Avalanche a poem by moi

[pixielady]

I would love feedback please, much appreciated..

AVALANCHE

Like a bullet it hit me, shot right through my soul
If you could view my heart, you will see the hole

I heard the words repeat itself over and over
As I leaned my head to lie on your cold shoulder

I am a glutton for the love you are so stingy to distribute
You complain about everything and how I don’t contribute

But when I open up inside and decide to share my warmth
You shove me back and smother the flames like a snowstorm

The ice wears downs my spirit, someone please defrost me
Your endless arguing and bickering always seem to exhausts me

And just when we have reconciled, rekindled a fire
You send an avalanche that freezes our love and I am tired

It paralyzes the feelings I possess and it distorts my state of mind
It petrifies every living part of me and its like I am stuck in time

Waiting around for your icy heart to thaw and release the love
That I have grown so used to and exclusively fond of

But just when things begin getting cozy again and my melting soul becomes free

I see in the distance your avalanche rushing down
headed towards me

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I do feel you have forced a lot of the rhymes in to fit, if you are going to go for rhyming couplets which is a very legitimate form you should try for less forcing of rhymes. I do like the different rhyming forms myself but find rhyming couplets pretty difficult to bring off, so that it flows freely. Trying for a more equal amount of syllables per line helps too, The second line of the first stanza hops from past tense to present tense with 'could' and 'will' so it really need to be either 'could and would' or 'can and will'. The grammar rule of not ending a sentence with a proposition still holds true I think with poetry so rhyming 'of' with 'love' in stanza 8 is one example of 'forcing' in a word just for the sake of that elusive rhyme.
If you read the thread for the Survivor challenge it explains how to do ryhming couplets far better than I ever could. The only way to write is to practise and edit and just keep on trying. I am still learning all the time and have gained so much from this site and hope you will too.

 

[AChild]

hello hello high

UnderYourSpell is correct. (Again DAMMIT.) I think you should also take out some of the "like"s. Make poem stronger. You could explore the metaphor some more. How does an act of love melt ice? How did the avalanche start? Was there yelling? Things that broke the crust of ice?

Just things to think about. Avalanche is a good metaphor by the way, keep writing.

 

[miss_mystery]

Hey -

The advice from UnderYourSpell made me giggle. Ending a sentence with a proposition? That's how the hooker got early parole.

More to the point - this poem sucks. I hate to harsh your mellow, but:
1. the rhymes are deeply, deeply tortured. You've chosen consonant words simply because they rhyme (or don't - 'warmth/snowstorm' certainly doesn't) and then padded your rhymes with incoherency to make couplets. Writing with rhyme is a skill, and one that can take years to develop. Which brings me to my second point.
2. You can't write in rhyme unless you have some skill with meter. This attempt at a poem has no meter at all, none, zip, zilch. Meter is the art of arranging syllabic stresses to lend rhythm to spoken language. Have a look at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meter_(poetry) , in order to gain a basic understanding of why what you've done here isn't working.
3. You've virtually no concrete imagery here for your reader to get his/her teeth into. I can't see/smell/hear/taste or imagine touching a single thing in your poem, other than a 'cold shoulder'. You've mostly focused on babbling description of 'feelings', 'souls', and 'spirits', none of which I can relate to in any real way.
4. The poem is loaded with cliches, and trite constructions. Souls, that aforementioned cold shoulder (so cliche as to have become an idiom), rekindling fires... there's nothing to save here.
5. Syntactically, this thing is a mess. No punctuation, a serious lack of regard for grammar - I think the only positive thing I can say is that you've not made a single spelling mistake.

So, pix, my advice to you is to throw the whole mess out, and start again. Think of a conceit or theme to hang your idea around, and start to flesh it out. Simultaneously, read lots of poetry - read some contemporary poetry. Buy a couple of different anthologies.

And remember - poetry is not (!) 'feelings'. It could be argued that poetry is many things, but it is definitely clear, concise communication. Poetry is also hard work.

Best of luck.

I would love feedback please, much appreciated..

AVALANCHE

Like a bullet it hit me, shot right through my soul
If you could view my heart, you will see the hole

I heard the words repeat itself over and over
As I leaned my head to lie on your cold shoulder

I am a glutton for the love you are so stingy to distribute
You complain about everything and how I don’t contribute

But when I open up inside and decide to share my warmth
You shove me back and smother the flames like a snowstorm

The ice wears downs my spirit, someone please defrost me
Your endless arguing and bickering always seem to exhausts me

And just when we have reconciled, rekindled a fire
You send an avalanche that freezes our love and I am tired

It paralyzes the feelings I possess and it distorts my state of mind
It petrifies every living part of me and its like I am stuck in time

Waiting around for your icy heart to thaw and release the love
That I have grown so used to and exclusively fond of

But just when things begin getting cozy again and my melting soul becomes free

I see in the distance your avalanche rushing down
headed towards me