A question on moving past a negative experience

[Ms_openminded]

I believe that I have been naive, stumbled hard and am trying to move past this with added strength. I am asking for some advice on how to do this. To give some background, about a month ago I tentatively tried to explore my submissive side. Unfortunately, one of my first experiences was very negative and I placed my trust in someone I should not have. It has been challenging for me, because of my newness, distinguishing between genuine assistance and someone abusing their position. After beating myself up for something I should have never let happen, I am now in the position to start to relearn this new facet. Part of my frustration is that I am sure much of what I have experienced could have been pleasurable for me if things were done with open communication; I had been given a slower introduction; and if I was with a different person who wanted me to enjoy. However, as they say, hindsight is 20/20, can’t go back. So, instead of hiding, pretending that this didn’t happen and closing the door on this newly discovered part of myself, I chose to take a step forward. I want to start exploring again but I am afraid of my unknown reactions. Any advice or shared experiences would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Vixandra]

No matter what kind of relationship, a bad experience can make one doubt oneself and their ability to handle a good experience.

That said, trust is, I believe, one of the most important factors in a BDSM relationship. That trust goes both ways. I can only recommend that you take a slower approach to it, find a local munch or something of that nature. And have very clearly set limits and safe words/gestures before starting play.

 

[ecstaticsub]

BDSM relationships are at their core relationships first. Spend time, lots of time, getting to know the other person as a person first. If you share common interests and values outside of BDSM play it will help build the trust you need.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

No matter what kind of relationship, a bad experience can make one doubt oneself and their ability to handle a good experience.

That said, trust is, I believe, one of the most important factors in a BDSM relationship. That trust goes both ways. I can only recommend that you take a slower approach to it, find a local munch or something of that nature. And have very clearly set limits and safe words/gestures before starting play.

What she said, plus:

Build an at least partly 'vanilla' relationship/friendship with the person first. Get to know each other as people. THEN begin exploring "the dark side"

[HIJACK]Vixandra! Long time no see... welcome back![/HIJACK]

 

[twysted73]

No matter what kind of relationship, a bad experience can make one doubt oneself and their ability to handle a good experience.

That said, trust is, I believe, one of the most important factors in a BDSM relationship. That trust goes both ways. I can only recommend that you take a slower approach to it, find a local munch or something of that nature. And have very clearly set limits and safe words/gestures before starting play.

Also VERY true and valid point. Vanilla or kink. Human relations are human relations.

Spend time, lots of time, getting to know the other person as a person first.

The application of common sense can never be understressed.


With D/s being a relatively new concept for almost everyone entering it and exploring it for the first few times, the atuomatic "babe in the woods" mindset can be rather defeating when it misleads you into territory you'd see coming under vanilla circumstances. But fear not young kinkster, for your spirit and desires will prevail. Think back to your early dating experiences and have a chuckle at yourself for your "newness". Keep moving foreward.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I believe that I have been naive, stumbled hard and am trying to move past this with added strength. I am asking for some advice on how to do this. To give some background, about a month ago I tentatively tried to explore my submissive side. Unfortunately, one of my first experiences was very negative and I placed my trust in someone I should not have. It has been challenging for me, because of my newness, distinguishing between genuine assistance and someone abusing their position. After beating myself up for something I should have never let happen, I am now in the position to start to relearn this new facet. Part of my frustration is that I am sure much of what I have experienced could have been pleasurable for me if things were done with open communication; I had been given a slower introduction; and if I was with a different person who wanted me to enjoy. However, as they say, hindsight is 20/20, can’t go back. So, instead of hiding, pretending that this didn’t happen and closing the door on this newly discovered part of myself, I chose to take a step forward. I want to start exploring again but I am afraid of my unknown reactions. Any advice or shared experiences would be greatly appreciated.

I've been thinking about your post for a couple of hours.

Progress comes when you eliminate those things and (very often) those people or persons that didn't work in the plan of your life.

And sometimes you don't have to eliminate them but just set them aside until a more perfect time (and more perfect person) comes along for you to reissue them.

As selfish and self-absorbed as that sounds, remember that YOU have to take care of youself, first.

For myself, I keep a journal and I count days: i.e. this is day 41 that I have conquered this heartbreak (you fill in the word with your own.) It helps me to see the progress I'm making. It also gives me the incentive to get through another day and add to the count.

It also gives me the delusion that I'm braver than I really am.

It may sound silly to some, but it's a trick that works for me.

 

[Kikori]

Unless I missed somewhere just how well you already knew the person you placed your trust in, Winston highlighted what's probably the most important. Get to know the people, the lifestyle (or even just how it goes in bed alone), and the unfathomable amount of options out there (especially which appeal to you).

Also, a BDSM relationship involves two people who consent and agree to what they're doing, knowing each other are equal and the powers are given.
I'll repeat this. A BDSM relationship involves etc. etc.
You're still a human, and whether or not you've given consent to be dominated, you should never be denied the right to get out of it. If you can help it, try to avoid the corners that less-than-proper dominant people will push you into. And that is the trust you have to build up by getting to know who you're with as a person before getting in over your head with the dark side of being under someone's thumb.

EDIT: THAT'S where Vix's avatar looks familiar! It's the same catgirl that kept popping up in turtledove's playground topic forever ago. No wonder I liked it upon seeing it. X3

 

[Wereshark]

Like they said, it's a relationship first and foremost:

Honesty leads to Communication and Communication leads to Trust.

You will have to put yourself out there again, that's just life. But no one says you have to force yourself to do it. If you are in a negative state, take some time for yourself until you are feeling positive and confident enough to move forward, and the ability to be open and honest will come on it's own.

Treat/Spoil yourself to an activity, good friends, some kind of escape. Sometimes all it takes to move past something is just to focus on something else.

 

[greystardust]

Perhaps the experience has left you with a feeling that sickens.

My gut feel is that it has.

Listen to that feeling, and you will know it in a split second. When you meet someone you want to open yourself up to, that feeling is there or it isn't.

Trust...I don't understand that concept. I either feel it, or the other feeling is there, but growing trust doesn't make me feel good, and it's an insincere act - a denial of the instinct.

Suffer through this. It will end and then you will have that sense of yourself. And if you're around the wrong person you'll probably sense it. Then you are automatically protected.

Good luck as well, ain't no substitute for good luck

 

[Primalex]

What she said, plus:

Build an at least partly 'vanilla' relationship/friendship with the person first. Get to know each other as people. THEN begin exploring "the dark side"

Oh please. People these days have hardly the time to say "Hello" to get off on some kinky sex, let alone build a relationship first.

 

[Primalex]

I want to start exploring again but I am afraid of my unknown reactions. Any advice or shared experiences would be greatly appreciated.

Any experience is only as bad as you want it to be.