Collar Etiquette

[mscherrypoppins]

Hello everyone! I'm new so guide me if this thread has been posted before. Although, alot look pretty repetitive.

I have a friend who was collared by her PYL. Later, when they got married, she was given a custom made collar which was pretty expensive as it was considered part of their marital union. However, they ended up getting a divorce. She has tried repeatedly to give the collar back but is told that it cannot be accepted. I think it goes on the premise that she'll go back to him but she won't. Trust me. Even if you think that is a bold statement for me to make. She still has not gotten rid of it, and in some way, I believe (or I'm sure) it holds her back. Someone offered to buy it from her, friends told her to throw it away, etc. Someone even asked to borrow it just so that it could have "accidentally gotten lost" but she was on to us

So, what are your ideas or suggestions? What do you think is the right or proper thing to do? Maybe she'll read and listen to you guys.

 

[myinnerslut]

Hello everyone! I'm new so guide me if this thread has been posted before. Although, alot look pretty repetitive.

I have a friend who was collared by her PYL. Later, when they got married, she was given a custom made collar which was pretty expensive as it was considered part of their marital union. However, they ended up getting a divorce. She has tried repeatedly to give the collar back but is told that it cannot be accepted. I think it goes on the premise that she'll go back to him but she won't. Trust me. Even if you think that is a bold statement for me to make. She still has not gotten rid of it, and in some way, I believe (or I'm sure) it holds her back. Someone offered to buy it from her, friends told her to throw it away, etc. Someone even asked to borrow it just so that it could have "accidentally gotten lost" but she was on to us

So, what are your ideas or suggestions? What do you think is the right or proper thing to do? Maybe she'll read and listen to you guys.

i wore a silver chain in my old relationship. we broke up and i held onto it for a few days but it made me miserable every time i saw it. i gave it to a friend and told her to keep it, pawn it, give it away, i dont care. just take it away from me.

 

[mscherrypoppins]

i wore a silver chain in my old relationship. we broke up and i held onto it for a few days but it made me miserable every time i saw it. i gave it to a friend and told her to keep it, pawn it, give it away, i dont care. just take it away from me.

I believe it is exactly the same for her. It doesn't have to be a collar (that is her particular scenario). Just something precious that binds one to their PYL. I want to throw it in the river.

 

[myinnerslut]

I believe it is exactly the same for her. It doesn't have to be a collar (that is her particular scenario). Just something precious that binds one to their PYL. I want to throw it in the river.

as a friend your watching her hurt, and you are hurting because of it. this leads you to want to protect her by getting rid of what hurts her.

unfortunatly, she needs to be ready to let it go or trying to take it from her or force it to be gone will just lead o more hurt.

that being said, i do agree that she should not hold onto it. it will cuase more heartbreak if it stays around. now we wait for her to see that.

 

[the captians wench]

When a PYL and I changed our dynamic to strictly just friends I had a hard time figuring out what to do with the collar he made for me. This was the first collar anyone actually physically gave me, let alone made me. I loved it, I still love it, but wearing it or even looking at it still causes great pain.

I talked about giving it back to him, but it just hasn't happened. My solution was to put it in an envelope and put the envelope in a drawer I don't use often. It's still there, and I know it's safe, but it's not lost, which is important to me.

I still have my wedding boquet as well. I hung it in the kitchen when my now ex husband and I first moved into this apt. I've been contemplating getting rid of it, burning it, throwing it away, what ever, but it's still a huge part of me. We've been seperated now for 3 years, and the devorce was final last May, but I still have a hard time with it.

These things just take some time. I'm almost ready to let go of the bouquet, it will most likely disapear as I put my things back in order from the accident, but you can't push it. This has to be something she decides to let go of, or she may resent whom ever forces her into it.

 

[unregistered]

 

[catalina_francisco]

Personally, this is why I didn't receive collars from anyone until I met the one I intended being with for life, understood what that meant, and meant it. I could never, and still can't envision accepting and wearing a collar, only to then put it aside, try to give it back, allow anyone else to handle or wear it, and/or contemplate accepting another from someone else who just happens to come along and seem justas good as the previous one did when I accepted their collar. This, thankfully is shared by both of us, and he has said that even if he was to die, I am not to think of being collared by another.

It all seems very fun when collars begin getting handed out like candy, but for many the meaning goes deeper than something which is treasured when things are going swimmingly, discarded when they may be a little more difficult. That being said, everyone has to make their own decision on what it means to them, and it really has nothing to do with anyone else but those directly involved...so what do I think is the proper thing for you to do for your friend? Stay out of it and certainly forget about schemes of 'losing it' on purpose for them. Growth can be a wonderful thing.

Catalina

 

[the captians wench]

Personally, this is why I didn't receive collars from anyone until I met the one I intended being with for life, understood what that meant, and meant it. I could never, and still can't envision accepting and wearing a collar, only to then put it aside, try to give it back, allow anyone else to handle or wear it, and/or contemplate accepting another from someone else who just happens to come along and seem justas good as the previous one did when I accepted their collar. This, thankfully is shared by both of us, and he has said that even if he was to die, I am not to think of being collared by another.

It all seems very fun when collars begin getting handed out like candy, but for many the meaning goes deeper than something which is treasured when things are going swimmingly, discarded when they may be a little more difficult. That being said, everyone has to make their own decision on what it means to them, and it really has nothing to do with anyone else but those directly involved...so what do I think is the proper thing for you to do for your friend? Stay out of it and certainly forget about schemes of 'losing it' on purpose for them. Growth can be a wonderful thing.

Catalina

That's all well and good Cat, but things happen.

I believed that the man I married shared the same ideas of what it ment as I did. When I married, I believed whole heartedly that it was for life, and that I would never know another man as I knew my husband. But some where along the way either I missread him, or he changed his mind, because here I am a devorcee.

It doesn't change the way I veiw marrage, I still believe I can never marry some one who is not in it for live, or at least whom I believe is in it for life. You never can know some one's thoughts, feelings and beliefs completely, only what they share with you.

The collar I accepted from that friend was significan't of that part of our relationship and our lives. I accepted it as I would have a friendship bracelet, or any other symbol. Just because that part of our lives is over, does not mean that that symbol is any less significant, just that it doesn't fit for us right now.

I had an even harder time when Jounar decided to release me. He did it because he thought it was best, even though it was something neither of us truely wanted. Even tho he never gave me the collar I wore, even tho he never "really" collared me, the collar I associated with him went on the nightstand and I thought it would never grace my neck again. But we worked out what seemed impossible, and it did rest against my throat again.

You can't predict the way a relationship will go, especially in these days when devorce is so easy.

I know you ment the best Cat, but what you said sounds a but unfair.

 

[unregistered]

 

[FurryFury]

I find it sad how some people can't just feel the pain, work through it and move on. Instead they keep painful memory objects and subject themselves to everything over and over again, wallowing in it.

We can't really help people like that. They have to recognize they have a problem and want to change before there is any hope of that no matter how much we want to help them.

So they spread the pain, which they insist on continuing, to many of the people around them. Hopefully someday they wake up and say, "You know what? I don't like this. I deserve better."

 

[unregistered]

 

[the captians wench]

I find it sad how some people can't just feel the pain, work through it and move on. Instead they keep painful memory objects and subject themselves to everything over and over again, wallowing in it.

We can't really help people like that. They have to recognize they have a problem and want to change before there is any hope of that no matter how much we want to help them.

So they spread the pain, which they insist on continuing, to many of the people around them. Hopefully someday they wake up and say, "You know what? I don't like this. I deserve better."

Maybe I just do the memory object thing wrong.

The objects I refered to that I still hold on to don't cause me pain really. They more remind me of a happy point in my life, then a feel just a slight sadness because that happy point is gone. They kind of remind me that I have been happy, and that I deserve to be happy, even tho the person that object is connected to is not it.

Once it's served its perpous, I get rid of it. When my ex was still considered a friend and a part of my life, I kept the bouquet, sort of as a reminder of the people in my life that care about me. Now that we have faided out of each other's aquaintence, it no longer holds value.




I don't agree with the whole "you wanna be my sub? okay here's your collar, and next week we'll celebrate the day we met 2 weeks ago". I think it can cheapen things as much as those who have a new bride every 3 years cheapen the sanctity of marriage. But I didn't get that this was the case the OP was refurring to.

 

[FurryFury]

My comment wasn't aimed at you at all.

If you get something good out of it, that's great.

I also feel that if you have to get rid of everything from that time period that's extreme. It says you aren't really done yet but avoiding looking at what you need to, in order to work through it.

Usually I think a balance is best in most things in life.

I agree totally on the collaring thing.

Maybe I just do the memory object thing wrong.

The objects I refered to that I still hold on to don't cause me pain really. They more remind me of a happy point in my life, then a feel just a slight sadness because that happy point is gone. They kind of remind me that I have been happy, and that I deserve to be happy, even tho the person that object is connected to is not it.

Once it's served its perpous, I get rid of it. When my ex was still considered a friend and a part of my life, I kept the bouquet, sort of as a reminder of the people in my life that care about me. Now that we have faided out of each other's aquaintence, it no longer holds value.




I don't agree with the whole "you wanna be my sub? okay here's your collar, and next week we'll celebrate the day we met 2 weeks ago". I think it can cheapen things as much as those who have a new bride every 3 years cheapen the sanctity of marriage. But I didn't get that this was the case the OP was refurring to.

 

[FurryFury]

It's all part of th healing process. Some wounds just take longer. Some wounds people pick at and MAKE them take longer!

Yes, that's true.

 

[the captians wench]

My comment wasn't aimed at you at all.

If you get something good out of it, that's great.

I also feel that if you have to get rid of everything from that time period that's extreme. It says you aren't really done yet but avoiding looking at what you need to, in order to work through it.

Usually I think a balance is best in most things in life.

I agree totally on the collaring thing.

I know darlin. Forgive me, I'm feeling a bit cranky tonight.

 

[FurryFury]

I know darlin. Forgive me, I'm feeling a bit cranky tonight.

No worries! I'm glad you said what you did.

And back!

 

[Windflower]

She should keep it, or toss it in the trash, or sell it for scrap metal, or auction it off on Ebay or sell it on Craig's List.
She may even want to piss on it, or spit on it, or both... and mail it back to her ex.
Or maybe she'd get more satisfaction in performing voodoo spells with it in an attempt to spite him.
Or it may help her to heal over time if she leaves it in a drawer, and looks at it and-or tries it on, now and then, as needed.

Most importantly, in most cases, it's better to be allowed to decide on what to do with such an intimate item for oneself, by oneself. Every one feels differently, everyone heals differently, etc.

Hello everyone! I'm new so guide me if this thread has been posted before. Although, alot look pretty repetitive.

I have a friend who was collared by her PYL. Later, when they got married, she was given a custom made collar which was pretty expensive as it was considered part of their marital union. However, they ended up getting a divorce. She has tried repeatedly to give the collar back but is told that it cannot be accepted. I think it goes on the premise that she'll go back to him but she won't. Trust me. Even if you think that is a bold statement for me to make. She still has not gotten rid of it, and in some way, I believe (or I'm sure) it holds her back. Someone offered to buy it from her, friends told her to throw it away, etc. Someone even asked to borrow it just so that it could have "accidentally gotten lost" but she was on to us

So, what are your ideas or suggestions? What do you think is the right or proper thing to do? Maybe she'll read and listen to you guys.

 

[YourCaptor]

Say I acquired her, I would cut the collar in half and put it in his mailbox.

The message is quite clear.

 

[wicked woman]

Adding my vote to the let her grieve as she needs to/wants to. Everyone handles grief differently.

While not a collar, I still have my wedding band, although I've been divorced over 1/2 my life. It has no sentimental meaning to me. I never wear it...just don't see any reason to dispose of it.

 

[rida]

I am too someone that keeps memories of past relationships (and friendships).
Even thou they are painful at first, I found that they give me comfort as well: they are a little part of me and of my past that shaped who I am now.

To the OP: people have different ways to deal with the end of a relationship. Whether it is better to get rid of all the memories or not, is up to the individual to decide. If you want to help your friend to move on, be there for her but do not force her to do what she is not ready for.

And yes, it would be highly symbolic to have it cut and disposed of by her next PYL ... although I personally think it would be better if she dispose of it on her own by either keeping it in her "memory box", burying it, tossing it or what not.

 

[lilylicious]

I'm Dominant so I can't really relate but would like to offer one possibility.

Could she maybe be attached to this collar because it also represents her submissive nature in general, not just her submissiveness to him?

Just a thought.

BTW - Many thanks to the submissives that have posted to this forum, on this and other threads, about the significance of collaring, among other things. I've learned so much from you all.

 

[CutieMouse]

So, what are your ideas or suggestions? What do you think is the right or proper thing to do? Maybe she'll read and listen to you guys.

Maybe I'm just in a shitty mood, but IMO it's condescending and arrogant to think that just because this woman is dealing with the mementos of her past relationship in a different manner than others expect, that her behavior is somehow improper or wrong. This would be what I call shitty friendship hiding behind Emily Post's apron strings... and trust me, Em and I are like *this*.

Allow the woman to be what she is - an adult capable of deciding when, how, where and why to properly deal with the end of her relationships/leftover tokens of affection as she sees fit. Submissive or not, slave or not, collared or not... none of that has a damn thing to do with obtaining personal closure with dignity, in the manner most fitting one's private heartfelt need to do so.

 

[Etoile]

Maybe I'm just in a shitty mood, but IMO it's condescending and arrogant to think that just because this woman is dealing with the mementos of her past relationship in a different manner than others expect, that her behavior is somehow improper or wrong. This would be what I call shitty friendship hiding behind Emily Post's apron strings... and trust me, Em and I are like *this*.

Allow the woman to be what she is - an adult capable of deciding when, how, where and why to properly deal with the end of her relationships/leftover tokens of affection as she sees fit. Submissive or not, slave or not, collared or not... none of that has a damn thing to do with obtaining personal closure with dignity, in the manner most fitting one's private heartfelt need to do so.

I agree with CM. If she has requested help getting rid of it, that's one thing - it would mean that she truly wants to but feels unable to on her own. But if she hasn't asked for your help, if you're reading something into her behavior that may or may not be there, then back down. If she's on Lit and sees this, I'm sure she'll be touched by your concern, but it's her decision in the end.

 

[mscherrypoppins]

Wow! I am impressed with all the feedback. I don't care if you are in a shitty mood or not, I want to hear what you guys have to say. It's the only way for me to put things in perspective!

I should have been specific but their relationship was not casual. The collar wasn't given like a piece of candy is given to a child. I wouldn't have put this out there, if that was the case. They dated for 3+ years and were married about the same length of time. Then came a 2 year separation where they were still together, off and on. Without saying alot, their marriage didn't end over a trivial event. It didn't end over cheating. He didn't all of a sudden become this ogre of a PYL. He is still alone and it has been quite awhile. I do like that I/B pointed out the amount of dedication and the strong connections which bonds some couples in this lifestyle. Regardless, if there is a vanilla half. Sometimes, I forget about that.

I guess it is best for me to leave her alone and let her come to complete closure on her own. She has moved on. She dates, she plays. She doesn't even really talk about it, projecting her feelings on others. But as a friend, I'm there to watch her. Watch her thow out a possibility of good relationships. It's like this invisible noose. However, maybe it is time for me to grow and let her come to me when she is ready to move on and needs a friend. But damn, that is hard to do!

 

[mscherrypoppins]

I read everything you said.

If she's on Lit and sees this, I'm sure she'll be touched by your concern, but it's her decision in the end.

Or she'll kill me..either/or

Maybe I'm just in a shitty mood, but IMO it's condescending and arrogant to think that just because this woman is dealing with the mementos of her past relationship in a different manner than others expect, that her behavior is somehow improper or wrong. This would be what I call shitty friendship hiding behind Emily Post's apron strings... and trust me, Em and I are like *this*.

Allow the woman to be what she is

Tis true. I wouldn't want to change her.

Could she maybe be attached to this collar because it also represents her submissive nature in general, not just her submissiveness to him?

I never thought about this aspect. At all.

I am too someone that keeps memories of past relationships (and friendships).
Even thou they are painful at first, I found that they give me comfort as well: they are a little part of me and of my past that shaped who I am now.

Maybe holding onto the collar is helping her grow.

While not a collar, I still have my wedding band, although I've been divorced over 1/2 my life. It has no sentimental meaning to me. I never wear it...just don't see any reason to dispose of it.

Hopefully one day, the collar won't have any meaning either.

Say I acquired her, I would cut the collar in half and put it in his mailbox.

The message is quite clear.

I really really liked this.

She may even want to piss on it, or spit on it, or both... and mail it back to her ex.
Or maybe she'd get more satisfaction in performing voodoo spells with it in an attempt to spite him.

hahaha..I can just see us in a darkened room, casting spells..I like it though..

I also feel that if you have to get rid of everything from that time period that's extreme. It says you aren't really done yet but avoiding looking at what you need to, in order to work through it.

In the end of my serious relationships, I've gotten rid of everything. And my friends commented on the unhealthiness of it all. Not good for me I know, but it has worked.

"You know what? I don't like this. I deserve better."

Somehow I think she knows but the invisible noose doesn't let her say it.