
Then the best part was to come. I had done girls for him in the past. Hot 3-somes with some of my best girlfriends. But today I wanted 2 men all to myself doing what I wanted them to do for me. After about 10 minutes of this visual foreplay I began the first act of my fantasy.

"Sean, please come out now." I seductively said in the direction across the other side of the bedroom.
This is okay, I suppose but it's a stumble. You should have introduced Sean ealier in the previous paragraph. It seems like Sean just magically appears out of nowhere.

3) Sean is hiding in the closet? Then you introduce him as "a young sexy guy in his 20's." Young sexy guy has two problems.

First I would never use the words Young sexy guy. That just isn't my version of a woman thinking. Second, it should be young, sexy guy. You are missing a comma.

4) That paragraph you has more editing errors. You wrote-
Steve's eyes open wide when the closet door opened and out came a young sexy guy in his 20's. He came over to the bed and laid down next to me. Sean is a guy I met at the supermarket who always looked at my cleavage as he help load stuff in my car. This led to me sucking his huge 9" cock in my car for his reward several times. Now he was here with me and my ex Steve and I almost came thinking about the fun I want to have.

This should be
Steves's eyes opened wide when the closet door opened and out came a young sexy guy in his 20's. Sean came over to the bed an laid down next to me. Sean was a guy I met att he supermarket who always looked at my cleavage as he helped load stuff in my car.
...and so on...

I could go on, but what this story needs more than anything is a good editor. You mix tense and your wording could be improved a lot. Also you should learn to not surprise your readers with new characters. You should introduce them before the action of the story begins, not in the action itself.

But keep working at it. You will do well.

 

[sr71plt]

Publisher's ellipsis have character spaces around all of the dots: "It's just . . . I . . ." (Chicago Manual of Style, 11.51)

 

[driphoney]

Publisher's ellipsis have character spaces around all of the dots: "It's just . . . I . . ." (Chicago Manual of Style, 11.51)

I was really second guessing what I thought I had just learned. I never used them until I wanted to try to write an orgasm!

 

[LongTung4You]

thanks for the help and suggestions. I really appreciate them all!