Consideration For Others

[BiBunny]

Ok, I was having a conversation with Kitty earlier. We have some damned inconsiderate friends. It seems like every other day, I'm getting annoyed because of some dumbass thing one of them has done.

Now, because I realize that the only common denominator here is us, I'm trying to decide if we're just overly sensitive, or if we just attract assholes, LOL. So, of course, I'm asking y'all because it'd be sort of obnoxious to ask these same friends about this.

Let me just say this. I was raised by parents (especially my mother, but my father, too) who were extremely strict about manners and how you're supposed to treat others, particularly guests in your home. So I have all these ideas about what you're "supposed" to do and what you shouldn't do. In spite of all my issues about being around people, I do my best to be the perfect hostess. That's just how I was raised.

But maybe it's just me. Maybe no one but me and Kitty actually stick to these rules, LOL. I'll give a couple of examples.

I think it's extremely rude for someone to go into the kitchen (mine or their own) and fix themselves something to eat without asking me if I want something. But people do. I also think it's extremely rude to eat all of something without first asking the other people around if they would like some.

Or maybe I've been cleaning, and they proceed to come charging inside and leave things strewn everywhere, leaving a trail behind them. Um, excuse me? I JUST got everything picked up, and now you're making a mess again!

I literally had one person, because I always say things like "please" and "thank you" and "excuse me" or whatever, actually ask me, "Are you always this polite?" Well...yeah.

These things are just automatic with me. It's not stuff I have to think about. I don't think to myself, "Oh, God, I must ask so-and-so if they want a Coke, so they won't think I'm an inconsiderate ass." To me, it's just naturally how things are done. I think every man for himself is kind of a barbaric way of doing things and suggests a lack of consideration for other people's time/effort/feelings.

But because it hardly ever seems to go the other way, I'm asking y'all. Are we taking this little shit too seriously? Or do we just attract jackasses?

 

[MisterSir]

Third option - neither.

I don't see anything wrong with the examples you bring up, and I do the same thing with pretty much all of my food because it seems like a douchebag move not to, but just because they haven't been brought up in the same way as you doesn't make them jackasses unless they're doing it deliberately; the chances are good that somebody who makes themselves a drink without offering you one was never taught that that was rude or, in fact, anything other than normal.

I was raised by parents (especially my mother, but my father, too) who were extremely strict about manners and how you're supposed to treat others, particularly guests in your home.

Says it all. You were raised like that, another person wasn't, you have different ideas of what's considered normal. Relax.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I don't think your taking it too serious, or having too high expectations, I just think that the type people you describe in your life unfortunately are more the norm than the exception in today's world. Manners are for many a thing of the past, consideration a joke and reason to ridicule those who possess and use it. Sorry I can't offer a solution except removing these people from your lives completely, and that can also have its downsides. Sometimes it is just accepting people are different, have different criteria and background, and then working positively toward trying not to let it irritate or upset you....easier said than done sometimes though.

Catalina

 

[nh23]

Rude buttholes. The whole lot of them.

 

[DiscusDave]

One of my closest friends (love him to death) annoys the hell out of me when he comes over. When I'm at his house, if he goes into the kitchen and fixes himself something and doesn't ask me... that's cool. It's his house, and his food. But what bothers me is when he comes over to mine, and assumes he has free reign over my fridge and pantry. When we're at my house, at least ask if you could make yourself something using MY food! And he's notorious for leaving food stuff everywhere. If he uses something like a book, gaming counsel, TV remote, pillow, etc. he almost instantly puts it away when he's done using it. But candy wrappers, empty cups, plates, crumpled up napkins form his meal he didn't ask to make, empty yogurt containers, etc. he leaves for me to clean up! That is inconsiderate of him.

Granted he's one of my closest friends and I wouldn't trade him, but everyone has their flaws.

 

[Bi_Kitty]

Ok, so if we aren't being over sensitive here, how do we get the our friends to know how we feel without looking like we are just saying "you are rude?"

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Ok, so if we aren't being over sensitive here, how do we get the our friends to know how we feel without looking like we are just saying "you are rude?"

Good freakin' luck with that, kiddos. Sorry to say it, but youse guys were raised under a standard that sadly doesn't seem to be "valid" any more. I *know* y'all are mannerly, because I've met you and spent time with you, and was perfectly comfortable. Unfortunately, most of your generation were raised by the "Me generation," which focused largely on self-gratification and self-satisfaction and spared little or no thought for the comfort or efforts of others.

Trying to get your friends to understand how you feel about the situation is a losing cause. You *could,* without saying a word, go right behind them picking up the mess they're making, and keep doing it until the light dawns even on them, but even that may not be effective. You will probably have to make a choice to either just live with the way they are by focusing on their better qualities, or find new friends whose bringin'-up was more similar to your own.

 

[CutieMouse]

Ok, so if we aren't being over sensitive here, how do we get the our friends to know how we feel without looking like we are just saying "you are rude?"

You look at them and say Dude... raised my monkey's much? Love ya but XYZ is making me grind my teeth because I hate being disrespected in my own house. So please, pick up after yourself/blahblahblah like a good 5 year old, k?



IMO there's nothing wrong with [politely as possible] telling people their behavior is rude.

 

[BiBunny]

You look at them and say Dude... raised my monkey's much? Love ya but XYZ is making me grind my teeth because I hate being disrespected in my own house. So please, pick up after yourself/blahblahblah like a good 5 year old, k?



IMO there's nothing wrong with [politely as possible] telling people their behavior is rude.

It really is like having children, I swear.

Oh, and thank you for the compliment, Sir W!

 

[Netzach]

How do you not feed people out of your kitchen or at least offer?

You know, I wasn't raised as well as a lot of people, but seriously. Man.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

.... Oh, and thank you for the compliment, Sir W!

Not a compliment, hon - just a straightforward observation of fact.

 

[Bi_Kitty]

Good freakin' luck with that, kiddos. Sorry to say it, but youse guys were raised under a standard that sadly doesn't seem to be "valid" any more. I *know* y'all are mannerly, because I've met you and spent time with you, and was perfectly comfortable. Unfortunately, most of your generation were raised by the "Me generation," which focused largely on self-gratification and self-satisfaction and spared little or no thought for the comfort or efforts of others.

Trying to get your friends to understand how you feel about the situation is a losing cause. You *could,* without saying a word, go right behind them picking up the mess they're making, and keep doing it until the light dawns even on them, but even that may not be effective. You will probably have to make a choice to either just live with the way they are by focusing on their better qualities, or find new friends whose bringin'-up was more similar to your own.

Thank you for the compliment.

 

[BiBunny]

How do you not feed people out of your kitchen or at least offer?

You know, I wasn't raised as well as a lot of people, but seriously. Man.

I have no idea. It's either they don't offer at all, or they say, "Do you want something?", and we say, "Sure," and then they don't bring us anything and don't tell us to help ourselves, either. Then I'm left wondering why they asked in the first place. Just for their own personal edification?

I dunno, maybe I take this crap too seriously, but geez.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Thank you for the compliment.

Not a compliment, hon - just a straightforward observation of fact.



(Is there an echo in here?)

 

[wicked woman]

Another vote that you're not insensitive. You have manners...they don't.

It's not just the younger generation that often lacks manners. I was recently having lunch at a golf and country club with my partners. Since we all ordered different meals and there were a number of us, our food came at different times. When I received my food, others hadn't so I waited until everyone had their food before I started eating. My actions were so out of place in comparison to my partners that one of them actually asked me if I was waiting for everyone to have their food before I started eating. 'Yes.' I don't know what barn they were raised in, but where I grew up, that's just good manners.

 

[BiBunny]

Another vote that you're not insensitive. You have manners...they don't.

It's not just the younger generation that often lacks manners. I was recently having lunch at a golf and country club with my partners. Since we all ordered different meals and there were a number of us, our food came at different times. When I received my food, others hadn't so I waited until everyone had their food before I started eating. My actions were so out of place in comparison to my partners that one of them actually asked me if I was waiting for everyone to have their food before I started eating. 'Yes.' I don't know what barn they were raised in, but where I grew up, that's just good manners.

Girl, you just hit on another of my pet peeves! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

.... You have manners...they don't.

It's not just the younger generation that often lacks manners. .... but where I grew up, that's just good manners.

The problem is that for many - too many! - "manners" is an outdated concept. <Le sigh>

 

[wicked woman]

The problem is that for many - too many! - "manners" is an outdated concept. <Le sigh>

Perhaps but I'll never buy into it.


My sons were taught manners from a very young age. They weren't for special occasions, I expected them at home too. It permitted them to go to all sorts of adult places when they were young.

Even as young as 13, my son had manners that were the envy of his girlfriend's girlfriends. My sons have good manners, but they're not exceptional. Just says more about everyone else.


oh something else that bugs me. When an elderly person (either male or female) or a pregnant woman gets on the subway and a man doesn't get up to give them a seat. I feel so bad about it that I get up and offer them my seat. Yes I know sometimes it means you won't get a seat...but still.

 

[CurlyKat]

Another vote that you're not insensitive. You have manners...they don't.

It's not just the younger generation that often lacks manners. I was recently having lunch at a golf and country club with my partners. Since we all ordered different meals and there were a number of us, our food came at different times. When I received my food, others hadn't so I waited until everyone had their food before I started eating. My actions were so out of place in comparison to my partners that one of them actually asked me if I was waiting for everyone to have their food before I started eating. 'Yes.' I don't know what barn they were raised in, but where I grew up, that's just good manners.

That was a huge adjustment in moving here, because how I was raised that was a huge thing. It's rude to eat while someone else is waiting. But here, in a restaurant, you SHOULD eat as soon as you get your food. If you don't everyone thinks there is something wroing with your food and the kitchen staff and wait staff take it as an insult. Now, it's different if the waiter brings one dish, then goes immediately back to bring another. Then waiting is okay. But if it's going to be a good while, they expect you to dig in.

It still makes me uncomfortable to do that, but everyone I've been to a restaurant here knows that's the expectation. Insulting the host nation restaurants is not something I want to do, because frankly they've got the good food.

If we're eating at home or a friend's house or something, though, that's a totally different story. You wait until everyone has their food.

On the offering food to guests note: it's a sign of hospitality and welcome to offer food. That's what makes it just plain rude to NOT do it.

 

[graceanne]

Honestly, if it's bugging you that much, say something. If it pisses them off that much, then I'd say they're not very good friends. Assuming you don't bring the subject up by calling them rude assholes.

 

[BiBunny]

Honestly, if it's bugging you that much, say something. If it pisses them off that much, then I'd say they're not very good friends. Assuming you don't bring the subject up by calling them rude assholes.

Damn!

Well...I'll try to restrain myself.

 

[graceanne]

Damn!

Well...I'll try to restrain myself.

Sorry to ruin your fun.

 

[Netzach]

Perhaps but I'll never buy into it.


My sons were taught manners from a very young age. They weren't for special occasions, I expected them at home too. It permitted them to go to all sorts of adult places when they were young.

Even as young as 13, my son had manners that were the envy of his girlfriend's girlfriends. My sons have good manners, but they're not exceptional. Just says more about everyone else.


oh something else that bugs me. When an elderly person (either male or female) or a pregnant woman gets on the subway and a man doesn't get up to give them a seat. I feel so bad about it that I get up and offer them my seat. Yes I know sometimes it means you won't get a seat...but still.

I always did this without looking around to see if the nearest man would or not. (?) NYC transit was so much of my life, I just always hear my mother mentally chewing me out if I don't.

I do, however, sit not in the front so I don't have to deal with this issue if possible.

 

[bridgeburner]

I'm with the Mouse and Gracie. Say something - politely - and then move on as needed.

I was raised in a "please and thank you, yes, ma'am, no, sir" family. Southern-style graciousness was modeled and taught.

It's really gratifying to be out with my brother and his children -- 8, 5, 2 --- and have strangers compliment him on the kids' manners. They're kids, they have plenty of fun but they don't need the kind of fun that offends and disrupts others. They clear their plates from the table both at home and when they are guests. They please and thankyou. They are aware of being the cutest, smartest most talented loved and special children in the world --- but not the only people in existence.

 

[bridgeburner]

I always did this without looking around to see if the nearest man would or not. (?) NYC transit was so much of my life, I just always hear my mother mentally chewing me out if I don't.

Yeah, I'm a seat giver as well. A door holder, a grocery carrier, an arm lender and a stop and ask if everything is alright-er. I look out for the oldies and infirm as much as for children, because not unlike children, they are often overlooked and out of their depth as the world races so importantly around them.