Erotic Language!!!

sami22

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Jan 24, 2009
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1. A Fullmoon Night: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions

2. A Holy Guide: http://www.literotica.com/stories/sh....php?id=424140

Above is my two posts submitted to Literotica.com, what I am interested in is feed back for the use of the language itself as I am a non-English speaker. Some say that I use a poetic language that adds new sense for English!!

I would be pleased to receive your comments @:

samsharf@live.com

Thanks in advance

Still!!! No feedback?
 
A quick look is all I have time for, sorry.

A Fullmoon Night
1. Keep your paragraphs to about eight lines, to make it easier reading. Many people will click out of a story if they see over twenty lines in one, as I counted in yours.

2. It was a gloomy night filled with a mournful silence as we sat together, him and me, a long time after mid night. We were both sitting in his veranda which seemed a secluded temple that night. We sat beside each other but each isolated in his own mind. It had been hours since either of us had uttered a word.
The above is your beginning. Already there is repetition, which will make a reader assume the rest of the story will be the same way. "We sat together/him and me", "we were both sitting", "we sat beside each other", are really telling us about the same thing are they not? "Isolated in his own mind"/hours since either of us uttered a word" are again saying about the same thing. This is all just within the first four sentences.

3. Using the ellipsis is fine, but not overusing it. I think it breaks up the flow of reading, and makes it difficult to remain in the scene.

Sorry it isn't more, but it's something for you.
Just my opinion.
 
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