A lil feedback goes a long way

[kromen]

Hi all. Just put up my seventh story. Maybe it's because I've been away for awhile, or my cat gets ignored lately, but I've been receiving little votes and no public comments. If you have time, could you take a look at my tales, especially the last one "Three A.M.". I'm more interested in whether I'm taking my writing in the right direction or not. Thanks.

K.R.

 

[kromen]

Self-bump.

 

[MiliktheRed]

Could you provide a link to your stories?

 

[geronimo_appleby]

Could you provide a link to your stories?

the links are there in the sig.

 

[geronimo_appleby]

i just read three A.M.

i'm not normally a reader of the stories, and this feedback is based purely upon my own view of course.

i read it through once and then again; there was something missing for me. i think it's because there's little dialogue. it seemed one-sided to me - prolly 'cos of the first person POV.

technically, as far as i know (and i don't know much), the piece is pretty sound. spelling, grammar, punc. etc. all good, or at least no real bloopers that jumped out.

simile and metaphor was a tad flowery for my taste - again, a purely personal pref. and not a criticism as such.

as for you heading in the right direction, my only suggestion is to experiment with different syles and story categories.

 

[kromen]

Thanks for the read. I appreciate the feedback and will take that into account with future tales.

 

[geronimo_appleby]

Thanks for the read. I appreciate the feedback and will take that into account with future tales.

just an opinion.

no doubt there will be someone with the exact opposite view - horses for courses.

enjoy yourself anyway.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Three am; I go with geronimo. The writing is good, metaphors and similes a tad overblown, but this has no tension. It is a monologue of 'I' without a secondary character to play off. It could have worked better if 'I' had articulated the thoughts of his girlfriend/wife (see, we don't know) and mentally argued against them.

Without plot, we are really just left with, 'I came home from a trip, she was asleep naked and I fucked her.' You need to get us involved with your characters to make us care. Here you just give us a guy coming home for a bit of nooky. Even giving them names is a start.

Summary, you write well but plot poorly.

 

[njailarhee]

I've never recieved feed back on a story, like ever, except when I submitted the wrong file and the editor's notes were the body of the story and everyone jumped down my throat.

 

[driphoney]

kromen,
I read 3 A.M. I'm not an expert, or even close. I pretty much agree with the others. However, though I like plot and struggle greatly with it, I don't think a stroke piece necessarily needs much of one. A good scene is just fine. I even wrote one. While my feedback was by and large excellent, my ratings were atrocious. At least you don't have that!

The only reason I mention it is because I don't think plot is necessary. You do need some other elements to keep interest. Like some dialogue. In your story, after you get home to your sweetie, she needs to come alive in the story. You have a bit more than a scene because you start us on the plane. You could flesh this out and have a nice piece.

I think you have real talent. You just need to develop (like moi!)

Keep writing.

 

[driphoney]

I've never received feed back on a story, like ever, except when I submitted the wrong file and the editor's notes were the body of the story and everyone jumped down my throat.

I don't think Lit hates you. They gave you a coveted green E. Someone liked you very much. As for why it didn't bring in comments, I can't say. The very reason that it got the attention of the site editor might very well be the thing that keeps commenters and voters away. It's too creative, too unique. Most of the readers here aren't, shall we say, thinking with the head that contains the brain.

Chin up!

Her story:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=426514

And an excerpt (very nice intro! ):

The Parable of Mr. Lim
by njailarhee©

"Mr. Lim, would you like to see my breasts?"

She was staring up at him, her eyes fearful, for what ever reason that he might say no. He couldn't think of what he had done to be so lucky. Before this moment he had considered himself a failure of a man. His wife had left him for a limey bucktooth lawyer, Victor heard a few years later that his son blew his brains all over his Tupac posters because he a poof. At forty-two he was the cuckold father of a dead faggot, yet, things were decidedly looking better.

 

[kromen]

As far as 3 am went, I pulled all the plot at the last minute to shorten it on purpose. I've been told I was "too wordy" for erotica before, so i guess it was an experiment to see if getting to the meat of the story with any warm-up was worth it.
I'd rather have a decent plot with character build-up, I've done with my earlier submissions. I think my problem getting people to read is in the presentation. I'll have to work on titles and tags this week. Ca sera sera.