Dominance and submission - the necessary mindsets

[Over_Lord]

I wonder if other Doms, like me, tire of being approached by people calling themselves 'subs', who have never had a submissive thought in their head in their lives and who seem to believe that submission is ALL about simple physical matters... bondage, spankings etc. and inevitably bound up with intercourse every hour, on the hour.

The psychology and life changing elements of true Domination/submission, it seems, have never crossed the minds of these people.

It seems to me that the necessary mindsets for both Dom and sub are actually quite rare and are a prize well worth waiting for, discarding the shallowness you meet in droves along the way.

 

[rosco rathbone]

What does all that even mean?

 

[JMohegan]

Oh my god. Rosco Rathbone is not a true dom.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Oh my god. Rosco Rathbone is not a true dom.

What will it take to buy your silence sir.

 

[Over_Lord]

What does all that even mean?

It means, as a minimum, that the brain really ought to be involved in D/s.

Go on... give it a try...

 

[JMohegan]

What will it take to buy your silence sir.

A signed print of your av?

 

[mary63]

i agree

i read this post and thought wow! a dom who at least makes it sound like he understand. i find there are very few who really want this kind of relationship. it is a lot of work! i understand what i am asking of a dom. when i go looking i find one of two types of men...1. the ones who drive me nuts who come crawling to me begging me for my submission. i have yet to understand why they think this will work?
and 2. the ones who think they can write me a pm and tell me what to do as if i owed him something!
if i wanted to just be a sub to any jerk it would be easy to find. the one i will hand over my power to will earn it by being who he is. and i will in return work to earn his attention and control. very very few men understand that it is work and it is not just telling her what you want. you have to know her and understand her and make her want to give all she is and all she has to completely want to give him all the pleasure he wants. because that brings her pleasure. it is not easy and it is not something that happens in a day. and no it is not all about getting off! ok sorry i will stop now..forgive me.

 

[Netzach]

I wonder if other Doms, like me, tire of being approached by people calling themselves 'subs', who have never had a submissive thought in their head in their lives and who seem to believe that submission is ALL about simple physical matters... bondage, spankings etc. and inevitably bound up with intercourse every hour, on the hour.

The psychology and life changing elements of true Domination/submission, it seems, have never crossed the minds of these people.

It seems to me that the necessary mindsets for both Dom and sub are actually quite rare and are a prize well worth waiting for, discarding the shallowness you meet in droves along the way.

I find the majority of people in SM actually get this concept remarkably well, and it's actually much harder to find a quality interaction based on simply beating someone on the butt and having hot monkey sex without a lot of psychodrama.

 

[Keroin]

I find the majority of people in SM actually get this concept remarkably well, and it's actually much harder to find a quality interaction based on simply beating someone on the butt and having hot monkey sex without a lot of psychodrama.

Mmmmmmmm, hot monkey sex.

Um, sorry, forgot I was on the serious board for a moment. It's all Netzach's fault.

Shallowness, thy name is Keroin.

 

[rosco rathbone]

I find the majority of people in SM actually get this concept remarkably well, and it's actually much harder to find a quality interaction based on simply beating someone on the butt and having hot monkey sex without a lot of psychodrama.

You think that's hard?? Try finding a female who will O upon hypnotic command and then not start following you around like a day-old gosling.

 

[Miss Diva]

Well how about the other side of the coin so called "Doms" who want you to obey after the first email and as a token of your submissive devotion want a and I quote "Now, show me a picture of you totally naked. and I will not share it with anyone. It is for my private records and to show me you are dedicated to satisfying me. Make sure the picture shows you shaved smooth (like a good little girl should look like) and that you find happiness as a naked submissive always ready to please your Dom."

Uh what happened to the psychology of it all and basically getting to know each other.

Miss Diva
BTW I said thanks but no thanks and his ad was sane and sounded really good.

 

[daddiespet]

i'm a sub and can completely understand what you're saying.
i have gotten lots of PMs demanding my complete and utter submission from complete strangers...thanks but no thanks!

 

[Loose_by_name]

Thank goodness, It's good to see other subs find the search is as frustrating as i have of late

Just when you think Dominant men are in a category all their own (in a good way) some neandethal begins an online chat with "How many strikes can you take?". Whatever happened to ... "Hi what do you like to do for fun?"


Oh well back to the drawing board

Lucy

 

[mylaceratedheart]

I wonder if other Doms, like me, tire of being approached by people calling themselves 'subs', who have never had a submissive thought in their head in their lives and who seem to believe that submission is ALL about simple physical matters... bondage, spankings etc. and inevitably bound up with intercourse every hour, on the hour.

The psychology and life changing elements of true Domination/submission, it seems, have never crossed the minds of these people.

It seems to me that the necessary mindsets for both Dom and sub are actually quite rare and are a prize well worth waiting for, discarding the shallowness you meet in droves along the way.

Oh please. Just what planet do you live on?

So who decides what 'true' D/s is? You? Some random Mastercyberdomlybollocks?

I have submissive tendencies and a desire to explore those desires. I also have zero experience and I will make no apology for that, everyone has to start somewhere. Therefore, my concept of D/s as a whole is pretty abstract at this stage. I find the concept of 'true' D/s a bit trite and silly though. Surely a power exchange (or even just an S/M flavoured) relationship can fall anywhere within a certain spectrum and be defined as BDSM.

You want a sub crawling naked across the floor to spank herself in front of a webcam while pledging eternal devotion and respectfully asking what colour knickers she should wear tomorrow? Good for you. I think that sweeping generalizations like this however, are why many newbies to this site and to BDSM in general find the whole thing confusing and feel excluded because they don't fall within one man's personal definition of D/s. All the 'subbier/domlier than thou' bollocks that flies around this forum and particularly the BDSM personals board, perpetuated by people who manage to conduct a 'true' BDSM relationship almost solely via IM (as your personals ad suggests you do) just makes me chuckle.

If you ask me, submitting to a dissatisfied spouse who wants some woman to metamorphosise into his personal masturbatory fantasy and make herself available for a kinky fuck every few months is not 'true D/s.' You can witter on about the deep psychology of it all till you wet your boxers but that's about what D/s boils down to for you.

Be very careful of narrowing your mind too much and more especially of imposing your rigid view of 'true' D/s on the next unsuspecting woman who crosses your path. BDSM is deliciously varied and deviant. I'm not about to throw myself at the feet of some conceited, arrogant and ultimately insecure asshole who thinks he knows all the answers. Someone who's exploring with an open mind and lack of agenda will get much further with me.

 

[Essene]

Oh please. Just what planet do you live on?

So who decides what 'true' D/s is? You? Some random Mastercyberdomlybollocks?

I have submissive tendencies and a desire to explore those desires. I also have zero experience and I will make no apology for that, everyone has to start somewhere. Therefore, my concept of D/s as a whole is pretty abstract at this stage. I find the concept of 'true' D/s a bit trite and silly though. Surely a power exchange (or even just an S/M flavoured) relationship can fall anywhere within a certain spectrum and be defined as BDSM.

You want a sub crawling naked across the floor to spank herself in front of a webcam while pledging eternal devotion and respectfully asking what colour knickers she should wear tomorrow? Good for you. I think that sweeping generalizations like this however, are why many newbies to this site and to BDSM in general find the whole thing confusing and feel excluded because they don't fall within one man's personal definition of D/s. All the 'subbier/domlier than thou' bollocks that flies around this forum and particularly the BDSM personals board, perpetuated by people who manage to conduct a 'true' BDSM relationship almost solely via IM (as your personals ad suggests you do) just makes me chuckle.

If you ask me, submitting to a dissatisfied spouse who wants some woman to metamorphosise into his personal masturbatory fantasy and make herself available for a kinky fuck every few months is not 'true D/s.' You can witter on about the deep psychology of it all till you wet your boxers but that's about what D/s boils down to for you.
Be very careful of narrowing your mind too much and more especially of imposing your rigid view of 'true' D/s on the next unsuspecting woman who crosses your path. BDSM is deliciously varied and deviant. I'm not about to throw myself at the feet of some conceited, arrogant and ultimately insecure asshole who thinks he knows all the answers. Someone who's exploring with an open mind and lack of agenda will get much further with me.

Zing...

 

[Over_Lord]

Oh please. Just what planet do you live on?

So who decides what 'true' D/s is? You? Some random Mastercyberdomlybollocks?

I have submissive tendencies and a desire to explore those desires. I also have zero experience and I will make no apology for that, everyone has to start somewhere. Therefore, my concept of D/s as a whole is pretty abstract at this stage. I find the concept of 'true' D/s a bit trite and silly though. Surely a power exchange (or even just an S/M flavoured) relationship can fall anywhere within a certain spectrum and be defined as BDSM.

You want a sub crawling naked across the floor to spank herself in front of a webcam while pledging eternal devotion and respectfully asking what colour knickers she should wear tomorrow? Good for you. I think that sweeping generalizations like this however, are why many newbies to this site and to BDSM in general find the whole thing confusing and feel excluded because they don't fall within one man's personal definition of D/s. All the 'subbier/domlier than thou' bollocks that flies around this forum and particularly the BDSM personals board, perpetuated by people who manage to conduct a 'true' BDSM relationship almost solely via IM (as your personals ad suggests you do) just makes me chuckle.

If you ask me, submitting to a dissatisfied spouse who wants some woman to metamorphosise into his personal masturbatory fantasy and make herself available for a kinky fuck every few months is not 'true D/s.' You can witter on about the deep psychology of it all till you wet your boxers but that's about what D/s boils down to for you.

Be very careful of narrowing your mind too much and more especially of imposing your rigid view of 'true' D/s on the next unsuspecting woman who crosses your path. BDSM is deliciously varied and deviant. I'm not about to throw myself at the feet of some conceited, arrogant and ultimately insecure asshole who thinks he knows all the answers. Someone who's exploring with an open mind and lack of agenda will get much further with me.

I live on a planet where D/s involves a state of mind rather than a quick route to purely physical, dull-eyed fucking.

My mind does not 'narrow' as a result of this state, actually. Rather, the imaginative pressure involved, especially given the 'distance element' with which I am involved, is an expansive force.

You seem to object to my use of the word 'true' and I have noticed that there is a BDSM mafia who conduct witch hunts against anyone who dares suggest that D/s can and should be a somewhat deeper matter than sex with a superfical dressing of ropes and whips.

Too bad. The Flat Earth Society objects to travel agents offering round the world trips...

Oh and by the way - this may come as something of a rude shock for someone vaunting with surprisingly strident pontification their alleged 'submissive tendencies' - but as to whose feet at which you decide loftily to throw yourself, nobody around here gives much of a flying fuck...

 

[belladomina]

It probably has a lot to do with the increasing popularity of the lifestyle. Recognizable stereotypes exist in common culture and new/unfamiliar people emulate those stereotypes, presumably so they don't feel empty-handed. Or perhaps it's the stereotype that appeals to them. "If you go to the bar, you expect to get drunk." Action = Anticipated Reaction.

Yes, I agree with you. The personal and intimate relationships present in many formal BDSM couplings seem to be absent in the more casual setting. Some people invest an enormous amount of energy into their experience. Some people don't. I'm not sure it makes it better or worse, in either case.

Is it frustrating? Well, taking any one person as your own is an engagement. Whether they have been tainted by lesser expectations or have to be urged to greatness in some other way - it's all the same. Every submissive is a mental/physical/spiritual exercise. Especially in the role of a dominant, it's on you - and me - to perceive, address, and respond to the whole of them.

I'm not saying you're incorrect, but proposing the alternative - see past it. One mistake does not ruin a person. If they're all shallow, then with all due respect, look somewhere else.

 

[belladomina]

There is one more note that I didn't address, because it doesn't need to be said...except that it is being discussed.

This may be just my professional opinion but BDSM doesn't involve sex any more than cooking involves sex. You can have sex on your kitchen table, but the activities don't have to be related.

The whole point of the experience is that one receives sexual pleasure from the acts of Bondage/Discipline/Domination/Submission/Sadism/Masochism themselves, not from thrusting sexual organs. I don't know how to illustrate that as anything but a fetish or compare it to any common experience.

If that's what you're asking, Overlord, then god no - there is no shortage. Again, I ask - where have you been looking?

 

[mylaceratedheart]

I live on a planet where D/s involves a state of mind rather than a quick route to purely physical, dull-eyed fucking.

You're making the quite basic mistake of assuming that I don't.

My mind does not 'narrow' as a result of this state, actually. Rather, the imaginative pressure involved, especially given the 'distance element' with which I am involved, is an expansive force.

Of course it is. Another word for that 'expansive force' is 'erection.'

You seem to object to my use of the word 'true' and I have noticed that there is a BDSM mafia who conduct witch hunts against anyone who dares suggest that D/s can and should be a somewhat deeper matter than sex with a superfical dressing of ropes and whips.

I'm Mafia material already? Cool.

Too bad. The Flat Earth Society objects to travel agents offering round the world trips...

You flatterer you.

Oh and by the way - this may come as something of a rude shock for someone vaunting with surprisingly strident pontification their alleged 'submissive tendencies' - but as to whose feet at which you decide loftily to throw yourself, nobody around here gives much of a flying fuck...

I'm wounded.

Firstly, my 'pontification' about my submissive tendencies will indeed be strident until I find someone actually worth submitting to. You're also assuming people give 'a flying fuck' regarding your 'pontification' about the lack of quality of the applications you've received for your brand of online dominance. Go ahead, insult your target audience. That'll get you no end of willing typists that will.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I wonder if other Doms, like me blah-de-blah-de-blah....

I wonder whose alt this is. And why s/he finds it necessary to hide her/his "light" under a bushel instead of leading us to the glorious state of enlightenment s/he has reached.

Let us pray:

"Our Over_Lord, which art in Nirvana, hallowéd be Thy name.
Thy true Dom-dom come, Thy will be done,
In our lives just as it is in Yours.
Give us this day Your eerie wisdom,
And forgive us our shallowness,
As we forgive those who shallow at us.
Lead us into temptation,
Deliver us into Your divine interpretation of our lives,
For Thine is the only true understanding,
For ever and ever."

ETA: My apologies to the devout among us. The urge to worship just overcame me when I read the OP.

 

[WriterDom]

It's the nature of the beast. Shake and bake Domhood and submission. We're not a professional society. There is no working under a Dom for three years. No 5 year requirement of higher education. Not sitting through three days of exams. The only requirement is a clever or not so clever screen name and a self proclamation.

We knew this ten years ago when some of these subs and doms were riding Big Wheels in the cul-de-sac without pubic hair one. Why shouldn't it be worse now with more exposure. Caveat emptor, and let it go. There is still a lot of good out there. Find your own path to the top of the mountain. Giggle at the absurdities. Nominate the ASSHATS. Never give too much credence to a message board. The hottest chick here could be a 60 year old man in drag with a 10 inch buttplug up his ass. You don't really know. Really, you don't.

 

[00Syd]

I didn't read every word here but let me just say that the idea that BDSM has nothing to do with sex is frankly a steaming pile of BS.

Wouldn't we like to think that we're not all just getting our rocks off. We're so much more enlightened then that, right? I never, ever think about something as crude as BEING FUCKED REALLY, REALLY HARD when I'm tied up on the floor dripping wet licking a boot. Never.

 

[rosco rathbone]

On the other hand, there are some so called subs who simply will not do as they are told.

Maybe this is what the OP is talking about

 

[mylaceratedheart]

On the other hand, there are some so called subs who simply will not do as they are told.

Maybe this is what the OP is talking about

I could sit on my ass and type 'Yes Sir' all day if I wanted to, the guy at the other end has no clue whether I'm obeying an instruction or not. Writer D's comment:

The hottest chick here could be a 60 year old man in drag with a 10 inch buttplug up his ass. You don't really know. Really, you don't.

can be applied to online D/s in its entirety. If the OP has too much trouble even getting the correct responses in print, he really can't be typing his block caps in an intimidatingly large enough, bolded typeface.

 

[JMohegan]

All the 'subbier/domlier than thou' bollocks that flies around this forum and particularly the BDSM personals board, perpetuated by people who manage to conduct a 'true' BDSM relationship almost solely via IM (as your personals ad suggests you do) just makes me chuckle.

What a surprise.

I would hope to find a pretty fly (UK lady with submissive leanings) entering my web (emailing with stories, opinions, role-playing, perhaps the occasional phone chat).

Kindly drop into the silky strands (message me via the system) if you feel inclined to be totally enveloped and at my mercy...

As regards 'serious' BDSM, I seek a 'remote Domination' via email situation with any lady, preferably married/attached, with perhaps a meeting once or twice per year to renew the physical as well as the cerebral...

Look, Omar (is it okay if I call you Omar? I'm having a bit of trouble with Lord) - if the remote email thing constitutes your life's dream of true D/s, then I say rock on.

However, I don't know too many people who get inspired, impressed, or turned on by a tendency to blame everybody else for one's own relationship failures.

Therefore, instead of wasting time stomping your feet and ranting over a perceived shortage of pretty British flies, perhaps it would be more helpful to contemplate the possibility that your web sucks.