Really BDSM or just playing

[lindahotstuff]

I am a mature married woman who likes being the domme. Am I really into BDSM? I love dressing up in leathers. I love taking my hubby as my slave to a club and humiliating him in public. But it is all fun, a laugh. Foreplay. I pretend spanking but I have no interest whatever in pain, torture, clamps, etc etc. and hubby wants to be my laything but doesn't want to be hurt. As a strong individual he enjoys acting the part as my slave but he isn't really sub in a genuine way.
I find the whole scene erotic and don't mind watching some punishment but neither hubby nor I get off on it. So perhaps I'm just using the BDSM scene as a route to bringing more eroticism into our sexplay.
Sometimes we meet a guy who likes to be dominated. We (hubby & I) do the same thing with him, but again we have no interest in real pain, it is all playful.
Hubby isn't always sub. He can take charge of me in the bedroom (when I let him LOL) and I think we have a fairly equal relationship, although I would never be slave to his master.
So, my question is this: am I a BDSM woman or just using the scene? How do real BDSM folk view people like me, hubby and our slaves?

 

[ecstaticsub]

It sounds to me like you are into roleplay. There is not wrong with that. You have found a way to keep your marriage fun and exciting in a way that both you and your husband enjoy.

As long as you are honest with others as far as letting them know it is just roleplay for you then I don't see why "real" BDSM folks should mind.

Have fun!

 

[Cattypuss]

Doesn't sound at all like BDSM to me. Sounds much more like exhibitionism with a dose of voyeurism and a liking for roleplay thrown in.

Not sure whether I am a "real" BDSM person... I am a bedroom-only sub and masochist (but both run deep in me). But why anyone should regard you as anything other than two people getting kicks - and all power to ya! - is beyond me.

 

[JMohegan]

The eroticization of public humiliation sounds genuinely kinky to me.

 

[Netzach]

So, my question is this: am I a BDSM woman or just using the scene? How do real BDSM folk view people like me, hubby and our slaves?

A fresh breath of outdoor air. Hi!

This:

perhaps I'm just using the BDSM scene as a route to bringing more eroticism into our sexplay

is what it's for, for me, frankly, in my marriage, anyway.

I don't consider my interest lightweight or pretend.

Sometimes I do really cathartic intense play, but it's play, it's fun, or at least it's good for you, like a really hard long run. It's not punishment. Using it as such holds no interest for me.

It doesn't have to be dark and heavy to matter, and it doesn't have to be anything more than *sexual* to matter.

 

[Homburg]

Sounds like fun. Not everyone is into pain.

BDSM is like a buffet of kink. Take the entrees and side dishes and such that you want, and leave the rest. No big deal. You don't have to follow someone else's rules.

 

[wicked woman]

Sounds like fun. Not everyone is into pain.

BDSM is like a buffet of kink. Take the entrees and side dishes and such that you want, and leave the rest. No big deal. You don't have to follow someone else's rules.

I agree completely. It should be fun, exciting, and you only need to partake of what you two desire.

Just last night I was talking to sir and he mentioned a sub, who in her younger years, used to sleep in a metal cage as required by her Dom. He asked me about it...whether I would do that...want to do that. I personally have no such desire...and neither does he. We both much prefer to sleep in a bed with the other beside us. We decided that in this, as in most things, our sexual desires are well matched.

I'm not that into labels and definitely not into 'real' versus I'm not sure what BDSM. I do however think it's crucial to find someone with an open mind and well matched desires. Sounds like you and your husband have it. So why worry about what others call it?

 

[Sayyid]

Not every BDSM relationship has to be 24/7, or even committed.

Sometimes it's just two people who engage in play together.

 

[Etoile]

There's no such thing as "really bdsm" or "just playing" - we all do this differently. You fit into the spectrum at exactly the place where you fit.

 

[Sayyid]

There's no such thing as "really bdsm" or "just playing" - we all do this differently. You fit into the spectrum at exactly the place where you fit.

Now I think of it, it's sort of like a spectrum between totally vanilla to edgeplay. Everything in between counts as "kink."

 

[MALIBUMAN666]

It pleases me that all the responses here have been positive. There are enough judgemental people in the world without needing them here. I haven't experienced negativity from 'hardcore proper bdsm'ers', but i have read about it. It's not just in bdsm that you get this sort of thing though, it's like you're not a proper football fan unless you go to every game, or you're not a real death metal fan unless you listen to hate eternal 24/7. So if anyone tells you you're not a proper bdsm'er unless you go to bed bleeding every night, just tell them, okay - so what, so you don't get a badge? big wow. Just do what you wanna do and enjoy it. Who cares what anyone else thinks anyway?

 

[lindahotstuff]

Thanks for all those comments. I have always been a bit uncertain about saying that i am in the bdsm scene, but I will feel more comfortable from now on in expressing myself in terms of the continuum. Whilst I agree labels shouldn't be important, hubby and I do find that people want to categorise you fairly early on as to what you are. So for example, lit has a bdsm board, but I've never been sure how well my posts fit in there versus elsewhere. So are some of my kinks bdsm kinks for here or more traditional kinks for elsewhere (I'm bi so also use the glbt board). Some lit commentators get upset for "using the wrong board". Thanks to you all.