Request for Feedback - 1st Story - Lightning Reveals All

[MahlerSymphony]

I recently had my first story posted, but have received next to nothing in the way of votes (a 4.5 so far, but with only 4 votes) or feedback. If you have the time and inclination, please give my a story a read and let me know what you you think. It is called Lightning Reveals All and it is in the Erotic Couplings section. My aim was simple - - just write a brief, arousing, loving, highly erotic vignette between two lovers - - the type of loving sexual encounter that one remembers vividly for the rest of one's life.

So, if you have the time, I would greatly appreciate knowing what you think. It can be quite anticlimactic to write something and have it enter a void. Thanks for indulging me.

Lightning Reveals All by MahlerSymphony

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=424807

 

[psyche_b_mused]

Hi there,

I only read your story once so these are just my first impressions and only my opinions. There are some things i thought you did really well. I liked the way you described the sounds and the smells of the room. The first paragraph was, to me, quite poetic.

Where it lost some of that was when you used words like cock and cunt to describe body parts. It was jarring after reading the beautiful descriptions of rain and lightning and then for what you describe as a 'beautiful act between lovers' you revert to vulgarity. I don't mean you should use medical terms, but clearly you have the power to be very descriptive in a lovely way, don't abandon that when it comes to body parts. The same thing goes when using the same word over and over again. In one six-line paragraph you used the word cock 3 times, and cockhead once. I know you can think of other ways to say it.

The other way that you'll lose some readers with this is using the second person point of view. You leave a fairly wide field as far as Kristen's physical description, but you may still lose your male audience because they can't put themselves in her shoes. So 50% or more of your readers have just clicked the "Back" button. You talk about her having 'large, firm breasts'....i don't have large breasts, so even though i'm female, i don't really relate to that....for some, they'd leave at that point. I know it's unfair, but using second person does tend to whittle down the number of readers who can relate.

In all, it wasn't a BAD scene or anything. I don't know why you haven't gotten more votes or comments. I don't write in that section though so I'm not sure what's a 'normal' response for those readers.

I hope this helped! Posting a story and getting nothing back is discouraging.
psyche b

 

[MahlerSymphony]

Thank you very much for taking the time to read the story and comment. Your points are all good ones. The repetition as to body part labels is a good point, and something I will work on. The second person is not my usual favorite, either, but I wrote this with a specific woman in mind, so it just came out that way. I don't expect to keep writing in that manner.

I thank you again for being generous with your time and comments. I will learn from them.

 

[JoshuaGlynn]

Very nice, and well written. I enjoyed your use of description. And it gets "the job" done nicely...

I do hope this will not be your last story!

My one criticism, is one you'll hear over and over on the boards here. Try to limit your paragraphs to 5-6 sentences. On the printed page, long paragraphs look fine. However, reading online... large blocks of text can hurt the eyes. A lot of folks here will hit the backspace as soon as they see large paragraphs, no matter how good the writing is.

So, I hope this helps, and I hope to read more from you soon.

Happy writing

Joshua

Edit: On a side note... Not sure if this has something to do with being Bisexual, but I rather liked the change in perspective.... of course psyche b is right that it will turn off some folks.

 

[MahlerSymphony]

Thank you very much, Joshua, for taking the time and effort to read the story and comment upon. I haven't written for an online board before, so the comment about paragraph size is well taken and instructive. I hope you enjoyed the story. Thank you again.

 

[_Lynn_]

I scanned it quick just now.

1. The POV, length of paragraph, and repetition of words others mentioned. I agree they all are issues that turn a reader away.

2. My very first thought is that if there are two people in this scene, where's the dialogue? You've written a narrative, telling us all sorts of details, but I didn't find any emotion between them. She's not really there. This could be a letter to her with the lack of any real role she has in it this way.

3. My second thought is that it's too flowery, or poetic. No man I know thinks like this:

I gladly produce more for your palate, your hand softly coaxing it to weep from my stiff cock.
I need to smell your sexual bouquet.
The lips are swollen and dark pink, hiding your soft salmon interior.
My taste pervades your mouth.

4. If a male is looking for a stroke piece, they can't relate to this. If a female is looking for a romantic piece, they aren't going to believe it.

Just my opinion.

 

[MahlerSymphony]

I scanned it quick just now.

1. The POV, length of paragraph, and repetition of words others mentioned. I agree they all are issues that turn a reader away.

2. My very first thought is that if there are two people in this scene, where's the dialogue? You've written a narrative, telling us all sorts of details, but I didn't find any emotion between them. She's not really there. This could be a letter to her with the lack of any real role she has in it this way.

3. My second thought is that it's too flowery, or poetic. No man I know thinks like this:

I gladly produce more for your palate, your hand softly coaxing it to weep from my stiff cock.
I need to smell your sexual bouquet.
The lips are swollen and dark pink, hiding your soft salmon interior.
My taste pervades your mouth.

4. If a male is looking for a stroke piece, they can't relate to this. If a female is looking for a romantic piece, they aren't going to believe it.

Just my opinion.

Thank you for taking the time to read my story and giving me feedback. I appreciate your thoughts and criticisms. I will keep your comments in mind when writing again.

 

[MahlerSymphony]

Thanks for the feedback folks. And btw, someone suggested I mention that anyone else wishing to give feedback or comment is welcome to send it by PM as well.