How to stop fighting my sub tendencies?

[Flirtastic]

Growing up I had a domineering, bullying, emotionally abusive father (now deceased). I always swore I would never be with anyone like him. My whole adult life I've had a strong and assertive personality, and prided myself on being able to stand up for myself (which my mother never could do).

Within the last year I've been surprised to find myself more and more fantasizing about being submissive. But even thought I find it arousing I shut down because of my negative associations. Is it possible to get past this and let myself go and enjoy? Suggestions?

 

[CutieMouse]

Growing up I had a domineering, bullying, emotionally abusive father (now deceased). I always swore I would never be with anyone like him.

Domineering, bullying and emotional abuse aren't part of BDSM; perhaps the first step might be getting to know PYLs* as people, and learn to associate new behaviors with dominance?

My whole adult life I've had a strong and assertive personality, and prided myself on being able to stand up for myself (which my mother never could do).

You might be surprised to find very very few doormats amongst pyls*.

Within the last year I've been surprised to find myself more and more fantasizing about being submissive. But even thought I find it arousing I shut down because of my negative associations. Is it possible to get past this and let myself go and enjoy? Suggestions?

Possibly.



*PYL - Pick Your Label [dominant/top/master/etc]
*pyl - pick your label [submissive/bottom/slave]

 

[intothewoods]

Growing up I had a domineering, bullying, emotionally abusive father (now deceased). I always swore I would never be with anyone like him. My whole adult life I've had a strong and assertive personality, and prided myself on being able to stand up for myself (which my mother never could do).

Within the last year I've been surprised to find myself more and more fantasizing about being submissive. But even thought I find it arousing I shut down because of my negative associations. Is it possible to get past this and let myself go and enjoy? Suggestions?

Yes, it's possible! You have a right to your sexual desires. They are yours, not a reincarnation of your past. Take your time. Welcome to the forum, btw.

 

[makeUcum4me9988]

Prove to yourself

The best way to prove to yourself that your parent(s) isn't controlling you, is to not allow what they did to you to dictate what you do. In other words, don't do something because of them but rather do or be something because of who you really are.

Its like so many people go through life either with or seeking their blame item. I call it the blame-game. Then, once the have their blame item, which they hold like a child with a security blanket then they feel it gives them the right or permission not to stretch or grow, not to become who they really are because they have something to blame it on.

Take the focus off of the blame item, focus on what really matters to you, which sounds like you want to explore being a subbie, and allow yourself to enjoy the adventure of living life. Free to not be held hostage of the past but rather live life looking forward to what it will bring you. Its hard to see what life is bringing you, if you're walking thru it looking backwards at what has already come and gone.

I hope this makes some sense and you hear (read it) it in the uplifting voice it is coming from.

Good luck!

 

[gloriann]

Sure. It still amazes me that submission can still be seen as being in the weak position. Being a proper sub requires great self-control, and (at least for me) great trust in your partner. That's tough stuff to grab onto sometimes.

Find someone you trust and enjoy!

 

[Bandit58]

For 23 years I lived with a domineering, bullying and emotionally abusive husband. I am now in a D/s relationship of 5 years standing with my second husband.

Sir is nothing like my ex. He is polite when He asks me to do something, He is gentle and loving. I love submitting to Him. Even when He grabs my hair, spanks me, or ties me up and does things to me (except tickling! ) it's done out of love and knowing that I enjoy the things He does. I must add that we do not do things like face slapping or humiliation play apart from some gentle teasing - that goes too close to the abuse line for us.

Doms come in all shapes, sizes and styles of dominance. You just have to find the one that is right for you

 

[mylaceratedheart]

Growing up I had a domineering, bullying, emotionally abusive father (now deceased). I always swore I would never be with anyone like him. My whole adult life I've had a strong and assertive personality, and prided myself on being able to stand up for myself (which my mother never could do).

Within the last year I've been surprised to find myself more and more fantasizing about being submissive. But even thought I find it arousing I shut down because of my negative associations. Is it possible to get past this and let myself go and enjoy? Suggestions?

I have the same issues going on with my past. I've posted about them here on a thread in the How To Forum that deals specifically with child abuse so I won't repeat myself here.

As it stands, I have yet to physically experiment with a man in a BDSM setting but I'm no stranger to power/control/pain on a number of levels and I know I can find it arousing to a degree at least. My sub tendencies are just never going to go away and on recent reflection, pootling around Lit lately, I think it's just as much of a psychological risk to wall desires that strong away completely as it is to explore them in a fairly safe environment. The person I play with (I'm not seeking a LTR until I have discovered whether I want/need it to be D/s based) will have the knowledge s/he needs to understand my past and how I have reached adulthood with a desire for sexual powerplay. That's not to make them responsible for latent shit that may be thrown up by BDSM play. I take full responsibility for wanting to explore this, knowing where these personality traits have come from.

Basically, if submission is now so much a part of your makeup that you feel you need it in order to be fulfilled sexually, to deny yourself that because of negative past experiences means that your father still has the capacity to influence your choices from beyond the grave. As a post abuse adult it's vital that you keep a close eye on yourself, your motivations and limits. There are plenty of guys out there who profess to be 'doms' but in fact just want to get away with being chauvinistic, abusive assholes. I know that I personally have a tendency to give too much and become too service oriented even in a 'normal' vanilla relationship. If you keep a close watch on your choices and ensure you get into this with a caring, knowledgeable guy who has your interests/enjoyment/fulfillment as much at heart as his own, then the risks are manageable IMHO.

Sorry for the mini-ramble but I hope you understand where I'm coming from with this.