Its pronounced ...

[pplwatching]

My daughter asked me last night if AIDS started with hives
(pronounced like the skin condition). I didn't miss a beat and told her, "People get AIDS from sharing infected needles or having sex with an infected person."

She gave me a confused look, and asked "but it starts with hives, right?"

I patiently replied "Hives is like a rash. You don't get AIDS from hives".

"Are you sure?"

At this point my wife, who's intellect surpasses even her beauty, said "Do you mean HIV?"

"Yes, hives".

I hope I do better on the next question. I don't want her thinking I'm a total rube.

What's the funniest sexual misunderstanding / mispronunciation you've had?

 

[unregistered]

 

[VelvetDarkness]

When I worked as a nurse I was changing a catheter on an old guy under the supervision of a Syrian urologist. The catheter is held in the neck of the bladder by a bubble of liquid. You empty the bubble of liquid and then the catheter should slide right out. Well this one didn't.

"You have to give it a little wank." The doctor informed me. It took me a few long moments to figure out what he could mean because he didn't appear to be joking and he wasn't the kind of guy to joke like that.

"She can if she wants to." Says my smirking patient.

"Um... do you mean yank it?" I said, bright red and very uncertain.

"That's what I said!" He snaps impatiently, completely oblivious.

One does not wet their pants laughing at consultant doctors... not until they make it to the privacy of the nurses' office anyway. I nearly died.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Another little gem.

I was babysitting my friend's three kids and the youngest was 3ish. He was a really snotty, dribbly little kid because he had a weak chest and was prone to colds and allergies. He also got eczema around his mouth so pretty much every time he went by me I had to grab a tissue and wipe some slime from his face so his eczema didn't flare up. After a few hours of this he started to object so I handed him the tissue and said 'you do it then.' He wiped his nose and mouth and I put another tissue in the front pocket of his jeans.

"You can keep that one in your pocket and use it later." Says I.

"Fucket." He replies. Trying to say pocket and stumbling over the P.

"No, it's pocket. P. Pocket."

"Fucket."

*facepalm*

Cue his mother's arrival, to be greeted by her toddler pointing at his crotch and saying...

"Fucket mummy. Look, fucket!"

 

[WriterDom]

My recent favorite has less to do with childbirth.

My six year old asked about her pregnant aunt, "Mommy, just how are they going to get the baby out of her?" I answered her as honestly as possible without being too graphic or scary. Still, the look on her face...I wish I'd had a camera ready. Finally, she asked, "Really? You did that?" Yep. Twice!

That's adorable

 

[WriterDom]

When I worked as a nurse I was changing a catheter on an old guy under the supervision of a Syrian urologist. The catheter is held in the neck of the bladder by a bubble of liquid. You empty the bubble of liquid and then the catheter should slide right out. Well this one didn't.

"You have to give it a little wank." The doctor informed me. It took me a few long moments to figure out what he could mean because he didn't appear to be joking and he wasn't the kind of guy to joke like that.

"She can if she wants to." Says my smirking patient.

"Um... do you mean yank it?" I said, bright red and very uncertain.

"That's what I said!" He snaps impatiently, completely oblivious.

One does not wet their pants laughing at consultant doctors... not until they make it to the privacy of the nurses' office anyway. I nearly died.

Too funny.

 

[pplwatching]

My internet connection's toast, or I would have replied sooner. Thanks for your stories. I need to head home, but in the spirit of things ...

My wife and I were going at it pretty good one night, complete with appropriate sound effects. The kids were _supposed_ to be asleep (it was 2am after all). My daughter knocked on our door, "Turn the TV down. It's so loud it's waking me up!" The TV wasn't on (and I don't think we were _that_ loud).

A few days later my daughter was walking around the house moaning, doing a pretty good imitation of my wife. My wife, mortified beyond words, comes and tells me "You need to talk to your daughter."

Not quite the same thing, but funny anyway.

 

[Cathleen]

Thanks for the howls, they were all great!

 

[fire_breeze]

I don't if this little episode belongs here or not, but why not? It always makes me laugh

A while back, I was having coffee with a gentleman who was A) unaware the exact definitions of certain words, or B) tried to impress me with his extensive vocabulary, but in any case, he was the type who often misused words. Anyway, he was answering something just as he was taking a bite of his sandwich and replied with his mouth full. Swallowing quickly, he apologised by saying, "I'm sorry, I know it's rude to masturbate with one's mouth full."

I must have looked a little confused, because he then tried to helpfully clarify what he was trying to tell me, "You know... masturbate? To chew?"

I still have no idea how I managed to keep a straight face when I told him the difference between masturbate and masticate.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I introduced my slightly-less-than-couth Master to guacamole. He asked me if guacamole was a plant. Being the perfect slave I am I kept a poker face but the waitress standing nearby taking someone else's order nearly passed out from not collapsing into giggles.

He has since been introduced to avocado.

I can take him anywhere... just not twice.

 

[Eilan]

A few days later my daughter was walking around the house moaning, doing a pretty good imitation of my wife. My wife, mortified beyond words, comes and tells me "You need to talk to your daughter."

My husband's ex's ex (follow that?) cheated on her, in their house, with a woman who was a little bit more vocal than she was. She got clued into what was happening when the parrot started moaning.

 

[unregistered]

 

[satindesire]

My dad still calls condoms "Condominiums".

 

[irishwoody]

... ...

 

[pplwatching]

Great posts everyone!

"I was stretching. Go to sleep, sweetie."

That's cute.

Unfortunately, those innocent moments have turned into curiosity at our house. When the time changed we had a little incident. After a very nice roll in the hay my wife got up to get a drink of water ... and nearly stepped on our daughter as she left our bedroom. She had quietly made herself a comfy little bed right outside of our door, complete with pillows and blankets. She looked up and said, "Mommy, how come you were moaning?" The best she could come up with was "Daddy was giving me a massage." I was doing my best not to laugh out loud, when my wife turned and gave me that "you'll be lucky to ever have sex again" look.

As I was tucking my daughter in she asked, "Will you give me a massage?" As I was rubbing her shoulders she said, "You must like mommy more. You give her better massages." As nonchalantly as I could, I said "I have been giving her massages for a very long time", followed by a chat about respecting our privacy when our door is closed. Time get out the old baby monitor and put it outside of our door, I guess.

 

[Shadowann2]

When my Fiancé first moved in we were in the bedroom next to my daughters' room. One night we were really frisky and thought the girls were asleep. He handcuffed me to the headboard and proceeded to go down on me. I was trying to be quiet and thought I was succeeding until my 8 year old knocked on the wall and said, very loudly, "Mom why are you breathing hard?" I about died! I told her, through the wall, that he and I were wrestling!

The next day we moved our bedroom to the basement!

 

[pplwatching]

The next day we moved our bedroom to the basement!

Make sure you put a loud, squeaky step in ;-)

 

[Shadowann2]

Make sure you put a loud, squeaky step in ;-)

Lol...we have a whole set of squeeky stairs and a couple of doors they have to go through to get to our bedroom door.

 

[philos]

I love these. Needed a smile and they did great. Sorry but no stories to share come to mind. I'll be back if one does.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

My dad still calls condoms "Condominiums".

That's nothing. When I was a kid, my dad had me believing that 'menstruation' was a town in Italy. Talk about avoiding the issue!

 

[Quoll]

That's nothing. When I was a kid, my dad had me believing that 'menstruation' was a town in Italy. Talk about avoiding the issue!

Yeah, well all my sisters got menstrual cycles, all I ever got was a scooter.

 

[Quoll]

The youngest Q at two and a half is going really well with his talking although he cant pronounce a lot of the "C" and "K" sounds as in cat and kitten but he does know the difference, which unfortunately may lead to some unscrupulous parents taking advantage of him.

Let's say for example his name is Connor, and the conversation goes something like this.
"Connor, who is that in the photo?"
"That's Nonnor."
"Is that you?"
"Yes Nonnor."
"Oh so it's Nonnor."
*Looking at me as if the lobotomy scar still has the stitches in* "No, not Nonnor, Nonnor."
"So it's Connor."
"Yes Nonnor." *Wow those eyes can really roll back can't they.*
"Are you sure it's not Nonnor?"
*A very nice 'Who the fuck is this Nonnor guy' look.*
"NOT NONNOR DAD, NONNOR."
*End of discussion.*

 

[VelvetDarkness]

The youngest Q at two and a half is going really well with his talking although he cant pronounce a lot of the "C" and "K" sounds as in cat and kitten but he does know the difference, which unfortunately may lead to some unscrupulous parents taking advantage of him.

Let's say for example his name is Connor, and the conversation goes something like this.
"Connor, who is that in the photo?"
"That's Nonnor."
"Is that you?"
"Yes Nonnor."
"Oh so it's Nonnor."
*Looking at me as if the lobotomy scar still has the stitches in* "No, not Nonnor, Nonnor."
"So it's Connor."
"Yes Nonnor." *Wow those eyes can really roll back can't they.*
"Are you sure it's not Nonnor?"
*A very nice 'Who the fuck is this Nonnor guy' look.*
"NOT NONNOR DAD, NONNOR."
*End of discussion.*

When my best mate's youngest first learned to read and write his christian name, he got a bit annoying with his insistence on showing everyone on planet Earth his new talent. Having indulged him on a number of occasions that day, I wrote his surname beside his christian name.

"Can you read that too? What does it say."

"It says me."

Can't argue with logic like that.

The 9 yr old is starting to notice that girls aren't always horrid and smelly. I playfully asked him if he had a girlfriend and he blushed and said no. His 7yr old brother pretended to vomit and announced that he was never having a girlfriend. I asked the 5 yr old the same question and he paused thoughtfully for a moment.

"Megan, Heather and Chloe." He replied decisively, cool as you like.

 

[NippleMuncher]

Yeah, well all my sisters got menstrual cycles, all I ever got was a scooter.

LMAO!! You owe me a keyboard, fine sir! LOL

 

[Quoll]

LMAO!! You owe me a keyboard, fine sir! LOL

Mucho grassy arse.

I know you asked me this somewhere so I'll answer it here.
Sleep depraved refers to my posting style after I've just done a 16-18 hour nightshift with about 30 mins sleep, (like today) (if I can stay awake, which is not looking so good right now) it's quite interesting to read them the day after. (I actually tend to ramble on a bit about not much at all with long pauses between words (not that you can really appreciate the long pauses between words from your point of view but I assure you it does happen), I'm also prone (now that would be nice, to be prone I mean) to digression but I can usually fix it with an antacid or something, so anyway yeah that's where it comes from, it just popped into my head one day when I was really tired or "sleep depraved" (I'm over explaining this now aren't I), so that's it.