Wrong Category?

[Raquel_Mulgrew]

Hey again everyone,

I just posted the first chapter of my latest story that I thought was pretty compelling but, I'm getting a lot of feedback saying there isn't enough dialogue and that it's not romantic enough.

What do all of you think? I didn't want a lot of dialogue in the story, so I'm not really sure I'd change that too much, but maybe it's not particularly romantic? I threw it in that category because in my own warped mind it was more on the romantic side than anything in any of the other categories.

Any feedback/suggestions would be great.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=426795

Thanks in advance!

-Raq

 

[loneflame]

up to you

There are very few things that I would change about it.

There's one spot where you say: <quote> He told Amanda to strip him </quote>
This should definitely be dialogue.

Rather than saying this:
<quote> Lionel had been attempting to hide his arousal through most of the wedding and reception. </quote>

Start out with them leaving the church and follow them through the rehearsal. He is aroused and can't wait to get her home. She is terrified that he won't approve of her. Their guests congratsulating them. Describe the way her tongue feels on his fingers when he feeds her the cake. You get the idea.
I always like some build up of sexual tension at first.

In all, it's fairly well written. I can't help but wonder if the emphasis on her virginity is because he's going to turn out to be a sadistic bastard, but that's just me.

One thought though...I don't know that a nervous virgin bride would suck his cock and swallow his cum as her first sex act. I think the first thing would be him pleasuring her, showing her what her body can do. Unless of course, we're back arond to the sadistic bastard theory, which probably doesn't belong in "romantic."

 

[CWatson]

The general overtones of the "Romantic" category are that the focus is more on the emotional journey of the characters than anything else. So, yes, your story does feel a bit out of place. Maybe "First Time" would've been a better spot.

To augment loneflame's wise advice, another issue with the story is that you're Telling instead of Showing--especially for the opening part when the emotional content (if any) would be established. Instead of really getting into the emotions of Amanda's head (curiosity, performance anxiety, love, maybe even horniness) you just have some straight, rather dry reporting, setting the scene. It works, and I would hardly call it clumsy, but you're not using your words or time to the best effect you could. You want to grab The Reader with these paragraphs, not turn him away by serving up something he could read in a newspaper.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi Raquel!

I think loneflame and CW have got it but I’ll add my two cents.

The comments on lack of dialogue could be avoided, without adding dialogue you say don’t want. Instead of each partner describing the events as they undress, you could switch and have the husband describe his emotions as his new virgin bride strips before him and he feels her nervousness and false inadequacy – and vice versa.

The action is a bit slow as you go back with the pluperfect tense; it would be more gripping if you kept to the simple past. E.G.; “As the white, fluffy dress slowly fell to puddle on the floor, Amanda glanced down with trepidation but smiled at her new husband.” Good start and we’re hooked.

You concentrate on the events too much, like a sports commentary, when we want to get into their heads. Not the hunter/gatherer dragging his conquest to his cave, but the love and fears between a young, virgin bride and her much older husband. He should be both passionate and afraid of ‘despoiling’ his bride. She should be chest-poundingly frightened of not being able to satisfy this man she loves deeply.

You have a great story to tell but we want (in 3rd person) a greater insight into emotional fears and passion to really care about Lionel and Amanda. We want to urge them on to overcome the terrible stagefright of wedding night nerves but you play down the emotion.

This is critique not criticism. You write well and have an acute eye for a story. I offer this only as thoughts to consider.

Elle

 

[Raquel_Mulgrew]

There are very few things that I would change about it.

There's one spot where you say: <quote> He told Amanda to strip him </quote>
This should definitely be dialogue.

Rather than saying this:
<quote> Lionel had been attempting to hide his arousal through most of the wedding and reception. </quote>

Start out with them leaving the church and follow them through the rehearsal. He is aroused and can't wait to get her home. She is terrified that he won't approve of her. Their guests congratsulating them. Describe the way her tongue feels on his fingers when he feeds her the cake. You get the idea.
I always like some build up of sexual tension at first.

In all, it's fairly well written. I can't help but wonder if the emphasis on her virginity is because he's going to turn out to be a sadistic bastard, but that's just me.

One thought though...I don't know that a nervous virgin bride would suck his cock and swallow his cum as her first sex act. I think the first thing would be him pleasuring her, showing her what her body can do. Unless of course, we're back arond to the sadistic bastard theory, which probably doesn't belong in "romantic."

I like your idea of starting at the church. I thought about that, but I wanted to incorporate the idea of the "start late, leave early" rule in writing. I tried to start where the action began and then I could disperse any background info later in the story. Maybe I'll revisit the idea of starting a bit earlier.

The next chapter will have a bit more emphasis on her pleasure, culminating with her deflowering. I've currently resubmitted this story to be placed in the BDSM category as opposed to the Romance category. I think it will find a better fit there, especially considering where I have this story going in its future installment. He's not a 'sadistic bastard' but there is a dominant/submissive theme to the story that maybe the Romance readers won't enjoy that theme as much as others.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and respond to my story. It is very much appreciated!

-Raq

 

[Raquel_Mulgrew]

The general overtones of the "Romantic" category are that the focus is more on the emotional journey of the characters than anything else. So, yes, your story does feel a bit out of place. Maybe "First Time" would've been a better spot.

To augment loneflame's wise advice, another issue with the story is that you're Telling instead of Showing--especially for the opening part when the emotional content (if any) would be established. Instead of really getting into the emotions of Amanda's head (curiosity, performance anxiety, love, maybe even horniness) you just have some straight, rather dry reporting, setting the scene. It works, and I would hardly call it clumsy, but you're not using your words or time to the best effect you could. You want to grab The Reader with these paragraphs, not turn him away by serving up something he could read in a newspaper.

I always forget the "show don't tell" concept in writing. I get too busy trying to pull the story out of my head and don't get creative enough with letting the characters tell the story instead of doing it myself. Thanks for reminding me. I may give this another once over to see where it can be improved.

Thanks so much!

-Raq

 

[Raquel_Mulgrew]

Hi Raquel!

I think loneflame and CW have got it but I’ll add my two cents.

The comments on lack of dialogue could be avoided, without adding dialogue you say don’t want. Instead of each partner describing the events as they undress, you could switch and have the husband describe his emotions as his new virgin bride strips before him and he feels her nervousness and false inadequacy – and vice versa.

The action is a bit slow as you go back with the pluperfect tense; it would be more gripping if you kept to the simple past. E.G.; “As the white, fluffy dress slowly fell to puddle on the floor, Amanda glanced down with trepidation but smiled at her new husband.” Good start and we’re hooked.

You concentrate on the events too much, like a sports commentary, when we want to get into their heads. Not the hunter/gatherer dragging his conquest to his cave, but the love and fears between a young, virgin bride and her much older husband. He should be both passionate and afraid of ‘despoiling’ his bride. She should be chest-poundingly frightened of not being able to satisfy this man she loves deeply.

You have a great story to tell but we want (in 3rd person) a greater insight into emotional fears and passion to really care about Lionel and Amanda. We want to urge them on to overcome the terrible stagefright of wedding night nerves but you play down the emotion.

This is critique not criticism. You write well and have an acute eye for a story. I offer this only as thoughts to consider.

Elle

Thank you for this insight. I'll be reviewing my story to see what can be improved on in future edits.

I appreciate your taking the time to read and critique my story. It's very much appreciated.

-Raq

 

[CWatson]

I tried to start where the action began

Just FYI: That, in itself, is part of the mis-categorization.

You decided to start "where the action began". Excellent; that's an astute choice, and the decision to seed background exposition into the story instead of dollop it at the beginning is also the right one. But where did the action begin? With the sex. And if there's any category on Literotica where the story isn't about sex, it's the Romance category.

So you have to ask yourself, "What is this story about?" If it's about the emotional content between your newlyweds, then you need to start it at the beginning--of that emotional content. If it's just about the schtoinking, then, awesome, but don't put it in Romance.

 

[sr71plt]

With the sex. And if there's any category on Literotica where the story isn't about sex, it's the Romance category.

Isn't there a nonerotic category?

Since when did Romance get rid of the sex, I wonder. (I suspect that Romance is a pretty broad category.)

 

[LitRiter]

What category?

I have the same issue. Whenever I go to post something I look at the list and have to decide if it is mostly Romantic or Humor, is there a First Time, anything Non-Con, oh and there's Lesbian Sex, or maybe some Anal (Heaven help me when there's Lesbian Anal).

I think this is why Erotic Encounters was created, for short stories, and Novels and Novellas for the longer ones.

Of course, in my own humble opinion.