Does this suck?

[XXplorher]

As far as recent poetry goes, I kinda get the urge to throw something in - 5 minutes or less - and then dare myself to post it.

I want that cuz I'm normally way too conscious of things I want to say. And I rarely bother writing anything anymore, so whenever it hits... I sort of post it. Again, I dare myself to do it. It doesn't matter if it sucks - I just need to post it regardless. 'I said that and maybe it fucking matters, or it doesn't. Stop wrrying about whether it matters or not. Just put it out there. Stop thinking about yourself. Get naked. You pussy.'

This particular poem is on the edge of absolute crap and simple satisfaction. I can't decide what I think of it.

Does it turn? Does it turn on you in the end? Or am I still just jacking off? Did it move? I need it to move or it's crap. And I wanna know if you think it's crap.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=402197

 

[Safe_Bet]

As far as recent poetry goes, I kinda get the urge to throw something in - 5 minutes or less - and then dare myself to post it.

I want that cuz I'm normally way too conscious of things I want to say. And I rarely bother writing anything anymore, so whenever it hits... I sort of post it. Again, I dare myself to do it. It doesn't matter if it sucks - I just need to post it regardless. 'I said that and maybe it fucking matters, or it doesn't. Stop wrrying about whether it matters or not. Just put it out there. Stop thinking about yourself. Get naked. You pussy.'

This particular poem is on the edge of absolute crap and simple satisfaction. I can't decide what I think of it.

Does it turn? Does it turn on you in the end? Or am I still just jacking off? Did it move? I need it to move or it's crap. And I wanna know if you think it's crap.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=402197

Geez, I'm kinda in "don't know" land on this one. It almost seems like it would have been three pretty fair poems that got mushed together, ya know?

Like this would have been a poem I'd like:

They call it soft
I call it tender

Tenderness...
not a skilled maneuver
not a lesson that we teach

It's a quiet compliment
It's a well considered touch
It's a fluid interaction
it's the knowledge of too much

From here on it was like reading a different piece.

Does any of that make sense?

P.S. I'd also try to murder half or more of the "not"s and "It's"

 

[XXplorher]

Geez, I'm kinda in "don't know" land on this one. It almost seems like it would have been three pretty fair poems that got mushed together, ya know?

Like this would have been a poem I'd like:

They call it soft
I call it tender

Tenderness...
not a skilled maneuver
not a lesson that we teach

It's a quiet compliment
It's a well considered touch
It's a fluid interaction
it's the knowledge of too much

From here on it was like reading a different piece.

Does any of that make sense?

P.S. I'd also try to murder half or more of the "not"s and "It's"

Yeah - that was the point. Like I said, I want it to move out of what you're expecting. That's also why I continued to hammer in the same starting word. It's intentional. (I do stubborn shit like that, because... it's part of what I'm usually trying to say. I'm not ignorant to what I'm doing. Most of it is accidentally intentional.)

Knowing what I just affirmed is intentional - is it any fucking good?


I should add:

I once fell in love with a girl who loved to do collages. All of her finished attempts truly said something. I got to watch her do it once from scratch, watch her pick and choose from magazines. She was energy and certainty. And I asked her, "Do you know why you're choosing all that stuff? Where are you going?"

She didn't. She just took it. And then she'd start pasting. Crazy shit, not just obvious edges. It was all done very chaotically. But once she'd finished her last paste - she THEN knew why she did it and could fully qualify everything her subconscious mind was thinking.

That to me is like........ I'm so fucking jealous of that.

I need to be able to do that. But I can't. I don't know how. I can't let go of control like that.

Instead I try to challenge that fear in me. I try to, I guess, instruct it in an intentional way that goes away from what it's 'supposed' to be. And when I do that, I like what I see. I like an accidental result like that. It's more pure.

That poem came from the word tenderness. But that isn't what it's about. It's about bravery. I want that to be more important. Or, once I was done writing it I realized what I thought was important about tenderness.

And it's about her. Of course.

All the more reason for me to be stobborn about the not's and its. I need to example fault like that. MY fault like that.


I just fucking explained my art. Which makes it crap. Never explain your own art... jackass.

My bad.

 

[CharleyH]

As far as recent poetry goes, I kinda get the urge to throw something in - 5 minutes or less - and then dare myself to post it.

I want that cuz I'm normally way too conscious of things I want to say. And I rarely bother writing anything anymore, so whenever it hits... I sort of post it. Again, I dare myself to do it. It doesn't matter if it sucks - I just need to post it regardless. 'I said that and maybe it fucking matters, or it doesn't. Stop wrrying about whether it matters or not. Just put it out there. Stop thinking about yourself. Get naked. You pussy.'

This particular poem is on the edge of absolute crap and simple satisfaction. I can't decide what I think of it.

Does it turn? Does it turn on you in the end? Or am I still just jacking off? Did it move? I need it to move or it's crap. And I wanna know if you think it's crap.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=402197

Okay, I am just going to be honest and let me start by saying sorry for that:

First, I think there should be a poetry SOS thread, but that's just me.

Second, about your poem. It's not bad. Some things that distract me? All the It's in the third stanza and the seven lines in a row starting with the word 'Tender' in the 4th and 5th. This is mechanics and I am not to be believed in these instances.

However, I am great at semiotics. and a lot of your metaphors are cliche' or meaningless. Example:
"the shine on a glass of chardonnay" - Cliche
"the hue on the dew of an empty grass field" What does this mean? I get the hue and the dew, but wouldn't an empty grass field be a desert? Even if it was not, what hue is reflected off of nothing?

Your poem, in my mind, doesn't make up its mind and that is the inherent problem. In the end you write "she is nothing less than bravery" but you never once express to me the importance of her tenderness in respect to her heroism.

 

[WickedEve]

As far as recent poetry goes, I kinda get the urge to throw something in - 5 minutes or less - and then dare myself to post it.

I want that cuz I'm normally way too conscious of things I want to say. And I rarely bother writing anything anymore, so whenever it hits... I sort of post it. Again, I dare myself to do it. It doesn't matter if it sucks - I just need to post it regardless. 'I said that and maybe it fucking matters, or it doesn't. Stop wrrying about whether it matters or not. Just put it out there. Stop thinking about yourself. Get naked. You pussy.'

This particular poem is on the edge of absolute crap and simple satisfaction. I can't decide what I think of it.

Does it turn? Does it turn on you in the end? Or am I still just jacking off? Did it move? I need it to move or it's crap. And I wanna know if you think it's crap.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=402197

I was with your poem up to "the sound that a snowball makes when it indents the earth" then I wanted your poem to shut the fuck up. Seriously, as a poet you need to know when to just STOP.

 

[Tzara]

As far as recent poetry goes, I kinda get the urge to throw something in - 5 minutes or less - and then dare myself to post it.

For me, I think the problem starts right here. Whatever your poem looks like, how am I supposed to think it's any good when you've "thrown something [together] in 5 minutes or less"?

I mean, and I'm not trying to be snotty about this, that might work for pickup lines in bars where off-the-cuff inspiration probably works, but with poetry I get immediately turned off by statements like this.

It doesn't exactly put me in the most receptive of moods reading your work.

I want that cuz I'm normally way too conscious of things I want to say. And I rarely bother writing anything anymore, so whenever it hits... I sort of post it. Again, I dare myself to do it. It doesn't matter if it sucks - I just need to post it regardless. 'I said that and maybe it fucking matters, or it doesn't. Stop wrrying about whether it matters or not. Just put it out there. Stop thinking about yourself. Get naked. You pussy.'

Again, I get some of the same kind of reaction here. I have no problem whatsoever with you just posting stuff; I do that all the time. But it makes it, I don't know, "tossed off stuff." Trifle. Flip. Unserious.

In other words, nothing worthy of comment. It either works or don't and you (or me, writing my own toss off stuff) don't care.

So why ask for comment?

This particular poem is on the edge of absolute crap and simple satisfaction. I can't decide what I think of it.

Does it turn? Does it turn on you in the end? Or am I still just jacking off? Did it move? I need it to move or it's crap. And I wanna know if you think it's crap.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=402197

I've read it several times. Not the worst thing I've read here, by far. Not sure, though, quite what the hell you're trying to say.

As Eve pointed out, though, that snowball line sucks wind. Or perhaps breaks wind.

One or the other.

 

[Senna Jawa]

This particular poem is on the edge of absolute crap [...]

What edge?

I wanna know if you think it's crap.

I do.

 

[Safe_Bet]

What edge?

I do.

Senna, you are such a fucking asshole. Either give a "real" opinion/critique with some fucking substance or shut the fuck up. You can give some very valuable feedback if you choose to, but your snarky one liners are not just insulting to the OP, but to many others of us who could learn something from it. Stop being such a asshat.

 

[EriAliSaa]

I have to somewhat agree here with Eve. Not exactly with tenor or tone, but with the sentiment. I did kind of wander right about the same point... actually at the hue on the dew of an empty grass field. It was like you were giving more than we needed... too much maybe?

 

[AChild]

haha

Nah it blows.

 

[AChild]

Just kidding. What ever happened to shades of gray why does it have to be either great or crap. I think its good. Not great little bit too soft if you know what I mean. Too tender to coin a phrase. Gimmie some rough edge then toss me into the pillows. Give me the contrast of what the world is without the love then take me into the love. You know seduction. Don't start with your clothes off saying here I am. Sweep me off my feet baby. How about you make a new introduction to the poem called "render".


Render flesh from off my bone
the world is rough
till I get home.

or something like that. An lighten up.

 

[XXplorher]

Okay, I am just going to be honest and let me start by saying sorry for that:

Your poem, in my mind, doesn't make up its mind and that is the inherent problem.

Actually, that might how it's trying to be effective?

I’m using a poor example of a poem (and after asking for consideration, some things have happened that are screaming for me to properly consider a fuckin’ poem and TRULY attempt to deliver. I need to do that. I’m feeling the pressure to actually say something. And I think I’ve said enough nothing to find the in-between of – existential and overtly considered thought.

Who and what is a poet? Who can claim good poetry?

Like the girlfriend I mention, I’m of the mind that a good poet could give 2 shits about what you think. She just DOES it! She does it cuz she had to. Not for you. And not for anyone else.

She needs to do it.

Lots of those people get shamed away from what they might create. They’re afraid of you (and I only use You cuz you so willfully pounced upon what I had already made clear a weak and unclear measure of my ability as a poet. You’re the person who says to “stop!” And I will never approve of that person. THAT is the person – who needs to be stopped (if ya ask me). I want to crush you. Erase you.)

So I’m gonna try real hard to put something together in the next few weeks. I’m gonna need to substantiate myself. But it won’t be for you. It’ll be for her.

I told her to go away. Wasn’t good enough for me. Wasn’t SURE enough – so she had to go.

And I’ve been thinking about her ever since. And my propensity to decide ahead of time exactly what I’m thinking. That maybe I should be more like her, see it as it comes. And that has most definitely had an effect on my ‘art’ (at the time I was a fucking rock n roll maniac who hardly thought beyond himself). I understand that I need to dumb it all down a bit… simplify it. So it can be heard. But where does it get measured? Where is the measuring point between affecting – and practiced?

How bad do I need to be heard? What is my motive?

The answer is: only the observer.


>>>In the end you write "she is nothing less than bravery" but you never once express to me the importance of her tenderness in respect to her heroism.

You totally fucking missed it. I absoLUTELY fucking described it. (You can’t be serious).

 

[XXplorher]

>>>I mean, and I'm not trying to be snotty about this, that might work for pickup lines in bars where off-the-cuff inspiration probably works, but with poetry I get immediately turned off by statements like this.

Haha – awesome. Yeah, I hear ya.

This just in: I’m not trying to pick you up in a bar with my poem. Does that count?

I mean, at what point does every observer make it about them? How precisely do we invent a critic to annoint what’s good or bad. This chick just said she was insulted cuz I was bound to use that line on her in a bar. I mean, are you shitting me? Didn’t I already break that rule by qualifying why I wrote the poem in the first place?

And maybe that's why I tried to keep it simple?

If YOU are a rule? I'd hate to be your pussy.


>>>It doesn't exactly put me in the most receptive of moods reading your work.

I… don’t… care. If I have to offer you a drink to get a thumbs up? You’re just another chest with tits. I could care less. If I called you a cunt – would that affect what you think of my poetry? You – are a cunt..

Please continue.


Fuckin qualify what's wrong with my crappy poetry. Don't tag it like I'm a guy in a bar. Fuck you, bitch.

 

[XXplorher]

Render flesh from off my bone
the world is rough
till I get home.

or something like that. An lighten up.

Not a chance, sir.

 

[Epmd607]

"Does it turn? Does it turn on you in the end? Or am I still just jacking off? Did it move? I need it to move or it's crap. And I wanna know if you think it's crap."

You asked for their critique in plain terms "Does this suck?" Do you suffer from multi-personality disorder or Manic Depression or any of the varied social disorders? Or are you just an internet tool?

You give too much information about yourself and your situation. If you actually believed in the subjectivity of art you wouldn't have wanted us to like you so much. I don't like you because of your responses to people's criticism of your work, which was overall on point.

xxplorher, I read your original poem and thought it was mediocre at best, but I thought you were just some guy looking for criticism and I didn't want to tell you it was rubbish. I actually went ahead and read all of your submissions, why say "sorrow" in every one of them? Get a thesaurus, drop the song lyrics unless you're gonna sing 'em ala poetry-with-audio.

Kurt Cobain would laugh at your songs, apparently you've never read any of his lyrics.

"So I ask my brain
Am I insane?

"Or is everyone else the same?"

absolute rubbish.

 

[Epmd607]

in addition

You give conflicting accounts of your relationship...are you currently stalking her, or just imagining that you're together? I hope that when I'm as old as you I don't waste my time playing games on internet message boards.

 

[XXplorher]

I’m a tool.

Perpetually disappointed in how people choose to measure good against bad.

In my estimation, a ‘critic’ is supposed to remove their personal interests/preference from any qualified critique. It doesn’t matter how I lead into it. You look at the piece and you say what you think. If you think it sucks, you say why. And that Why should have nothing to do with any personal preference. If it DOES? Then you’re only sporting a hard on for yourself, and that’s not only insulting to many new artists trying to find belief in themselves – but it’s blatantly ignorant from a commentary perspective. You’re offering no benefit to future artists with comments like that.

Who gives a fuck what you prefer? It wasn’t put there to be what you want. It’s just THERE. What do you think of it? Why? Keeping in mind yourself has nothing to do with it. It’s only okay to take a subjective position if you choose to be a consumer. When you choose to offer a ‘value’ to it? You better fucking be far more objective than you lot here tend to be.

I’m actually stubborn/ignorant enough to think the best line in the entire thing is ‘the sound a snowball makes when it indents the earth’. No other line properly qualifies what I’m trying to say in the poem better than that. Think about it enough and maybe you’ll accept the terms I’m trying to put the reader into.

OR - I failed the intention of the poem. But what bothers me is… I have no way of knowing if I failed. Because it never had a chance of reaching people who’d rather spit on it. I mean, how the fuck is ‘tenderness’ going to reach a lot that would prefer to crush it?

If I were a BETTER poet? I might be able to reach you.

But I’m not. That much is clear.

Whether you ‘like’ me or not? Has absofuckingnothing to do with it. That’s not why it’s there. DUH!


Who the fuck wants to dare to be tender in the face of all these jackals?


PS Kurt Cobain blew his head off. I aspire to that? (Not quite understanding why I suck enough for you to read OTHER rubbish I've written. Why would you do that? Does your hatred propel you? That's why he blew his head off... moron.)

 

[bflagsst]

>>>I mean, and I'm not trying to be snotty about this, that might work for pickup lines in bars where off-the-cuff inspiration probably works, but with poetry I get immediately turned off by statements like this.

Haha – awesome. Yeah, I hear ya.

This just in: I’m not trying to pick you up in a bar with my poem. Does that count?

I mean, at what point does every observer make it about them? How precisely do we invent a critic to annoint what’s good or bad. This chick just said she was insulted cuz I was bound to use that line on her in a bar. I mean, are you shitting me? Didn’t I already break that rule by qualifying why I wrote the poem in the first place?

And maybe that's why I tried to keep it simple?

If YOU are a rule? I'd hate to be your pussy.


>>>It doesn't exactly put me in the most receptive of moods reading your work.

I… don’t… care. If I have to offer you a drink to get a thumbs up? You’re just another chest with tits. I could care less. If I called you a cunt – would that affect what you think of my poetry? You – are a cunt..

Please continue.


Fuckin qualify what's wrong with my crappy poetry. Don't tag it like I'm a guy in a bar. Fuck you, bitch.

this was your response to someone taking the time to critique you.

 

[Epmd607]

>>>I mean, and I'm not trying to be snotty about this, that might work for pickup lines in bars where off-the-cuff inspiration probably works, but with poetry I get immediately turned off by statements like this.

Haha – awesome. Yeah, I hear ya.

This just in: I’m not trying to pick you up in a bar with my poem. Does that count?

I mean, at what point does every observer make it about them? How precisely do we invent a critic to annoint what’s good or bad. This chick just said she was insulted cuz I was bound to use that line on her in a bar. I mean, are you shitting me? Didn’t I already break that rule by qualifying why I wrote the poem in the first place?

And maybe that's why I tried to keep it simple?

If YOU are a rule? I'd hate to be your pussy.


>>>It doesn't exactly put me in the most receptive of moods reading your work.

I… don’t… care. If I have to offer you a drink to get a thumbs up? You’re just another chest with tits. I could care less. If I called you a cunt – would that affect what you think of my poetry? You – are a cunt..

Please continue.


Fuckin qualify what's wrong with my crappy poetry. Don't tag it like I'm a guy in a bar. Fuck you, bitch.

You cannot defend your misogynist remarks. Your reaction was unwarranted and so are your expectations. Why would I give objective criticism to someone who writes poems about the tenderness of a woman while calling another one a "cunt" and referring to "just another chest with tits"? I'm sure your tender muse would appreciate your generalization(oh wait, what we say on the internet doesn't count for who we are as people...)

I read your poem when you first posted. Then when you posted insults I read the rest of your work to make sure you were the rubbish poet I thought you were. Just to give you a timeline. Now I'm laughing at your philosophy of critical aesthetic. Objective Valuation vs. Subjective Consumption? Aren't you senseless offering up your scentless poetry then expecting some flowered critique? I don't hate you or your poetry, I just think you're some internet tool who needs to understand criticism and basic human decency.

 

[Senna Jawa]

I’m a tool.

It's spelled "stool"--it starts with an ass, I mean "s", right there in the first place.

 

[Angeline]

I’m a tool.

Perpetually disappointed in how people choose to measure good against bad.

In my estimation, a ‘critic’ is supposed to remove their personal interests/preference from any qualified critique. It doesn’t matter how I lead into it. You look at the piece and you say what you think. If you think it sucks, you say why. And that Why should have nothing to do with any personal preference. If it DOES? Then you’re only sporting a hard on for yourself, and that’s not only insulting to many new artists trying to find belief in themselves – but it’s blatantly ignorant from a commentary perspective. You’re offering no benefit to future artists with comments like that.

Who gives a fuck what you prefer? It wasn’t put there to be what you want. It’s just THERE. What do you think of it? Why? Keeping in mind yourself has nothing to do with it. It’s only okay to take a subjective position if you choose to be a consumer. When you choose to offer a ‘value’ to it? You better fucking be far more objective than you lot here tend to be.

I’m actually stubborn/ignorant enough to think the best line in the entire thing is ‘the sound a snowball makes when it indents the earth’. No other line properly qualifies what I’m trying to say in the poem better than that. Think about it enough and maybe you’ll accept the terms I’m trying to put the reader into.

OR - I failed the intention of the poem. But what bothers me is… I have no way of knowing if I failed. Because it never had a chance of reaching people who’d rather spit on it. I mean, how the fuck is ‘tenderness’ going to reach a lot that would prefer to crush it?

If I were a BETTER poet? I might be able to reach you.

But I’m not. That much is clear.

Whether you ‘like’ me or not? Has absofuckingnothing to do with it. That’s not why it’s there. DUH!


Who the fuck wants to dare to be tender in the face of all these jackals?


PS Kurt Cobain blew his head off. I aspire to that? (Not quite understanding why I suck enough for you to read OTHER rubbish I've written. Why would you do that? Does your hatred propel you? That's why he blew his head off... moron.)

If you come here and ask for feedback and you get it and then argue with the nature of the feedback it shows a) you're being unnecessarily defensive, and if you can't take hearing less than "it's great poetry," then don't ask for feedback, and b) you're young and not so secure about your writing ability. Nobody here cares if your poem sucks. We've all written poems that suck. If you stop arguing long enough to hear what other poets are telling you, maybe you'll learn something and the next poem you write will suck a little less.

You asked if the poem sucked. Yes, it does. Here's why: you have nothing really concrete in there. You have a bunch of generalizations that do nothing to establish mood, tone or image. You have a bunch of words, some of which may sound "poetic" to you that really have nothing to communicate. You may have something to communicate but the words in your poem aren't making it happen. You probably need to establish in your own mind first exactly what it is you're trying to say and then think about what specifically communicates that via image, metaphor and all the tools poets use. And if you don't know what I mean by that, you need to read more poetry and think about why the stuff you like is good.

Just my opinion, of course but you asked and I answered.

 

[Senna Jawa]

you have nothing really concrete in there.

Yes, this is it.

You may have something to communicate but the words in your poem aren't making it happen.

A word here and a word there is not a problem to consider here, this text is not at that stage. As you said earlier, and that's the whole story at this time: this text does not say anything except for a sloppy, boring lecture about the meaning of word "tender". Thus instead of containing what the author of a poem should provide in a text, this text spells things which eventually should be formulated or just felt by its readers.

When a poem tells its readers what they should think and feel then it's not a poem but a futile exercise in bad taste and in wasting everybody's time.

Talking about time, the author and others should not spend it on discussing too long poor poems (unless they are masochists). It's so much more nice and useful to concentrate on the excellent ones.

(Is this "author" a simplistic electronic bot? making fun of us? It's very hard to tell them apart.)

 

[Angeline]

Yes, this is it.
A word here and a word there is not a problem to consider here, this text is not at that stage. As you said earlier, and that's the whole story at this time: this text does not say anything except for a sloppy, boring lecture about the meaning of word "tender". Thus instead of containing what the author of a poem should provide in a text, this text spells things which eventually should be formulated or just felt by its readers.

When a poem tells its readers what they should think and feel then it's not a poem but a futile exercise in bad taste and in wasting everybody's time.

Talking about time, the author and others should not spend it on discussing too long poor poems (unless they are masochists). It's so much more nice and useful to concentrate on the excellent ones.

(Is this "author" a simplistic electronic bot? making fun of us? It's very hard to tell them apart.)

I've made that argument here so many times here that I feel like a broken record. I usually don't respond anymore, but when someone asks for feedback and then gets all huffy about their "art," because they aren't being praised, I get irritated. But yes, I totally agree about only putting time into trying to help if the poem is salvagable. Otherwise it's a useless exercise. Actually, worse than useless because I could be critiquing something good for someone who actually wants to listen.

I usually try to subscribe to the "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything" school, but sometimes I just can't keep my big mouth shut.

I was mean to clerks in Target this morning, too, because they were giving me crap about exchanging a dvd. I think I embarrassed poor ee. I am not afraid to get loud when I'm pissed off. I think it's a Joisey thing.

ETA: Not a bot, imo, just an angsty kid.

 

[A_ria]

Concept Development

...Nobody here cares if your poem sucks. We've all written poems that suck. If you stop arguing long enough to hear what other poets are telling you, maybe you'll learn something and the next poem you write will suck a little less.

...You have nothing really concrete in there. You have a bunch of generalizations that do nothing to establish mood, tone or image...

You may have something to communicate but the words in your poem aren't making it happen.

...Establish in your own mind first exactly what it is you're trying to say and then think about what specifically communicates that via image, metaphor and all the tools poets use.

...Read more poetry and think about why the stuff you like is good.

Angeline's comments seem the most perceptive and insightful of all of those written. (I agreed with everything she said, but only quoted the points relevant to this post.)

XXplorher, I don't know you. I've never spoken to you or even heard of you until a few minutes ago. I don't care whether you're a terrific poet or absolutely rotten. So, speaking as a stranger to you, I have this to say:

You have the idea--I can tell that it was there, pressing you to write this. But the idea is not yet developed. I think that you might be trapped in the erroneous idea that to make a poem better, you must continue to work on it.

This is wrong.

Put away your red ink-pen and go back to your pencil and a blank page. Write your ideas again and again, in new and better poems. This creative process will better reflect your growth as an artist as well as give you opportunities to explore the concepts that intrigue you.

For instance, if I had written the poem you had posted, I might go back to it after a few days, take some ideas from it and write this:

a quiet compliment
the perfect touch
our fluid interactions
enough and not too much

not a skilled manoeuvre
in this simple meeting of our souls
not a lesson to be taught
the instinctive mating of our roles

linen in the breeze
the fog above the lake
the murmurs of the trees
a gentle kiss awake

tenderness, they say
does it carefully
tenderness
deserves better

it’s making what we make
more important than any lack
daring to give, to take
to rise and to arch back

so tender…
as she lies beneath me
so tender is her skin
as i cover her completely
tender woman…

And then I'd set it aside and go back to it later for another rewrite. (Because clearly, this is rather bad poetry: very little that you come up with in a few minutes is really good in its raw form.)

I do this a lot in my books-- often, I write in a character or an idea that isn't well enough defined to "work." Even if I scrap it in that story, that character or idea will continue to reappear in drafts and short stories until I have a really good idea of where I want to go with this.

I hope that you are able to learn from the insight and ideas of your critics, many of whom probably write poetry themselves. Despite the occasional flame, it seems that the people here are truly supportive. They're actually analysing your poetry and giving intelligent feedback, rather than snap judgements-- and that's a rare and precious quality in a critic. Listen to what they say, think about it honestly, and see what you can use.

Good luck!

Ria

 

[champagne1982]

As far as recent poetry goes, I kinda get the urge to throw something in - 5 minutes or less - and then dare myself to post it.

I want that cuz I'm normally way too conscious of things I want to say. And I rarely bother writing anything anymore, so whenever it hits... I sort of post it. Again, I dare myself to do it. It doesn't matter if it sucks - I just need to post it regardless. 'I said that and maybe it fucking matters, or it doesn't. Stop wrrying about whether it matters or not. Just put it out there. Stop thinking about yourself. Get naked. You pussy.'

This particular poem is on the edge of absolute crap and simple satisfaction. I can't decide what I think of it.

Does it turn? Does it turn on you in the end? Or am I still just jacking off? Did it move? I need it to move or it's crap. And I wanna know if you think it's crap.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=402197

You ask if your poem "sucks" in such a way as to make me believe you think it does.

What makes this poem "suck" to you? Once you critique your poem with an objective eye, I don't think you'll need anyone else to explain what they saw, bad or good, in your poem. You'll already know.

Don't bait the hook with bad meat unless you expect the sharks to bite and run with it.