How do you get someone to chill out and relax?

[kittyroissy]

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[VelvetDarkness]

It's hard when someone feels they're doing a job that's beneath them but that's no reason for your husband to take his frustrations out on you or the furniture. He sounds anxious and stressed and probably feels stuck in a rut but bitching and railing against fate will not help.

He sounds clinically depressed to me because he doesn't feel that he's making a success of his life and he can't see beyond his negative feelings and look for other job opportunities or relax and enjoy himself when he's not working. There are other jobs for those motivated enough to seek them, despite the current economical climate. He's lost perspective and is being overwhelmed by feelings of failure and futility.

I'll also bet that he's not the most popular guy at his place of work. To have a colleague who thinks the job is beneath him is insulting to those who are happy in their work. If he does everything with grudging bitterness and resentment he'll be even less fun as a coworker. Poor attitude like that can also hold people back from potential advancement and then their misplaced feelings of injustice just get even worse.

I know this all sounds negative but I'm trying to stress here that 90% of your husband's problems are all in his head. It sounds to me like this issue is deep seated and something you are simply not equipped to deal with. Does he have family who disapprove of his life choices or some other external influence? I know men are loathe to visit the doctor's office unless they're half dead but this guy really needs professional therapy and probably some serotonin boosting anti-depressants as a temporary measure while therapy runs its course. Prolonged periods of stress, anxiety and depression can inhibit the production of serotonin, our happiness or contentment hormone.

The sad fact is that there is nothing you can say or do that will change the way your husband feels about his life. He needs to start taking steps to become more positive, hopeful and open to opportunity.

Edited to add: I would also stress that if at any time you feel threatened or endangered by his temper, you make it clear that his behaviour is unacceptable and take steps to safeguard yourself if necessary like leaving the house for a while. It's slippery slopes like this that can lead to previously rational, sensible people lashing out at those closest to them. Be understanding of his depression but don't excuse bad behaviour like punching things. If you make a fuss of him when he fails to control his temper, it's a form of negative re-enforcement, like rewarding a child for bad behaviour. He's a grown man and telling him that he should have more self control and respect for you and your home shouldn't get in the way of you being there for him as a spouse.

 

[kittyroissy]

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[VelvetDarkness]

He's been on antidepressants before and will never take them again.

He hasn't got family that stresses him out or nothing, they're farmers and he, well, he's got a much easier job. I guess the problem is that he's got a student loan and we haven't really any money, and he needs to work really. I'm a full-time grad student and am struggling to find a paying job that will fit around my research work, and I'm afraid he's angry with me because he has to pay our rent and bills. I'm hoping it'll be better when I graduate this fall and get a decent paying job.

The thing is, I'm well qualified and I've done jobs that are well beneath me and paid me nothing. It's only a part of what he's doing now that's truly annoying him and I don't understand how it could have blown up so badly so quickly.

I'm sorry to hear that.

If he is supporting you as a dependent, can he not apply for a holiday on the student loan or temporary reduction in repayments? He must have known when you married and moved in together that this was how things were going to be for a while.

If it's just one part of his job that he dislikes, is there another role or responsibility he can take on in order to avoid it? Most employers want happy workers, which requires a willingness to compromise. If it's upsetting him this much, is there really no other option?

If he won't take anti-depressant he should still consider some form of therapy. There are many types of anti-depressants however and the fact that one drug didn't suit him does not mean that none of them will. Perhaps if he sits his GP down and explains what he's going through and how anti-depressants affected him before they can work something out? Cardiac drugs called beta-blockers are sometimes prescribed in a low dose to people who are prone to stress and/or panic attacks. They prevent panic, palpitations, hyperventilation and symptoms of stress like spikes in blood pressure, cold sweats and nausea.

There's usually more than one way to skin a depressive.

 

[Shadowann2]

This problem won't fix its self. And you can't fix either. HE needs to take the steps to fix this. I agree with VD. He sounds depressed. He also sounds like he has given up on life. He need to find a new job. He needs to apply for a forbance on his student loans. He need to be proactive about his, and by extention, your happiness.

As VD said, this is often how men end up becoming abusers. My ex-husband started by punching walls and kicking things. He would always say he was sorry, and use the excuse that he had a bad day. Before I knew it, he was punching me and kicking me, because he had a bad day. It didn't take long after that before he was doing the same to the kids. Abusers don't wear signs; they don't start abusing on the first date; it is a gradual process. Be aware of the signs, and protect yourself!

If you ever want to talk more about this, I would be happy to PM with you. Domestic abuse is NEVER ok, no matter how bad his job, or his stress is!

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Domestic abuse is NEVER ok, no matter how bad his job, or his stress is!

I completely agree with you but as Kittyroissy's husband has not been physically abusive towards her, to focus on that at this stage is to neglect the core issue, which is his stress, work dissatisfaction and depression.

I hope we haven't scared you away KR, I tend to run with my train of thought and it doesn't always come across in the way I'd like.

 

[kittyroissy]

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[VelvetDarkness]

Well I've told him to try to get himself off this awful project and he said he would but hasn't done it yet.

Telling him that he's got a problem and should see someone sounds problematic in itself - I think he thinks his anger is justified, which in a way it is. Life isn't fair. I think I'd like him to not get all angry and aggro so quickly and I'm not sure how to do that, sometimes I get frustrated that I have to be so agreeable or he'll flip out, but he can flip out anytime he wants.

I could probably convince him to take herbs to relax though, which I definitely will try.

x

Try a 5HTP complex. It's a herbal product that facilitates the brain's natural production of serotonin, rather than just replacing it.

 

[kittyroissy]

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[Quoll]

I agree totally with Velvet (I refuse to call her VD ).
It's hard doing the antidepressant thing, but when you get the right ones it's like entering a new world.
I've been there before and I'm doing it again, and not having a good time of it at the moment but it's still better than the anger and hate filled days.
Of all the stages of depression the one he is in now (from my experience) is one of the most potentially damaging, to both of you.

I'll bump my depression thread for you, there is a list of links in the first post that may be of use to you, but I really think he needs to see a doc.

 

[kittyroissy]

thanks quoll.

 

[kittyroissy]

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[Quoll]

I know it sounds like we are all jumping on you about the depression thing and I'm sorry for that, its just that it really does sound like it.
I'd only read this

My husband gets angry all the time, mostly about work, but also about tiny little things, like when he can't find the remote for like five minutes. He gets mad and punches things, and it's getting worse. He's generally sweet and lovely to me but he's scaring me nonetheless, and I do have to be careful to not piss him off.

and straight away thought depression, actually not quite true, first I thought "that was me", then I thought depression.

Rather than confront him, try and talk to him about how he feels, about what's going on in his head, what does he think he should/can do about it. Tell him you can see he is not happy and you are worried about him.
Not all depression symptons are the same and neither are the reasons for getting it, likewise there are lots of different treatments.
No matter what the problem try to be as supportive as you can, which is hard when the anger is aimed at you, hopefully by talking to him he will begin to accept that this is not going away and that he needs some sort of help.

 

[simplegirl]

Problem:

he's scaring me nonetheless, and I do have to be careful to not piss him off.

Question:

What can I do to get him to chill out and be realistic about things? . I'd probably piss him off big time and the main point really is to de-angrify him, and possibly have some really nice days without a flare-up.

Well, that first comment has a major red flag waving all over the place. No matter what's going on in his life, if he's frightening you, then something is very, very wrong. And I can understand a situation pissing him off, but I have to ask myself why YOU have to worry about pissing him off? That sounds like this anger is out of control.

And you can't de-angrify him. Only he can do that.

I'm hoping it sounds more dire than it really is, but I'm not going to sugar-coat it...this has me worried. He needs help, and you can't *make* him get it.

To be on the safe-side, make sure you have a plan in case you need to get out quick.

Best of luck to you both.

 

[SweetErika]

Well, that first comment has a major red flag waving all over the place. No matter what's going on in his life, if he's frightening you, then something is very, very wrong. And I can understand a situation pissing him off, but I have to ask myself why YOU have to worry about pissing him off? That sounds like this anger is out of control.

And you can't de-angrify him. Only he can do that.

I'm hoping it sounds more dire than it really is, but I'm not going to sugar-coat it...this has me worried. He needs help, and you can't *make* him get it.

To be on the safe-side, make sure you have a plan in case you need to get out quick.

Best of luck to you both.

Well said, Simplegirl.

I don't have much to add to the wonderful advice you've already been given, Kitty. I really do hope you take it to heart and watch very, very carefully for red flags here.

Is your husband already exercising and/or doing other things to help him with his stress? If not, is he open to trying such things?

Could you potentially look into what's available locally for people with anger and/or stress problems and their loved ones?

Do you have counseling available to you through school, social services, etc.? I bet a therapist could help you get a better read on the situation, work out how you might communicate with your husband, give you an outlet for your frustrations and safeguard yourself.

I'm also wondering if you have somewhere to go the next time he gets enraged. Can you make plans in advance to stay with a friend or family member while he cools off?

Take exceedingly good care of yourself and make sure he works this out fully, especially before you consider having kids and such.

 

[NippleMuncher]

As the others have said, I think it's primarily a stress related condition, whether it's depression or otherwise. I would highly recommend that you both seek counseling, whether it be from a clergy member, spiritual counselor, or a trained psychiatrist/psychologist. IMHO, the first step in breaking the cycle is talking about what's going on, honestly, if you can do that with him great, but it usually will require a disinterested third party, whether it be a friend or a professional.

Whatever you do, DO NOT let him control you with his anger and aggressive tendencies! Your relationship will only go downhill if you submit to this behavior. That is not to say that you intentionally piss him off or egg him on, only that you do not allow his abnormal behavior to become "normal", leading down the path towards abuse.

You have our sympathies and support, do try to find help. Sometimes drugs are a necessity to help "find the man" again, then it's a matter of finding the triggers and quelling them to get off the drugs.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

My husband gets angry all the time, mostly about work, but also about tiny little things, like when he can't find the remote for like five minutes. He gets mad and punches things, and it's getting worse. He's generally sweet and lovely to me but he's scaring me nonetheless, and I do have to be careful to not piss him off.

Sorry to highlight the same bit of text once again but is your husband aware that he's started to scare you? How do you think he would feel if instead of trying not to piss him off and walking on eggshells you sat him down and made this clear? If he's any kind of man he'd be devastated and it might just be the wake-up call he needs to do something more constructive about his feelings than punching things.

 

[kmb411]

Your husband sounds like me. As a child I was on antidepressents and it sucked. I swore them off. Later in life, I was acting out like your husband, even worse, thankfully I never hit my wife, But I did come close.
I finally got help through medication. It took 4 or so tries to find the right type. I am now on two different types, one AM, one PM.

Talk to him and hint at the hitting things. Call around and try to find a good doctor, one that wil really listen. I, as a guy needed a female doctor. Looking back I can say that she saved my marriage and my life.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Your husband sounds like me. As a child I was on antidepressents and it sucked. I swore them off. Later in life, I was acting out like your husband, even worse, thankfully I never hit my wife, But I did come close.
I finally got help through medication. It took 4 or so tries to find the right type. I am now on two different types, one AM, one PM.

Talk to him and hint at the hitting things. Call around and try to find a good doctor, one that wil really listen. I, as a guy needed a female doctor. Looking back I can say that she saved my marriage and my life.

Wow. That is a really heartfelt post. It's frustrating to be a woman with a man who believes that doctors are for cissys but getting many men near a medical professional often involves extremes like amputating something.

I imagine that you came to a realization yourself at some point. Was there something your wife said or did or could have said/done? It's hard sometimes to try addressing things without making them worse or making the man in question more defensive and reluctant.

If you could give your younger self a piece of advice, what would you say?

 

[fire_breeze]

I agree with the posters, and would like to reiterate what Velvet asked: is he aware that he is frightening you? This is something he should know and that you should tell him in a calm, non-threatening manner and environment. He may be unaware of it. No one should live in fear. Ever.

Good luck.

 

[kittyroissy]

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[SweetErika]

Well, I've told him it's scary and he's sorry about it, but I don't think it's something he's thinking through when he's pissed off, y'know?

Perhaps you need to remind him, then.

That's what I've done the two or so times my husband has been mad enough to scare me. In a calm, clear, assertive voice I said something like, "Your anger is scaring me. I think we both need time to cool off, so I'm going out for a while. I'll give you a call in a couple of hours."

For me, staying when I'm scared and/or my partner is behaving unacceptably is very unhealthy for both of us. Leaving for a time is the best way to quickly diffuse the situation and let him know I won't stand for destructive behavior.

We have agreed several times on telling each other when a break is needed, rather than just walking out. His instinct is to run away when he's angry or hurt; because that's one of the best ways to hurt and anger me in the heat of the moment, I really need a verbal cue if he intends to leave the situation.

Today we had a really lovely day, and I told him again that it's scary and he says okay and that there'll be no more, but he also doesn't think he gets angry really quickly, and he definitely knows people who explode even more easily, so to put things into perspective he's relatively okay and only really hurts furniture.

It sounds like he's definitely denying and rationalizing it, but are you doing the same?

Just because he knows people who appear to have more severe anger problems doesn't mean it's okay for him to fly off the handle quickly and easily or be violent. At all. You (general) can't rationalize bad behavior with worse behavior - there's almost always going to be someone who has a more severe problem, but that doesn't impact the outcomes/consequences of your problem. The idea that he might know guys who go home and beat their wives doesn't make the fact that he goes home, scares the hell out of his wife and destroys belongings any less problematic for the two of you.

He's agreed to exercise as an outlet and he's almost done with the project anyway which is good, but he's flipped out a few times before the project, but I'm sure we'll sort it out slowly.

Problems like anger management are usually longstanding, not situation-specific. While finishing his current project might ease some of his stress and anger, I'm willing to bet new triggers will take its place, perhaps even right away. That is, unless he gets out of denial and really commits to getting to the root of the problem and learning coping skills.

In the meantime, make sure you're not denying or rationalizing it. You can't change him, but you can ensure you're not enabling him or allowing yourself to be victimized. Support his healthy behaviors and efforts, rather than his unacceptable behaviors and problems. If you need to work on yourself in order to recognize there's a potentially very dangerous problem and you don't deserve to be in any type of violent situation, do so.