how to play the "game"?

[pinky_love]

I am in a relationship of 4 years n me n my fiance enjoy sex very much. He is more into voyeurism than i am but we both enjoy a bit of sub/dom. Anything goes is our motto, and we also love taboo.

my problem is i lack imagination where he is concerned. I need to make him intrigued but dont know how. i'm probably not explaining this very well

a few weeks ago he told me to go on a walk and he would follow, i could go whereever i wanted and do what i liked. So i did, i walked along the beach n chatted to a couple of people then walked more, but that was it, i didnt have a clue what to do next then he phoned me, and asked where i was as he couldnt find me, when i told him he came and met me (boring i know) but he says that for that moment that he couldnt see me, he was really excited by the thought i was actually doing something he didnt know about.

Now i need to make him want to have sex with me, he says hes on strike until i make him want me lol
i dress up regularly so thats out so has anyone any good advice for me to play this "game"?

thanks x

had this on the how to board but was told id be better here

 

[SimonBrooke]

I am in a relationship of 4 years n me n my fiance enjoy sex very much. He is more into voyeurism than i am but we both enjoy a bit of sub/dom. Anything goes is our motto, and we also love taboo.

my problem is i lack imagination where he is concerned. I need to make him intrigued but dont know how. i'm probably not explaining this very well

a few weeks ago he told me to go on a walk and he would follow, i could go whereever i wanted and do what i liked. So i did, i walked along the beach n chatted to a couple of people then walked more, but that was it, i didnt have a clue what to do next then he phoned me, and asked where i was as he couldnt find me, when i told him he came and met me (boring i know) but he says that for that moment that he couldnt see me, he was really excited by the thought i was actually doing something he didnt know about.

Now i need to make him want to have sex with me, he says hes on strike until i make him want me lol
i dress up regularly so thats out so has anyone any good advice for me to play this "game"?

OK, what are his kinks?

* Does he like to think you might expose yourself to someone else?
* Does he like to think you might come on sexually to someone else?
* Does he like to think someone else might be attracted to you?

I appreciate that the 'HowTo' people told you to come here, but I'm not really sure whether this is the right place either. It doesn't seem to me that your SO is a dom, and I'm not entirely certain you're a sub.

Things you could have tried on the beach:

* Had an 'accidental' wardrobe malfunction
* (depending what sort of beach) deliberately removed your top
* Gone waist deep into the water and masturbated
* Found the best looking man on the beach and got into a deep conversation (try asking him the time, or say 'kiss me, I'm trying to make my boyfriend jealous')
* Found the best looking woman on the beach and got into a deep conversation
* Had a wardrobe malfunction while talking to the best looking man/woman

I'm sure other people can think of more. But without knowing more about his kinks I can't focus in further.

 

[pinky_love]

i think he would have enjoyed any one of those ^^ to happen but as i said i lack imagination especially on the spot

i have exposed myself to people , that is something i really enjoy i dont think he likes it quite as much as i do though

he is very into voyeurism as in he likes to watch without being seen and without me knowing. he has tried to catch me numerous times when i "play" but i am also a useless actress so if i know hes there or trying to watch i stop

 

[HisSexyPet]

i think he would have enjoyed any one of those ^^ to happen but as i said i lack imagination especially on the spot

i have exposed myself to people , that is something i really enjoy i dont think he likes it quite as much as i do though

he is very into voyeurism as in he likes to watch without being seen and without me knowing. he has tried to catch me numerous times when i "play" but i am also a useless actress so if i know hes there or trying to watch i stop

Why do you stop when you spot him watching? Is it because you don't like it or because his "see without being seen" thing? Have you ever looked him dead in the eye when you see him and keep playing?

When y'all enjoy the little bit of Dom/sub who is the Dom and who the sub?

 

[pinky_love]

im sub ,hes dom

i just get embaressed thats why i stop, i know i shouldnt but i just cant go on! I feel like i need to hide it, this prob sounds stupid but its how i feel

but if he told me to do it i would n when he tells me to do other things that are more public i can do that .

 

[HisSexyPet]

Talk to him about this. Lots of folks here have stressed it before, communication is the key. Sit down and ask him what he hopes to get out of watching you walk. You said he was excited about you doing something he didn't know about. Find out what kinds of things he was imagining you doing. Also let him know of your need to be told to continue when he catches you playing.

You can't play "the game" if you don't know the playing field. Talk about it and listen to Him.

 

[pinky_love]

Talk to him about this. Lots of folks here have stressed it before, communication is the key. Sit down and ask him what he hopes to get out of watching you walk. You said he was excited about you doing something he didn't know about. Find out what kinds of things he was imagining you doing. Also let him know of your need to be told to continue when he catches you playing.

You can't play "the game" if you don't know the playing field. Talk about it and listen to Him.

i did ask him, he says it was the split second where is she? is she doing something she shouldnt ? whos she with? that got him going.
see i think part of the reason i stop and dont pretend i havent seen him while i play is because i know he wouldnt want me to know hes there and i dont think i could act enough to do that.
im useless arent i

 

[HisSexyPet]

No dear, not useless, just inexperienced.

To increase your imagination and things to tuck back for spur of the moment use try reading the stories here on Lit. There are also a plethera of ideas described on these boards. Browse, read, learn, and ask questions on anything. Don't be shy about posting to a thread. Most of the people here are happy to help.

 

[pinky_love]

No dear, not useless, just inexperienced.

To increase your imagination and things to tuck back for spur of the moment use try reading the stories here on Lit. There are also a plethera of ideas described on these boards. Browse, read, learn, and ask questions on anything. Don't be shy about posting to a thread. Most of the people here are happy to help.

i have been browsing this forum all day n im starting to get tunnel vision lol, i hope i take in what im reading cos hes on strike until i do something so i need to catch on quickly

Thanks for your help and advice, i dont want to be a pain in the ass but i prob will have more questions in the coming days xx

 

[HisSexyPet]

I'm semi new here too. I lurked for the longest time too intimidated to post. Ask away. If you don't ask, no one can help with the answers. And there are a lot of helpful people here....most are at work and not on the internet right now..giggles. I am sure they will show up and offer lots of advice.

 

[pinky_love]

im stupid!!! i have just realised

he wants me to be more dominant doesnt he?? omg why has he taken me so long to get that!! duh!!!

right i need help peeps, how can i be more of a sexy cow, than a doe eyed one

 

[Netzach]

Initiative and dominance are kind of different things, though I think they are linked a little bit. I think he wants to see your initiative and creativity at work.

 

[pinky_love]

Initiative and dominance are kind of different things, though I think they are linked a little bit. I think he wants to see your initiative and creativity at work.

yeah i dont mean dominatiing him i think he just wants me to be more erm assertive maybe ?

 

[subwannabe]

Communication, communication, communication! Once you find out more it will be easier for you to initiate more and cum up with more ideas.

 

[SimonBrooke]

Initiative and dominance are kind of different things, though I think they are linked a little bit. I think he wants to see your initiative and creativity at work.

yeah i dont mean dominatiing him i think he just wants me to be more erm assertive maybe ?

Right, this is where I get up on my high horse, go right out on a limb, and start saying things you're not even supposed to think.

Where we've got after two thousand years of living in a culture which is profoundly afraid of sexuality is to a place where the blind lead the blind, and we think that's normal. We think it's right.

We believe - or we pretend to believe - that good sex comes naturally. We don't teach people how to have sex in schools or colleges. We don't encourage youngsters to have sex with experienced people, we encourage them to have sex with people just as inexperienced as themselves. Sometimes they get lucky; mostly they don't. And even if they do get lucky, they aren't going to learn a rich sexual repertoire just by fumbling with each other. As a culture we don't teach our youngsters sex, and, apart from a few out of the way and slightly disreputable places like this, we don't really share much experience or advice about sex.

It's no wonder so many relationships don't work!

Pinky (and all you other kids - of both genders and all orientations - listening in), go out and find yourself someone who's been round the block a bit, and who's thought about how to have sex. Worked on it. Studied it. By which I don't just mean, find someone of your parents' generation: I mean find someone of your parents' generation who is both thoughtful and sensuous. The ancient Greek practice of having mentors - yes, mentors fucked the kids they were mentoring, it was part of the job - was not at all a bad one.

 

[Corylea]

It doesn't sound to me as if you're all that into this game. It sounds to me as if you want to please your boyfriend, but the whole game thing makes you feel awkward and uncomfortable.

Your wishes count, too, you know!

As for how you play this game, how can you know how to play it, when the one who made up the game hasn't told you the rules? Right now, the game seems to be, "You try to read my mind; I'll be happy if you guess right, but I won't tell you anything if you guess wrong." Er, no wonder you aren't having a real good time.

It's very, very common for people just starting out with sex to either not know what they want or not know how to ask for what they want (or to believe that it's greedy or bad or wrong for them to do so). And of course, both at once happens, too. It sounds to me as if this game is a way for your boyfriend to try to hint at what he wants without outright saying it.

So maybe you could play a new game.

This game goes, "I'll tell you one of my fantasies if you tell me one of yours," or "I'll write down three fantasies, each on separate pieces of paper, you do the same, and we'll put them into a bowl, mix them up and draw one," or "tell me one sexual thing you'd want to do if you thought you could have anything you wanted, without any concerns about whether it's normal or safe or common or anything."

Once you guys have some of your desires on the table, it'll be a lot easier to figure out how to satisfy them!

 

[pinky_love]

Right, this is where I get up on my high horse, go right out on a limb, and start saying things you're not even supposed to think.

Where we've got after two thousand years of living in a culture which is profoundly afraid of sexuality is to a place where the blind lead the blind, and we think that's normal. We think it's right.

We believe - or we pretend to believe - that good sex comes naturally. We don't teach people how to have sex in schools or colleges. We don't encourage youngsters to have sex with experienced people, we encourage them to have sex with people just as inexperienced as themselves. Sometimes they get lucky; mostly they don't. And even if they do get lucky, they aren't going to learn a rich sexual repertoire just by fumbling with each other. As a culture we don't teach our youngsters sex, and, apart from a few out of the way and slightly disreputable places like this, we don't really share much experience or advice about sex.

It's no wonder so many relationships don't work!

Pinky (and all you other kids - of both genders and all orientations - listening in), go out and find yourself someone who's been round the block a bit, and who's thought about how to have sex. Worked on it. Studied it. By which I don't just mean, find someone of your parents' generation: I mean find someone of your parents' generation who is both thoughtful and sensuous. The ancient Greek practice of having mentors - yes, mentors fucked the kids they were mentoring, it was part of the job - was not at all a bad one.

i totally agree with the top half of your post but im 39
I do feel weird talking about sex, i feel uncomfortable but i am getting better at talking about my past. See he thought (cos i told him) i was a little shy woman who had only been with a few people before, what he didnt know was that i was hiding the fact i had been around the block more than a few times and that i had a vast range of ways to have fun alone while he was at work. Since i have told him that our sex life has been fantastic, not that it wasnt before but it has been more raw and open and we talk a lot now about things we want. my problem is i dont listen, n cant seem to absorb what hes telling me, so he has told me what he likes and wants i just dont seem to take it in
He enjoys mind games and wondering what im up to when hes not here now. so i send him videos or pics every so often. but now he has brought this "game" into it, it involves stories, and various other aspects of sex a bit of dom/sub a bit of humiliation and punishment, all which i absolutely love but because im not getting the hang of this, its very one-sided as in im getting everything n hes getting not a lot!!
Basically he wants me to be a bitch. but cos im such a nice person i feel awkward(sp) being like that. when i say he wants me to be a bitch i mean he wants me to text him and say things like, ive met this guy n i'm gonna do this n that ...
which he knows is totally unbelievable cos im really shy in that way!! which is one of the reasons i feel strange doing it too, cos he knows im lying lol!!!
please someone tell me what to say or do cos im getting really frustrated here

i've disabled private messages as there is some plain weirdoes on here so im sorry your suggestions will have to be on this thread xx

 

[Adakgirl]

OK please keep in mind I am not going to reply in BDSM context. This reply is going to be from a pure vanilla standpoint.

Now i need to make him want to have sex with me, he says hes on strike until i make him want me lo

No you don't. You do not NEED to make him want you.

If he does not want to have sex with you, does not desire you, if you do not appeal to him because you are not doing that he wants and you are not doing everything in the exact way he wants it...then that is his arousal problem not yours. To bad so sad and tuff shit on him. His desire for you should come naturally and you cannot MAKE it happen. He either desires you with you being the way you are or he doesn't

You should not have to MAKE him want to have sex with you. He should desire you naturally and if he does not there is something terribly wrong there.

That kind of mind "game" reeks of pure bullshit.

After 4 years together he should be taking your wants and your emotional comfort into consideration as well as his own. He is putting all of his part of the responsibility of the quality and quantity of your sex life...squarely upon your shoulders.

No wonder you feel uncomfortable trying to please him.

Withholding sex from you like this...for the reason he is doing it is childish and immature. Don't let him see you sweat, pretend it does not bother you one single bit. Masturbate in bed when he is in bed with you. If he refuses to have sex with you, then go ahead and have sex with yourself. Show him that you are not dependent on his sex. let him see that you can take care of yourself perfectly fine without having to MAKE him want you. Do not allow him to use sex as a weapon against you.

He enjoys mind games and wondering what im up to when hes not here now. so i send him videos or pics every so often

Good let him wonder, do all those things that please you while he is at work...but don't send him pics or vids of you doing them...let him wonder. When he asks, be evasive, don't tell him what you are up too or what you have been doing. Don't lie and make stuff up for him. Look at him straight in the eye and say.."oh never you mind" or "Why nothing at all *insert pet name*"...and flash him a wicked grin. See how he reacts.

Basically he wants me to be a bitch. but cos im such a nice person i feel awkward(sp) being like that. when i say he wants me to be a bitch i mean he wants me to text him and say things like, ive met this guy n i'm gonna do this n that .

Then be a bitch stop feeling uncomfortable and play acting in order to please him. Do things that please you and let him sweat it out for once. Show some sexual independence for cripes sakes. If you don't and you continue to coddle his whims like this, go along with all his little mind games, they will get more and more complicated and more and more involved and it will take much, much, more in order for you to please and arouse him. Eventually it will become impossible for you. Turn the tables is my advice. Let him squirm and feel let him feel uncomfortable.

If you have to..go meet a guy for real, go to a place and don't tell him where you are when he calls and asks. You might even consider leaving him a note telling him you decided you need some time to think through a few things and leave for three or four days...just to show him you can.

All of the above is my opinion of what I would do if I were you and my opinion only. Take what you want but be warned..these things take inner strength and independence to pull off...some may get you in trouble, some may put your relationship on edge. Only you can decide if they are worth the risk. My belief is they will turn him around and give him a few things to think about other than himself.

 

[pinky_love]

OK please keep in mind I am not going to reply in BDSM context. This reply is going to be from a pure vanilla standpoint.



No you don't. You do not NEED to make him want you.

If he does not want to have sex with you, does not desire you, if you do not appeal to him because you are not doing that he wants and you are not doing everything in the exact way he wants it...then that is his arousal problem not yours. To bad so sad and tuff shit on him. His desire for you should come naturally and you cannot MAKE it happen. He either desires you with you being the way you are or he doesn't

You should not have to MAKE him want to have sex with you. He should desire you naturally and if he does not there is something terribly wrong there.

That kind of mind "game" reeks of pure bullshit.

After 4 years together he should be taking your wants and your emotional comfort into consideration as well as his own. He is putting all of his part of the responsibility of the quality and quantity of your sex life...squarely upon your shoulders.

No wonder you feel uncomfortable trying to please him.

Withholding sex from you like this...for the reason he is doing it is childish and immature. Don't let him see you sweat, pretend it does not bother you one single bit. Masturbate in bed when he is in bed with you. If he refuses to have sex with you, then go ahead and have sex with yourself. Show him that you are not dependent on his sex. let him see that you can take care of yourself perfectly fine without having to MAKE him want you. Do not allow him to use sex as a weapon against you.



Good let him wonder, do all those things that please you while he is at work...but don't send him pics or vids of you doing them...let him wonder. When he asks, be evasive, don't tell him what you are up too or what you have been doing. Don't lie and make stuff up for him. Look at him straight in the eye and say.."oh never you mind" or "Why nothing at all *insert pet name*"...and flash him a wicked grin. See how he reacts.



Then be a bitch stop feeling uncomfortable and play acting in order to please him. Do things that please you and let him sweat it out for once. Show some sexual independence for cripes sakes. If you don't and you continue to coddle his whims like this, go along with all his little mind games, they will get more and more complicated and more and more involved and it will take more in order for you to please and arouse him. Eventually it will become impossible for you. Turn the tables is my advice.

If you have too..go meet a guy for real, go to a place and don't tell him where you are when he calls and asks. You might even consider leaving him a note telling him you decided you need some time to think through a few things and leave for three or four days...just to show him you can.

All of the above is my opinion of what I would do if I were you and my opinion only. Take what you want but be warned..these things take inner strength and independence to pull off...some may get you in trouble, some may put your relationship on edge. Only you can decide if they are worth the risk. My belief is they will turn him around and give him a few things to think about other than himself.

Everything you have told me to do is EXACTLY what he says he wants , i just dont know how to do it !!! im not that kind of person , you have hit the nail squarely on the head with your post, i want to know how to do all that ^^^^^

 

[Netzach]

Pinky (and all you other kids - of both genders and all orientations - listening in), go out and find yourself someone who's been round the block a bit, and who's thought about how to have sex. Worked on it. Studied it. By which I don't just mean, find someone of your parents' generation: I mean find someone of your parents' generation who is both thoughtful and sensuous. The ancient Greek practice of having mentors - yes, mentors fucked the kids they were mentoring, it was part of the job - was not at all a bad one.

This is pretty much a line of BS that's gotten middle aged men laid for way too long without reflection. A lot of people can dangle "I'm thoughtful and sensuous" as bait to get a person into bed. I've had MUCH better mileage with younger men who know how to be friends with me AND fuck, who don't think I'm project of the year. Worst sex I've had was this svengali I'm doing you a favor and initiating you kind of sex. Dude, no, I'm initiating YOU into how humans actually act outside books.

Some of y'all have figured out what you want, and a majority of men over 40 that I've had the pleasure of dealing with are JUST as immature, even less prone to healthy communication, and more likely to be completely screwed up in the head over "how can I talk to women" because they have the assumption that talking to a woman is like talking to the aliens that just landed. There's no likelihood that the communication is better healthier or more mature, and sometimes less.

I'd thought more about how to have sex and how to *discuss* having sex by the age of 25 than most people I've met over 40 outside very specific circles of sex activism. On many other levels of maturity I was a total moron, lol, but this I'd given my energy.

The dude she's with could well BE of her parents' generation. It sounds like she herself isn't a baby. Anyone can be poor at communicating. And from the description he is. But I have definitely enjoyed *playing* with my sexuality in relationships, and I have definitely told H that until he seduces me more and acts in ways I find appealing, I'm less likely to play with him.

This isn't headfuck of the century, it's just sexual play. Heightening tension and fun with a game. The problem is when you're too shy to explain the rules and expect mindreading, and again, I've found a lot of men in midlife can't process the notion that if you TELL a woman something directly she may actually not flip out and scream.

My advice to the OP: Look into "cuckolding fetish" - because I think your dude seriously has one.

If this is not fun for you, if this is something that you don't find sexy AT ALL and can't understand after you research it a bit, I'd cut him loose, because his fetish isn't going to just go away and it's gonna drive you nuts.

 

[Adakgirl]

I just told you how. If you can't do it because you aren't that "type" of person then fine, you can't do it. If you just don't have it in you then you just don't have it in you and there is nothing wrong with that. He seems to want to completely modify your entire personality. Is that what you really want? Because he will surely fail at that and he will see it as all YOUR fault.

Don't you think it might be better to find a man who will accept you as you are and work with that, rather than to try to morph yourself into something that you are not? Do you want to live a lie just to hang on to this guy? This is not about learning to play
"the game" here. This is your life. Life is not a game. Life is not all about the sexual satisfaction of someone elses fetishes.

 

[pinky_love]

right i seem to have painted him in the wrong way here without meaning to,, its not him who has the problem with communication its me, i have a problem with listening which you probably realise by now lol

He is not of my parents generation fgs my mum is 78 !! im the youngest i am 39 and my man is 46 so not a big difference, but even though ive been with more than a few men it was very much plain sex. I have always been quite sly and had my fun on my own until i met my man now, and we know we are a match as in we both want the same things, we have the same kind of sexual ideas and thoughts about what we would do and our limits.

i have been with him for 4 years, we love each other very much in fact we just got engaged, we have bonded more since he found out that im not the shy virginal person i made out i was.

i have (hopefully) taken in all you have told me now and its up to me to make it happen. i just need the confidence to do it and not feel stupid or whatever. He has explained to me exactly the way you have adakgirl. its making that all happen that i dont have the confidence in. its not that i dont want to do it, i do and not just for him but for me, cos i love the thrill of it all if i could just damn well do the bleedin thing im so pissed at myself for making something that seems so easy feel so hard!

im gonna have a go at it, i know that even if i try and get it wrong at least he'll know i tried

ive kept adding bits to this post i hope it makes sense lol

thanks again for your advice xx

 

[JMohegan]

Right, this is where I get up on my high horse, go right out on a limb, and start saying things you're not even supposed to think.

Where we've got after two thousand years of living in a culture which is profoundly afraid of sexuality is to a place where the blind lead the blind, and we think that's normal. We think it's right.

We believe - or we pretend to believe - that good sex comes naturally. We don't teach people how to have sex in schools or colleges. We don't encourage youngsters to have sex with experienced people, we encourage them to have sex with people just as inexperienced as themselves. Sometimes they get lucky; mostly they don't. And even if they do get lucky, they aren't going to learn a rich sexual repertoire just by fumbling with each other. As a culture we don't teach our youngsters sex, and, apart from a few out of the way and slightly disreputable places like this, we don't really share much experience or advice about sex.

It's no wonder so many relationships don't work!

Pinky (and all you other kids - of both genders and all orientations - listening in), go out and find yourself someone who's been round the block a bit, and who's thought about how to have sex. Worked on it. Studied it. By which I don't just mean, find someone of your parents' generation: I mean find someone of your parents' generation who is both thoughtful and sensuous. The ancient Greek practice of having mentors - yes, mentors fucked the kids they were mentoring, it was part of the job - was not at all a bad one.

I never had a Mrs. Robinson. Never wanted one, and never needed one.

What I did have was a combination of: personal self confidence, assertiveness, curiosity, energy, and an upbringing that did not impose a sense of shame, sin, or disgust on sexual acts.

I disagree strongly with the notion that most young people need middle aged mentors in order to be taught how to have great sex. I would much rather see a system in which experimentation, exploration, and creativity are encouraged.

 

[Corylea]

I disagree strongly with the notion that most young people need middle aged mentors in order to be taught how to have great sex.

I certainly agree that young people don't need "middle-aged" mentors, but I think mentors just a few years older might be a good idea. New university students are often assigned second-year university students as mentors -- sophomores have learned a lot in the past year, so they can be useful, but they're also close enough to being freshmen themselves to remember what it was that they wished they'd known when they started. Simon is 53, and with all due respect to middle-aged male fantasies (i.e., none ), I don't think any 18-year-old needs someone middle-aged to show him or her the ropes. I do think, though, that it might benefit 20-year-olds to learn from 30-year-olds.

Of course, if we lived in the kind of society where each new adult was assigned a sex mentor, we probably woudn't need sex mentors to begin with.

I would much rather see a system in which experimentation, exploration, and creativity are encouraged.

That would be nice. Maybe next year.

 

[JMohegan]

I certainly agree that young people don't need "middle-aged" mentors, but I think mentors just a few years older might be a good idea.

What would they teach, and how would they teach it?