More shades of meaning.

[voluptuary_manque]

Is there any real difference between an 'affair' and a 'fling'? Is the latter something with duration and the latter more of a one-night (or weekend) stand? I have heard the phrase 'a little fling' but is there 'a big fling'?


Yes, yes, I know I'm being anal about this but proper word usage is important to me.

 

[Saucy_Sage]

They're different if you're the cheater. If you're the cheatee, it really doesn't matter what you call it.

 

[midwestyankee]

I'm not sure that "fling" is current usage. These days, you hear about hookups and one-night stands more than flings.

The other distinction that is interesting is between an affair between the sheets and an affair of the heart (which might be chaste).

 

[3113]

Is there any real difference between an 'affair' and a 'fling'? Is the latter something with duration and the latter more of a one-night (or weekend) stand? I have heard the phrase 'a little fling' but is there 'a big fling'?

It's hard as the word "affair" often is brandied about even if the husband/wife only cheats with this person once. But I'd say that the difference is whether you had some relationship with the person prior to sleeping with them--meaning you led up to the sex whether it was one-time or many times.

This as compared to someone who you had no plans on sleeping with and it just happened and then was over.

An affair, IMHO, involves a non-sexual relationship as much as the sexual relationship. A fling does not.

 

[Stella_Omega]

You could use "a big fling" in a conversation, I think.

"My wife isn't talking to me, she found out about that little fling I had last year."

"Oh come on, asshole, that was a big fling!"

"Umm... medium big?"

"I wouldn't talk to you either, if I were your wife."

 

[midwestyankee]

It's hard as the word "affair" often is brandied about even if the husband/wife only cheats with this person once. But I'd say that the difference is whether you had some relationship with the person prior to sleeping with them--meaning you led up to the sex whether it was one-time or many times.

This as compared to someone who you had no plans on sleeping with and it just happened and then was over.

An affair, IMHO, involves a non-sexual relationship as much as the sexual relationship. A fling does not.

These are fuzzy words, in my view. Affair does seem to have one overwhelmingly constant meaning: unfaithfulness to a committed partner. Beyond that, there is unfaithfulness of the heart as well as of the body. One can also consider duration, as VM suggested in the original post.

What I don't see is that "fling" and "affair" are complementary terms that make up the entire universe of words used to describe some form of infidelity. For example, if a married person found a fuck buddy, with whom there was next to no affection beyond casual friendship, how would it be classified? If there is little emotion involved, does that make it a fling or is it still an affair when it runs on to several liaisons? Or what if two married people have developed a deep but platonic relationship. Then, on an unusual occasion, they do the horizontal mambo one time. What's that? The emotion is deep but the infidelity happened only once.

I think it's too easy to think that such terms have generally-recognizable limits and boundaries when they really don't.

 

[Liar]

Yes, yes, I know I'm being anal about this but proper word usage is important to me.

If you get into being or doing anal with a fling, it's an affair.

 

[sr71plt]

In my writing a fling would be shorter in duration and shallower in depth of relationship than an affair.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

In my writing a fling would be shorter in duration and shallower in depth of relationship than an affair.

That's pretty much the way I'd interpret it. An affair that included the spouse would be polyamory whereas a fling would be swinging, no?

 

[Selena_Kitt]

If you get into being or doing anal with a fling, it's an affair.

*laugh*

I'm going to start stalking you, just so I can have a little humor in my day.

No pressure!

 

[sr71plt]

That's pretty much the way I'd interpret it. An affair that included the spouse would be polyamory whereas a fling would be swinging, no?

I don't see either as being in relationship to one's spouse (or even to marriage). If I were using the terms in writing, a fling would be an impulsive weekend-type, just enjoying each other's bodies thing, ,and an affair would be longer and would include the setting up of some sort of arrangement of the coupling/meeting within the regular lives of the two (or more) involved and would include some sort of consideration of the effect of the arrangement on the others in the couple's lives.

 

[Emperor_Nero]

That's pretty much the way I'd interpret it. An affair that included the spouse would be polyamory whereas a fling would be swinging, no?

Now you're opening a whole new can of worms Bear. Swingers often have repeated trysts with the same people for many reasons -- not the least of which are simple convienience and familiarity. But those swinging relationships, IMHO, would have very little to do with polyamory.

Much as MidwestYankee mentioned in regards to affair and fling, I believe the key difference between polyamory and swinging is emotion. Swingers may be friends, they may be buddies but generally there is no emotional attachment to the other person or couple beyond that. I see polyamory as being more an emotional state -- involving love and true emotion, be that expressed sexually or not

 

[michchick98]

In my writing a fling would be shorter in duration and shallower in depth of relationship than an affair.

I have to say I agree with this. IMO, a fling is a short-term, no strings attached kind of thing (the two college students had a fling while on spring break) where an affair would (to me) involve more feelings or emotions and long term repercussions.

That would be how I'd define the two words. I could be way off, but I'd guess that most people would get the gist of what I was saying/writing.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

I must have miss-worded that last post I made. I was simply trying to use another set of metaphors to differentiate between flings and affairs and seem to have given the idea I was either changing or expanding the subject. That was not my intent.

Now back to the subject. I am getting the impression that not only would an affair be of longer duration than a fling but an affair has considerable depth of feeling whereas a fling is more "Sex is fun. Let's fuck." Closer?

 

[sr71plt]

I must have miss-worded that last post I made. I was simply trying to use another set of metaphors to differentiate between flings and affairs and seem to have given the idea I was either changing or expanding the subject. That was not my intent.

Now back to the subject. I am getting the impression that not only would an affair be of longer duration than a fling but an affair has considerable depth of feeling whereas a fling is more "Sex is fun. Let's fuck." Closer?

Yes, that's pretty much the way I'd see it. Athough the depth wouldn't have to be "considerable"--just more complex than for a fling.

 

[Emperor_Nero]

I must have miss-worded that last post I made. I was simply trying to use another set of metaphors to differentiate between flings and affairs and seem to have given the idea I was either changing or expanding the subject. That was not my intent.

Now back to the subject. I am getting the impression that not only would an affair be of longer duration than a fling but an affair has considerable depth of feeling whereas a fling is more "Sex is fun. Let's fuck." Closer?

But I think you're on the right track and that the differentiation between the two is more a matter of emotional attachment ... be those two words fling and affair or swinging and polyamory.

Flings tend to be shorter because it's hard to sustain a relationship without emotion. "Sex is fun. Let's fuck." only holds your attention for so long. Same with swinging ... you may get together once a month, once a week or whatever, but it's not a consistant being each other's back pocket. I see both an affair and polyamory as more of a daily part of one's life -- even if that daily interaction is just a quick phone call, email or instant message. The emotional attachment draws you to that other party and you feel empty when you miss that contact.

 

[3113]

Now back to the subject. I am getting the impression that not only would an affair be of longer duration than a fling but an affair has considerable depth of feeling whereas a fling is more "Sex is fun. Let's fuck." Closer?

Granted, and we'll say that when most people think of affairs they think of couples meeting up regularly for sexual trysts. However, once again, I have heard the term used even when the cheating couple only slept together once. In all such cases, however, either prior to or after that sex they were, for intents and purposes, dating. They dined together, spent time together, had a relationship. Putting it another way, they cheated on their spouses in more than just having sex. They cheated by having a relationship.

"Fling," in my book, means there wasn't anything leading up to the sex. And it's especially apt, I think, if the sex was on the spur of the moment, unexpected, unplanned. The cheating was just sex.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

Granted, and we'll say that when most people think of affairs they think of couples meeting up regularly for sexual trysts. However, once again, I have heard the term used even when the cheating couple only slept together once. In all such cases, however, either prior to or after that sex they were, for intents and purposes, dating. They dined together, spent time together, had a relationship. Putting it another way, they cheated on their spouses in more than just having sex. They cheated by having a relationship.

"Fling," in my book, means there wasn't anything leading up to the sex. And it's especially apt, I think, if the sex was on the spur of the moment, unexpected, unplanned. The cheating was just sex.

I'm uncomfortable with that phrase "cheated by having a relationship." If such a thing is possible, it logically follows that any close friendship between persons of opposite sex is cheating and that the only close relationship one should have with any member of said opposite sex is with one's legally attached spouse. I don't believe that position is defensible.

 

[Emperor_Nero]

I'm uncomfortable with that phrase "cheated by having a relationship." If such a thing is possible, it logically follows that any close friendship between persons of opposite sex is cheating and that the only close relationship one should have with any member of said opposite sex is with one's legally attached spouse. I don't believe that position is defensible.

Is that close friendship someone is having with a person of the opposite sex being hidden from that legally attached spouse? I have many close friends of the opposite sex that Wenchie knows all about, so the argument of affair would crumble. But if I had an extremely close friendship that I intentionally hid from her, it would be treading into affair territory.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

Is that close friendship someone is having with a person of the opposite sex being hidden from that legally attached spouse? I have many close friends of the opposite sex that Wenchie knows all about, so the argument of affair would crumble. But if I had an extremely close friendship that I intentionally hid from her, it would be treading into affair territory.

Getting better. I think that's quite a good position. Stella has come over to use my shop and talk for hours. HM knows full well that I have been trying to promote Molly's writing and I've told her that I have invited Sweetness and her hubby to join us on a river cruise. Then there are the several (not all, just several) women that I've worked with for 10 or more years. That kind of close friendship, out in the clear, cannot qualify as an affair. Now I suppose the next poster will ask, "Well, what if the spouse feels that it's an affair, even if they know about it?" I'd call that paranoia, myself, but what does a male bear know about female primates?

 

[Emperor_Nero]

Getting better. I think that's quite a good position. Stella has come over to use my shop and talk for hours. HM knows full well that I have been trying to promote Molly's writing and I've told her that I have invited Sweetness and her hubby to join us on a river cruise. Then there are the several (not all, just several) women that I've worked with for 10 or more years. That kind of close friendship, out in the clear, cannot qualify as an affair. Now I suppose the next poster will ask, "Well, what if the spouse feels that it's an affair, even if they know about it?" I'd call that paranoia, myself, but what does a male bear know about female primates?

It's all a level of degree.

For example, if there was a woman that you had worked with for 10-plus years and you talk about things that happen at work and jokes that you told and such with your wife, then she is aware of that relationship and it should not be considered an affair (IMO).

On the other hand, if you and this same person start going off for quiet dinners alone or start seripticiously making phone calls and these facts aren't mentioned to your wife or are actually hidden from her, you would be treading pretty close to an affair, even though it's with a woman your wife is aware you have a close friendship with

 

[voluptuary_manque]

It's all a level of degree.

For example, if there was a woman that you had worked with for 10-plus years and you talk about things that happen at work and jokes that you told and such with your wife, then she is aware of that relationship and it should not be considered an affair (IMO).

On the other hand, if you and this same person start going off for quiet dinners alone or start seripticiously making phone calls and these facts aren't mentioned to your wife or are actually hidden from her, you would be treading pretty close to an affair, even though it's with a woman your wife is aware you have a close friendship with

Exactly. At that point, the woman is headed straight into LW story with all the attendant trollery that goes along with them.