Is it ever ok to have a affair?

[mrboom]

Is it ever ok to have an affair?

I have often had this decision with partners and friends and it is always a divisive issues. In the ten years I've been with my partner I've never had one. However I have been very good at getting out the way of temptation. I know friends that have had affairs, and they seam to fall into two categories as far as I can see. The people that want everyone to know about it and don't care who gets hurt, and the ones who keep it to them self and think of it as a bit of lifes spice.

What dose every else think of this?

 

[Stella_Omega]

It's a matter of loyalty. If your definition of loyalty includes sexual exclusivity and emotional honesty, than an affair is disloyal. If you consider loyalty important in your relationship, and if your relationship is important to you-- then your disloyalty is a wrong thing.

 

[mrboom]

It's a matter of loyalty. If your definition of loyalty includes sexual exclusivity and emotional honesty, than an affair is disloyal. If you consider loyalty important in your relationship, and if your relationship is important to you-- then your disloyalty is a wrong thing.

Good point. However fidelity is not in my opinion, the best test of loyalty to a loved one. There are many things I would put in front of it, especially as we are not, as a species built to be monogamous.

 

[damppanties]

If it's not an open relationship, then no, it's not okay. But a lot of things are not okay and people still do them. I don't judge people who do it. I feel it's just a human failing and we all fail at something or the other. Anyway, my point = it's not okay.

I have actually written a story (plug!) from the point of view of a character who is in an affair. I have been slammed for it, but no one said I had to write about happy relationships all the time.

 

[impressive]

It depends on what you value more: your integrity or your happiness.

 

[Mz_minx]

If you're in a monogamous relationship then I can't think of anything that could possible hurt more than discovering that the person you loved and trusted was lying to you and sleeping with someone else on a very regular basis. I can't think of a single reason to excuse that.

If you want more of an open relationship and the other person doesn't then you should either get over it or break up. If you want sex and the other person doesn't but doesn't want you going elsewhere then the same thing applies. If you're unhappy and you think it'll make you feel better at risk of losing your relationship, then either sort out what's going wrong in the relationship or break up.

For me it's simple.

 

[mrboom]

If you're in a monogamous relationship then I can't think of anything that could possible hurt more than discovering that the person you loved and trusted was lying to you and sleeping with someone else on a very regular basis. I can't think of a single reason to excuse that.

If you want more of an open relationship and the other person doesn't then you should either get over it or break up. If you want sex and the other person doesn't but doesn't want you going elsewhere then the same thing applies. If you're unhappy and you think it'll make you feel better at risk of losing your relationship, then either sort out what's going wrong in the relationship or break up.

For me it's simple.

Do you not think you being to simplistic here? There are a myriad of reasons people have affairs, and most of them are not about hurting the other person.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Good point. However fidelity is not in my opinion, the best test of loyalty to a loved one. There are many things I would put in front of it, especially as we are not, as a species built to be monogamous.

Well then, there's your answer.

Your next step, I take it, is to convince your wife of this? That can be tricky.

 

[mrboom]

Well then, there's your answer.

Your next step, I take it, is to convince your wife of this? That can be tricky.

I don't there is an answer, only opinion and preferences.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I don't there is an answer, only opinion and preferences.

Well, if your opinions and preferences mostly match your SO's, you're good....

And probably incredibly lucky, huh-- we almost always find out the big surprises after we've made our commitments.

 

[cloudy]

If your partner doesn't mind, then fine.

If s/he does mind, it's not okay.

Very simple.

 

[ishtat]

If your partner doesn't mind, then fine.

If s/he does mind, it's not okay.

Very simple.

Not so sure. I suspect that the intellectual, thinking mind can say yes only to discover after the event that the emotional mind screams no.

Guilt and conscience are usually a consequence rather than a preface to our actions.

 

[3113]

...fidelity is not in my opinion, the best test of loyalty to a loved one. There are many things I would put in front of it, especially as we are not, as a species built to be monogamous.

Do you not think you being to simplistic here? There are a myriad of reasons people have affairs, and most of them are not about hurting the other person.

Dude, you're not fooling anyone, not even yourself. It's so obvious that you want to find a good excuse for having an affair--which, I'm guessing, will hurt your partner if they find out. And you want our help and approval as you try to weasel your way out of monogamy without having to take any responsibility for any unpleasant consequences that may result. You want us to pat you on the head and say, "Oh, yes, we're not made to be monogamous. Oh, yes, people have affairs never intending to hurt the other person. Oh, yes, so long as you're loyal in other ways...."

So bogus! Cut it out. You know the answers perfectly well. You can't have your cake and eat it, too. Not unless your partner is fully, unequivocally, and without any reservations ready to enter a non-exclusive lifestyle. If he/she isn't, then, for you the answer is: NO, it is not ever okay to have an affair. If you do:

(1) You are going to hurt your partner. Go ahead. Tell your partner that we humans aren't meant to be monogamous, and you didn't do this to hurt them, and so it's no big deal. Your partner is going to gaze at you with anguish and pain and betrayal in their eyes and they will say, "Bullshit."

(2) You are going to be seen as disloyal and untrustworthy, not only because you cheated on your partner, but because you'll undoubtedly try to keep it a secret. Either because you need that "spice" or because you're not doing it to "hurt" your partner Double bullshit! Loyalty is letting your partner know the truth because you respect them and want them to make their own decision about this new situation in your joint relationship. Having an affair may or may not be disloyal, but keeping it a secret disrespects the relationship. It keeps half of that partnership in the dark and unable to make an informed decision. And that IS disloyal.

So just cut it out! If you need to have sex outside the partnership to sate your sexual needs, be open about to this person who is your partner. This isn't like sneaking cookies out of the cookie jar or having a sip from a bottle in your parent's liquor cabinet. Be an adult about it and treat your partner like an adult as well. If, that is, having an affair really matters to you. If, on the other hand, you can't imagine life without your partner, and you know your partner would leave you if you had an affair, then it's time to sacrifice this petty dream. Because if, as you argue, it's not all that big a deal, then it can't be that difficult to decide not to have an affair.

Either it matters a lot, and you need to talk to your partner about it, like a big, grown-up person, or it doesn't matter that much, and it's time to get over it.

 

[mrboom]

Dude, you're not fooling anyone, not even yourself. It's so obvious that you want to find a good excuse for having an affair--which, I'm guessing, will hurt your partner if they find out. And you want our help and approval as you try to weasel your way out of monogamy without having to take any responsibility for any unpleasant consequences that may result. You want us to pat you on the head and say, "Oh, yes, we're not made to be monogamous. Oh, yes, people have affairs never intending to hurt the other person. Oh, yes, so long as you're loyal in other ways...."

So bogus! Cut it out. You know the answers perfectly well. You can't have your cake and eat it, too. Not unless your partner is fully, unequivocally, and without any reservations ready to enter a non-exclusive lifestyle. If he/she isn't, then, for you the answer is: NO, it is not ever okay to have an affair. If you do:

(1) You are going to hurt your partner. Go ahead. Tell your partner that we humans aren't meant to be monogamous, and you didn't do this to hurt them, and so it's no big deal. Your partner is going to gaze at you with anguish and pain and betrayal in their eyes and they will say, "Bullshit."

(2) You are going to be seen as disloyal and untrustworthy, not only because you cheated on your partner, but because you'll undoubtedly try to keep it a secret. Either because you need that "spice" or because you're not doing it to "hurt" your partner Double bullshit! Loyalty is letting your partner know the truth because you respect them and want them to make their own decision about this new situation in your joint relationship. Having an affair may or may not be disloyal, but keeping it a secret disrespects the relationship. It keeps half of that partnership in the dark and unable to make an informed decision. And that IS disloyal.

So just cut it out! If you need to have sex outside the partnership to sate your sexual needs, be open about to this person who is your partner. This isn't like sneaking cookies out of the cookie jar or having a sip from a bottle in your parent's liquor cabinet. Be an adult about it and treat your partner like an adult as well. If, that is, having an affair really matters to you. If, on the other hand, you can't imagine life without your partner, and you know your partner would leave you if you had an affair, then it's time to sacrifice this petty dream. Because if, as you argue, it's not all that big a deal, then it can't be that difficult to decide not to have an affair.

Either it matters a lot, and you need to talk to your partner about it, like a big, grown-up person, or it doesn't matter that much, and it's time to get over it.

Firstly, I'm not looking to have an affair, or trying to enlist other peoples help to justify it for me.

Secondly, if I was I'm big enough to take on the responsibility for my own actions in life.


I'm just interested as there seems to be a lot of people in my community doing it and I think it is a good subject for conversation.

I'm sorry if this has touched a nerve with any of you, it was not my intention.

 

[LadynStFreknBed]

I was married for 10 years. I'm divorced now. (Thank God!) During my marriage, I had permission from my then husband to have affairs with black men. Even though I had permission, I didn't do it because to me it was like saying that our relationship was a joke. During times while we were separated, I did see black men. Anyway, my marriage was a troubled relationship from the start for many reasons and I'm glad it's over. But even with permission, I think there are too many emotional consequences to having affairs.

 

[Katyusha]

Is it ever ok to have an affair?

I have often had this decision with partners and friends and it is always a divisive issues. In the ten years I've been with my partner I've never had one. However I have been very good at getting out the way of temptation. I know friends that have had affairs, and they seam to fall into two categories as far as I can see. The people that want everyone to know about it and don't care who gets hurt, and the ones who keep it to them self and think of it as a bit of lifes spice.

What dose every else think of this?

I think it depends on your definition of "affair." If by "affair," you simply mean being with someone besides your spouse, then whether or not it's okay depends on the rules that particular couple sets for themselves and each other.

On the other hand, if by "affair," you mean being with someone besides your spouse and knowing (or at least being fairly certain) that they would not be okay with it, which leads to deceit, then IMO it's never okay. For many people, the lies badly compound the pain caused by the affair itself, and oftentimes the most pressing question is, "What is so wrong with me that you had to go to somebody else? And why couldn't you talk to me about it?" There's no satisfactory answer to that. And it's deliberately hurting your spouse even if you think it's not.

 

[Katyusha]

Do you not think you being to simplistic here? There are a myriad of reasons people have affairs, and most of them are not about hurting the other person.

No they're not. The problem that most people have is that they won't talk about it. Each tends to assume that the other has the same values they do, which is how you end up with couples divorcing over internet chat or phone sex lines; one feels it's cheating and the other does not. Also people tend not to want to talk to their spouse about the problems that eventually lead them to someone else's arms.

To me, this kind of an affair is the result of a breakdown of communication. It doesn't matter if the reason is a lack of sex, a lack of affection, a feeling of loneliness or emptiness, a feeling of being misunderstood, whatever, these are problems that need to be discussed and they often aren't. An affair isn't the solution, and more often than not it leads to more pain that just badly compounds the problems that led to it.

 

[3113]

I'm just interested as there seems to be a lot of people in my community doing it and I think it is a good subject for conversation.

And how is it working out for those people in your community? Do their partners know about these affairs? When/if their partners have learned were they happy? Did the marriage survive without therapy or counseling? Did the cheated-on partners have any lasting trust issues?

It's right for an open couple who are in perfect agreement on the topic of having affairs to have affairs. For a couple that agreed on monogamy, it's not ever right. What further conversation can be had about cheating and lying to a partner for the purpose of having sex that you don't need to have, unless you're having such a conversation to see if there's any way to justify such lying and cheating to yourself?

 

[Katyusha]

And how is it working out for those people in your community? Do their partners know about these affairs? When/if their partners have learned were they happy? Did the marriage survive without therapy or counseling? Did the cheated-on partners have any lasting trust issues?

It's right for an open couple who are in perfect agreement on the topic of having affairs to have affairs. For a couple that agreed on monogamy, it's not ever right. What further conversation can be had about cheating and lying to a partner for the purpose of having sex that you don't need to have, unless you're having such a conversation to see if there's any way to justify such lying and cheating to yourself?

I think the problem that people have is that oftentimes there is no actual agreement to be monogamous. Monogamy is a social construct that's so ingrained in us that we believe the one we marry automatically shares our same values. Even phone sex chats and cyber-sex are considered to be wrong if you're married. You often get a lot of couples where one partner thinks, say, cybering with a stranger is okay because they're not actually meeting this person, they don't know them, it's just a way to relieve some stress and tension. But the assumption they hold is that their partner would be upset with it so they hide it. Then they find out, say, that their partner would have been just fine with it but now they feel betrayed because it was hidden from them instead of discussed. Or they find out their partner considers anything sexual, even sex talk, to be cheating whereas they consider only physically being with someone else to be cheating, and all else is okay.

Honestly I think fewer people would have what's generally considered an affair (with lies and secrets and all that) if they and their partner would either work out where they stand on monogamy and, if need be, find someone who they KNOW actually shares their viewpoint.

 

[DeeZire]

To me, an affair is an indication of an imperfect marriage. In that case, I think it would be more productive to suggest a trial separation before starting the affair. That way the issue of the imperfect marriage can be addressed first - or not. Perhaps the partner would be happy with a trial separation but you'll never know until you talk about it. There is so much miscommunication in marriages it's ridiculous.

The old Mars/Venus thing also comes into play. If a guy can't keep his dick in his pants, he should just remain a bachelor and not torment women by pretending to be monogamous. But guys are insecure so they establish a "long term relationship" and then sneak around. These guys are children with no sense of responsibility. I should know. I used to be one before I grew up (which didn't happen till my late 40s.)

 

[Zeb_Carter]

By definition "affair" does not necessitate cheating. You can have an affair with you spouse. Or you can have an affair with someone not your spouse.

And if you spouse knows about the affair I would assume that it's not cheating. If the spouse doesn't know or has not given their blessing then that would be cheating.

So the question is whether an affair is okay to have, but whether it is okay to cheat on you spouse.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

To me, an affair is an indication of an imperfect marriage.

Wow. Have you ever seen a perfect marriage, then?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Wow. Have you ever seen a perfect marriage, then?

Or a perfect anything else?

 

[jomar]

Is it ever ok to have an affair?

...I know friends that have had affairs, and they seam to fall into two categories as far as I can see. The people that want everyone to know about it and don't care who gets hurt, and the ones who keep it to them self and think of it as a bit of lifes spice.

What dose every else think of this?

Both of these reasons are selfish, disregard their partners feelings and show lack of respect for a partner. Bad news.

Do you not think you being to simplistic here? There are a myriad of reasons people have affairs, and most of them are not about hurting the other person.

They may not want to hurt their partner, but they will.

Just curious. What do you see as a valid reason for having an affair?

 

[jomar]

To me, an affair is an indication of an imperfect marriage. ...

Wow. Have you ever seen a perfect marriage, then?

If I interpret DZ correctly, I agree. People are often vulnerable to affairs when their needs in a relationship aren't being met. Instead of addressing those issues, or making hard decisions after unsuccessfully addressing those issues, some have affairs.

In that sense, it can be seen as a symptom of a troubled relationship. Not the cause of a troubled relationship. This is not to mean folks are absolved of their responsibility in the choices they make (and consequences).