the marks of a slave

[eastern sun]

I get mad, mad, mad at my partners. I get really mad. And I make paintings or write about it and then let it go.

I have this image of a stunningly beautiful piece of jewelry made entirely from crystallized anger. Worn by the chaos goddess in her most powerful guise.

If I could harness that energy, and store it in those perfect stones, I could draw on it when necessary and channel it to change this world.

But someone like me gets greedy. I horde the energy, until it burns every time I place it around my neck.


Letting it go is the key.

 

[eastern sun]

I also completely misuse my anger.

Instead of raging against the system that has failed the child, I rage against the child for failing the system.

And then feel guilty for having been angry in the first place.

It's easier for me to forgive a stranger, than it is for me to forgive myself.

 

[eastern sun]

My life has been an experiment in power and powerlessness.

The hypothesis: I am powerless.

The experiment: addiction and recovery. sex slavery. even as an artist I have repeatedly experimented with different levels of "control" over the outcome.

The materials: me and my sense of personal power

The method: let go. turn off the "controls." serve others. surrender.

The conclusion: I have power. lots of power. But I'm not at all confident in my use of it.


(My confidence has been shaken. Even as I grow stronger over the years, I periodically build my confidence on shaky foundations.
I keep thinking I can control the outcome . . . I keep thinking that I can achieve something lasting and unchangeable.)


The new hypothesis: I have power. I can't control the outcome, but still reap the consequences of my actions.



(God, help me.)

 

[Mistress_Belladonna]

I'm curious how you feel the child can fail the "system"? The child isn't there for the system, has no control over it and is completely controlled by it. The child is completely at the mercy of the system. How can they fail something they have no obligation to or for?

I've seen the "anger at the victim" thing before. Is this directed at yourself?

 

[eastern sun]

I'm curious how you feel the child can fail the "system"? The child isn't there for the system, has no control over it and is completely controlled by it. The child is completely at the mercy of the system. How can they fail something they have no obligation to or for?

I've seen the "anger at the victim" thing before. Is this directed at yourself?

I guess I'm of the opinion that most aspects of human culture, from our schools, to our economies, to our political systems, to our families, to our language itself, take the form of systems that are meant to serve the individuals within it.

But once those systems are in place, any individual who enters it must learn the rules and conform to its principles or risk being marginalized and/or treated as an outcast.

We all are trained as children to "fit in" to the systems that already exist. Not "fitting in" is a painful and isolating experience.

There are ways to change the systems. From both the inside and the outside. But that too is a painful process.

And a lot of children, teenagers, (and adults) suffer through this experience.

Even here at lit we have both written and unwritten rules and codes of conduct. I've watched people turn vicious when someone fails to observe those rules. Even spelling and grammar mistakes can elicit this response.

I worked in prisons as a young woman. I've met people who need to be marginalized for both their own and others safety. But very few. Most of the people we put in prison are there to serve the correctional system, and the economies of depressed rural communities.

Is the answer to let everyone do just as they please? Anarchy. Free Market. I don't think so. I've chosen myself to live within a relationship structure that includes externalized controls.

I just feel tremendous compassion right now, for both myself and my child. For others' children too. Who are struggling and confused because their needs are not being met by a system that wants them to meet its needs.

And makes them feel bad on two accounts - 1. for having needs in the first place that fall outside of the norm, 2. for failing to conform to the behavioral codes of the main body.

Thanks for asking, Mistress_Belladonna. It''s a bit more complicated than just "anger at the victim" though. Because if there are any victims in this scenario, it's all of us. I think it's just a painful and confusing aspect of our social systems.

And sometimes hard for me as a parent to figure out.

 

[BiBunny]

I've spent way too much time trying to figure out who I am, what I want, and where I fit in in the grand scheme of things. You know what? I'm not a sub, and I'm not a slave, either. And I'm ok with that. I think. Maybe. Possibly. I hope.

 

[eastern sun]

I can relate to this. Although I don't have kids, what that means is that Master and I spend much more time alone together and can obsess over our dynamic in a way that most D/s couples/polys/whatevers with kids in the equation simply don't have time for. I get to sit and wonder whether my slavery is still healthy for me or whether I actually resent shutting the underwear drawer he's left open for the three millionth time without complaint.

I wonder where I'll be in a few years time and how I will be affected if something should happen to end our relationship. I had a hard enough time breaking up with vanilla parters, ending a term of slavery would be so very, very hard.

I wonder if I rely on Master and his guidance a little too much. I've become accustomed now to being able to give my opinion when asked, safe in the knowledge that the hard choices will not fall to me. I know I am successful in starting my business and that it requires a great deal of self assurance, self discipline and control but that has almost no bearing on my dynamic with Master.

I've been thinking about this post a lot, velvet. Trying to figure out how to say what I think. And I always come back to the same place . . . so here goes. . . .

In my experience, this kind of questioning comes and goes repeatedly, under a number of different conditions. And I don't think it's a bad process to go through, because every time you go through it, if you choose to stay in the dynamic, your commitment to it and to each other deepens.

But it isn't easy. And it has taken me a number of places that are downright uncomfortable.

I have resented closing the drawers. We have separate dressers, so I have no reason at all to close his drawers. In fact, I spent the better part of one whole year refusing to close them, pointedly walking past without touching them, thinking short little angry thoughts every time I looked at them, and then turning my back. It colored my perception of him, too. All those angry thoughts. All that energy directed towards this "thing he does."

And what I discovered in the end was that he didn't really care whether I closed them or not. This whole realm of my experience was completely outside his range of perception. Though he could see quite well the fact that I was angry at him "for no reason."

I had to decide to close those drawers because I wanted to close the drawers.

Now, he is pleased when the house is clean and orderly. It makes him feel more comfortable. And cleaning the house (which can include closing those drawers) is my responsibility.

As a "slave," I have often struggled with questions of where my responsibility ends and others' begins.

When I am exhausted or sick, I frequently limit my actions to just what he has expressly asked me to do vs. all the many things that I have learned will make him happy. I look at the open drawers and wait until I have more energy. And sometimes they stay open for a week.

And he doesn't complain. On the other hand, if he asks me to make a phone call that I never make (for the same reason = tired, sick, can't muster the energy), he feels legitimately frustrated.

Sometimes I just have to remember that my slavery is largely self-defined. I can make it harder than it has to be.


On the second point. For many years, my husband and I lived and worked together, running our own business. Then about five or six years ago, he made a big career change and started hanging out with younger women. To say that I felt threatened is an understatement.

I found it very helpful to fully imagine the possibility that he might leave me. Or, would not leave me, but spend his time exclusively with other women.

Terrible, painful thoughts. That drive right to the heart of most middle-aged women's fears.

And I can only say this in hindsight... I would never have guessed it at the time... By preparing myself psychologically for the possibility that I might lose him, I became stronger, more independent, more sexually attractive, more creative, and less predictable than I had been in years. And he, though still flattered by the attentions of these younger women, rediscovered in me a much richer, more mature sexuality.

This was a good thing for both of us.

Don't be afraid to imagine losing him. You might rediscover aspects of yourself you've left untended.


We've been going through another hard patch recently, because of issues with our son. My son's emotional difficulties have led me once again to question the health of our relationship.

It doesn't hurt to take a good long look at what is and isn't working.

This is life.

And I imagine, "slave" or not, we all have to take a good hard look at ourselves from time to time.


I'd take your success in opening the business as a very good sign.

 

[Adakgirl]

I have no clue as to what your son's emotional difficulties may be, however they may be due to the fact that he is just not suited for public or private schooling. It may be that he is simply not being mentally challenged by the things they are teaching him or that he is a "different" kind of learner and the kind of teaching that school is providing is not helping him to improve but actually causing him to act out his frustration and causing his emotional difficulties. Very intelligent, creative children often have major problems "fitting in" to the norm. They simply can't and the more they are pushed to conform the worse things get.

Home schooling may be an option for him. Or it may be worth it to try and see if it suits him better. The following may not even relate to the problems your son is exhibiting, but I could not fit in or conform with the norm in school when I was a child either.

I know I was unable to learn in the "normal" way most children do, I needed focused individual attention that I never got. I needed to do things with my hands and be allowed to work them out on my own rather than be made to work with others in co-operation. If my was in a space that I don't think any of my peers were even close to entering. I felt that many of my teachers were not as quick or smart as I was..and I believe to this day many were not.

How can you work with other kids and learn to co-operate when they all seemed so stupid? Why couldn't they see the answers that were right in front of their faces? Why did I see them and they didn't? Why was I criticized for pointing out to them what I thought was perfectly obvious? Why did the teached stop calling on me when I raised my hand with what they knew would be the correct answer? Why did the other kids resent me and make me an outcast for knowing the right answer when they didn't?
Solution? I spent my school days tutoring children in the grades below me, we would sit in the hallway with two desks facing each other and I taught, that helped me tremendously, I was finally in a place ZI could do some good and I learned in the act of teaching others.
Also I could never figure out....
Why would they lie and cover up for another student when he stole something and we all saw it, and I could do nothing BUT tell the teacher the truth.
I was NOT a team player, I have never been able to be a team player. Like I said this may not relate in any way to what is happining to your son, but I am throwing it out here just for the hell of it anyway.

 

[Adakgirl]

LOL!

if I could choose . . . I'd rather hear "I love you slave" than "you know you love it, you fucking slut" on most days of the week

.

and I would chose on most days of the week...what you would rather not. lol

 

[eastern sun]

I have no clue as to what your son's emotional difficulties may be, however they may be due to the fact that he is just not suited for public or private schooling. It may be that he is simply not being mentally challenged by the things they are teaching him or that he is a "different" kind of learner and the kind of teaching that school is providing is not helping him to improve but actually causing him to act out his frustration and causing his emotional difficulties. Very intelligent, creative children often have major problems "fitting in" to the norm. They simply can't and the more they are pushed to conform the worse things get.

Home schooling may be an option for him. Or it may be worth it to try and see if it suits him better. The following may not even relate to the problems your son is exhibiting, but I could not fit in or conform with the norm in school when I was a child either.

I know I was unable to learn in the "normal" way most children do, I needed focused individual attention that I never got. I needed to do things with my hands and be allowed to work them out on my own rather than be made to work with others in co-operation. If my was in a space that I don't think any of my peers were even close to entering. I felt that many of my teachers were not as quick or smart as I was..and I believe to this day many were not.

How can you work with other kids and learn to co-operate when they all seemed so stupid? Why couldn't they see the answers that were right in front of their faces? Why did I see them and they didn't? Why was I criticized for pointing out to them what I thought was perfectly obvious? Why did the teached stop calling on me when I raised my hand with what they knew would be the correct answer? Why did the other kids resent me and make me an outcast for knowing the right answer when they didn't?
Solution? I spent my school days tutoring children in the grades below me, we would sit in the hallway with two desks facing each other and I taught, that helped me tremendously, I was finally in a place ZI could do some good and I learned in the act of teaching others.
Also I could never figure out....
Why would they lie and cover up for another student when he stole something and we all saw it, and I could do nothing BUT tell the teacher the truth.
I was NOT a team player, I have never been able to be a team player. Like I said this may not relate in any way to what is happining to your son, but I am throwing it out here just for the hell of it anyway.

This is what I've told myself for years. He was diagnosed with mild asperger's yesterday.

 

[CutieMouse]

This is what I've told myself for years. He was diagnosed with mild asperger's yesterday.

I was wondering if that was possible... The Boy is, too; PM if you ever need to talk.

 

[Adakgirl]

I'm sorry to hear that..but there is this"

People with Asperger's Syndrome, while they may have a variety of difficulties throughout their lives, tend to be productive members of society. Many people with Asperger's Syndrome wind up as engineers, or in other areas where attention to detail is important and where large amounts of social interaction are not a requirement of the job.

and at least you know now for sure that his emotional problems do not stem from your M/s relationship. This is not your fault. It sucks that trained mental health professionals can sometimes take so long in coming to correct conclusions, it causes unnecessary pain and anguish for the parents.

 

[CutieMouse]

I'm sorry to hear that..but there is this"

People with Asperger's Syndrome, while they may have a variety of difficulties throughout their lives, tend to be productive members of society. Many people with Asperger's Syndrome wind up as engineers, or in other areas where attention to detail is important and where large amounts of social interaction are not a requirement of the job.

and at least you know now for sure that his emotional problems do not stem from your M/s relationship. This is not your fault. It sucks that trained mental health professionals can sometimes take so long in coming to correct conclusions, it causes unnecessary pain and anguish for the parents.

Actually my hardest balancing point with The Boy is reminding him that although Einstein, Edison, etc are now viewed as possible Aspies, that does not mean he will do great things in life without going above and beyond the norm. An IQ of 140 doesn't mean jack if you forget to turn in homework and flunk out of school...

 

[VelvetDarkness]

In my experience, this kind of questioning comes and goes repeatedly, under a number of different conditions. And I don't think it's a bad process to go through, because every time you go through it, if you choose to stay in the dynamic, your commitment to it and to each other deepens.

But it isn't easy. And it has taken me a number of places that are downright uncomfortable.

Yeah, I completely get this. I started out in complete denial, classic 'my Master will be around forever and love nobody but me' fingers in the ears type of stuff. Then, whenever I was drunk or down, I'd stare hard into the abyss of potential loneliness and loss until it was no longer a closed oubliette in a corner at the back of my head but a foetid swamp that I had to wade through, neck deep in terror until I reached solid ground once more.

Then I obsessed about it for a while and tried to be some kind of Uberslave. That too has its dangers because once I was acting at about my optimum in terms of service, devotion etc, I began to panic that if I dropped my game he'd value me less. I was juggling all these balls, trying to impress him and it felt like if I dropped them at any time, the sky would fall and he'd seek a 'better' slave elsewhere.

Once again, completely groundless but I still managed to scare the shit out of myself until I saw sense.

I have resented closing the drawers. We have separate dressers, so I have no reason at all to close his drawers. In fact, I spent the better part of one whole year refusing to close them, pointedly walking past without touching them, thinking short little angry thoughts every time I looked at them, and then turning my back. It colored my perception of him, too. All those angry thoughts. All that energy directed towards this "thing he does."

And what I discovered in the end was that he didn't really care whether I closed them or not. This whole realm of my experience was completely outside his range of perception. Though he could see quite well the fact that I was angry at him "for no reason."

I had to decide to close those drawers because I wanted to close the drawers.

Now, he is pleased when the house is clean and orderly. It makes him feel more comfortable. And cleaning the house (which can include closing those drawers) is my responsibility.

As a "slave," I have often struggled with questions of where my responsibility ends and others' begins.

When I am exhausted or sick, I frequently limit my actions to just what he has expressly asked me to do vs. all the many things that I have learned will make him happy. I look at the open drawers and wait until I have more energy. And sometimes they stay open for a week.

And he doesn't complain. On the other hand, if he asks me to make a phone call that I never make (for the same reason = tired, sick, can't muster the energy), he feels legitimately frustrated.

What I feel I can reasonably accomplish and what I think needs to be done to maintain domestic harmony ebbs and flows over time. Sometimes I'll leave the housework until everything needs blitzing and attack it with gusto, feeling a sense of real achievement when I'm done. Sometimes I can't walk past the drawer without closing it and that impulse needles me. It makes me feel like a well trained puppy with an ingrained, Pavlovian response to open drawers, rather than an intelligent woman who chooses to do these things because on a grander scale, she finds them deeply fulfilling. I relish the big, challenging tasks and the times when he really pushes my limits and drop-kicks me out of my comfort zone. Sometimes I feel like closing bloody drawers that he didn't have to leave open is beneath me... a dangerous notion and one he has smacked out of my ass before now.

I'm a fucking entrepreneur now! Why should I be closing his underwear drawer every damn day? And WHY can I not just breeze by and not care if it's left open?

Because I am a slave. Because I am his slave and closing drawers falls squarely into the box marked, 'things Master expects of me.'

Sometimes I just have to remember that my slavery is largely self-defined. I can make it harder than it has to be.

Which basically sums up everything I've just said very succinctly. All this angst and introspection is something I inflict on myself. Although Master sets the ground rules and has his expectations, I define my slavery and I do that with every single task I undertake, with whatever degree of genuine devotion or willingness. Sometimes I really envy how black and white this all is for him, when I exist solely in fluctuating shades of grey.

On the second point. For many years, my husband and I lived and worked together, running our own business. Then about five or six years ago, he made a big career change and started hanging out with younger women. To say that I felt threatened is an understatement.

I found it very helpful to fully imagine the possibility that he might leave me. Or, would not leave me, but spend his time exclusively with other women.

Terrible, painful thoughts. That drive right to the heart of most middle-aged women's fears.

And I can only say this in hindsight... I would never have guessed it at the time... By preparing myself psychologically for the possibility that I might lose him, I became stronger, more independent, more sexually attractive, more creative, and less predictable than I had been in years. And he, though still flattered by the attentions of these younger women, rediscovered in me a much richer, more mature sexuality.

This was a good thing for both of us.

Don't be afraid to imagine losing him. You might rediscover aspects of yourself you've left untended.


We've been going through another hard patch recently, because of issues with our son. My son's emotional difficulties have led me once again to question the health of our relationship.

I can understand this. It's not something I've really gone through yet but there are inklings, little rainclouds that one day will thunder. He has a couple of good female friends at work and they've gone to the pub after a long day at the office and spent time together. One friend went through a very bad break up not so long ago and she casually informed me that my guy 'gives the best hugs in the world.'

"He what!"



And then I have to bitchslap myself until I realise how stupid I am.

We also have a couple of recent candidates for threesomes, which we both still really want to do but I still have petty insecurities about the whole thing that I have to stamp on.

It doesn't hurt to take a good long look at what is and isn't working.

This is life.

And I imagine, "slave" or not, we all have to take a good hard look at ourselves from time to time.


I'd take your success in opening the business as a very good sign.

Thanks. From you that means more than I can say.

 

[Homburg]

Sometimes I really envy how black and white this all is for him, when I exist solely in fluctuating shades of grey.

Do you really think it is that simple on this side of the whip?

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Do you really think it is that simple on this side of the whip?

No.

He's just doing a better job of acting like it is.

 

[Homburg]

No.

He's just doing a better job of acting like it is.

It's part of the skill set.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

It's part of the skill set.

Sometimes he wears his heart on his sleeve. We need emotional vulnerability and frankness and we laugh and cry together like any other couple. The day to day stuff he's much more together about than I am though, mainly because he can put the day's goalposts anywhere he damn well pleases and then watch me aim for them.

I know it's not simpler on the other side of the whip but I know that for the most part, his failings are only failings if he decides they are. I fail him on some levels but I fail myself on others too and I can beat myself up about stuff that he is often genuinely oblivious to.

If any of that makes sense.

 

[intothewoods]

Huh. As a submissive, I see closing drawers and all that as part of the agreement to submit, not tied to my identity. Someone has to do it.

 

[Homburg]

Sometimes he wears his heart on his sleeve. We need emotional vulnerability and frankness and we laugh and cry together like any other couple. The day to day stuff he's much more together about than I am though, mainly because he can put the day's goalposts anywhere he damn well pleases and then watch me aim for them.

I know it's not simpler on the other side of the whip but I know that for the most part, his failings are only failings if he decides they are. I fail him on some levels but I fail myself on others too and I can beat myself up about stuff that he is often genuinely oblivious to.

If any of that makes sense.

It makes sense, sure, but the implication that it is black and white ont his side is not so sure. And, honestly, that you are any different in deciding whether or not your failings are actually failings. You can just as easily decide that they aren't failings, much like he can. Well, outside your dynamic at least.

--

Huh. As a submissive, I see closing drawers and all that as part of the agreement to submit, not tied to my identity. Someone has to do it.

As a dominant, I close my own drawers.

 

[myinnerslut]

As a dominant, I close my own drawers.

as a slave, its something i have to remember to do. open drawers never bothered me, which led to me just not caring if i closed them or not in my room. viv cares. Master cares. now i try to remember. more for them then for me, but does that matter in the end as long as it gets done?

 

[intothewoods]

As a dominant, I close my own drawers.

Hee hee. I wasn't being literal, though I know easternsun was. If we're talking about the thing he never remembers to do, I guess it would be picking clothes off the ground. Mister Man's dresser (bachelor that he is, still) is this steel frame with cloth drawers. Something that would be in someone's laundry room. It's such a bachelor guy piece of furniture! I said, you're getting rid of that, right? He was all shocked - wha? Why? It's functional and works well. Why would I get rid of it?

Anyway the point is that he has to close those drawers or they would fall on the ground.

He is more likely to leave everything on the ground. Everything.

 

[Homburg]

as a slave, its something i have to remember to do. open drawers never bothered me, which led to me just not caring if i closed them or not in my room. viv cares. Master cares. now i try to remember. more for them then for me, but does that matter in the end as long as it gets done?

I am less than scrupulous about closing cabinet doors. And you'd think I would be, as many of them are at the exact height to bash my head in when I'm not paying attention.

--

Hee hee. I wasn't being literal, though I know easternsun was. If we're talking about the thing he never remembers to do, I guess it would be picking clothes off the ground. Mister Man's dresser (bachelor that he is, still) is this steel frame with cloth drawers. Something that would be in someone's laundry room. It's such a bachelor guy piece of furniture! I said, you're getting rid of that, right? He was all shocked - wha? Why? It's functional and works well. Why would I get rid of it?

Anyway the point is that he has to close those drawers or they would fall on the ground.

He is more likely to leave everything on the ground. Everything.

Nope. My clothes go in the hamper. I'll leave everyone else's where they leave it, as I'm not driven to correct the foibles of others (more likely to growl at them about correcting it).

Certain clothes get left in various places. I've got an overshirt that I toss on when I blearily drive my son to the bus stop while still half asleep. That shirt resides near my desk, along with a fleece vest or two for cold days. I really need to police that particular area, but, eh.

And my desk is a disaster.

Honestly, I should probably be more picky about things like that, but I feel like viv has enough on her plate already. I know, I'm a wimp. A Real Master© would just tell her to do it.

 

[intothewoods]

Nope. My clothes go in the hamper. I'll leave everyone else's where they leave it, as I'm not driven to correct the foibles of others (more likely to growl at them about correcting it).

Certain clothes get left in various places. I've got an overshirt that I toss on when I blearily drive my son to the bus stop while still half asleep. That shirt resides near my desk, along with a fleece vest or two for cold days. I really need to police that particular area, but, eh.

And my desk is a disaster.

Honestly, I should probably be more picky about things like that, but I feel like viv has enough on her plate already. I know, I'm a wimp. A Real Master(c) would just tell her to do it.

Is that supposed to be a copyright symbol? You people.

 

[Homburg]

Is that supposed to be a copyright symbol? You people.

Fetch me the proper character and I'll edit the post. Until then, pipe down.