Asking For Help

[BiBunny]

Does anyone else have this problem?

I know the answer to any question that begins with "Does anyone else...?" is always yes. For the purposes of my particular situation, I'm addressing it from a pyl-type's perspective, but, as always, everyone's input is welcome. This is far from being only a pyl or even a BDSM problem.

I cannot ask for help when I need it. I am way too proud, and I guess I'm afraid people will think less of me that I can't handle everything.

But, on the other hand, I am so easily distracted. I suck at prioritizing. I can't multi-task to save my life. I have an overwhelming amount of stuff to do, but I still manage to lose large chunks of time just fucking around (case in point, making this thread) because I simply don't know where to start. Then, I have no idea where the time's gone, and I still haven't accomplished anything.

My brain stays foggy; I can't focus on anything for any length of time, and I am the queen of the scatter-brained. I can't remember SHIT, and, dear God, I lose things left and right. Any distraction--the phone ringing, the dog wanting to be let out, the laundry finishing drying--turns into something that interrupts my train of thought so severely that it takes forever to get back on track. I can't make decisions about what to do, where to go, what needs taking care of first, etc. Wash, rinse, repeat, every day of my life. I've always been this way, but it appears to be getting worse as I get older instead of better as I'd hoped.

Master, who has the disorder himself, believes I have ADD, the inattentive form, not the hyperactive form. There could be some merit in that, but I also hate to blame what is possibly pure laziness and lack of self-discipline on some sort of disorder, as that seems to be a way of avoiding responsibility. So I'm not going to focus on that right this second.

For those of you who don't know, I'm self-employed. The good part about being an independent contractor is that you can do what you want, when you want. The bad part about being an independent contractor is...well, that you can do what you want, when you want.

I actually enjoy my work. I just get overwhelmed with the sheer amount of CRAP I have to do to make decent money. I feel like I'm stuck in some kind of rut and can't progress forward, so apparently, my brain has just said, "Screw it" at this point.

I didn't start this thread to ramble about my own lack of self-discipline, however. I just wanted to give a wee bit of background, so y'all could understand where the initial question came from.

Anyway, Master and Mistress are always like, "You can come to us about anything," etc., etc. They know I'm struggling, but I've hidden the sheer magnitude of the whole thing because I'm ashamed. I mean, this is kid's stuff. I'm 25 years old. I really shouldn't still be having the problems I'm having.

Part of me knows I should ask for help. Not like, "Please beat me when I screw up," but "Please help me prioritize better" or something. But a larger part of me is afraid they'll think less of me if they realize how screwed up I am at the moment.

I'm sure at least a few of you have had similar experiences with wanting to ask for assistance from the people in your lives, but being embarrassed about telling them you're not Super(wo)man. How did you handle it?

Muchas gracias.

 

[CutieMouse]

What makes you think I ever "handled it"?



Seriously though - it's an exhausting way to walk through life; lonely too. If they know you, they know you... They won't think less of you for admitting you need help with the everyday burdens. In fact, they might think more of you for being brave enough to do so.

 

[wicked woman]

Yup...I hate asking for help. And no I still don't 'handle it'.

I can still remember an argument I had with myself (yes you heard correctly) a number of years ago. I was going through something...can't even remember what it was now...and I wanted to talk to a good friend of mine about it. It went something like this:

Me1: I'd really like to go talk to B about this.
Me2: You don't need to talk to her. Why do you want to talk to her?
Me1: I know I don't need to, but I want to.
Me2: Why? You don't need her to help you with this. You can figure it out yourself.
Me1: I know I can but I'd feel better if I just talked to B about it. What's wrong with that? She's always asking me for help (advice).
Me2: That's different. You know if you ask her, she'll think less of you.
Me1: Why would she do that? I don't think less of her when she asks me for help. I'm happy to be able to.
Me2: Yeah right...you know she will. She's not you.

And on and on I went having an argument with myself. And I never did go talk to her.


It happens all the time. It's got now that some of my relatives/friends know this about me and they offer to help...which let's me graciously accept. Some how that's different.

So sorry, I can't be offering any help here.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

... I still manage to lose large chunks of time just fucking around ...

Distraction or procrastination?

How did you handle it?

Make things less stressful. Most of us get "that" feeling and ramp up to the challenge. All of us start to fall apart as more straws get added to the camel's back. The fastest way to relieve it is a combination of prioritization and actually getting things done. i've seen the most successful that struggle with the issue make lists. The listing process calms them down enough to gain focus, which is all most of us need most of the time. Don't worry about getting all the steps straight when writing up the list initially. Celebrate completion of a list by creating a little confetti. Granted, you've just added one more thing to do, but putting away the vacuum is a concrete signal you're finito.

Muchas gracias.

De nada.

 

[graceanne]

Yes. I'm better than I was. I guess after you spend a month in bed being forced to eat and drink and take baths cause all you want to do is sleep, and needing help just to get to the toilet and all that you get less picky about the small things.

Even so, sometimes I'll be on the floor, and I won't be able to get up and instead of asking K to pull me up I'll crawl into the kitchen and use the table to pull myself up.

 

[CutieMouse]

Distraction or procrastination?

Make things less stressful. Most of us get "that" feeling and ramp up to the challenge. All of us start to fall apart as more straws get added to the camel's back. The fastest way to relieve it is a combination of prioritization and actually getting things done. i've seen the most successful that struggle with the issue make lists. The listing process calms them down enough to gain focus, which is all most of us need most of the time. Don't worry about getting all the steps straight when writing up the list initially. Celebrate completion of a list by creating a little confetti. Granted, you've just added one more thing to do, but putting away the vacuum is a concrete signal you're finito.De nada.

I my lists.

 

[graceanne]

I my lists.

Me, too. Well I love my lists, not yours.

It helps me organize my thoughts.

 

[FurryFury]

I'm generally, very against drugs for such things.

However, after watching my daugther struggle with similar issues while also being both very intelligent and wise, I'm ready to try drugs if it will help her with her time management and organizational issues.

There are new drugs without the highs and lows that I hear are very good. I figure if you try it and it works great! If it doesn't, you stop.

I'm tired of being witness to her struggle. It's painful for us both. This fall she has to start honors program in college and take 15 hours in each of two semesters. I'm worried it will be too much if she doesn't get help now.

 

[graceanne]

I'm generally, very against drugs for such things.

However, after watching my daugther struggle with similar issues while also being both very intelligent and wise, I'm ready to try drugs if it will help her with her time management and organizational issues.

There are new drugs without the highs and lows that I hear are very good. I figure if you try it and it works great! If it doesn't, you stop.

I'm tired of being witness to her struggle. It's painful for us both. This fall she has to start honors program in college and take 15 hours in each of two semesters. I'm worried it will be too much if she doesn't get help now.

Pre-myson I was very much against medication. I've come to the point, with him, that I want to try EVERYTHING ELSE first. But if nothing else works, I am willing to consider medication.

 

[Netzach]

Does anyone else have this problem?

I know the answer to any question that begins with "Does anyone else...?" is always yes. For the purposes of my particular situation, I'm addressing it from a pyl-type's perspective, but, as always, everyone's input is welcome. This is far from being only a pyl or even a BDSM problem.

I cannot ask for help when I need it. I am way too proud, and I guess I'm afraid people will think less of me that I can't handle everything.

But, on the other hand, I am so easily distracted. I suck at prioritizing. I can't multi-task to save my life. I have an overwhelming amount of stuff to do, but I still manage to lose large chunks of time just fucking around (case in point, making this thread) because I simply don't know where to start. Then, I have no idea where the time's gone, and I still haven't accomplished anything.

My brain stays foggy; I can't focus on anything for any length of time, and I am the queen of the scatter-brained. I can't remember SHIT, and, dear God, I lose things left and right. Any distraction--the phone ringing, the dog wanting to be let out, the laundry finishing drying--turns into something that interrupts my train of thought so severely that it takes forever to get back on track. I can't make decisions about what to do, where to go, what needs taking care of first, etc. Wash, rinse, repeat, every day of my life. I've always been this way, but it appears to be getting worse as I get older instead of better as I'd hoped.

Master, who has the disorder himself, believes I have ADD, the inattentive form, not the hyperactive form. There could be some merit in that, but I also hate to blame what is possibly pure laziness and lack of self-discipline on some sort of disorder, as that seems to be a way of avoiding responsibility. So I'm not going to focus on that right this second.

For those of you who don't know, I'm self-employed. The good part about being an independent contractor is that you can do what you want, when you want. The bad part about being an independent contractor is...well, that you can do what you want, when you want.

I actually enjoy my work. I just get overwhelmed with the sheer amount of CRAP I have to do to make decent money. I feel like I'm stuck in some kind of rut and can't progress forward, so apparently, my brain has just said, "Screw it" at this point.

I didn't start this thread to ramble about my own lack of self-discipline, however. I just wanted to give a wee bit of background, so y'all could understand where the initial question came from.

Anyway, Master and Mistress are always like, "You can come to us about anything," etc., etc. They know I'm struggling, but I've hidden the sheer magnitude of the whole thing because I'm ashamed. I mean, this is kid's stuff. I'm 25 years old. I really shouldn't still be having the problems I'm having.

Part of me knows I should ask for help. Not like, "Please beat me when I screw up," but "Please help me prioritize better" or something. But a larger part of me is afraid they'll think less of me if they realize how screwed up I am at the moment.

I'm sure at least a few of you have had similar experiences with wanting to ask for assistance from the people in your lives, but being embarrassed about telling them you're not Super(wo)man. How did you handle it?

Muchas gracias.

I think we share organizational skills. And I hate, hate hate, getting help. I too am self employed. Think there's a reason? I really hate getting help with anything and I actually sweat when I think about hiring anyone ever for anything.

It helps when I can bring myself to say "look, here are the 95 things I kick ass at, not everyone does everything well."

 

[Netzach]

Distraction or procrastination?

Make things less stressful. Most of us get "that" feeling and ramp up to the challenge. All of us start to fall apart as more straws get added to the camel's back. The fastest way to relieve it is a combination of prioritization and actually getting things done. i've seen the most successful that struggle with the issue make lists. The listing process calms them down enough to gain focus, which is all most of us need most of the time. Don't worry about getting all the steps straight when writing up the list initially. Celebrate completion of a list by creating a little confetti. Granted, you've just added one more thing to do, but putting away the vacuum is a concrete signal you're finito.De nada.

I agree. Caveat - I know some people who use lists as procrastination. *dum de dum*

I do better with the "do anything for a minute" approach to actually get off my duff. Lists are done during breaks from the doing, and well, it doesn't work perfectly for me, but it's an improvement.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

I agree. Caveat - I know some people who use lists as procrastination. *dum de dum*

which is why i don't do them ... <<<wicked grin>>> then again i don't consider myself in the same league of success as the one or two i had in mind that do. i keep mine in my head, and if need be, tell someone i plan on doing A-F, please remind me of G-L if i look like i think i'm done.

I do better with the "do anything for a minute" approach

You're scaring me again dear. i'll roll from one task to another when i have a multiple stack (and if suitable) doing just what you've described for each. i might modify the minute to the length of time to accomplish one sub-task of a discrete objective. In addition, i become the most masochistic you'll ever see me, and do the thing i can't stand the most first. The sooner the shittiest is out of the way, the more downhill the rest seem.

 

[Netzach]

which is why i don't do them ... <<<wicked grin>>> then again i don't consider myself in the same league of success as the one or two i had in mind that do. i keep mine in my head, and if need be, tell someone i plan on doing A-F, please remind me of G-L if i look like i think i'm done.You're scaring me again dear. i'll roll from one task to another when i have a multiple stack (and if suitable) doing just what you've described for each. i might modify the minute to the length of time to accomplish one sub-task of a discrete objective. In addition, i become the most masochistic you'll ever see me, and do the thing i can't stand the most first. The sooner the shittiest is out of the way, the more downhill the rest seem.

Totally. I start every day with "whose late order is pissing her off?" and if none, go from there.

I still can be a little too ready fire aim though, but I'm working on it.

That's another thing, Bunny please chart your incremental improvements or you'll drive yourself batshit. You didn't get disorganized overnight and you won't get organized overnight either.

 

[FurryFury]

Pre-myson I was very much against medication. I've come to the point, with him, that I want to try EVERYTHING ELSE first. But if nothing else works, I am willing to consider medication.

I never thought I would consider it but it's been six years of struggle. I think we both might be ready now.

Plus I don't want her to blow her scholarship due to these issues. It's a very good one and she worked hard to get it.

However, atm, she has more immediate health worries.

*sigh*

 

[FurryFury]

I think we share organizational skills. And I hate, hate hate, getting help. I too am self employed. Think there's a reason? I really hate getting help with anything and I actually sweat when I think about hiring anyone ever for anything.

It helps when I can bring myself to say "look, here are the 95 things I kick ass at, not everyone does everything well."[/QUOTE]

Great point!

Some things I do that help me are:

I write things on my purse calendar and then circle them or I won't see them.

I have lists and find them useful. Without them I would forget some very basic stuff like when did I last take X medication if I'm on antibiotics or something. I would also forget some very important stuff.

I have a week one list and a week two list. The reason for that is that my and my husband's work schedules are very different week to week. In fact, at this point I should probably have three different weeks.

Some things stay on the lists, such as, post on my professional blog every other week and on my professional calendar as well as online lists and invoices. Other things change on the lists. My life is really busy and constantly changing. It's exciting but sometimes hard to keep up with.

LOL! When the kids still went to public school I was terrified that I would forget lunches for them. I must have had three post it's around the house including on the front door as I went out to remind me.

Each day I look at my list and prioritize. What can wait? What HAS to be done. Then I get to it. Sure I goof off some but even so mostly everything gets done.

I think a visit to the OB GYN has been on there for several years though. See that's not a priority to my way of thinking and I'm avoiding it.

Now and then I drop a ball. It's rare but sometimes I drop an important ball. I hate myself when that happens. Which helps exactly nothing. Forgiving yourself does help. Trying to do better helps but self hate sucks. I try to remember and live by that.

 

[ShyVixen]

I never express my desire for help - emotional, physical or financial. I'm too proud.

I know where it stems from - my childhood. I've always been the one who 'takes care of everything', so to ask for help of any kind would be a sign of weakness on my part. I don't ask my parental unit/family, I don't ask my friends, I haven't asked any of my previous partners and I won't ask my current PYL.

Maybe it's a stubborness, I prefer to think conditioning. Maybe a bit of both.

I'm sure at least a few of you have had similar experiences with wanting to ask for assistance from the people in your lives, but being embarrassed about telling them you're not Super(wo)man.

People can't imagine I'm not superwoman...people can't be allowed to think I'm anything less than perfect (when I clearly am less than perfect) but asking for help would reinforce that 'weak' image and I don't allow it. An example being there are days when I much sicker physically than I'll let on, but I won't ask for help, I'll push through, smile and say everything's fine, because it's what I've always done.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I my lists.

Me too. I also love my mobile phone because I can stick reminders into it and have it ring an alarm at me so I don't forget things.

As many here know, I have epilepsy. I'm also recovering from some neurosurgery. I have good days and bad. On good days, I function (more or less) like an average human being. On a bad day, I have real trouble managing my time. I'm also self employed and a born procrastinator. I put things off until the last minute and then get pissed off with myself because I don't have the time to do them as well as I'd like.

At the moment I'm prone to migraines but before they come on I can suffer from hours of non-specific vagueness. I walk into a room and forget why I'm there. I put things down and then lose them 5 minutes later. I can't concentrate on anything and I get generally depressed and unmotivated. I have a terrible memory, I'm talking borderline dementia here. Names, dates and numbers hardly ever take root in my brain.

I combat this with lists, my phone as I said before, and my organiser. Everyone who knows me knows that if I don't record something in one of those three ways, it ain't gonna happen. Also, the act of writing things down or tapping them into my phone helps me to remember them. I have a huge problem with numbers and names. I can't even remember Master's mobile number so having an organiser with all the important numbers in my handbag is a great help. I've lost/damaged mobile phones over the years and if something happens to my phone or it runs out of battery power or something, I have the numbers in the organiser as back up.

I generally have a series of lists on the go and I add to them or check things off. Checking things off is something I find very satisfying and it helps me keep positive and motivated, even when the lists start getting scarily long: -

Today
This week
This month
Stuff that must be done at some point before I die of old age

These lists are divided into 2 halves for work stuff and personal stuff. I also have two alarm tones set on my calendar for work stuff and personal stuff.

I don't even attempt grocery shopping without a list and it helps me to budget and avoid doubling up on products or forgetting things that I need.

I also have a pill minder divided into 4 boxes for my 4 drug doses. I have been known to forget meds or take them more than once and if I'm having a bad day, this is even more of a risk. If I put everything into the pill minder, I can't get confused over what I've already had. When I get a month's worth of drugs from the pharmacy I put the date they will run out into my phone and set a reminder for a few days beforehand. I absolutely cannot go without my medication so this is a useful trick for me.

I also love my kitchen timer because I have a terrible habit of throwing things in the oven and then completely forgetting about them. I use the timer for other things as well because it helps me focus and task manage. For example, I do work at the laptop in short bursts of an hour or so because it makes the time I do spend more productive and prevents me getting absorbed and sitting there long enough to give myself a headache.

Sometimes, despite all my tricks for organising my sammy ass, it just doesn't go according to plan. If I get a bad headache, the only effective thing I can really do is nap for an hour or so. Trying to do anything else is futile and just puts me into even more of a bad mood, exacerbating the headache as a result. Sometimes you just have to throw your hands up, say 'that's today fucked then' and accept it. I find that being equanimitous about things and forgiving of myself makes me less stressed and negative about getting things done.

I also utilise Master's rather more reliable memory. One of my personal catchphrases is 'remind me' and it helps me to have my business partner remind me about work stuff and Master nudging me about personal stuff.

 

[FurryFury]

I hate asking for help to. For one thing most people in my life growing up were more trouble than they were helpful when they tried to help.

LOL.

It's true.

I do that stupid superwoman thing too. I like being able to handle my own stuff.

 

[ZRT]

Since you said the PYL perspective was cool, let me say this:

When I take on a pyl, I take on all of a pyl, something I'm fairly adamant about. I take on her good points and her bad points. Which means her problems are just as much owned by me as everything else. And when she needs help, I expect to be informed of this, just like any other issues that might come up beyond her overall reach.

Obviously your relationship with your PYLs is yours, BB, but in my relationships, I'd want to know about this.

As for specific organizational methods, I find that carrying some index cards around helps a lot. Basically, I create a task list, organize it in order, one task per card. Then, if something new comes up, I just stick a fresh card in there in its place. When a job's done, toss a card and move on.

It's easier for me to maintain than a list on a notepad or whatever, and it's great for getting around procrastination because as long as you keep the cards around, those tasks aren't going anywhere.

 

[nh23]

Pre-myson I was very much against medication. I've come to the point, with him, that I want to try EVERYTHING ELSE first. But if nothing else works, I am willing to consider medication.

*nods* We are at this point with my daughter. She was diagnosed with ADHD almost four years ago. I was adamant that she wouldn't be on medication. Or at the very least I wouldn't turn to medication until we tried everything else. I think that a lot of kids are medicated for the convenience of the parents and that pisses me off.

So first we tried the simple things. I started using products from a company that are all chemical free, soap, shampoo, cleaning products..the works. We also put her on a sugar free, organic diet. She slept a bit better, but otherwise no change.

She also has several learning disabilities that are probably related to the ADHD, I'm sure. We did two years of kindergarten with interventions like an extra reading class, and one on one help. This year she is in first grade and we finally got an IEP in place and she is in LD classes. We had her tested and were shocked to find out that she has a genius IQ, but her testing on spelling, reading, and writing are well below average.

When her teacher informed me last month that despite being in LD classes and having a ton of special help, she is still doing very poorly in spelling, reading, and writing. She now has to spend 6 weeks of her summer vacation in summer school. Mostly because of her lack of focus.

I told Master at this point I think it's selfish of me to keep her off meds. I think my being adamant about her not being on meds is hurting her at this point. So we made an appointment with her pediatrician. ( we've done the counseling route and it's not something I'm willing to put her through again.) He went over all of her records and we have an appointment tomorrow to start her on meds. If you're interested I can keep you updated on how it goes.

 

[ultramarineblue]

...but I also hate to blame what is possibly pure laziness and lack of self-discipline on some sort of disorder, as that seems to be a way of avoiding responsibility. They know I'm struggling, but I've hidden the sheer magnitude of the whole thing because I'm ashamed. I mean, this is kid's stuff. I'm 25 years old. I really shouldn't still be having the problems I'm having.

I'm 31 and feel exactly that way. I'm a real winner with other things too. Not only do I have the issues of having trouble getting things done and staying on track, I've managed to avoid experiencing many aspects of life that most people have experienced by my age and usually a lot younger. I'm pretty smart but there are just many things I truly don't get. Revealing some of those things lately has been truly frightening to me. I've had to deal with a lot of "what is wrong with you?" when I already wonder that myself. I definitely didn't need someone asking me that because there really isn't anything wrong with me that is not wrong with someone else.

We all have problems with something. The ones who say they do not are lying. It's just part of being human. Revealing some of your issues and insecurities is a rewarding thing though. Although I've had some shitty things happen that made me want to crawl back into my self-created cave, I'm glad that I haven't. Now tomorrow I may want to crawl back into that cave but I know that moment will pass too.

It really is something that happens a little at a time. Plus keep track of it like Netzach said. I've tracked a few things I've made progress with. I still wouldn't see the progress if I had not. Wait. I still don't really see it myself. I know I've made it but I don't see it yet. I have proof though. Proof is good. It really really helps keep you on track.

 

[Netzach]

I'm really bad at some basic shit that amazes other people I don't know.

However, and I say this not in the way of excuse but kind of an interesting side note:

no one every modeled these things for me or taught me them, however they spent inordinate time criticizing me for them.

I'm not good with money. All I ever learned from my family is that I'm an asshole for not being good with money, no strategies for how to be better.

Eventually I met enough people my mom's age who aren't my mom to realize that if I ask them for help they're not going to mock me endlessly or roll their eyes just because I don't know.

 

[Bandit58]

I remember important things no problem. I have Sir's appointments and medication doses programmed in my phone to remind me and I check the week ahead to make sure I haven't forgotten any. I have dialysis down to a fine art (well I occasionally forget little things but that's usually because Sir's distracting me with gropes ).

But I'm also a very good procrastinator (see sig line ). I hate cleaning and Sir has to put His foot down and tell me that He thinks the floor could do with a vacuum, because I just seem to close my eyes to it I'm also messy and have a habit of putting things down instead of putting them away.

I think it's because I do tend to concentrate more on the things that matter, like dialysis and Sir's health, rather than what I see as the "not that important" stuff. When we have free time, and Sir is feeling up to it, we would rather go out and do stuff rather than stay home and clean.

I also have a self confidence problem. The new computer sat in its boxes for two months before I got up the courage to set it up....it took all of half an hour to get it up and running Sir believes I can do anything I put my mind to, but it's a question on getting that mind going and getting the body to follow that's the problem.

I think I may have to ask Sir to tell me what He wants done and when, so that I know that certain things MUST be done TODAY Lists are a very good idea, we must try that

 

[CutieMouse]

I'm really bad at some basic shit that amazes other people I don't know.

However, and I say this not in the way of excuse but kind of an interesting side note:

no one every modeled these things for me or taught me them, however they spent inordinate time criticizing me for them.

I'm not good with money. All I ever learned from my family is that I'm an asshole for not being good with money, no strategies for how to be better.

Exactly me.

There's a million things I've had to teach myself as an adult, and even more I've either not realized I need to know, or have been too stressed out/afraid of to try.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I'm really bad at some basic shit that amazes other people I don't know.

However, and I say this not in the way of excuse but kind of an interesting side note:

no one every modeled these things for me or taught me them, however they spent inordinate time criticizing me for them.

I'm not good with money. All I ever learned from my family is that I'm an asshole for not being good with money, no strategies for how to be better.

Eventually I met enough people my mom's age who aren't my mom to realize that if I ask them for help they're not going to mock me endlessly or roll their eyes just because I don't know.

That all sounds very familiar.

The other thing that is weird to me is that somehow I've given some people the impression that I really have my life together. One person in particular was really shocked to find out some of the things I struggle with. It's interesting that how you view yourself and how others view you rarely correlate.