Feedback on my First Erotica: A Faraway Shore (lesbian)

[IoTheNymph]

Ok guys, I'm looking to hear what you think of this story I wrote. I'm 25 years old and it's my first ever piece of erotica and it's part one of a two-part story.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=401558

Hit me!

 

[emap]

Honestly I'd much prefer nibbling.

Now excuses on my general feedback, I only read the first few paragraphs, it's late for me and I'll read the rest I swear it's bookmarked.

So the first thing that struck me was you need an editor, in the third paragraph you have a sentence with "now she would she never" So granted I'm tired and not thinking well but I do beleive you have an extra she in that sentence that isn't supposed to be there.

You also really must work on your structure, you start off with a drowning woman, well underwater and swimming to the surface, talk about why she is drowning then you suddenly go back in time to before the ship sinks. Confused me I had to stop and go back to read again just to make sure I didn't skip a paragraph or something.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Ok guys, I'm looking to hear what you think of this story I wrote. I'm 25 years old and it's my first ever piece of erotica and it's part one of a two-part story.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=401558

Hit me!

No hitting, perhaps a playful spank or two though.

I liked the story a lot and thought it was a more realistically ‘feminine’ lesbian story than is often the case on lit. Well done. I also like the period. And your writing.

I go with emap that the opening structure is a bit confusing for readers. You know what’s in your head but we just get the words. Starting in the water and having the feverish fight for life is great but my thought is you would do better if all that came together first then you explain the reasons. If you put paras 3 and 6-8 directly after para 1 you have us caught up in the storm then explain the backstory of how she got there and how the ship sank.

There are some factual glitches. It is the British Royal Navy not Royal British Navy and you only get colonels in the Army – you need a captain or a commodore or something like that. Were the British ever a military presence on Tahiti? I thought they were just traders and missionaries until the French made it a Protectorate – but I’m no expert.

A couple of things jarred me as being too modern for 18thC Cora. The meteorological term cyclone and the idea of a cyclone season are just too modern. Perhaps ‘tropical storm’ instead. Also, the word ‘cunt’ in Cora’s mouth didn’t ring right to me. Wouldn’t it have been ‘cunny’ or ‘quim’ in that century? Surely a refined daughter’s education would not have included any Roman history, let alone the salacious tale of Cimon and Pero?

More careful proofreading (every writer’s nightmare) would help. As well as emap’s example there a several other glitches that could have been ironed out. One in particular I noticed was ‘stately room’ instead of ‘state room’. They don’t kill the story but are sort of hurdles for the simple reader to jump.

Great start. As soon as part 2 is up on the site, stick a post on the forum so we can go and enjoy. Congrats.

 

[IoTheNymph]

Honestly I'd much prefer nibbling.

Now excuses on my general feedback, I only read the first few paragraphs, it's late for me and I'll read the rest I swear it's bookmarked.

So the first thing that struck me was you need an editor, in the third paragraph you have a sentence with "now she would she never" So granted I'm tired and not thinking well but I do beleive you have an extra she in that sentence that isn't supposed to be there.

You also really must work on your structure, you start off with a drowning woman, well underwater and swimming to the surface, talk about why she is drowning then you suddenly go back in time to before the ship sinks. Confused me I had to stop and go back to read again just to make sure I didn't skip a paragraph or something.

Eek, I do have an extra "she." My profession is journalism and editing, but that was a sloppy (and common) typo that I'm alarmed to have missed. However, I've looked over it again and the story isn't rife with errors, for which I'm grateful considering that I wrote it in an hour and a half at 3 A.M.

As for the rest, I've read a lot of short nonfiction and the device of moving back and forth in time from a certain moment is a fairly common one. Especially considering that these are the thoughts and memories that are going through her mind as she's swimming toward the surface. It might not be common in erotica, but it was something that always worked well for me in my creative writing classes. I think this is a stylistic preference; it builds suspense for some but for others it might be confusing, so I understand that.

That said, I'm keeping all of this in mind and thank you for the feedback!

 

[IoTheNymph]

No hitting, perhaps a playful spank or two though.

I liked the story a lot and thought it was a more realistically ‘feminine’ lesbian story than is often the case on lit. Well done. I also like the period. And your writing.

I go with emap that the opening structure is a bit confusing for readers. You know what’s in your head but we just get the words. Starting in the water and having the feverish fight for life is great but my thought is you would do better if all that came together first then you explain the reasons. If you put paras 3 and 6-8 directly after para 1 you have us caught up in the storm then explain the backstory of how she got there and how the ship sank.

There are some factual glitches. It is the British Royal Navy not Royal British Navy and you only get colonels in the Army – you need a captain or a commodore or something like that. Were the British ever a military presence on Tahiti? I thought they were just traders and missionaries until the French made it a Protectorate – but I’m no expert.

A couple of things jarred me as being too modern for 18thC Cora. The meteorological term cyclone and the idea of a cyclone season are just too modern. Perhaps ‘tropical storm’ instead. Also, the word ‘cunt’ in Cora’s mouth didn’t ring right to me. Wouldn’t it have been ‘cunny’ or ‘quim’ in that century? Surely a refined daughter’s education would not have included any Roman history, let alone the salacious tale of Cimon and Pero?

More careful proofreading (every writer’s nightmare) would help. As well as emap’s example there a several other glitches that could have been ironed out. One in particular I noticed was ‘stately room’ instead of ‘state room’. They don’t kill the story but are sort of hurdles for the simple reader to jump.

Great start. As soon as part 2 is up on the site, stick a post on the forum so we can go and enjoy. Congrats.

You are correct about the error in his position, which is embarrassing. That said, in the early 1800's, shortly after Capt. Bligh came across the islands, the British briefly had breadfruit plantations there, but it was quickly lost to the French -- within just a few years I believe. However, there was never a strong military presence, though I'm certain a few were stationed there at some point in the early days as a defense against "the natives."

Also, the term "cyclone" came into use by about 1840, so I was off by a couple of decades, unfortunately.

However, in terms of the use of my word "cunt," it was deliberate. I wanted to convey that she was giving in to what she believed to be her basest desires and so she used the basest word she could recall (she would have heard the term on rare occasions, it was certainly used during and before the early 19th Century). "Quim" would have been ok, but not dirty enough to convey what she was feeling. Also, in terms of wording, I wrote "stately room" to convey that she was in a pampered environment even on the ship (and to provide contract with the hut she's soon find herself in), it wasn't a typo.

Also, she might have well heard of Roman Charity in the traditional sense (of the daughter nursing her mother, which was only later turned into a salacious tale between father and daughter) and, living in the Neo-Classical era for art, she would have possibly seen paintings depicting this. I have no doubt she would have heard of the story in one of its forms.

As for the structure of the story, I still defend it! Before I posted it, I showed it to a friend who in a high school English teacher and she expresses that she liked the structure, as it conveyed a back story in the form of Cora's internal monologue. Others who've read it weren't confused, though I can see some might be. Still, it's just a first attempt. As someone who is used to writing nonfiction in the form of columns, articles, and research papers, this is my first non-academic foray into an sort of fictional writing. That said, I'm certain there's much to be improved upon.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I'll buy everything you say, it's only personal preference, but I will stick on structure.

Your first few paragraphs are muddled and confusing and the opening is not designed to draw readers in. A load of people would have backclicked before they got to the story.

 

[Bleedyearsnixon]

Salve! A fellow southern history nerd... good to see!

 

[emap]

I suppose i should explain what i mean by my earlier comment on your structure. Jumping back and forth in time is fine, doing so without an indication of a difference however is not.

Most people who do such that is not in the context of a news article, use some means of seperating the present with the past paragraphs. Usually it is simply * * * across the page to denote a new chapter, view or whatever. Which is where the confusion came in.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Io, my comments might seem a bit pernickety, but tht's because I thought you wrote well and stuff about proofreading was a yawn.

Reading the story again, I would stick with my point that the opening paras push us hither and thither without much flagging of the change. Although, IMO, I think the underwater storm stuff should be all at the start and then you calm down with the backstory that leads to the shore (cadence, I think it's called), I can live with the abrupt changes if you telegraph the adjustments more.

Your call entirely, but, as a bit of an amateur etymologist, I think 'cunt' was completely taboo at the time and not used by women or men. The word was the only description in the 13th C, but fell out of use and was replaced by 'vagina' (meaning sheath) by renaissance Italian doctor. I think Cora would have found 'cunny' the more usual unmentionable term - 'cunt' went through several centuries of being totally unthinkable by both sexes.

Please post chapter 2 - I'm dying to know where this goes.