the marks of a slave

[xander1083]

Thank yu so much for sharing your moments

 

[purrrrrtee]

Thank you eastern sun.. I understand more and more the longer I delve into this lifestyle.. to understand that you can live your whole life catering to your Master... I would so love to have that..

I am currently without one and I am afraid I am not really interested in seeking another.. I do not know if this is just because my desires to please HIM are still very strong in me or what..

but I did enjoy reading much of your thread..

thank you very much..

 

[xander1083]

I really enjoy this thread and I'm looking for more stories from you

 

[Adakgirl]

Thank you.

Thank you for your kind words, and your support and encouragement. Thank you for reading the thread. After spending most of my youth with profound and painful "writer's block," it has been extremely rewarding to open this channel of expression.

My husband started encouraging me to write about my experience a few years ago. He thought there was a book in it somewhere. But I'm afraid to "come out" as a slave within my own community, especially with my kids around. I find comfort in this anonymous forum, and am so grateful for the opportunity to speak freely here.

so write it under a different name..cant spell it..syudonim?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Edited.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

so write it under a different name..cant spell it..syudonim?

It's pseudonym, or a pen name, like 'Slave du jour.'

 

[myinnerslut]

sometimes, being a slave means doing the plumbing. and feeling really good to do something he hates so he doesnt have to.

 

[Adakgirl]

Thank you Velvet!

 

[eastern sun]

It's pseudonym, or a pen name, like 'Slave du jour.'

or 'eastern sun'

 

[BiBunny]

Is there ever a point where you stop struggling, stop grappling, and finally come to terms with who and what you are? Or will it always be a constant one step forward and two steps back kind of thing?

Can you be deliriously happy and utterly miserable at the same time? It certainly feels that way.

 

[eastern sun]

Is there ever a point where you stop struggling, stop grappling, and finally come to terms with who and what you are? Or will it always be a constant one step forward and two steps back kind of thing?

Can you be deliriously happy and utterly miserable at the same time? It certainly feels that way.

As I feared back in the beginning, my husband and I have gotten way too self-conscious with this thread. It's been difficult at times, as we started acting in artificial ways with each other. Frustrating. Disappointing.

Whereas our relationship had always been largely unexamined, now that we were reflecting it in this forum, we started noticing aspects of it that led to further examination, that led to analytical dissection, that led to artificial conceptualization, and suddenly we found ourselves behaving in ways that were based on the thoughts we were having, and the subtle, naturalness of our power dynamics became stultified and rigid and "wrong."

A couple of weeks ago, we realized that the relationship we had before the thread had undergone a transformation, and neither of us loved what was happening.

Why do I think this is relevant to your question?

I'm not sure, but I think it might be because the discomfort we felt was always part of the "thinking" we were doing. The ways "this" should or shouldn't be happening, whatever "this" was. The ways reality failed to live up to an ideal.

The power dynamics exist. They are undeniable. Live them. Work with them. Play with them. Enjoy them. But limit the pain to what's real. What exists. There's no need to anticipate more. Let go of the models. The concepts. The ideas. They just become measurements of our success and failure.

I used to know that. But I forgot what I knew when I became mesmerized by my own reflection in this web of words.

And then wondered what happened when reality failed to live up to its idealized form.

 

[BiBunny]

As I feared back in the beginning, my husband and I have gotten way too self-conscious with this thread. It's been difficult at times, as we started acting in artificial ways with each other. Frustrating. Disappointing.

Whereas our relationship had always been largely unexamined, now that we were reflecting it in this forum, we started noticing aspects of it that led to further examination, that led to analytical dissection, that led to artificial conceptualization, and suddenly we found ourselves behaving in ways that were based on the thoughts we were having, and the subtle, naturalness of our power dynamics became stultified and rigid and "wrong."

A couple of weeks ago, we realized that the relationship we had before the thread had undergone a transformation, and neither of us loved what was happening.

Why do I think this is relevant to your question?

I'm not sure, but I think it might be because the discomfort we felt was always part of the "thinking" we were doing. The ways "this" should or shouldn't be happening, whatever "this" was. The ways reality failed to live up to an ideal.

The power dynamics exist. They are undeniable. Live them. Work with them. Play with them. Enjoy them. But limit the pain to what's real. What exists. There's no need to anticipate more. Let go of the models. The concepts. The ideas. They just become measurements of our success and failure.

I used to know that. But I forgot what I knew when I became mesmerized by my own reflection in this web of words.

And then wondered what happened when reality failed to live up to its idealized form.

Thank you. You are an inspiration, both of you.

 

[intothewoods]

As I feared back in the beginning, my husband and I have gotten way too self-conscious with this thread. It's been difficult at times, as we started acting in artificial ways with each other. Frustrating. Disappointing.

Whereas our relationship had always been largely unexamined, now that we were reflecting it in this forum, we started noticing aspects of it that led to further examination, that led to analytical dissection, that led to artificial conceptualization, and suddenly we found ourselves behaving in ways that were based on the thoughts we were having, and the subtle, naturalness of our power dynamics became stultified and rigid and "wrong."

A couple of weeks ago, we realized that the relationship we had before the thread had undergone a transformation, and neither of us loved what was happening.

Why do I think this is relevant to your question?

I'm not sure, but I think it might be because the discomfort we felt was always part of the "thinking" we were doing. The ways "this" should or shouldn't be happening, whatever "this" was. The ways reality failed to live up to an ideal.

The power dynamics exist. They are undeniable. Live them. Work with them. Play with them. Enjoy them. But limit the pain to what's real. What exists. There's no need to anticipate more. Let go of the models. The concepts. The ideas. They just become measurements of our success and failure.

I used to know that. But I forgot what I knew when I became mesmerized by my own reflection in this web of words.

And then wondered what happened when reality failed to live up to its idealized form.

Real life is messy and fucked up sometimes. I've journaled online in other forums for quite some time, and have had real life blow up around me and not know how to talk about it. It sucks when you're in the midst of it, but I also think it's always a good idea to reevalute how much you share online, how you discuss your life, etc. In other words, don't sweat it.

 

[eastern sun]

Thank you. You are an inspiration, both of you.

Even as I willingly gave power to my husband, even as I allowed him to mold the shape of my life with his changeable will, I questioned what I was doing. For years. Maybe 14 years. Of back and forth and why am I doing this? and what should I do next, M? And "is this good for me?!!!??"

And then finally I realized there wasn't any use in fighting it, it was the way it was, and it was what I asked for. And then there was another 7 years of "now you have everything you ever wanted, time to learn how to live."

And I still had to find myself back in the middle of my earliest mistakes in order to find my way out again. To a place where maybe I'm taking my first baby steps.

They call this process - "life."

But I'm favoring Velvet's metaphors tonight.

I want to call it "the road." Cause it seems like the shoulders are pretty clearly marked, there are forks and crossroads where you can change direction when it's necessary, and the rest of the time . . . well, there are no routes that aren't scenic.

 

[eastern sun]

Real life is messy and fucked up sometimes. I've journaled online in other forums for quite some time, and have had real life blow up around me and not know how to talk about it. It sucks when you're in the midst of it, but I also think it's always a good idea to reevalute how much you share online, how you discuss your life, etc. In other words, don't sweat it.

What conclusion have you come to? In terms of how much you share online, how your discuss your life, etc.

I'm a storyteller by trade. I collect stories. And I think a lot about how people use stories educationally and psychologically.

I think it's interesting how we create ourselves with the stories we tell. I can tell myself the story of my day and make myself feel great. I can tell the same story from a different perspective and feel like crap. Why I choose one form of the story over another (and whether I have conscious choice in my telling) is endlessly fascinating to me.

I've only been writing in the last few years though. There's a difference between writing and storytelling. Stories can be very fluid and flexible in the moment. Writing on the other hand is fixed. You can look back on it and it doesn't change. I've learned to like that.

I spent most of my youth trying to collapse the distance that I thought writing brought to experience. I wanted to dwell in the experience of life before verbalization creates form - contacting everything and everyone with my senses before I had a chance to "put it into words." And I often ended up stumbling through the world without any clear sense of direction at all, bombarded by stimuli, always reacting to the "world out there."

The interesting place is the interface where our stories meet the real stuff of the world. There are these moments . . . where the story isn't written yet, and the outcome is unknowable. But a choice is clear.

I'm having a very interesting time these days learning when it is important to make a choice and when it doesn't matter. And how to make a choice and act on it without so much drama.

You would think a forty-seven year old woman would know how to do this. But this slave doesn't have a habit of making choices. I have a habit of making habits.

 

[intothewoods]

What conclusion have you come to? In terms of how much you share online, how your discuss your life, etc.
I'm a storyteller by trade. I collect stories. And I think a lot about how people use stories educationally and psychologically.

I think it's interesting how we create ourselves with the stories we tell. I can tell myself the story of my day and make myself feel great. I can tell the same story from a different perspective and feel like crap. Why I choose one form of the story over another (and whether I have conscious choice in my telling) is endlessly fascinating to me.

I've only been writing in the last few years though. There's a difference between writing and storytelling. Stories can be very fluid and flexible in the moment. Writing on the other hand is fixed. You can look back on it and it doesn't change. I've learned to like that.

I spent most of my youth trying to collapse the distance that I thought writing brought to experience. I wanted to dwell in the experience of life before verbalization creates form - contacting everything and everyone with my senses before I had a chance to "put it into words." And I often ended up stumbling through the world without any clear sense of direction at all, bombarded by stimuli, always reacting to the "world out there."

The interesting place is the interface where our stories meet the real stuff of the world. There are these moments . . . where the story isn't written yet, and the outcome is unknowable. But a choice is clear.

I'm having a very interesting time these days learning when it is important to make a choice and when it doesn't matter. And how to make a choice and act on it without so much drama.

You would think a forty-seven year old woman would know how to do this. But this slave doesn't have a habit of making choices. I have a habit of making habits.

I haven't. Well, I have and I haven't. I've restricted a lot more of what I share online, first and foremost. That's helped me to feel in control over things, but it's been a little sad too. I miss the freedom of the early days writing on the 'net.

I'm a writer by hobby , and my style is pretty straightforward and honest. I have so much I want to write about at the moment, but when I start I think, oh god, my kid will read this. In my rational mind I can work through that, but then I'm still staring at the screen. The other part of me is afraid that my writing will be really petty and whiny.

I think I need to go to a workshop or something. Get over the hump.

 

[HisSexyPet]

What conclusion have you come to? In terms of how much you share online, how your discuss your life, etc.

I'm a storyteller by trade. I collect stories. And I think a lot about how people use stories educationally and psychologically.

I think it's interesting how we create ourselves with the stories we tell. I can tell myself the story of my day and make myself feel great. I can tell the same story from a different perspective and feel like crap. Why I choose one form of the story over another (and whether I have conscious choice in my telling) is endlessly fascinating to me.

I've only been writing in the last few years though. There's a difference between writing and storytelling. Stories can be very fluid and flexible in the moment. Writing on the other hand is fixed. You can look back on it and it doesn't change. I've learned to like that.

I spent most of my youth trying to collapse the distance that I thought writing brought to experience. I wanted to dwell in the experience of life before verbalization creates form - contacting everything and everyone with my senses before I had a chance to "put it into words." And I often ended up stumbling through the world without any clear sense of direction at all, bombarded by stimuli, always reacting to the "world out there."

The interesting place is the interface where our stories meet the real stuff of the world. There are these moments . . . where the story isn't written yet, and the outcome is unknowable. But a choice is clear.

I'm having a very interesting time these days learning when it is important to make a choice and when it doesn't matter. And how to make a choice and act on it without so much drama.

You would think a forty-seven year old woman would know how to do this. But this slave doesn't have a habit of making choices. I have a habit of making habits.

I am two years older than you but still don't know how to do this. I am still struggling with not making the choice, but the acting on without so much drama. Or so afraid of the drama I don't act.

 

[ownedsubgal]

Can you be deliriously happy and utterly miserable at the same time? It certainly feels that way.

absolutely. i'm starting to wonder if one can fully exist without the other.

 

[eastern sun]

absolutely. i'm starting to wonder if one can fully exist without the other.

I agree. I think they come together, like the two sides of a coin, or the rise and fall of a wave.

Lately, because I don't want to impose my misery on my kids (an unfortunate consequence of chasing that delirium), I've been holding myself on a more steady keel. And I do believe that, with practice, those intense highs and dismal lows can find some stability in a wide open (very vulnerable and compassionate) middle ground.

In other words, the high and low points mark (and stretch) the boundaries of my soul. Now that wide and mountainous territory has been staked, it is mine to live in and to fill with a simpler goodness and love if I choose.

And the more empty space I have inside, the more I have to offer.

 

[Adakgirl]

Is there ever a point where you stop struggling, stop grappling, and finally come to terms with who and what you are? Or will it always be a constant one step forward and two steps back kind of thing?

Can you be deliriously happy and utterly miserable at the same time? It certainly feels that way.

I better put a disclaimer in here to conform to what nh23 seems to think my mode of posting should be: DISCLAIMER: This comment comes from one who has no real life f2f experience in the BDSM lifestyle, or with M/s D/s relationships.:

BiBunny I am not a slave and I have not yet found that point in my life. Don't think it exists. The moment I stop the struggle, the grappling and come to terms with who and what I am... changes occur in me or around me and I have to start all over again.

I don't think it has much to do with your choice of lifestyle and more to do with growing and learning how to accept the fact we are evil and we are at the same time good, smart and stupid, beautiful and ugly, lazy and productive/ One cannot exist without the other, without positive there can be no negative, without bad there can be no good.

All we can do is the best we can. If you don't manage to do the best you can at the moment...you will have to do the best you can later to fix it. If you cant fix it then you can learn from it.

 

[Netzach]

I agree. I think they come together, like the two sides of a coin, or the rise and fall of a wave.

Lately, because I don't want to impose my misery on my kids (an unfortunate consequence of chasing that delirium), I've been holding myself on a more steady keel. And I do believe that, with practice, those intense highs and dismal lows can find some stability in a wide open (very vulnerable and compassionate) middle ground.

In other words, the high and low points mark (and stretch) the boundaries of my soul. Now that wide and mountainous territory has been staked, it is mine to live in and to fill with a simpler goodness and love if I choose.

And the more empty space I have inside, the more I have to offer.

I'm off M/s and onto philo:

do you really think those things can be controlled via avoidance? That you can say "Now I will dwell in the valley between my highs and my lows."

We're flesh and blood. It's a given we're going to be miserable, ecstatic and all points in between. Your kids, too, no matter what you do about it.

Chasing any of it, is a kind of hubris, to me. It chases you.

 

[BlitzKrieger]

I better put a disclaimer in here to conform to what nh23 seems to think my mode of posting should be

Seeing this saddens me. I assumed that this was a place built on the concept of free speech for non-conformists. Apparently certain individuals have taken upon themselves to impose their own definitions of what is "right" and "true" standards and practices for behavior, even here. Adakgirl, I am truly sorry that you had to add that disclaimer to your post. It is a travesty and a mark of shame on all of these boards.

 

[Netzach]

Oh please.

 

[Homburg]

I'm off M/s and onto philo:

do you really think those things can be controlled via avoidance? That you can say "Now I will dwell in the valley between my highs and my lows."

We're flesh and blood. It's a given we're going to be miserable, ecstatic and all points in between. Your kids, too, no matter what you do about it.

Chasing any of it, is a kind of hubris, to me. It chases you.

It is possible, but only with a (literally) zen-like rewrite of your goals, desires, wants, and clear eye towards your needs. "Desire is the root of all suffering," and all that.

Even then, highs and lows will occur. They're just a bit more muted.

 

[Netzach]

It is possible, but only with a (literally) zen-like rewrite of your goals, desires, wants, and clear eye towards your needs. "Desire is the root of all suffering," and all that.

Even then, highs and lows will occur. They're just a bit more muted.

My take on it is that even the zen monk experiences these things and doesn't try and mute them or do anything but experience them - the level of investment/attachment/panic that the rest of us experience is the difference.