polyamory regret

[dark_tipped_rose]

I was wondering about people who are into polyamory - have you ever engaged in it and then regretted it? men or women? just curious?

 

[Primalex]

In my experience you regret having met a person, not the lifestyle per se.

 

[Adakgirl]

Your question seems loaded, why do you ask it? If you don't mind my asking. About the focus on regret? If people have regretted it, their personal reasons for regretting it can't possibly help you make any sort of decisions regarding you personally entering one. Asking about their experiences in such relationships might do that however.

 

[nh23]

I was in a poly marriage for three years. I was actually still married to my ex when Master and I met. We all lived together for awhile.

It's a lifestyle that has a lot of challenges, but I don't have any regrets. What are your fears?

 

[dark_tipped_rose]

re

I'm sort of jealous and its not something that I want but someone else does. and also with having baggage (kids) its sort of hard. just the idea your spouse wanting and benefitting from another spouse, it just snaps me in 2. especially when going out and doing things, it'll come to my attention how "beneficial" another spouse would be in a given situation!

its frusterating. I was just wanting to know if the person having two spouses ever resented one spouse when the other left, or resented the spouse from preventing poly from happening. how do others overcome all these emotions?

its hard for me.

 

[nh23]

I'm sort of jealous and its not something that I want but someone else does.

In my opinion that is the worst possible way to start a poly relationship. If it's not something you want, there are going to be major problems. Some people can work through that. Most can't. Is this a M/s situation where you don't have a choice, or is it a choice being made as a couple?

 

[BiBunny]

I'm happier in my poly relationship than I've ever been in my entire life. I don't look at it as Master having two "wives" or whatever. Naturally, since the two of them are already married, I can't marry either of them. But, to me, the situation is such that both of them are equally my partners, and they feel the same way about me.

It's not for everyone, though. Changes of any kind will leave most anyone with reservations, but if you're dead-set against it, then there's no sense in even bothering, in my opinion.

My situation is a rather unique one, in that I am the only submissive in the arrangement with a dominant married couple. The way we went about this was not the greatest way ever, but we made it work.

Could we have made it work if all three parties had not made up their minds that this is what we wanted, and the three of us were going to work together to make "us" what it is? No. If everyone involved can't come to that conclusion on his/her own without being pushed by someone else, then don't waste your time trying.

 

[Netzach]

An old gf basically threw me into the deep end of the pool. I didn't want it, she said "well that's how it is."

And I thrashed and splashed and cried and screamed, and then I started swimming and I realized this was the ONLY way I ever wanted it from then on for the rest of my life. Open, meeting people, enjoying each other and others. Whatever I actually was, I found out.

I don't suggest this strategy, but that's how it is sometimes.

 

[PertPerth]

I'm sort of jealous and its not something that I want but someone else does. and also with having baggage (kids) its sort of hard.

Everyone has a line/limit to what is okay and what is not. This can change over time too. So, what might have been okay before having kids, might not be something which suits you now.

 

[Etoile]

I'm sort of jealous and its not something that I want but someone else does. and also with having baggage (kids) its sort of hard. just the idea your spouse wanting and benefitting from another spouse, it just snaps me in 2. especially when going out and doing things, it'll come to my attention how "beneficial" another spouse would be in a given situation!

its frusterating. I was just wanting to know if the person having two spouses ever resented one spouse when the other left, or resented the spouse from preventing poly from happening. how do others overcome all these emotions?

its hard for me.

I'm sorry you see your kids as baggage. Surely they are a joyful part of your life, and not just an impediment to exploring new sexual frontiers?

I have never been polyamorous. Never in my life. That said, I was in a poly relationship that I started for many years. It started while my wife and I were temporarily separated; we didn't know at the time that it was temporary. I started engaging in BDSM with a mutual acquaintance and that became addicting. When my wife and I got back together, I had her permission to continue the BDSM relationship. About a year later, it became a three-way relationship, but I was never able to handle seeing the two of them together...never once did I enjoy it. So really it was three separate relationships - me and wife, me and C, and wife and C.

After a couple of years, my relationship with C went south. WAY south. We fought constantly, the sex became abysmal, the kink became non-existent. I posted here a few times about trying to rekindle the spark but in the end our relationship became combative and thoroughly negative. I became so angry with C, I would shake with rage if I had to be in the same room. I eventually decided that to be healthy, I had to remove myself completely. It was hard, because our "relationship" had lasted over 7 years before I finally called it quits.

Unfortunately, C had lost both job and apartment by this point. And moved in...guess where? With us. Well, into the house we own. We don't live there, we live with my wife's parents, we hope to sell the house someday. But it's three miles between the houses. My wife is over their constantly. They still love each other, even though I think C is a total scumbag and I wish I could stop the attraction. I try to put the sex as far out of my mind as possible, which is hard considering my wife and I don't have a natural sexual relationship - it's highly infrequent, but we're working on it.

So I find myself being in a poly relationship even though I am a monogamous person. I've never wanted to have two relationships...I thought I did, but it was more convenience than love. And I can't stop it, because I'm the one who started it. My wife knows how much it hurts me that they are still together, we've talked about it several times, including the fact that she deliberately chooses to continue doing something she knows is hurtful to me. But I love her to the ends of the earth, and we are now legally married, and I will never leave her. It's an uncomfortable reality that I really wish I didn't have to deal with.

If it were me, I would erase all of it. I would never start it. Never. That said, I know a great many people in very happy poly relationships. It can be done. But if someone isn't willing - if anyone in the relationship isn't willing - for heaven's sake, don't go down that road.

 

[BiBunny]

But if someone isn't willing - if anyone in the relationship isn't willing - for heaven's sake, don't go down that road.

For God's sake, listen to this.

This place is a pretty good resource if you're bound, bent, and determined to try it, anyhow. Etoile's advice is still the best, though.

 

[dark_tipped_rose]

I'm sorry you see your kids as baggage. Surely they are a joyful part of your life, and not just an impediment to exploring new sexual frontiers?

I have never been polyamorous. Never in my life. That said, I was in a poly relationship that I started for many years. It started while my wife and I were temporarily separated; we didn't know at the time that it was temporary. I started engaging in BDSM with a mutual acquaintance and that became addicting. When my wife and I got back together, I had her permission to continue the BDSM relationship. About a year later, it became a three-way relationship, but I was never able to handle seeing the two of them together...never once did I enjoy it. So really it was three separate relationships - me and wife, me and C, and wife and C.

After a couple of years, my relationship with C went south. WAY south. We fought constantly, the sex became abysmal, the kink became non-existent. I posted here a few times about trying to rekindle the spark but in the end our relationship became combative and thoroughly negative. I became so angry with C, I would shake with rage if I had to be in the same room. I eventually decided that to be healthy, I had to remove myself completely. It was hard, because our "relationship" had lasted over 7 years before I finally called it quits.

Unfortunately, C had lost both job and apartment by this point. And moved in...guess where? With us. Well, into the house we own. We don't live there, we live with my wife's parents, we hope to sell the house someday. But it's three miles between the houses. My wife is over their constantly. They still love each other, even though I think C is a total scumbag and I wish I could stop the attraction. I try to put the sex as far out of my mind as possible, which is hard considering my wife and I don't have a natural sexual relationship - it's highly infrequent, but we're working on it.

So I find myself being in a poly relationship even though I am a monogamous person. I've never wanted to have two relationships...I thought I did, but it was more convenience than love. And I can't stop it, because I'm the one who started it. My wife knows how much it hurts me that they are still together, we've talked about it several times, including the fact that she deliberately chooses to continue doing something she knows is hurtful to me. But I love her to the ends of the earth, and we are now legally married, and I will never leave her. It's an uncomfortable reality that I really wish I didn't have to deal with.

If it were me, I would erase all of it. I would never start it. Never. That said, I know a great many people in very happy poly relationships. It can be done. But if someone isn't willing - if anyone in the relationship isn't willing - for heaven's sake, don't go down that road.

that sounds like my spouse - wanting poly for convenience like helping out with the kids and him helping her in exchange, but he is naturally monogomous - i'm not hating on men who need poly, and can't do mono i'm not against their personal nature - its just frusterating when your spouse only wants to do it for convenience and its actually not convenient and then you also have children to consider.

anyways, I deeply appreciate y'alls input.

 

[Adakgirl]

You may want to bring up how convenient it would be for you to have two husbands, instead of him having two wives. Convenience he says? If he wants onvienience tell him to hire you a maid. Like HOW many couples raise families...families with a lot of children...and manage raise them, keep a home and have careers perfectly fine with only one wife?
Yes two bread winners would be bettter, then you could afford to hire help right?

 

[Marquis]

Convenience, that's a good one.

 

[Netzach]

That is the weirdest ever sales pitch I've ever heard for this.

 

[Homburg]

Wait, what?

I'm lost. He wants a second wife for "convenience"?

Is he Mormon? Not trying to make a funny there, or a crack about the Mormon schismatics that still practice polygamy. Just trying to figure out the mindset that thinks that bringing another woman into the relationship will be somehow convenient.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

that sounds like my spouse - wanting poly for convenience like helping out with the kids and him helping her in exchange, but he is naturally monogomous - i'm not hating on men who need poly, and can't do mono i'm not against their personal nature - its just frusterating when your spouse only wants to do it for convenience and its actually not convenient and then you also have children to consider.

anyways, I deeply appreciate y'alls input.

Get a maid/housekeeper/nanny and let him bang her on the side?

 

[BiBunny]

People will say stupid shit to get what they want. I bet "convenience" has fuck-all to do with his reasons for wanting to do this, but he thinks wording it in such a way will get him what he wants.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

People will say stupid shit to get what they want. I bet "convenience" has fuck-all to do with his reasons for wanting to do this, but he thinks wording it in such a way will get him what he wants.

Exactly.

"Honey, she can help out with the kids. And if I have to stick my dick in her every now and then well, I'm ok with helping her like that. Its really just about the convenience. That's all."

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I'm currently in a poly relationship and it certainly has it's ups and downs.

But "convenient" is about the last thing it is. I live 24/7 with Tori, and lacy visits us, or we visit her, or I visit with her, or Tori does, or whatever. While it would be more convenient if lacy was living closer (it's about a 90 mile trip one way), and the three of us continue to grow and evolve and adapt in the relationship, it isn't "convenient". We have to schedule stuff weeks in advance to deal with work schedules, child care responsibilities, etc.

SOMEONE is living in fantasy-land if they think being poly will be "convenient"

But regrets? Not at all. And no regrets for any of my previous poly relationships either. They might not have lasted forever, but each was an opportunity to love and grow, and learn, and was, to my way of thinking, a blessing.

 

[CutieMouse]

I'm currently in a poly relationship and it certainly has it's ups and downs.

But "convenient" is about the last thing it is. I live 24/7 with Tori, and lacy visits us, or we visit her, or I visit with her, or Tori does, or whatever. While it would be more convenient if lacy was living closer (it's about a 90 mile trip one way), and the three of us continue to grow and evolve and adapt in the relationship, it isn't "convenient". We have to schedule stuff weeks in advance to deal with work schedules, child care responsibilities, etc.

SOMEONE is living in fantasy-land if they think being poly will be "convenient"

But regrets? Not at all. And no regrets for any of my previous poly relationships either. They might not have lasted forever, but each was an opportunity to love and grow, and learn, and was, to my way of thinking, a blessing.

EG sighting!!!!

 

[MichaelWest]

Tale of Two Wives

My wives are best friends, but two wives are hardly "convenient". One might grouse that they are twice as observant, four times are expensive, and eight times as troublesome. One might suggest that it is fabulous to have two lovelies to go out with. Too many focus on the titilating fantastic quality of two wives, but in realityland I have sat at home watching Sponge Bob with the girls so the wives can shop at Macy's. Maybe that is the convenience you seek? ;-)

 

[Homburg]

Too many focus on the titilating fantastic quality of two wives, but in realityland I have sat at home watching Sponge Bob with the girls so the wives can shop at Macy's. Maybe that is the convenience you seek? ;-)

Hahaha! Yep, this is it in a nutshell. I have also sat at home with the kids so my gals could go out. They deserve it too.

I really like this "convenience" argument. I could use that idea to get a whole lot done.

 

[Etoile]

Yeah, I'm not at all sure how my mention of "convenience" got turned into this whole "poly is about convenience" thing. It's like the rest of my post was ignored - the rest of that sentence was ignored, even - and it all became about convenience. Huh?

 

[Homburg]

Yeah, I'm not at all sure how my mention of "convenience" got turned into this whole "poly is about convenience" thing. It's like the rest of my post was ignored - the rest of that sentence was ignored, even - and it all became about convenience. Huh?

People are riffing off a comment the OP made.

that sounds like my spouse - wanting poly for convenience like helping out with the kids and him helping her in exchange, but he is naturally monogomous - i'm not hating on men who need poly, and can't do mono i'm not against their personal nature - its just frusterating when your spouse only wants to do it for convenience and its actually not convenient and then you also have children to consider.