Wife no longer wants sex!

[akdan58]

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My wife has decided that sex is to taxing. I've been through the "you don't have any pleasure from it?" Her answere is always "We are to old to do this anymore". My confusion is when is it to late? I have always had this thing about men and their penis. I don't want to cheat on my wife and would like to try out a man. How do people with the same problem go about this. I suppose being curious about the same sex has its problems. How would I overcome this. Any help would really be apreciated. I've seen some good stuff here so far and look forward to your help.

Dan

 

[fastboy]

still going

​

My wife has decided that sex is to taxing. I've been through the "you don't have any pleasure from it?" Her answere is always "We are to old to do this anymore". My confusion is when is it to late? I have always had this thing about men and their penis. I don't want to cheat on my wife and would like to try out a man. How do people with the same problem go about this. I suppose being curious about the same sex has its problems. How would I overcome this. Any help would really be apreciated. I've seen some good stuff here so far and look forward to your help.

Dan

Hi Dan. I am 70 and my wife is 65 we still enjoy sex. Sure not as often as we used to. The way we go about it has changed over the 45 years we have been marred. Sorry you have a wife who no longer want's it. How about some input it to what age people turn off sex. Regards Fastboy.

 

[Etoile]

I'm going to assume that your question is really about wanting to be with a man, and that's why you posted in GLBT...if you want to ask how to get your wife interested in sex again, that would be better in How-To.

If you want to try a man but you don't want to cheat on your wife, then you MUST tell her about it. Anything else is cheating...if she doesn't know, it's cheating! I guess you are having issues about wanting to find satisfaction elsewhere, right? Since you want to try it with a man, she may actually be okay with that. As long as she isn't worried that you're going to fall in love with another woman, and you can tell her you only want to try a man for sex purposes, she might be okay with it. Then again, she might not!

 

[PoeticMusings53]

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My wife has decided that sex is to taxing. I've been through the "you don't have any pleasure from it?" Her answere is always "We are to old to do this anymore". My confusion is when is it to late? I have always had this thing about men and their penis. I don't want to cheat on my wife and would like to try out a man. How do people with the same problem go about this. I suppose being curious about the same sex has its problems. How would I overcome this. Any help would really be apreciated. I've seen some good stuff here so far and look forward to your help.

Dan

Dump your wife. That's neglect.

 

[proteoguy]

I was in the same boat, my wife actually came out and said she did not want sex anymore.
Went 5 long years without "gettin' any". Eventually I turned more and more to porn, and
became facinated with male ejaculation scenes. Eventually, I had to try sucking a cock...It
does not replace women, but is pretty hot! We have since split up. I agree, by the way, that
it is a cruel form of neglect.

 

[guy_thing60]

I'm going to assume that your question is really about wanting to be with a man, and that's why you posted in GLBT...if you want to ask how to get your wife interested in sex again, that would be better in How-To.

If you want to try a man but you don't want to cheat on your wife, then you MUST tell her about it. Anything else is cheating...if she doesn't know, it's cheating! I guess you are having issues about wanting to find satisfaction elsewhere, right? Since you want to try it with a man, she may actually be okay with that. As long as she isn't worried that you're going to fall in love with another woman, and you can tell her you only want to try a man for sex purposes, she might be okay with it. Then again, she might not!

The "If you want...then you MUST tell her about it" is a terribly black/white judgment. How old are you Etoile? As a middle-age man who has had bi- feelings his entire life, I can say that it is a difficult situation where I really believe there are no hard and fast rules.

I'm not necessarily offering solutions here; maybe just discussing the issue.

Women tend to have a very great drop off in sex hormone production when they go thru the change - stop having periods. They tend to age very quickly, their feelings about themselves change in the sense that they no longer feel attractive; many start having the female joint degeneration thing and actually begin to have physical problems associated in peoples minds with relatively advanced age. Sorry Etoile and other women who might read this, but it is pretty factual. Not something to look forward to, huh? Men on the other hand do not go thru nearly the same rate of hormone production decline. Men can keep going well into their 60's - even later.

So what is man supposed to do? This applies to the very observable difference in male and female sexuality. Male sex interest is driven by the cyclical physical desire to ejaculate - the "cycles" may slow, but they don't go away. To a significant degree, male erectile function and desire for ejaculation is very "newsness" sensitive. A man can love his wife and care very much for her, but after a while his genitalia will stop responding to the same woman (or man), wife or not. You can take a man whose genitalia do not respond to his wife, put him with a new woman/man...and boing! Up it comes. Many people who study such things think the difference is brain-biochemistry wired to assure adequate trait diversity; I don't know, except to say that I think this is a very real difference and it isn't callous or anything disreputable on the part of any man. It's just biology. Women generally don't function in nearly the same way - sure women, particularly younger women have physical drives for intercourse, but I have come to see it as a very different thing than the ejaculation cycles of men. It seems to me that even if a woman represents herself as very uncommitted - one who separates physical sex from relationships, a "happy slut" - even those women when they come upon a man who clicks with them, all that happy slut behavior and talk goes out the window, and quickly. The homing/nesting instinct sets in and sometimes even overnight. The desire for exclusivity sets in quickly.

So what does this mean for the issue addressed by akdan58, the originator of this thread? I feel that there are times and circumstances when it is wise that people should simply "not know." If your kids really hate you, it is best you just not know that. Regarding sexual conflicts in the context of age, does the wife view sex mainly as a moral issue, and not a natural physical need? Is a wife dependent on her husband for access to employer based health insurance? What would be the consequences of a divorce? Most divorces leave both parties much less secure economically, but it is still true that women often get hurt much more. So PoeticMusings53's "Dump your wife. That's neglect" is simply not an acceptable response. Seems, like that response of Etoile, that this may be the response of a younger person who hasn't had to deal with issues and implications of sex in middle-/later-years relationships in the context of our predatory economic conditions.

The alternative for a man whose wife/SO loses interest in sex, communicated explicitly or not, is to relieve the urge to ejaculate with masturbation. I can say that it isn't very gratifying.

 

[Safe_Bet]

The "If you want...then you MUST tell her about it" is a terribly black/white judgment. How old are you Etoile? As a middle-age man who has had bi- feelings his entire life, I can say that it is a difficult situation where I really believe there are no hard and fast rules.

...blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!....

Fucking "A", dude! Condescend much?

God freaking forbid that somebody should actually be honest with their lover and/or spouse and discuss their wants and desires. Your attitude is more "middle ages" than it is "middle aged."

As to your blather about women and menopause (yeah, dude, that's what it's called, not "the change"), got any factual data to back up your bullshit? Or is it simply the grumbling of a limp old man with a beer belly grousing about how women must not want sex after "the periods stop" because none of them are interested in you?

Two Points to Remember about Sexual Response and Menopause​

​

LINK​

•Loss of sexual response or desire is not experienced by the majority of menopausal women.

•Loss of sexual desire is not associated with decreased levels of estrogen.

 

[guy_thing60]

Fucking "A", dude! Condescend much?

God freaking forbid that somebody should actually be honest with their lover and/or spouse and discuss their wants and desires. Your attitude is more "middle ages" than it is "middle aged."

As to your blather about women and menopause (yeah, dude, that's what it's called, not "the change"), got any factual data to back up your bullshit? Or is it simply the grumbling of a limp old man with a beer belly grousing about how women must not want sex after "the periods stop" because none of them are interested in you?

Whew! What a flame. This is called an Ad Hominem argument "attacking the person" I'm not an "old man with a beer belly" Check my public profile I could do a little better on the ED issue, but it still works. If your profile photo is at all recent then you are not in the age group that I was addressing, nor does your southern California location have the same culture as my midwest "red state" You state also in your profile "Amy is my legally married spouse &..." Well, as of yesterday, not [edited - add entirely]. And I'm very sorry. I am probably one of the few middle-aged married men in my Midwestern red state who contributed significantly to the "No on Prop 8" campaign. And I will contribute to the upcoming ballot initiative to change the CA court decision.

And I haven't had any difficulty being a person of interest to women about my age (never have gone for chickiepoohs or twinks - how's that for stereotyping terminology) - nor even the occasional gay/bi- men.

I was honestly trying to address the thread originator's [akdan58] question in a reasonable thoughtful way. That was my intent.

The about.com article you cite may provide links to factual, refereed research, but I didn't see it. I apologize if it appears I suggested an established biological causal relation between menopause and the other conditions, appearance aging, negative feelings about oneself, loss of interest in sex, and joint degeneration. I don't know that there is such medically established fact. I meant to be addressing a group of things that appear to be happening to women in approximately the same age group, 50 - 70. I did not contend that menopause was the biological cause of these - just that they appear at about the same time. My own empirical observation is that these conditions occur in at least half the women I know, in my location, in the above stated age group. I can say that it is a commonly discuss subject. Why are so many women having serious joint degeneration disease? The pain and mobility problems caused by these joint conditions, osteoarthritis and osteoporosis, etc., are enough to cause loss of interest in sex.
Best wishes to you and Amy...

 

[Etoile]

The "If you want...then you MUST tell her about it" is a terribly black/white judgment. How old are you Etoile? As a middle-age man who has had bi- feelings his entire life, I can say that it is a difficult situation where I really believe there are no hard and fast rules.

Uh...you cut out the most important part there, dude. IF you don't want to cheat, THEN you must tell her. It really is black and white. Same-sex cheating is still cheating.

Age has nothing to do with it. It's a fact. Cheating is cheating.

 

[guy_thing60]

Uh...you cut out the most important part there, dude. IF you don't want to cheat, THEN you must tell her. It really is black and white. Same-sex cheating is still cheating.

Age has nothing to do with it. It's a fact. Cheating is cheating.

Why is it cheating for one person to look outside a marriage if the other person is declining sex? Where does that leave the former? Fidelity is not a one way street. Denial through "disinterest" can be represented as a type of cheating, if there was an understanding of "exclusivity" - or if the now 'disinterested" party claims there was an understanding of exclusivity. Exclusivity implies that there WILL BE an intimate physical relationship that given physical limitations is satisfactory to both persons. This is one of my big issues with the concept that no one, mostly applied to women in the context of women's movement ideology, ever gives up the right to say no. I think, yes, when a man and a woman in marriage commit to sexual exclusivity, then they BOTH give up the right to say no.

And I think this is entirely what AKDAN58 is trying to address.

My previous post to this thread where I address other issues like morality attitudes, later-years divorce and economic distress, and access to health insurance were attempts to provide a broader perspective on any couples circumstances in these times. All of those issues and the primary context of fidelity as a two-way street make the issue of seeking outside partners and whether to tell or not much less black and white. What is the most caring and considerate thing to do is not always easily discernible.

So I contend that age and circumstances in life are valid issues to apply to a decision whether to tell a partner or not

 

[Etoile]

Why is it cheating for one person to look outside a marriage if the other person is declining sex? Where does that leave the former? Fidelity is not a one way street. Denial through "disinterest" can be represented as a type of cheating, if there was an understanding of "exclusivity" - or if the now 'disinterested" party claims there was an understanding of exclusivity. Exclusivity implies that there WILL BE an intimate physical relationship that given physical limitations is satisfactory to both persons. This is one of my big issues with the concept that no one, mostly applied to women in the context of women's movement ideology, ever gives up the right to say no. I think, yes, when a man and a woman in marriage commit to sexual exclusivity, then they BOTH give up the right to say no.

And I think this is entirely what AKDAN58 is trying to address.

My previous post to this thread where I address other issues like morality attitudes, later-years divorce and economic distress, and access to health insurance were attempts to provide a broader perspective on any couples circumstances in these times. All of those issues and the primary context of fidelity as a two-way street make the issue of seeking outside partners and whether to tell or not much less black and white. What is the most caring and considerate thing to do is not always easily discernible.

So I contend that age and circumstances in life are valid issues to apply to a decision whether to tell a partner or not

You can try to justify it up, down, and sideways, but in the end, that's all it is - trying to find a justification for cheating. I'm not saying that there aren't legitimate reasons for seeking sex outside a marriage, all I'm saying is that if the spouse doesn't know, it's cheating. I'm not even saying that cheating is wrong - only that it IS taking place whenever the spouse is unaware. Cheating IS cheating. Maybe it's the kindest thing to do in some situations, but it's still cheating. I pass no judgment on adulterers, I really do not care what their reasons are. Again, all I am saying is that if the spouse doesn't know, IT IS CHEATING. Maybe what the OP needs to do is reevaluate whether he wants to cheat on his wife or not. If he comes to the decision that it is something he needs to do in order to be happy, then let him go forth and enjoy himself. But if he truly feels he shouldn't cheat on his wife, then she needs to be aware of what he's doing.

In fact, if he feels he can't tell her because she would react badly, then there are definitely some issues that need to be addressed before he seeks comfort outside the marriage. We know very, very little of the OP's situation, and we know even less of his wife's situation. Unfortunately I think this is going to be one of those "one post and never returns" threads, so we may never know what happens.

 

[guy_thing60]

You can try to justify it up, down, and sideways, but in the end, that's all it is - trying to find a justification for cheating. I'm not saying that there aren't legitimate reasons for seeking sex outside a marriage, all I'm saying is that if the spouse doesn't know, it's cheating. I'm not even saying that cheating is wrong - only that it IS taking place whenever the spouse is unaware. Cheating IS cheating. Maybe it's the kindest thing to do in some situations, but it's still cheating. I pass no judgment on adulterers, I really do not care what their reasons are. Again, all I am saying is that if the spouse doesn't know, IT IS CHEATING. Maybe what the OP needs to do is reevaluate whether he wants to cheat on his wife or not. If he comes to the decision that it is something he needs to do in order to be happy, then let him go forth and enjoy himself. But if he truly feels he shouldn't cheat on his wife, then she needs to be aware of what he's doing.

In fact, if he feels he can't tell her because she would react badly, then there are definitely some issues that need to be addressed before he seeks comfort outside the marriage. We know very, very little of the OP's situation, and we know even less of his wife's situation. Unfortunately I think this is going to be one of those "one post and never returns" threads, so we may never know what happens.

I'm not trying to "justify cheating" which is pejorative terminology. Again, is it not "cheating" to enter into an apparent exclusive sexual relationship, then decide not to provide to the OP...? the denied OP feeling that he/she can't tell the other is an exceedingly complex issue and indecision and uncertainty are the rule rather than the exception.

Saying "...definitely some issues that need to be addressed before..." is classic thinking of younger persons who have their lives in front of them. By the time one reaches middle-age, forties or certainly the fifties a particular mindset develops. As one ages, one has made many decisions in life and everybody, and I do mean everybody, constructs a framework of rationale for those decisions; necessarily to defend them to oneself. That is the psychological basis for the rigidity seen so commonly among older people. Older people simply can't make significant changes in their lives so readily, and it is extraordinarily rash and even brutal for one party in a relationship to force such changes on their partner.

And there are the other issues to think about. And age of the partners is an issue, particularly when the state is involved.
Yes we will probably not know unless AKDAN58 follows up

 

[Etoile]

There is no justification for being dishonest. You may be able to rationalize it, but you cannot justify it. Dishonesty is unethical. Period.

 

[guy_thing60]

There is no justification for being dishonest. You may be able to rationalize it, but you cannot justify it. Dishonesty is unethical. Period.

Get it through your head. I'm not justifying dishonesty, nor attempting to. I think it is as equally dishonest for one partner to deny intimacy to the other, as it is for the other to seek gratification outside the relationship.

And age and one's circumstances of life are legitimate factors to consider. Enough!

 

[fastboy]

my-my

Get it through your head. I'm not justifying dishonesty, nor attempting to. I think it is as equally dishonest for one partner to deny intimacy to the other, as it is for the other to seek gratification outside the relationship.

And age and one's circumstances of life are legitimate factors to consider. Enough!

My-My this seems to have gone way off the subject.
It was not about dishonesty, simply about, at what age to people stop wanting sex.

 

[infinity706]

My-My this seems to have gone way off the subject.
It was not about dishonesty, simply about, at what age to people stop wanting sex.

As far as I know, there is no such age. I'm also sure that it isn't exclusive to women. There's a hell of a lot of older women out there that are pretty pissed off that they're not getting fucked enough.

 

[CNYCarol]

As a woman I can understand her thinking, although I do not empathize with her.

In my marriage I was always the more sexual one. We compromised, thats what lovers do!

We decided I could go back to dating women, if I agreed to give him a FMF 3some twice a year.

I never dated without intruducing my husband and he always had a name and number where I would be.

Believe me, MANY women would be open to a similar MMF situation, she may even renew her interest in sex.

Just don't make the mistake of refusing to let her join in if the mood strikes her.

 

[Xmrah23]

Dude if you want to try cock just hit me up

 

[wonderfucker]

wife no longer wants sex - with men?

I dont want to hijack this thread, but I wanted to further discuss the wife who longer wants sex from a GLBT perspective.

My wife is mid menopause and our sex life has changed dramatically. I wont don't want to reignite the physiology argument made earlier, but have different concern. I have tried several different things to try to spice things up and stumbled on a trigger that may have back-fired on me.

I love the lit section and tried writing my own story about one of my fantasies which included a bi encounter with my wife and another woman in Vegas. Early in our relationship she was adamantly negative to girl/girl action in videos and would fast forward to the next scene. She once stated "don't even think about it - it will never happen" referring to sex with another woman. I respect that and would never even suggest anything she's not comfortable with. The funny thing is she started to masterbate and came 5 times reading my story. Since then she has has responded positively to my re-telling the fantasy, and understands its JUST a fantasy. I've tried to get her to add to the story or tell me which parts she likes/dislikes but she resists. She no longer avoids the lesbo porn scenes and even seems to enjoy it, but wont admit she is enjoying it, yet I suspect she is.

Since this time, our sex has become less and less frequent and I'm concerned it has something to do with my fantasy stuff but she is not comfortable or willing to discuss it. Is she bi-curious but reluctant to admit it openly, or worse could it be that it really turns her off (after the fact)?

Does menopause and the change of hormones lead to increased awareness/interest in female sexuality? Does the same happen to men? I have never discussed this with my wife, but in the past few years I have on several occasions fantasized about sucking a cock. I found several of these threads interesting particularly the one about guys to like to suck cock but have no other interest in sex with a man. I would like to explore this with my wife, but I'm afraid that I've turned her off somehow and the damage would be irreparable.

I have read in many threads women find male-male sex interesting much like guys do with f-f sex scenes? Is this common? Should I explore this? Could we both be bi-curious but both too afraid to explore it with each other? Can anyone share how they broached the subject with their spouse or any suggestions?

- curious

 

[none2_none2]

somehow my post got posted twice...

 

[none2_none2]

There is no justification for being dishonest. You may be able to rationalize it, but you cannot justify it. Dishonesty is unethical. Period.

I'm afraid that on your debate with guy_thing60 that I don't agree with either of you. I don't think "telling" someone you plan on stepping outside your sexual/romantic relationship with them means it is ok. Someone who does that is simply pushing the burden of their own issues on their partner so that then they then are responsible for either leaving the relationship or putting up with it. Dishonesty is unethical but so is informing your partner that you want to change the nature of your vows. I would also say that it is cruel for the partner to deny sex. What is really needed here is some kind of counseling to hash out what is really going on.

Now for guy_thing60. I think you are really trying to be open minded especially since you are against the Prop 8 in California. That is very commendable. That being said understand that sexuality isn't as black and white as you would like to think. Case in point, not all guys are just seeking ejaculation cycles. Case in point, I love asses on men that turn me on: hairy, masculine, muscular. I could j/o to ejaculation, someone could even try to suck me, but every so often I have to be inside a guy. I'd rather have my fingers and/or tongue up a guys ass than to have a man's mouth on my cock. Obviously, my most favorite is to have my cock inside, but I"m just trying to express that it isn't the cumming as much as the act of being inside that trips my trigger whether or not I reach physical orgasm. Even if I could be "drained" often, if after about a few weeks I didn't get to mess around with a guy's ass, I would be climbing the walls

Now my partner, sometimes is totally satisfied after "I" get off. In fact he says his cock & balls are sensitive after I get off. Sometimes I'll do everything to see that he gets off for two reasons: 1) It is hard for me to accept that he enjoyed sex when he hasn't shot off. I may be a top, but I want to make sure I've pleased my partner. 2) I worry about prostate problems if a guy doesn't get off. Do note that he is VERY masculine. While I consider myself masculine, he beats me by far. I mention that in case the stereotype is bottom->fem, top->masculine. The roles have no connection. Lots of bottoms are very masculine. Thus while I don't understand why my seed in him alone can give him a sense of satisfaction, I know that it isn't some desire on his part to be a woman. I think mentally it may partially be a sense of how much control a bottom can have over a top. He hasn't said that to my face, but in old days when I was with some other men who had that same satisfaction explained why making another man climax has some sense of satisfaction for them.

I would also add that I would agree somewhat that being in a relationship means your sex isn't just for you, but also your partner. I believe you can say no to your partner, but you should don't have the right to make a habit out of that unless something medically is going on. Now, I do think that being partners means you have to be VERY considerate. For instance, the nature of my sexuality is that I'm most sexually in the mood for sex when I wake up in the morning. However, many bottom men don't like it in the morning. (Lets face it, but after 8 hours of sleep and from a meal you had the prior night means it may not be an "appropriate" time for that kind of sex.) So what I do is I check out porn, get off so that I can go back to bed and be a gentleman instead of trying to cuddle when I know I'm really trying to rub up against his crack.

I would also add that I have never lost sexual interest in my partner. Perhaps almost 7 years isn't long enough to make such comments. There are times I get frustrated with some things in our relationship -- typical things. On one hand when I'm pissed about something, I may tell myself that I don't want sex with him. However, usually the opposite happens. Sex seems to make you forget what you were upset about. In fact I wonder if what I think is a big deal isn't anything more than being cranky because I haven't been in side him in a while.

I should add that when I look at porn, I really don't want to have sex with someone else. I just want to "watch". Besides truly wanting to stay monogamous, I don't want the hastles that go with someone new: 1) Will they be my type and/or me theirs? 2) Will they mind being the bottom? 3) Will I be able to put up with whatever luggage they bring? My partner may not be perfect, but that just means he is human. What I do know is that he has put up with me for almost 7 years. He is as predictable as the sunrise & the sunset on being with me. That is worth more to me than someone else could ever be. You couldn't even pay me to be with someone else as I have what I always wanted. (Well I do wish we could have kids. Though it is impossible, it is what is in my head when I'm fucking him.