D/S: I do, he don't

[honeybites]

Hi all, nice to meet you too

So I am very into the whole D/S bit (on the S side). The stories I read here turn me on, the ones I write do too (currently pending) and what I've done in reality so far I can't get enough of. The problem with all of that is my boyfriend isn't nearly as enthusiastic about it. I've asked him before about fantasies he might have and he just seems sort of frigid about it. He's done things at bedtime that I've asked him to do (name calling, sometimes handcuffs, sometimes spanking) but he just doesn't seem to have as much imagination with it beyond what I talk about.

Have any of you ever "opened up" a potential dom to the pleasures of BDSM? Most of the experience I seem to find/read about is the other way around.

 

[A_Kefka]

If he isn't getting into it then if might not be for him. He does seem to be trying, which could mean he will get more into it as time goes, or could just mean that he cares enough to do it for you (which is good) even though it doesn't do much for him.

 

[honeybites]

Thanks for the reply An advice on what would make it appeal more?

 

[Homburg]

On this page, if you scroll down, you'll find a thread entitled making my boyfriend a dom. If you go back a page on this forum, you'll find another. Back another page, and you'll find a third, and so on.

This topic comes up all the time. The advice is almost always the same.

1) Give him a chance. It might take time. Most D-types need to work it for a while to get comfortable with it, no matter how "natural" you may think they will be.
2) Don't give too much time, as each day you spend in an unsatisfying relationship is a day you won't get back.
3) Use safewords, as they will make him feel more at ease. And try a checklist for the same reasons.
4) Use the search feature on these boards, and the library. You will find a lot of info here if you look, especially as there has been a legion of people before you that asked the self-same question.

Good luck.

 

[Netzach]

Thanks for the reply An advice on what would make it appeal more?

Whatever would make conventional D/s less sex appeal more to you would probably work on someone who really doesn't care for powerplay.

 

[honeybites]

Whatever would make conventional D/s less sex appeal more to you would probably work on someone who really doesn't care for powerplay.

Such as...

 

[CutieMouse]

Whatever would make conventional D/s less sex appeal more to you would probably work on someone who really doesn't care for powerplay.

Such as...

I believe the point being made was that you can't make D/s appeal to a him anymore easily than he can make D/s not appeal to you.

 

[WCHSP]

Is there anything he particularly likes it when you do? Some guys are really into blowjobs, for instance... or he might have an article of clothing he loves to see you in, or that sort of thing. If so, you can try to incorporate that into the D/s play... like if he loves to have his balls sucked you could get him to order you to do it and punish you if you do it wrong/not enough/whatever.

In general, the best way to get someone who likes you into something is to be really obvious about how much you enjoy it. I'm talking non-verbally here... facial expression, body language, that sort of stuff. There's very little sexier than watching a girl squirm under my ministrations... whether because I'm rubbing her clit or because I'm torturing her doesn't matter, the fact that it's driving her crazy is a huge turn-on and makes me want to do it lots more. So: play it up. I don't mean fake it... he'd probably notice and it'd get weird. Just, indulge yourself, really let loose with any body movement or vocalization that comes naturally to you... let him see/hear/feel how much you're enjoying it. The more you get into it, the more he'll get into it. And if he notices how much more you get into it when he does D type things, he'll probably want to do those things more often, just to see you react like that again.

 

[satindesire]

I actually came here looking for the same thing you did, about four years ago.

In the end, loving patience and the insatiable thirst for knowledge won out in my situation, but of course, this may or may not happen to you. As we say here on the board, YMMV (your mileage may vary)!

I noticed that in Mister, his reluctance was down to "Why is pain pleasurable to you, I don't get it?" and "I can't believe you actually enjoy doing 'that' (name some activity)." Explain, explain, explain everything. Truthful, open communication and patience is the most important thing you can give him. If you can teach him your point of view about why you need D/s in your relationship, then he may end up trying.

 

[helistin]

Take this as advice from noob to noob ... i was more or less in the same place around six months ago.

We started off our relationship with him knowing that i'm into D/s, and it seemed to be something he was interested in as well. What has caused the most problems during the relationship has been me trying much too hard to make him like it more faster.

So my advice would be to give it time, if you really think the relationship is worth it. For me that has meant coming to terms with possibly never getting exactly the kind of D/s dynamic that would make me happiest, in exchange for sharing my life with someone who means the world to me.

The thing is, the second i let go of wanting everything so badly it hurt, the more we've experimented and the more he seems to feel he's in control.

 

[honeybites]

Thank you all for the wonderful advice. This gives me a great place to start.