Monogamy: Is it a dead idea?

[lesbiaphrodite]

This is just a question I have been pondering lately: Is monogamy still a viable concept and who aspires to it? What is your view?

For me, monogamy is the absolute goal in my love relationships. When I am in love, I am in love with one person only and I share myself only with that person. I want the same level of commitment from my partner. Maybe I'm anachronistic, but it just seems the right thing for me. I cannot feel otherwise about it. I completely understand that some people do not feel the same way, and I respect other opinions. What's yours?

 

[xssve]

This is just a question I have been pondering lately: Is monogamy still a viable concept and who aspires to it? What is your view?

For me, monogamy is the absolute goal in my love relationships. When I am in love, I am in love with one person only and I share myself only with that person. I want the same level of commitment from my partner. Maybe I'm anachronistic, but it just seems the right thing for me. I cannot feel otherwise about it. I completely understand that some people do not feel the same way, and I respect other opinions. What's yours?

No, it isn't, it's just become increasingly inconvenient.

 

[Katyusha]

This is just a question I have been pondering lately: Is monogamy still a viable concept and who aspires to it? What is your view?

For me, monogamy is the absolute goal in my love relationships. When I am in love, I am in love with one person only and I share myself only with that person. I want the same level of commitment from my partner. Maybe I'm anachronistic, but it just seems the right thing for me. I cannot feel otherwise about it. I completely understand that some people do not feel the same way, and I respect other opinions. What's yours?

My opinion is that monogamy is a choice, just as all boundaries in a relationship are a choice, but many people feel forced into it by society which is why, I think, cheating is so common. Not everyone is capable of being monogamous, but there are plenty of people who are. I just wish it wasn't such a rigid construct; people need to feel okay with whatever is right for them and not have to worry about what others will think about them if they buck society's rules.

My husband and I are currently monogamous, but we've experimented with an open marriage and while we both know ourselves well enough to know that we can separate sex from emotion, neither of us is able to trust the other to keep sex and emotion separate. The problem is, we're also honest enough with ourselves to know that there can be times when temptation is just too much (or we're just too weak ), so the boundaries in our relationship are always in a type of "flux." If he *must* have sex with another, I want him to feel he can be honest with me about it. I want him to feel he can tell me it's happened and maybe even why, without all the cover-ups and deception that come with cheating. And should I find myself in the same position, I don't want to have to worry about what he'd do if he found out.

If monogamy is your absolute goal in your romantic relationships then settling for anything less is only going to hurt you. I don't think you're holding onto an outdated concept here; it's what is right for you, and if it's right for you then that is what you should search for in another.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I own a book about couples therapy. The biggies in the field interviewed Milton Erickson about what dooms marriage (relationships) and involvement with others is right at the top of the list. Insisting on change, exploitation, and going for the money also rate high.

Now! I cant claim every relationship will crumble if you climb in bed with others, but I also know some people can walk tightropes and most of us cant. Its a long-shot.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I'm pro choice about it.

 

[jomar]

If two are of one mind anything can work.

 

[PeterHenson]

Monogamy sounds good in theory, the only bad part is that one or both of the people in the relationship either think about being with someone else or cheat and keep it a secret. Both instances go against the fundamental theory behind monogamy.

Worry more so about finding that one person you are compatible with and have your indiscretions on the side. If your really good at keeping a secret you can have a very long lasting and fulfilling relationship with whom ever.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Its my experience that I'm a ravenous horndog until I run into THE ONE, and then a switch is flipped in my head and no other woman exists.

 

[Belegon]

I'm with Stella. I'm pro-choice about it.

That means that I totally respect your choice to be monogamous and your desire to have your relationships be based on it.

I'm of the opinion that it absolutely is still a viable choice. It is, after all, still the most common choice in this country... by far.

As afar as cheating, Katushya's post indirectly speaks to what I have always felt is the thing about infidelity. It ain't the act. It is the aftermath. The lying, the deceit, the sneaking around, the fear of communicating about seemingly unrelated things because a hint could be given...

The sexual act is the least painful thing about cheating. It is all the other trust and friendship issues that are the real killers.

Monogamy is a wonderful thing... if you are monogamous. For me personally, monogamy was a burden... and getting rid of that burden improved my ability to have an honest relationship.

 

[Katyusha]

Monogamy sounds good in theory, the only bad part is that one or both of the people in the relationship either think about being with someone else or cheat and keep it a secret. Both instances go against the fundamental theory behind monogamy.

Worry more so about finding that one person you are compatible with and have your indiscretions on the side. If your really good at keeping a secret you can have a very long lasting and fulfilling relationship with whom ever.

I have to wholly disagree. Relationships are built on trust and communication. If you keep secrets from your partner, you've violated their trust. If you don't communicate with them about your needs and desires, and listen to theirs, the relationship eventually falls apart because neither person is being fulfilled. Resentment builds, contempt builds, and love dies. And under these circumstances, if they also find out you've been keeping secrets, not only does the love die, it dies a very ugly death. If the person you're with cannot give you what you need (in LA's case, her body, heart and soul ONLY to her), you won't be happy no matter how many "indiscretions" you have on the side.

This is why I say that couples need to be able to, and know how to, set their own boundaries. Cheating isn't sleeping with someone besides your partner, it's stepping outside the boundaries that you and your partner have agreed upon.

I think, for LA, someone who holds monogamy at as high a value as she does is part of the compatibility she wants to find with someone. There are people out there who also want their partners to give themselves only to them, so it's not like her expectations are too high for any mere mortal to live up to.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

You and Belgon make it sound like a business arrangement. I dont think either of you have been in love. When the right one comes along all the chocolate frosted bullshit goes away.

 

[Katyusha]

As afar as cheating, Katushya's post indirectly speaks to what I have always felt is the thing about infidelity. It ain't the act. It is the aftermath. The lying, the deceit, the sneaking around, the fear of communicating about seemingly unrelated things because a hint could be given...

The sexual act is the least painful thing about cheating. It is all the other trust and friendship issues that are the real killers.

Ayup.

 

[Liar]

The biggest problem with many monogamous relationships is when they're based on the assumption of all emcompassing fidelity. Whereas most can refrain from actually sleeping around, if they set their mind to it, the whole "only have eyes for each other" thing doesn't work long term. Attraction to others happens. Those who are not adult enough to acknowledge that, will carry a baggage full of insane expectations to a relationship, and nothing wrecks stuff more easily.

Or to put it in simple terms: I have a penis. I can and will control where I put it. But I can't and won't control where it points. If you can't handle that, you're too neurotic to date.

 

[Emperor_Nero]

Just because the chocolate frosted bullshit immediately goes away for you doesn't mean that it does for everyone and doesn't make the love they feel for their significant other any less than what you have felt.

I've had the honor and pleasure of meeting both Bel and Katy and I can tell you, when they both look at or talk about their SO you can suddenly see the light in their eyes that shows right down to the emotion in their hearts and the depths of their souls. What they feel is love, very strongly and very deeply.

Just because their relationships opt to express that differently than you makes it no less real and no less significant.

 

[PeterHenson]

I have to wholly disagree. Relationships are built on trust and communication. If you keep secrets from your partner, you've violated their trust. If you don't communicate with them about your needs and desires, and listen to theirs, the relationship eventually falls apart because neither person is being fulfilled. Resentment builds, contempt builds, and love dies. And under these circumstances, if they also find out you've been keeping secrets, not only does the love die, it dies a very ugly death. If the person you're with cannot give you what you need (in LA's case, her body, heart and soul ONLY to her), you won't be happy no matter how many "indiscretions" you have on the side.

This is why I say that couples need to be able to, and know how to, set their own boundaries. Cheating isn't sleeping with someone besides your partner, it's stepping outside the boundaries that you and your partner have agreed upon.

I think, for LA, someone who holds monogamy at as high a value as she does is part of the compatibility she wants to find with someone. There are people out there who also want their partners to give themselves only to them, so it's not like her expectations are too high for any mere mortal to live up to.

Well look at it from these view points:

Men and women cheat for different reasons, although some reasons may be shared.

The ironic thing is that a lot of women do things they would never do with their SO when they cheat, and the men cheat to do the same things with another woman that their SO said they will not do. Sounds like a communication issue in a lot of instances.

I've cheated and I don't think it changed my relationships one bit. It is only bad when the other person finds out. That is my honesty.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

LIAR

You talk that shit because youve never experienced the other. the other is a kind of Grace, I suppose.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Just because the chocolate frosted bullshit immediately goes away for you doesn't mean that it does for everyone and doesn't make the love they feel for their significant other any less than what you have felt.

I've had the honor and pleasure of meeting both Bel and Katy and I can tell you, when they both look at or talk about their SO you can suddenly see the light in their eyes that shows right down to the emotion in their hearts and the depths of their souls. What they feel is love, very strongly and very deeply.

Just because their relationships opt to express that differently than you makes it no less real and no less significant.

I dont buy it at all. People rationalize all kinds of nonsense. I'm saying that when the real thing comes along the crap disipates in an instant.

 

[Katyusha]

Well look at it from these view points:

Men and women cheat for different reasons, although some reasons may be shared.

The ironic thing is that a lot of women do things they would never do with their SO when they cheat, and the men cheat to do the same things with another woman that their SO said they will not do. Sounds like a communication issue in a lot of instances.

I've cheated and I don't think it changed my relationships one bit. It is only bad when the other person finds out. That is my honesty.

My husband cheated on me, a long time ago. In the aftermath, I would sit on the stairs and despair for my marriage, or lie in bed and cry myself to sleep at night, and any number of other ways of expressing pain. I couldn't stop thinking about it, but I came to the realization that most of what I was thinking about was the deception. I was far angrier and far more hurt over that than I was about his sleeping with someone else. Sure, the fact that he wanted to be with someone else hurt, but his lies called into question everything he'd ever told me. They made me wonder what else he wasn't telling me, everything from if there was more than one other woman to whether or not he felt I was capable of giving him whatever it was he was getting from her, to being afraid that he'd never been happy with me to begin with. Hell, I even wondered if he'd ever loved me.

And he swore up and down that there wasn't anything else he was keeping from me and I didn't believe him...because I couldn't.

I'm sorry, I just can't see how keeping secrets equates to honesty.

 

[PeterHenson]

My husband cheated on me, a long time ago. In the aftermath, I would sit on the stairs and despair for my marriage, or lie in bed and cry myself to sleep at night, and any number of other ways of expressing pain. I couldn't stop thinking about it, but I came to the realization that most of what I was thinking about was the deception. I was far angrier and far more hurt over that than I was about his sleeping with someone else. Sure, the fact that he wanted to be with someone else hurt, but his lies called into question everything he'd ever told me. They made me wonder what else he wasn't telling me, everything from if there was more than one other woman to whether or not he felt I was capable of giving him whatever it was he was getting from her, to being afraid that he'd never been happy with me to begin with. Hell, I even wondered if he'd ever loved me.

And he swore up and down that there wasn't anything else he was keeping from me and I didn't believe him...because I couldn't.

I'm sorry, I just can't see how keeping secrets equates to honesty.

Obviously your husband is not very good at keeping secrets. When I cheated I had no emotions or guilt about it, therefore I felt as though I did nothing wrong. Everyone is different and I can only speak for myself.

You must have believed in something to still stay with him. The bottom line is that cheating is inevitable and it is the way people deal with it that separates us.

People put to much stock into love and not enough stock into compatibility. If your compatible with someone and truly having fun with them then cheating is something that might not happen, but if your focuses on love and other bullshit in relationships and the person cheats then you create guilt and that can ruin a man or woman.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

There you go. Trust is a big part of it, and intimacy....nee...vulnerability. The so-called honesty is nothing more than betrayal of the intimacy.

 

[PeterHenson]

There you go. Trust is a big part of it, and intimacy....nee...vulnerability. The so-called honesty is nothing more than betrayal of the intimacy.

Fuck intimacy, just don't betray me financially.

 

[amicus]

"Me, me, me, I, I, I, or, I dunno...." An approximation of commentary on monogamy. Nary a word of ethics or morals as an absolute, as a course of action to pursue from which values may be gained.


Buy ya books, & buy ya books...

Amicus...

 

[Boota]

I used to work in a swingers club and I saw firsthand how things worked, or in some cases, didn't work. You would see couples who thought nothing of sex with other people, but maybe the husband licked the other woman's toes. Then it was on. Or a couple who had been together with another couple dozens of times and husband A has a quick and private thing with wife B. It was nothing that hadn't happened before, but the simple neglect of asking permission and doing it out of the presence of the other two involved spouses turned it into cheating. That's something that surprises people quite a bit. That swingers can cheat. There are usually very detailed rules governing allowed behavior between swinging couples and anything that happens outside of those set boundaries is cheating. And it gets very ugly. Which is why my friend who owned the club hired me to provide security there. Most people don't generally go there to fight, but things happen.

I tend to believe jealousy is the natural state of things and degrees of monogamy vary according to the level of jealous feelings. Some people are fine with a lot more than others. My wife is fine with girls who approach me after shows and it has never been, or will be, a problem. My singer's wife, on the other hand, hates the fact that he's even in a band because she's sure that everyone is trying to fuck him. (It's mostly true, but that's not really the point.)

 

[Safe_Bet]

This is just a question I have been pondering lately: Is monogamy still a viable concept and who aspires to it? What is your view?

For me, monogamy is the absolute goal in my love relationships. When I am in love, I am in love with one person only and I share myself only with that person. I want the same level of commitment from my partner. Maybe I'm anachronistic, but it just seems the right thing for me. I cannot feel otherwise about it. I completely understand that some people do not feel the same way, and I respect other opinions. What's yours?

Maybe it's a lesbian thing, I dunno, but monogamy is WAY important to Amy and I. We've made a commitment to each other to be loving and faithful to each other FOREVER, and we both are attentive to that fact.

The only time we've ever had any kind of an issue was when I was going to have a friend join me in Vegas for a few days until Amy could get there. Nothing specific was planned, but the "possibility" was sure there because we had both acknowledged a mutual attraction in the past. Once the danger of this situation was pointed out to me (loudly), I realized how perilous to our relationship it would have been. A romp in the hay might be enjoyable at the time, but it sure ain't worth endangering a relationship you have with somebody you love.

Now if you are JOINTLY in agreement to have an open marriage then that's cool too (for y'all). But, like the other's said the HAS to be true, open, honest communication as well, to make that work.

As afar as I'm concerned if you'll lie to your spouse about something as important as this then, besides being a rat assed, sneaky, scum sucker, you need to SERIOUSLY consider your relationship.

 

[Katyusha]

Maybe it's a lesbian thing, I dunno, but monogamy is WAY important to Amy and I. We've made a commitment to each other to be loving and faithful to each other FOREVER, and we both are attentive to that fact.

The only time we've ever had any kind of an issue was when I was going to have a friend join me in Vegas for a few days until Amy could get there. Nothing specific was planned, but the "possibility" was sure there because we had both acknowledged a mutual attraction in the past. Once the danger of this situation was pointed out to me (loudly), I realized how perilous to our relationship it would have been. A romp in the hay might be enjoyable at the time, but it sure ain't worth endangering a relationship you have with somebody you love.

Nope...it definitely isn't. Not entirely sure it's a lesbian thing, but it has occurred to me that the desire for monogamy MAY be stronger between lesbians than it is between straight people (and I have no idea about gay men). If that's true, then I'd think it's because, in general, the desire to be monogamous appears to be stronger in women than it is in men.

As afar as I'm concerned if you'll lie to your spouse about something as important as this then, besides being a rat assed, sneaky, scum sucker, you need to SERIOUSLY consider your relationship.

Don't forget "egoist" and possibly "narcissist."

Not only is the above true but also if you're comfortable with lying to them about this kind of thing, then you're very likely to be comfortable lying to them about other important things as well. When you don't see lies as a problem then you'll tell any lie you like in order to keep things the way *you* want them, and in my experience, when the lies of a person like this *do* get uncovered and they get in trouble, they are very quick to place blame everywhere except on themselves. In short, these people can't take responsibility for themselves, their actions, and the consequences to those actions.

A relationship cannot survive that way. It just can't.