Unhappy with my sex life... What should I do?

[nymfo112]

Hello. My names Christine, I'm 21 years old and I'm from Melbourne Australia. I just joined because I wanted to start using the forum, but I've been reading Literotica for about 3 years.

I've been really intereasted in BDSM (me being a submissive) since... well, since I became intereasted in sex :S

I've had a few serious relationships (and am in one now) but I am never satisfied with sex. I've tried to get my partners intereasted in things I am into. But everything I try to bring out the kinky stuff in the bedroom they have freaked out. My current boyfriend is especially boring, and, well just sorta lays there lol. I am starting to go crazy. Being submissive is just something I feel I need. I'm not sure how to explain it but I guess other people here might know what I mean. I really care about my boyfriend, but I have a very high sex drive and need to be satisfied.

Is there anything you can do to make someone intereasted in the lifestyle? or am I doomed to spend my days masturbating to fantasies? lol... Maybe I just need to find a new partner.

 

[Netzach]

Maybe I just need to find a new partner.

It's called sexual incompatibility and unless you plan on it for life, moving on is probably a good idea.

 

[neci]

*poof*

 

[SlaveNienna]

Hello. I totally know where you're coming from. I used to have the same problem. I lost my virginity to my husband when I was 18 and at first the "regular" sex was great. I can still remember my first orgasm. However, after a while I couldn't get off anymore. This really bothered my lover because he thought that it was him I wasn't into anymore and that just wasn't true. My biggest quandary is that it has to hurt for me to get off. That can be a hard thing for young males in our society to accept and once it's accepted it can be even harder to implement. My best advice I can give you is just to be patient. Baby steps are the key thing here. These social barriers of "women are equals" and "spousal abuse" can be hard to break down. My husband and I have really started to enjoy the BDSM activities and he's becoming more comfortable with owning me and telling me what to do. The amazing thing, to me, is that the harder we go the more sensitive he becomes to my emotional well being and the more nurturing and protective he is over me. Things he does for me now he would have never thought about when we were "equals". However he still seems a little hesitant about giving me pain. He does do it, and he seems to enjoy doing it, but it's never as intense as I feel I can handle. I remind him that I'm not made of glass and I can handle it. He seems more than willing and it doesn't seem to put him off when I express my desire for this but I think those mental barriers still haven't entirely been broken down. I remind myself to be patient, that it will take time as his whole life he's been told that hurting women is always wrong all the time. Even when she gets off on it? Well our rational mind says no but our emotions and past experiences can still scream yes. If you manage to break down some of these barriers and he agrees to give you a spanking or tie you up remember to thank him and always be greatful for the attention he has given you even if you feel you could have gone farther. Reinforce these activities as being a positive experience. Don't push him too hard and don't try to do too much too fast as this might cause him to resent you and those activities and it can wound his self esteem to know that he's not pleasing you sexually. When all is done it is better to feel you could have gone farther than to feel like things went too far.

 

[Corylea]

That's a great post, SlaveNienna; I think you've given wonderful advice there.

I think another problem with inflicting pain, besides the men-hurting-women-is-always-wrong thing, is that nice people, good people, kind people don't hurt anyone. And if your guy hurts you and likes it, well, what does that mean about who he is? I still wrestle with this one, and I've been topping people for a couple of decades now. My conscience is okay as long as I do things I've done before (and processed before!), but whenever I do something new, I have to struggle with it all over again.

I have a friend I'll call James who enjoys being punched in the chest. He's on the plump side, so he has a fairly well padded chest, and he's shown me pictures of some quite spectacular bruises on his chest that he's gotten when playing with a top friend of his. So the next time I topped him, I tried it out, and I was disturbed at how MUCH fun it was to punch him in the chest. I love James. Not romantically, but as a friend, but still, he's a special person, and I adore him. And I found myself punching him in the chest two or three times, then hugging him and telling him that I still liked him. Luckily, he found this amusing and endearing, but wow, it really stretched my conscience. But I still look forward to doing it again.

So, yeah, when introducing someone to inflicting pain, you need to allow their conscience time to catch up.

 

[Netzach]

But - not - everyone -isn't - vanilla.

They have as much right to their missionary lying there mutualistic sex as I have to my freak show. Not everyone WILL convert. If there's NO sign of interest whatever, why assume one will suddenly cultivate just from wishing?

I was born with a desire to hurt people during sex. It was entirely the right of the person I was with to not be into that. It wasn't something that he was going to get into with a little persuasion. Or even a lot.

 

[SlaveNienna]

That's a great post, SlaveNienna; I think you've given wonderful advice there.

I think another problem with inflicting pain, besides the men-hurting-women-is-always-wrong thing, is that nice people, good people, kind people don't hurt anyone. And if your guy hurts you and likes it, well, what does that mean about who he is? I still wrestle with this one, and I've been topping people for a couple of decades now. My conscience is okay as long as I do things I've done before (and processed before!), but whenever I do something new, I have to struggle with it all over again.

I have a friend I'll call James who enjoys being punched in the chest. He's on the plump side, so he has a fairly well padded chest, and he's shown me pictures of some quite spectacular bruises on his chest that he's gotten when playing with a top friend of his. So the next time I topped him, I tried it out, and I was disturbed at how MUCH fun it was to punch him in the chest. I love James. Not romantically, but as a friend, but still, he's a special person, and I adore him. And I found myself punching him in the chest two or three times, then hugging him and telling him that I still liked him. Luckily, he found this amusing and endearing, but wow, it really stretched my conscience. But I still look forward to doing it again.

So, yeah, when introducing someone to inflicting pain, you need to allow their conscience time to catch up.

Corylea, those are some great questions, questions everybody here should be asking themselves if they haven't already. And herein, the sexual discussion ends and the philosophy begins. I myself have meditated on this a lot. It's like, the inside of me is compelled but my mind has a hard time accepting what my heart already knows. For me, it's very much a spiritual thing. I've done a lot of reading so I'll reccommend this essay to you. I've always considered myself a strong female and have been proud of my ability to handle things so accepting, not just indulging fantasy but truly accepting the submissive/slave side of me was hard. I even wrote a poem about how I feel the devil is grasping hold on my soul. When I read this essay at first their was much in it that I found hard to accept. It envoked negative emotions like anger and fear that I had to work through along my path of acception. There was a lot too, however that I agreed with upon the first reading which compelled me to read it a second time. Now it all makes sense. You may or may not have the same experience reading it but it's intelligently written and assesses all those dark little questions. Please read it with an open mind. So to get to the article, go to www.leathernroses.com then scroll down to the "Resources" section. There you will see a link for "J. Mikael Togneri's Essays". Click on it and read all the essays from beginning to end. You may just find the answers you seek.

 

[BiBunny]

Also, if somebody's doing something solely to make their partner happy, in the long run, both of them will be miserable.

 

[culloden]

It's funny how long it takes to get past these taboos. My wife and I have a fantastic relationship, and the sex has been awesome for 25 years. Maybe fifteen years ago, I was playing with her ass with spanking it in mind, something I didn't know how to breech to her, when she said, "You could try spanking me a little there if you wanted."

Around that time, I tied her hands with a bathrobe belt in a few instances. That was about as far as we went in bdsm until about three years ago when I discovered Japanese bondage. I bought a copy of David Lawrence's Bound, and with much trepidation, brought it out one night. Since then, we've progressed deep into bondage, as well as flogging and cropping and caning and blood and wax.

But with each new step, I still worry about going too far.

Point is, we communicate extremely well, to the point we know what the other is going to say before the words come out. And it's still not easy to broach new ideas, despite the fact that we've tried every one either of us has ever articulated.

 

[midwestyankee]

It's funny how long it takes to get past these taboos. My wife and I have a fantastic relationship, and the sex has been awesome for 25 years. Maybe fifteen years ago, I was playing with her ass with spanking it in mind, something I didn't know how to breech to her, when she said, "You could try spanking me a little there if you wanted."

Around that time, I tied her hands with a bathrobe belt in a few instances. That was about as far as we went in bdsm until about three years ago when I discovered Japanese bondage. I bought a copy of David Lawrence's Bound, and with much trepidation, brought it out one night. Since then, we've progressed deep into bondage, as well as flogging and cropping and caning and blood and wax.

But with each new step, I still worry about going too far.

Point is, we communicate extremely well, to the point we know what the other is going to say before the words come out. And it's still not easy to broach new ideas, despite the fact that we've tried every one either of us has ever articulated.

And for every one of these stories, there are 9 stories where precisely the opposite resulted: absolutely nothing. If I were to try that same approach (for the umpteenth time, in fact), my result would be a glare and a shut down partner. Netz is right: not everyone isn't vanilla and no number of anecdotal "conversion" stories will change that. Not everyone finds their ultimate sexual identity on the Road to Damascus, yanno?

 

[Corylea]

I don't think anyone is saying that EVERYONE can be converted. But some people can be, and some people are into the same things you are but don't know how to bring them up. It's worth broaching the subject in a tactful way if the relationship is satisfying otherwise.


It amazes me how often people on the net read "always" or "never" into sentences that do not, in fact, contain these words.

 

[midwestyankee]

I don't think anyone is saying that EVERYONE can be converted. But some people can be, and some people are into the same things you are but don't know how to bring them up. It's worth broaching the subject in a tactful way if the relationship is satisfying otherwise.


It amazes me how often people on the net read "always" or "never" into sentences that do not, in fact, contain these words.

Just as frequently, people post anecdotes that they believe prove an absolute even though they don't clarify their intentions in a way that one might in an academic paper.

 

[culloden]

I don't think anyone is saying that EVERYONE can be converted. But some people can be, and some people are into the same things you are but don't know how to bring them up. It's worth broaching the subject in a tactful way if the relationship is satisfying otherwise.


It amazes me how often people on the net read "always" or "never" into sentences that do not, in fact, contain these words.

That's correct. I'm sure previous lovers would have looked at as if I were from Mars had I offered to redden their tender areas. My point was only that even those of us with kinky blood are often constrained by deep-seated taboos.

BTW, Corylea, I love your avatar. Parrish is a wonderful illustrator, and that particular image is utterly appropriate for this site. But I'm sure that's why you chose it.

 

[culloden]

Just as frequently, people post anecdotes that they believe prove an absolute even though they don't clarify their intentions in a way that one might in an academic paper.

I'm pretty certain I wasn't writing an academic paper. <G>

I could see how what I wrote didn't exclude that conclusion, though. However, all I was doing was writing of my own experience to demonstrate a side point. I guess the corollary is that you don't know unless you ask, but don't be surprised if you're shot down.

Kink isn't for everyone. If it was, it wouldn't be kink.

 

[tkvh4u2]

Also, if somebody's doing something solely to make their partner happy, in the long run, both of them will be miserable.

That is too true. I did that for nearly nine years in my marriage and felt as though I was numb. I am so happy being with someone who not only understands what I need as a sub but is enthusiastic.

 

[subwannabe]

In your own words you are "doomed to spend my days masturbating to fantasies". There are many parts of a relationship. If you are that unsatisfied with your sex life, the other aspects aren't going to make up enough of it to make you feel happy.

 

[visviva2]

From my own experience it's possible for someone who is not really dominant to learn the purely physical aspects of BDSM such as inflicting pain, but I do not believe that just anyone can ever *learn* how to dominate in a way that meets the emotional and sexual needs of a submissive woman who really wants to be dominated in the D/s sense.

If you are not sure if you want BDSM or D/s (and from you say this isn't clear) then maybe you should do a bit of on-line research to find out the difference so you can know where you are on that spectrum.
Self-knowledge is the first step to finding what you want. The next step is knowing what you need to find someone who can provide it (and that means they also need to have a lot of self-knowledge about their own desires).

There is a BIG difference between playing what I would consider BDSM games, and knowing how to treat a submissive woman in a way that makes her feel that her true nature is completely understood and appreciated. My opinion (and of course it's just my opinion) is that Dominant men are born that way, and that those who don't naturally have such an inclination will never really get it.

There's a real danger that trying to encourage your bf to act in a way he doesn't really understand and that is not a function of his true nature is simply going to result in NEITHER of you being satisfied with the outcome. Even if your bf is willing to try act out a role you suggest in order to meet your needs, he has to have that natural inclination or it will just seem like he is doing it to please you. I don't believe your submissive desires will be met by someone who is just playing a role (no matter how good their intentions).

Of course it depends on what you feel you need. I'm assuming you want *real* submission, not just bedroom games. You say that you want to be submissive and that you have a high sex drive, but I'm not sure how deeply submissive your needs are, or whether a bit of bondage sex would be enough for you.

Anyone can learn to tie a knot or wave a riding crop around, but there is a lot more involved in giving a submissive woman what she needs to feel safe and to truly surrender to her desires. If that's what you want the sex will not be enough (eventually). So I'd suggest you may really need someone who has the ability to understand your needs and desires without you having to tell them exactly what you want. If you have to tell them everything, I don't see this working for you in the long term.

Maybe if you told us a bit more about those fantasies you're masturbating to, it would be clearer just what you really want and need?

 

[ted_cinti]

tell him to bring a friend home, tie you up and have the both of them makes love to you, or you find someone who will!

ted ~ cincinnati

 

[HappyMisha]

From my own experience it's possible for someone who is not really dominant to learn the purely physical aspects of BDSM such as inflicting pain, but I do not believe that just anyone can ever *learn* how to dominate in a way that meets the emotional and sexual needs of a submissive woman who really wants to be dominated in the D/s sense.

Absolutely. And further to the point of a few others, not everybody is into that lifestyle. Some will never understand it, and that is ok.

 

[never_enough_au]

Hi Christine,
I've found myself in a similar place to you I guess - both mentally and geographically. THe har4desy thing I have found is the fact that everything else about my partner is great. Lit has therefore become a must have outlet for me. I've had some great ongoing chats with people (particularly via pm (which I see you haven't enabled)) so perhaps you could embrace this as a starting point to see where your mind takes you.

 

[growingupnow]

Is there anything you can do to make someone intereasted in the lifestyle? or am I doomed to spend my days masturbating to fantasies? lol... Maybe I just need to find a new partner.

I am having a similar problem buy it's with the hubby *sigh*. He doesn't want to try anything other than " vanilla". I can't wait to teacher the responses for suggestions

 

[under_steel]

Great Post

Great information! Nice to hear other people share their feelings about the same situation I'm in.

 

[Marquis]

It's called sexual incompatibility and unless you plan on it for life, moving on is probably a good idea.

I think this is pretty much the long and short of it.

Every relationship needs tweaking here and there, but this one sounds more like a do-over.

 

[Marquis]

It's always amazing to me how many people are in this situation. One thing I think most of you in this situation have in common is this:

an unwillingness to compromise your friendship with your lover to get the kind of sex life you desire.

I think that whether you want to have a sexually charged relationship with your current partner or find someone for whom that sort of relationship will be easier, you have to be willing to sacrifice some friendship.

We all want a best friend and we tend to spend so much time with our partners that it becomes easy to fit that role for each other. That said, I think nothing kills the erotic tension that good D/s sex is based on more than a friendship, which is essentially a sexually neutral relationship based more on common outside interests than an intense interest in the other party.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I don't know why people think their SO should morph into their previously unmentionable fantasy sex partner after a relationship and sexual repertoire has established and you're committed. People still seem to have this unattainable ideal that the significant other in their life can satisfy all their romantic, sexual, social, financial, whatever needs. Very few people can really be all things to each other and the odds of finding that if you're not being 100% open and honest from the get go are minimal. There is absolutely no point picking up nice, normal guys if you want them to do deviant things to you and in the digital age, there's no need to.

The OP, like so many before her, has three viable options: -

1. Whine till the other party caves in and gives you a half assed attempt at what you want.

2. Fuck other people, with or without the knowledge/consent of your SO.

3. Leave the relationship and find someone you're more compatible with.

Seriously, if kink is so important to you, why are you repeatedly setting yourself up for disappointment with regular guys?

"Definition of madness: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result." Einstein.

It's not mankind at fault, it's your whole approach to sex and relationships.