feedback on a story ff/incest/mind control

[hypnopup]

Feedback please on mind control story with ff/incest

I'm hoping for feedback on Smoking! by Hypnopup. It is in the Mind Control genre and contains female on female sex/incest (two sisters) who are mind-controlled against their will.

I've recently submitted several stories to Literotica, but this one was the only one of the bunch initially rejected (because of some dialogue punctuation errors that I later corrected) and because I intentionally alter the capitalization in some parts of the dialogue (At specific points, when the girls are under the influence of a drug that wipes away their will, I have them speaking in a monotone. In order to further impress that upon the reader, I have the girls speaking without capitalization. As they fight or feel emotion, the capitals return to their sentences). Perhaps that is the reason that this story hasn't fared well with readers. I don't know.

What I do know is that the story started (i.e. initially appeared) with a rating of 2.75 (which is the lowest I've ever seen on any story) and is definitely the lowest of any of my stories.

Can you guys give me a little feedback on this one? Is there a reason that this story has been doing badly compared to my other ones? Why would it be posted with initially having a low rating? Did it being rejected initially have something to do with it?

Here's the link again.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=415046

 

[Darkniciad]

I think that the biggest part of the problem is that the story is obviously a "part 1" without being identified as such at the get-go from the title. You're really just reaching the good part when it ends with heavy foreshadowing.

The tension of the hypnotism doesn't have enough payoff in heat within this part. I think that if you'd expanded the sex scene out and added a lot more detail, it might have helped a great deal.

I don't really feel enough tension/anxiety from Ben. Some weird mutha has just forced his way into the house to drug his girlfriend and her sister. He's just a little too calm in my opinion. Building up the pressure for him would make the ending to transfer into the next chapter more powerful, too.

 

[hypnopup]

I think that the biggest part of the problem is that the story is obviously a "part 1" without being identified as such at the get-go from the title. You're really just reaching the good part when it ends with heavy foreshadowing.

The tension of the hypnotism doesn't have enough payoff in heat within this part. I think that if you'd expanded the sex scene out and added a lot more detail, it might have helped a great deal.

I don't really feel enough tension/anxiety from Ben. Some weird mutha has just forced his way into the house to drug his girlfriend and her sister. He's just a little too calm in my opinion. Building up the pressure for him would make the ending to transfer into the next chapter more powerful, too.

Thanks! That's exactly the kind of feedback I was looking for!

 

[ericahope]

Thanks! That's exactly the kind of feedback I was looking for!

Here are my thoughts... I don't have a problem with the lower case letters, once the reason for them are explained. It didn't bother me. I guess it all seems a little unbelievable. I suppose a strange man could get some hypnotic spray and get two sisters to have sex while one's boyfriend looks on passively, but it's hard to believe. And the sex scene was over before it started. You might want to expand it a little. Give a little description of the sisters and what they were doing. But of course, once it's lengthened you have to explain what the heck Ben was doing this whole time. Was he watching? Was he planning his attack on the intruder? Again, I hope my husband wouldn't stand around watching while I was drugged and made to have sex with someone....

Anyway...those are my thoughts.

 

[ellabee]

Hey there,

I know you're in the queue over at the SDC, so I'll comment on a few things I've noticed and then respond in a couple of weeks to your detailed questions when they're posted. Capiche?

In the first few paragraphs, I knew what was going to happen before anything had yet happened. When Ben is smoking and staring at the two girls, I knew it was going to be a Sister on Sister Lesbian Lust Fest with some Ben Involved. It wasn't because I read the description here...perhaps you can improve this story with more buildup in the beginning, a little more subtle introduction to the Hot Hot Sex That Will Inevitably Follow.

I also felt the dialogue was stilted, at times. It's unrealistic in a good way, this being a fantastical situation, but the tone was...off. It seemed clinical.

Like this:
"Sarah," the man continued, "do you have any bisexual tendencies?"

I can't ever picture anybody saying that. If this is a guy that a) stalked a woman all day, b) planned to rape her with mind control hairspray, and c) broke into her apartment to coerce her to fuck him and her sister...he wouldn't be saying things so matter-of-factly.

One way I try to get around awkward dialogue is eat out more often. Sounds stupid, I know, but going to a crowded restaurant, planting yourself at a bar, and listening to the people around you helps you accustom yourself to tone and meter and all the fun stuff human dialogue has. Listen to rhythms...I think it'll really help.

Also, I think the intruder says the characters' names too often (people rarely address each other by name).


One teeny note: merely because one experiments with another of the same sex does not automatically make that person a "bisexual." Sexuality is a complicated thing which does not happen from a brief "aha!" moment after coerced into hooking up with one's sister.

I think the story has potential, and I'd like to see it expanded quite a bit. Good luck doing so!

 

[hypnopup]

Elllabee,
thanks for the feedback.
I actually dropped out of the que because I felt like i had enough decent feedback to understand some of the basic flaws to work on..

The mystery man's dialogue was actually supposed to be somewhat stilted. I was trying to give him a strange/alien-like feel. How would you change if you were given a chemical that could alter anyone's personality as you saw fit? Basically, he has become a total sociopath, devoid of humanity and no longer able to really relate or converse with everyday people. Granted, I didn't delve into his history in this chapter... but looking at your comments, it's obvious I should have. I left small comments, like him stating a phrase "sounding almost by rote"... but that was no where near enough to go on to get a feeling for what I wanted to portray.

The part of the bisexuality goes back to the power of the spray. The man's words define the girls' meaning and existence. If he said that they were ducks, they would be striving as hard as possible to be the best ducks they could be.

Darkniciad & ericahope,
Thanks again for your feedback. Ben definitely should have played a bigger role and had his thoughts and feelings better described. I guess I was thinking that Ben was watching a rather passive scene play out in front of him... yet one that seemed totally foreign to his understanding of reality. So, I kinda had him watching as he tried to figure out what was happening. Was it real? Was it fake? What was going on? By the time he decided to act, he had carefully make his way inside without alerting the people in the room. It was during this time period that the sex started.
Granted, I should have explained all this better in the story than out here. Definitely a lot for me to consider.

Thanks again!